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Fiøre and The Dragon's Den
Fiøre Offline
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#1
 
Fiøre and The Dragon's Den
Catchy title is catchy... or Not. Big Grin

I've decided to log my progress here instead of on google docs or my blog as I find it just easier to do so since I check the forums and that often. To start off with I'm a writer with a decent enough imagination though I sadly lack being able to see what I imagine per se. About the middle of July or early August after a couple months of lurking and reading I decided that I would like to move forward with my all time favorite character Caelic and breath some life into him outside of my writing. Either way, for the first month or so I was all gun ho and after a couple weeks got my first emotional response. At the time I could feel that it wasn't my own as I was angry over something and the next I had a tear rolling down my cheek and I felt sadness kind of wash over me. It was at that moment I knew for darn sure that Caelic was kicking and very much alive. I continued to force with him both active/passive as often as life would allow. Being a stay at home mom luckily allows me a decent amount of time and freedom to do so in which I took advantage of. I think it was about two possibly three weeks later max when an image flashed into my mind and even to this day I remember it like it just happened. It seems silly but, It was reaffirmation to me that it was definitely my big blue dragon as it was an eye with amber colored slits surprisingly though he's written to have icy blue eyes and I clearly remember the blue, reptilian skin around it. Either way I was so stoked about it considering I can't exactly picture him. I assume the amber color of the eye has to do with the image that I associate him with though he looks relatively similar it's not exact with a few alterations since I can't draw to save my life.

[Image: 121afqu.jpg]


I internally squealed like a little girl on Christmas over it and felt that I'd been making good progress, great progress in my mind. Not long after I was in the shower one night I believe it was only a few weeks after I'd seen the image flash in my mind and my thoughts were all over the place when I heard a voice stop them and speak out to me asking if I wanted to go to the beach. It wasn't male or female sounding it was neutral  I guess you could say for whatever that may sound like. Lol. I know it wasn't my own for damn sure. And I wanted to jump for joy however in all the excitement of the moment I totally forgot to say anything back or even ask if it was him, which now to think upon it would have seemed silly but still I should have said something and in that moment my brain just seemed to lock up and I went full on derp before the random thoughts began to come and go once more. I regret not saying anything that day and freezing up like a dolt but you can't live in the past if you want to move forward.

I've been meditating for about 10-15 every night before bed besides talking to him throughout the day and most nights I would say at least 99.9 % of the time fall asleep talking to him. I've recently taken up writing him letters in my doc that was suggested to me by another member which I have found to actually be a lot of fun. I've also attempted self-hypnosis as well and have tried several times thus far to lucid dream with no luck and even gone as far as to listen to pink noise since I can't stand white for very long in order to help hear him. I thought maybe his voice wasn't developed enough yet and even went on Youtube to find some male voices that sounded similar to what I imagined his sounding like and have listened to it frequently if not multiple times a day since the voice we're using as a base is Chris Martin's from Coldplay and well I or perhaps we both like the song "A Sky Full of Stars" as I seem to get a brief moment of sadness whenever I listen to it -shrug- I dunno why though however, I suspect that it has to do with the story that was written involving him. While this part has definitely brought on the frustrations I haven't given up on him and won't.

We've been working on presence a lot lately to fill that I can't see you gap in our lives and his presence has become more noticeable over the last week or so which seems to be a good step in the right direction. However, I've noticed a couple of things that seem off and have been bothering me lately. While I've worked on imagining his human form better I've gone from feeling like he's in the room with me to now feeling as if he is a baby dragon sitting on my shoulder. It's odd that I constantly feel now that he's sitting on my shoulder like a pet bird would. I'm not exactly sure what to think since as a dragon shifter he doesn't exactly use magic for anything else other than to shift between his forms. I've allowed him complete freedom when it comes to deviating from the character I've written about, the one he is based off of yet, it seems thus far that being a dragon shifter is okay in his book for now. I'm not sure if it's normal to be feeling his presence like this? Even now I'm trying not to look at my shoulder as if he's sitting there watching me. It's rather awkward to say the least especially when you're picturing this big, blue dragon whose just massive compared to most animals who now feels like he's no bigger than my hand and sadly for an adult I have very childlike hands. My 11 year old daughter has nearly bigger hands than me. T_T

Sweet baby Cheezus! I didn't realize that I'd written so much. Well for now, we'll sign off and we'll continue to update daily allowing life doesn't get in the way too much. For now we've made some progress and some of it has left me pondering.
(This post was last modified: 02-09-2018, 10:07 PM by Fiøre.)
01-26-2018, 12:48 AM
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Fiøre Offline
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#2
 
RE: Fiøre and The Dragon's Den
Meditated last night before bed for about 15-20 mins. focusing only on Caelic while trying to keep my mind clear. I've come to realize that with the increase dosage in the anxiety meds that it seems a lot easier to do that and the random thoughts have died down some leaving me not nearly as anxious about everything and me feeling that one wrong thought is going to trigger my sinus tachycardia. I barely felt his presence while meditating however, when I went to snuggle under the covers I felt it although it was the same feeling that I talked about earlier and it felt as if some little dragon was curlling up on top of the covers near my shoulder/ upper arm. It's truly the weirdest feeling for me and I'm still trying to figure it out.

I've also noticed last night that he's seems to have changed up his age. I had written him to be around 38 and the feeling I get and the image I see when I try to imagine him is a much younger looking male, one that looks like he's somewhere between his early to mid 20's though I had written him to look more his age and not so young looking with a baby face. Lol. Makes me feel like an old creepy lady when I attempt to visualize him. Speaking of which I've been working on that and while I still can't see him per se, I can imagine enough right down from his head to his toes and have tried to envision how his skin feels and the 5 o'clock shadow on his face. I know it may seem like I'm all over the place when it comes to this but the fact that I've been trying since day one I can at least feel proud of myself for trying and sticking to it despite my inability. As they say there is no such thing as can't. Big Grin

I didn't get a chance to write to him last night and that left me feeling a bit guilty and it's been a while since I've tried skyping with him. I may try and get back to that today and see if that will push us a little more into the right direction. My hopes are still high that we'll get somewhere soon though admittedly I've had my moments lately where I've been beginning to doubt and end up feeling pretty miserable for doing so before pushing past it and looking at what has happened thus far and swinging back into the positive direction. It's hard to say or feel like I/we aren't spinning our tires in the mud and today feels like it's going to be one of those days.

Slept like poop last night and found myself up and down a bit between dreams where I would talk to him briefly before crashing again. Talked to him actively this morning after dropping the big man off at school. Daughter is still sleeping so, I'll work on talking to him without looking like the crazy mom however, If I did I'm sure that wouldn't surprise my Hannah too much. I guess I'll sign off for now and update this later with any progress or lack of that I/we have made.
01-26-2018, 02:44 PM
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Fiøre Offline
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#3
 
RE: Fiøre and The Dragon's Den
Didn't get a chance to update yesterday however, I was listening to some pink noise for about an hour while doing dishes and some laundry and I heard him although it wasn't loud and I couldn't make it out very well. I'm going to take that as a good sign indeed and keep moving forward though I'm confused as to why it was like that when I had heard him so perfectly loud and clear that one night. His English by the way was spot on that night. I did get a chance to write to him early yesterday morning and I think I'm going to make that a habit whether vocal or not as it's a lot of fun to be able to talk to him and have my thoughts perfectly line up without flittering all over the place like a butterfly when I squirrel.

Something is better than nothing. Big Grin
(This post was last modified: 02-09-2018, 10:09 PM by Fiøre.)
01-28-2018, 01:05 AM
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#4
 
RE: Fiøre and The Dragon's Den
So, It's been a while since I last wrote here and thought it would be a great chance to just write out everything that I've been feeling/thinking about since I last wrote in Jan. I've been busy with life and have had little time to sit and catch my breath. It's been just over two weeks and during this time admittedly, I haven't done anything in regards to Caelic or have made any attempts to make any progress. I feel like I've hit a wall with him/this and know that I'm doubting myself, doubting all of this. I know that It's fine and more than understandable to do so yet after so many months have now passed since I heard anything that I believe/believed to be him that I feel that I am on the brink of giving up, if I haven't already done so. Hard to tell when the rest of life goes on but that small tiny voice in the back of your head keeps saying his name every so often. Enough to remind you of him. That tiny voice though has only spoken up less than a handful of times and I've only felt that odd presence perhaps 2-3 times during those two weeks. And yes, I am still referring to the tiny dragon feeling I was getting and still wonder if that's normal to feel his presence change or shift like that. Big Grin

At this point in time I'm not sure what to do and pushing forward through the bleak darkness doesn't seem quite so appealing. I've asked him a couple of times to throw me a bone. A sign, something even if it was a feeling to let me know however, Nothing. If it wasn't for the fact that I know that I didn't just imagine that image that flashed in my mind or the fact that I heard a voice speak in my head as if I was having a conversation with a friend and they were speaking up, cutting my thoughts off I'd say it was nothing more than perhaps sleep deprivation or something along the lines. But, I can't deny that those things didn't happen and I believe wholeheartedly that it was Caelic. And though this has happened I've not heard or seen anything since then and like I said presence was/is very far and few between. I'm not exactly sure what to do at this point to be honest and I do feel like I am about to just give up and a part of me does feel like I've given up the more I sit here and think about it. I don't want to by any means but it's been over six months since first contact and despite writing, skyping, talking and nearly every other suggestion that I've come read about or have had suggested has yet to stir anything.

I'm not sure if I've done something wrong along the line with him. I know I've probably gone about this all backwards, sideways, up and down into all sorts of twists and loops. Another thing that I've also caught my self doing over time was also changing parts about his personality, things that were to make up who he was, changing him even further from the character that he is/was based upon. I'm sure by now even if he was still there he's probably pretty messed up by now trying to figure out who the hell he really is. More than likely I would be too. I apologize for that though if you're reading this while I write though, I've said it a million times. I'm a squirrel and when things, shiny things catch my interest I run with them and hoard them and turn them into treasures that I like such as necklaces made of the finest acorns with tiny acorn encrusted into it. Hahaha... *hides crippling depression* Not really though. I'm in a pretty solid state of mind considering. I've asked him questions about these changes whether he's okay with them, hates them or would rather be anything other than the weird dragon shifter he's become in my mind and yet nothing. Nothing. I would love for some advice at this point. Is it better to just let him go and move on since I don't feel/sense him there and work towards another? Obviously doing it in an order I can stick with. I have the time, patience and dedication to go the distance however, I feel that it should become a two way street and just not me driving up the one way.

So, here it is. I've poured out my heart writing down my thoughts and feelings in their rawest form. I'm at a crossroads and not sure which way to go. I feel lost and a bit hopeless. I guess I'll just wait and see.

I know.. I edit my post a lot. Brain farts for the win! I'm not sure about this either however, during this awkward time where I don't know where or how to progress and where my brain just is no longer zero'd in on him, when I go to think about him/say something my head get a brief wave of head pressure. Does anyone know about this or have had the same thing happen to them?
(This post was last modified: 02-13-2018, 08:54 PM by Fiøre.)
02-13-2018, 07:38 PM
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#5
 
RE: Fiøre and The Dragon's Den
Slept like poop the other night, tossed and turned and in between those waking moments I found myself talking to him. It's the first time I've done that in a while and it caught me off guard to realize that I was doing it again. I don't remember much of what I was muttering about but, I do remember telling him that I couldn't have him. That I couldn't have something I wanted. It was really weird. I spent some time talking to him off and on when I wasn't busy playing teacher or running around town on errands. I find it harder now to talk to Caelic about much as I find myself almost repeating the same things over every time in the end as of late. All of which circle around the I've messed up with you. You're probably as big of a mental wreck as I am and I'm sorry. I tend to apologize a lot for my thoughts too but those are along the R rated lines with a little of the XXX thrown into it. His existence is definitely not to fulfill my writer fantasies for sure.

I do have something of interest to say today though! Last night I was clicking on one of my adoptable pet sites while listening to some pink noise. The clicking is great for my OCD and my ADD as I can focus on doing it without squirreling. I was rambling about this and that to him and I heard my name. It wasn't like a major cut off in thought as it was something that felt more like a "Hey Heather!" coming from the back. I want to believe that it was him and so I will. I feel some sense of hope with that. I also decided to take about 5-10 mins and just focus on him before bed. Normally I would do it for longer but I had taken some seroquel and was on the verge of passing out but I didn't want to end the night on that note without giving him just a few minutes of my full attention. For a few moments I felt my little dragon curl up with me in bed. The feeling always seems to come from around my neck/shoulder area and even now as I write this I feel that same presence perched on my shoulder right now.

I'm going to keep traveling down this path with Caelic. I can't give up on him because I don't think my brain or heart will/would let me and as messed up as things may seem/feel it's obvious he's not left me yet or I wouldn't have heard him call my name. And while the voice wasn't deep like I had been imagining it however, it was definitely manly sounding and not neutral like the previous time he'd spoken up. I've not figured out how we're going to move on from here but, I know where I need to work on getting my shit together in order for this to work. I hope this is a good sign that I've pulled my self up by the bootstraps and ready to get back into the trenches.

Also, I feel compelled to share this here, not really sure why but I am.  I don't share my work with anyone outside of my family and very close friends so, I hope it's good. A Sky Full of Stars
The tone is somewhat romantic however, I do feel that  I am allowed my own thoughts and feelings outside of what our relationship is/would be. I am a romantic at heart and I love easily and freely. It's just a part of who I am and perhaps he's not too far off from the character he is based off in my novels. Maybe this is why I feel the need to share it, maybe he's poking at me do so. It's definitely another look into what makes us, us as a writer/Tulpa/SB ? Lol. I also had this drive to attempt to draw the tiny dragon that I see/feel however, my art skills are terrible however I may give it a shot regardless. It'll keep bugging me if I don't.

Also, I'm still pondering on the whole change in presence. Still not sure if it's normal for it to change like it has. There are brief moments where I've felt like he was with me either sitting/wallking next to or behind me per se. More like off to the side. And then the whole tiny dragon on the shoulder thing. I guess it's something I may have to get used to though I plan to look around the internet and see how normal it is or so forth.
02-15-2018, 05:30 PM
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