A Progress Report....... After 2 Years. - Printable Version
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A Progress Report....... After 2 Years. - Paranoid Llama - 02-11-2017
I finally have a progress report. I figure this will get me a bit more motivated to work on things. The original reason I didn't create one when I started was I didn't want to be "mainstream", and look where I am now :^).
I guess this is the part where I talk about my tulpa. I've said bits about her here and there, but I'll let you tell her all about herself.
Sceena: Hey guys! Geez, I don't know where to start. I would describe myself as kind, motivational, assertive (but a bit passive at times), sarcastic, in the middle of lazy and productive, forgiving, and I enjoy getting together with people. I take the form of a 16 year old white HUMAN girl (I grow with my host), with long honey blonde hair that goes down to about my chest. I wear a plain white shirt with a long cardigan and jeans. I usually like to wear flats, but not all the time. I have green eyes, and have glasses with blue frames. I used to just let all my hair flow out, but these days I usually tie it back with a bang on the right side of my face. Some things I enjoy doing is art (I don't do it as often anymore), exploring, and taking naps. It's nice to meet you all!
It's a small island in, roughly, the shape of a circle. At the bottom of the circle (south) is a dock with a small speedboat for us to ride into the ocean. Leading up to the shore is a path up into a fairly large, half oval shaped clearing and a bit of a hill up to the house. The house has a nice entrance balcony similar to this. Going into the house you have a closet and step up directly in front of you, and straight ahead is a door out to the backyard. Right to your left up the step is a wall dividing the kitchen and the living room. The living room is to the left, and the kitchen is to the right. Between the living room and the entrance area is a half wall, so you can see most of the entrance area from the living room. In the living room, the far left side has a couch, a nice table in front of it, and a TV across it in front to the wall dividing the kitchen and the living room, which isn't really used much for now other than aesthetics. Behind the couch is a nice window giving a nice view of the dock. Flowing through the living room leads you to the stairs to the upper part of the house. If you head right from this point, you can head into a loop back into the kitchen. So, essentially, the kitchen and the living room areas are lines of sections into the house divided by a wall. There's an opening between the kitchen and the entrance corridor. If you go straight through the kitchen, you can head through the wall into a small room housing a fireplace. Upstairs leads to a big opening, where the right side has a huge window and the left side has doors to three rooms - one of them mine, one of them Sceena's and one being the washroom (why do we have a washroom? Idk). That's about it for the house.
On the island, right in the middle there's a huge mountain. Coming out from the dock again, with the house being in front of you (also the clearing around here extends further enough to get to the base of the mountain), to the right and left are forest. If you go to the middle right direction, you can head to a treehouse we used to play on very early on, but is now unused. A bit north from there and you go to a river that leads further north through the island, but I haven't completely explored the northern part of the island. In the left side, you go through a path surrounded by trees, that looks like this but not as straight. This leads a huge clearing with a huge, steeper (but not super steep) hill that looks like one of the levels in The Legend of Zelda: Majora's mask. Just like in the picture, there is a great big oak tree at the top of the hill that's so tall that you'd need to multiply me and Sceena 5 times each to reach the full height of its trunk! Also, on the path to the hill, there's a secret passage that leads to a hidden tree grove, where the trees are densely packed into a circle shape to make it seem as a boundary, but inside there's, conveniently, a log to sit on to watch the beautiful fireflies shining in the night.
In our wonderland, the seasons mirror real life, but whether it be winter or summer, the temperature is always mildly cold/warm. The time of day does the same thing too.
There are lots of other islands in our wonderland. The most popular one is a couple of kilometres north west from the island, called Chester. It's a large port city that's sort of modern-ish. It's one of Sceena's favourite places to go. There was also a farm town and a faction called the Frent that are colonizing other islands, but we don't interact with them often anymore.
My whole career started out in early May of 2015, when I happened to come across this website. Long story short (and spoiler alert: ) I ended up making a tulpa a couple of weeks later. My original design of her personality was to be kind, caring, patient, forgiving, very emotional, and not very sarcastic or humorous (which I'm actually glad she deviated from). As well, I originally planned for her to wear a short casual dress, similar to Mayuri from the Steins;Gate series (but with longer jeans that covers up to the end of her knees). I kept forcing her and stuff for about a month later, where I was like "woo summer" and completely forgot about her (thank god she wasn't sentient and doesn't remember about that, but I do something just about as bad later on). A week back into school, I thought about getting back into it, which I did.
It was at that fateful day, at Thursday, September 17, 2015 that Sceena had officially become sentient (or only just vocal?). I remember her first words as "hi" or a greeting similar to that that resonated and rung with me a lot. In the beginning, she could barely string words together in a coherent sentence, but now look at her. I just kept narrating to her day after day and going in the wonderland... but over time something changed. One of the reasons behind making a tulpa personally was so that I didn't have to have friends, but Sceena was highly resistant on that idea. It was 2016 when I found things I had in common with other people and after the passage of time I just... didn't force her anymore. I didn't neglect her as bad as I did when I first started but, this went on for much longer. I can't even remember if I spent time with her more than just a short conversation, which you could argue is narrating and is fine but it didn't feel fine to me. If I can't remember her being in my life in that time period, then that isn't good at all.
History repeats itself and in the summer I don't even know if I interacted with her at all. Fast forward to the start of the school year and you can tell she made a decline. She felt more lifeless, had less of a presence, and frankly she sounded as if she had a bad cold. I felt and still do feel ashamed. This was also the reason why I went a long, unannounced hiatus. She constantly reminds me now that she's okay with it and she forgives me, but do I really deserve that?
Now, I can't slip up anymore. I can't forget about her existence anymore. I'm determined now to advance her development so I can get to the point where I don't have to worry about forgetting about her. This progress report was certainly not the first step towards that goal, but I'm sure it will help me even in the slightest to stay on track and START FORCING!
Me and Sceena are currently working on a couple of things: One thing is the ability to parallel process. I've been reading up on independence guides and I've been getting her to do math problems, even if it's in class and I make it up on the spot. Our progress with that is that she still often has to use my thoughts to process the problem, but sometimes when I intentionally hold back my train of thought she can almost do it without needing the help. So that's some progress, but still a long way to go.
We're also working on possession. She can control some of my body parts pretty easily (though I have some of my doubts if it's really her), but not my whole body. I'm also doing some meditation exercises to try dissociation. I lay down and relax and use symbolism (thinking my whole body is a vessel filled with a liquid representing me, trying to drain it out, etc.) to try and dissociate. I tried one session so far and my arm shook when I imagined the liquid being drained out of it, but that might have just been me considering it's unlikely to have results like that so early. As well, I could still feel my arm a bit.
I'm not disciplined enough to do these exercises every day (some I only do like 3 times a week). But at the very least, I'm talking, engaging, and visualizing my tulpa every day which is at least a sort of improvement from back then. I applaud you if you read until now. I'll only be posting if I actually have some development or advancement in my forcing sessions, so beware for week long posts (lol).
RE: A Progress Report....... After 2 Years. - Aurora - 02-11-2017
It's nice to see you two writing a report (:
What kinda art did you do, Sceena? Was it in the wonderland?
Good luck with your progress, I hope it stays consistent.
RE: A Progress Report....... After 2 Years. - Paranoid Llama - 02-11-2017
Sceena: Yeah, it was in the wonderland. I remember my first was a self portrait of me, and another one was a landscape drawing with a sailboat in the sea. I don't really have a preference in art, while my host is usually exclusively faces (and is trying to get better). These were such a long time ago though, so I don't remember where they are .
RE: A Progress Report....... After 2 Years. - Anony-mouse - 02-11-2017
I love the wonderland you guys made Also I look forward to more PR posts you two make in the future!
RE: A Progress Report....... After 2 Years. - Paranoid Llama - 02-11-2017
Sceena: Hey man!
Also, some realization.
We were doing a bit of some possession forcing and we tried to do full body possession right from the get-go this time. It was sort of.... half successful. She felt like she was in control for the most part but at the same time it felt like I could've simply taken back control without much effort, so it was as if she had about a 50% influence on the actions. I did, before we started, try to relax and and detach myself from the body but I guess I still have a lot of unconscious control on it. I think what I'll try to do from now on is to passively try and establish myself as simply a spectator instead of a controller of the body throughout my regular day, to solidify and ease the process of truly letting go.
RE: A Progress Report....... After 2 Years. - MikhaelJohannes - 02-15-2017
It's nice to meet you, Sceena. It's pretty natural for the Host to have more control of the body, but their spectator idea sounds like a good one I'd never thought of before.
Johannes (my host) enjoys art too, so hearing that you're an artist in your Wonderland is cool. I've been doing some technical work for Johannes recently, backgrounds and things like that--maybe someday when you're more comfortable being in control of the body, you could help outside the wonderland with art? It was difficult for me at first, but starting with simple things made it easier. It ended up being an interesting way to help gain more physical awareness/control, so perhaps it could be a fun exercise.
Welcome to the world
HELLO SCEENA & LLAMA
Great to hear that you're making lots of progress!
I'd never made a diary/thread thing either until joining here, 'cause I was worried it'd sound cliche or feel fake. But it's not half bad. Helps keep stuff in track, y'know.
Hope you both have a great day!
RE: A Progress Report....... After 2 Years. - tulpa001 - 02-15-2017
Why start a progress report when you have the forum games? How strange. Hi persons!
Eh, we manage one exercise a day at least, but half of them are pretty basic forcing. One every three days sounds about right for the tougher stuff. Which is what you are getting into if you are working on parallel processing. That stuff feels weird.
Dissociation does not mean you stop feeling your limbs. That can happen. A more accurate description, I believe, is you stop feeling like they are yours. I think the best way to think about it is dissociation is a bundle of related concepts. Some of which you are chasing with your meditation.
Your strategy sounds appropriate. Although, I think it is worth considering, because the way tulpa control feels early on, the mind can play tricks on you as to who is controlling. But get into a relaxed state, and you know that if you are controlling the body, it's not moving.
RE: A Progress Report....... After 2 Years. - Paranoid Llama - 02-18-2017
Sceena here! (and this time I'm not just being proxied)
(02-15-2017, 01:29 AM)MikhaelJohannes Wrote: It's nice to meet you, Sceena. It's pretty natural for the Host to have more control of the body, but their spectator idea sounds like a good one I'd never thought of before.
Thank you Mikhael! Often times when possessing my host unconsciously takes control back again, so that is true. Art is definitely something I aspire doing later on, but I'm not quite feeling it right now, maybe later. I'd like to get a lot more used to living here and also sharpen up my coordination before starting it. I don't want to rely on muscle memory.
Thanks for the suggestion!
(02-15-2017, 01:29 AM)MikhaelJohannes Wrote: HELLO SCEENA & LLAMA
Thanks Johannes! I'm glad my host finally got around to making this :P.
(02-15-2017, 11:39 AM)tulpa001 Wrote: Why start a progress report when you have the forum games? How strange. Hi persons!
Llama: If the forum games is my kingdom, the progress report would be my room ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°).
My host is definitely feeling like he promised to work on a bit too much. So instead of doing parallel processing activities daily, he just does it like a couple of times a week-ish. I mean, I'm positive I can achieve parallel processing, but I can agree that the idea sounds pretty weird. I have to use my host's thought processes a lot when doing things, meaning he has to actively think what I think. It sure will be tough .
There are lots of variations of dissociation but my host was talking about specifically when you stop feeling your senses. He's been working on it for a couple of months the past year through meditation, and the main reason is so that he can retreat to the wonderland fantasy world, and actually live it (I don't mean he wants to perma-switch).
Also, more things to say!
The llama's been letting me possess more in his daily life. It's been bit by bit so far and I was able to write some things for an assignment of his. I noticed muscle memory controlled a lot of how I wrote, but as I became less on "auto-pilot" my unique hand writing came to show a little more. Even then, it was mostly the same with a bit of different kind of flow of writing. Also, while my host draws A's like these, I handwrite my A's like this: a.
I'm going to have to continue living in the moment to uncover more quirks of mine.
No significant progress on the other things so far.
RE: A Progress Report....... After 2 Years. - Paranoid Llama - 02-24-2017
Woo! More things to say.
No new developments on parallel processing. What I promised to do may have been a bit too much of a workload, so I'm mainly focusing on possession and getting the feeling of Sceena possessing down better. Dissociation practice comes a couple of times a week.
Sceena's handwriting developed quite a bit. Hers is more unique in the sense that it's a more elegant style which has a lot of curves and fancy stuff to it, while mine is just simple and plain. I'm fairly used to her controlling the body now, and as I said she's been possessing pretty often. At random times during the day, when I'm doing mundane tasks like walking or writing, she'll just ask for control and I can give her control at the spot. I do it by essentially relaxing control of my body on the spot. It's not hard for her to pick up the body from there, and we can even switch the whole body this way. Maintaining it, though, is the problem. Like tulpa001 previously warned me, the body has been sort of iffy on who's in control. I feel as though the eyes, mouth, and everything else that can be unconsciously controlled are not completely in Sceena's possession while still being hers, and often times it feels as if I unconsciously took back control, and when I feel that way it becomes a reality and Sceena shows up saying "Could I have the body back? somethin' happened". I dunno, it's hard to describe. This happened really quickly when I sat at the lunch table with friends, and when I started talking with them. Very peculiar. Looks like the body's just going to have to get used to her.
She also developed some weird, sort of feminine-like walking pattern, and her voice is slightly but noticeably higher pitch than me (though I ask her to tone those down a bit so people don't think I'm gay or anything O.o).
When in control, the mindvoice that I use to think to myself changes into her voice, while my own voice is more of the "backseat" kind of voice. I guess that's a good sign, but it still feels at this point like I'm the only one controlling the body, and only "pretending" when Sceena is possessing. Even the little shake that occurs when control is switched feels like it's being staged. Oh well.
Since we've been focusing on mindless tasks, I'm going to try and get her to do some more engaging tasks. Maybe make her first artwork in real life, or even better, get her to talk to real people. The lunch table thing was a fail, but even then she was quite and still is embarrassed to talk to people. So much for being a really social person, eh?
Let's go even further beyond.
RE: A Progress Report....... After 2 Years. - Paranoid Llama - 02-26-2017
I was reading this thread and it made me remember something.
Sceena was based off an imaginary character I had made. Her name was "Terria" and she looked pretty much exactly like Sceena but with bright pink hair, differently framed glasses, different colour eyes, and her outfit changed depending where I imagined her. I usually imagined her in animes I was watching (probably explaining the hair colour) as part of the main character cast, and I would assume her role.
I always had a thing for beautiful women with glasses OwO.