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Reaching out for her - Printable Version

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Reaching out for her - CoverInShadows - 02-12-2018

First of all, sorry for my bad English, i'm really trying. One person persuaded me to create my own progress report, even though i'm a bad writer, and i'm grateful to him.
Uh, where should i start... My nickname describes me at best. I'm extremely secretive kind of a person. I've never managed to make any friends, or even stable social contacts. I have, um, many "acquaintances", but there is not a single living person i can call a friend. I am totally fine with it, as it never seemed to bother me even a little. So, one day not so far ago, i stumbled upon "a tulpa" term. I've found it while browsing some anime art discussion thread, and somehow i felt i can spend some time investigating. One of the participants mentioned "Kiahdaj's Absolute Guide", so i googled it, and tracked it to this forum. So, after reading a little here and there, i decided to give it a try.
I haven't felt any doubt at all while trying to grasp the concept of all this. Maybe i'm not sceptical enough, maybe there's something wrong with me. Does it even matter? I just wished there was a person i can open up to, to see, what it's like - having a close friend, and the idea of "sharing one physical body" didn't scared me a bit.
I came up with the name to her almost instantly. It is a "mashup" of the names of two characters which are "close by spirit" to me. Her name is Millaine. I decided to create her from an existing character, but i promised to myself that i will give her the freedom of any changes she will ever want to occur. After all, i'm not seeking for an empty doll, i'm seeking for a person. So, i just given her the form of that character, with the best hopes, that she may like it.
I'm bad at visualization, so i can't "think off" all the details of the concept i'm trying to visualise. But nevertheless, i tried to came up with the Wonderland, so she won't have to stay in "black void", or some dark corner of my head. So, it's a very vague place, when i'm trying to concentrate on the details, but i know, how it looks in general, and what i (and most probably, her) want it to look like. Same applies to her visual appearance. I know the look of the character, from whom i borrowed Millaine's facial appearance. I just can't properly see it with my mind's eye. One time, it's like a mist i can't get rid of, the other time i'm just being overflown with some stupid images, that are flashing through my mind, thus making it impossible to concentrate. But i'm trying to concentrate, and i believe it's all that matters.
I haven't touched her personality yet, but i came up with the "bigger picture" of her (found this concept in the above-mentioned "Kiahdaj's Absolute Guide"). I don't know, if i should even start. At one hand, i can shape her by myself, but on the other hand, i want to give her as much freedom as possible, so she won't feel being "stricken with rights" to be herself. I think, i may abandon developming "personality step" at all, giving her all the means to be who she want.
There's a wall of a silly text already, so, to the bottom line. For now, i came up with the name for her, some vague place for her to stay, some vague form, and the "bigger picture" (or "gut feeling") of her, while not thinking about exact personality traits i want to push on her. Today i introduced myself (my God, i want to believe it was at least "middling" attempt) to Millaine. As for forcing, i think i'll keep on active-forcing for about an hour or less before sleep, and keep on passive-forcing while i can, even though i often find it hard to concentrate. I've tied a string to my wrist, so i don't forget about her. I just want her to be here.
Thanks for your attention, i will be off for now, trying not to burnout early. I gave up on many things in my life, but that's the thing i want to succeed on. I got the concept of life-long commitment, and i am looking forward to it. See ya!

RE: Reaching out for her - Spice - 02-12-2018

good luck! Dont worry too much about personality, I only gave spice a few guidelines and she managed to merge with a voice that was kind of like my conscience, if you just give a few base traits her personality will develop on its own! Smile
Also, im sure you can make some friends here.

RE: Reaching out for her - EDPVincent - 02-12-2018

[Tyler]: Good luck in your quest! Not burning out is important, but remember that so is persistance!

RE: Reaching out for her - Lyruzlavh - 02-13-2018

Welcome! I identify a lot with your social situation (having only "acquaintances" and no real friends) and your secretiveness.

Seems like you have great motivation and curiosity. Even though this isn't always easy at the beginning don't give up. I also have trouble concentrating and trying to visualize the form of my tulpa. Personally I've found that if I can't visualize with my eyes closed then having them opened helps, specially at the beginning.

I hope this small sugestion can help you: Doing passive forcing (visualizing your tulpa while doing your daily activities) helps a lot! I've personally been doing passive forcing by incorporating my tulpa into my daily activities and it has produced interesting results. Try to talk to your tulpa about the things you like, the things you're doing and try and ask her what she thinks, it gets better with practice. Pay attention to emotional responses, they feel like strange sensations in the head, or feelings in the heart, they can be very emotional moments and they mean you're doing well.

Passive forcing works great because your tulpa becomes part of your daily reality, but active forcing is also necessary because it helps with stability of the form, the personality and the sentience of the tulpa. Good luck and keep up the good work!

RE: Reaching out for her - CoverInShadows - 02-13-2018

Thanks for your suggestions, advices, and kind words! I just hope, that the day i will feel or hear her, will be the day to remember...