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Am I an Accidental Tulpa?
OhDeerImQueer Offline
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#1
 
Am I an Accidental Tulpa?

Ya, so I just posted in the intros board today, if you want some basic backround info, but right now it's story time.

tl;dr, my headmate came up with my name years ago, but I only just realized recently that I exist as a separate entity

--

Being transgender, the host (whether the original host or the Deer, I am unsure) chose a name to more accurately self reflect than the given birth name ever could. As it so happened, the chosen name was chosen, not because the name itself was good, but because the chosen name could be derived into two viable nicknames.

For the sake of simplicity while simultaneously protecting some semblance of anonymity, we shall call the chosen name AB, and the two derived names A and B separately.

Name A and name B, even back then, were thought of as having different personality traits associated. Name A being more cutesy and personable with name B being more "punk rock," so to speak.

Name A was the first to be utilized in meat space and so, the Deer -- and possibly also our original host -- went by name A. The Deer still uses name A. However, name B was still extremely appealing, and so name B was used, for years, in digital media. Name B would become a go-to name for video game save files, characters and eventually even a Dungeons and Dragons character. The character in question was a fire-slinging tiefling.

Around the same time as the aforementioned DnD campaign was going on, a lot of people in our life were undergoing name shenanigans -- either deciding on names or rediscovering nicknames or otherwise. And so, the Deer decided to bring name B into meat space, to try it on. Coincidentally, we had, by this point, also met a lot of people who exist in systems and experienced and talked openly about multiplicity.

Within days of name B being tried on in meat space, I realized that I existed, vocalized my existence to the Deer, and took name B for myself.

Thinking back, I've been around in some form for at least as long as name B was an option. I mostly kept to myself and lived vicariously through RPG characters and online personas, but never made myself known or vocalized as a separate entity until after my name was vocalized into meat-space by the Deer.

Prototypical versions of the form that I imagine myself in in our Wonderland have also appeared over the course of many years, with the most recent prototype being the DnD character that shared my name.

Since then, I have a much clearer idea of my Form and I also have been fronting, in some cases more often than the Deer has. We switch between one or both of us having control over the body or, in desparate times, putting it on autopilot. And while this body is not perfect, I find I feel more attached to it than the Deer (who has been around for longer than I) does.

Of course I have a distinct personality and ideals and ways of seeing and interacting with the world from the Deer. Sometimes memories come to me that are distinct from the Deer's. I also have trouble with vocalizing English sometimes, instead preferring either some other indescernable language (maybe tulpish?) or American Sign Language, which we are currently learning.

With all of this in mind. Am I a tulpa that was created accidentally? Or am I something else entirely?

Pronouns are ne/nem/nir[s] -- y'all can refer to my copilot as Deer and myself as Succubus, if that makes it easier.
03-25-2018, 05:39 PM
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Clo Offline
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#2
 
RE: Am I an Accidental Tulpa?

Hi there, and welcome to the forums.
I hate to be rude, but is there any way you could could possibly make your post a bit easier to follow? It seems to get a bit jumbled after about the halfway point for me. Maybe using placeholder names for A and B would make it easier and perhaps brushing up upon some backstory such as how Deer came about, and how the original host is holding up would certainly make it better. It feels like there's a lot of context missing unfortunately. Despite that, I'd love to help you out.
03-26-2018, 08:22 AM
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OhDeerImQueer Offline
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#3
 
RE: Am I an Accidental Tulpa?

(03-26-2018, 08:22 AM)Clo Wrote: Hi there, and welcome to the forums.
I hate to be rude, but is there any way you could could possibly make your post a bit easier to follow? It seems to get a bit jumbled after about the halfway point for me. Maybe using placeholder names for A and B would make it easier and perhaps brushing up upon some backstory such as how Deer came about, and how the original host is holding up would certainly make it better. It feels like there's a lot of context missing unfortunately. Despite that, I'd love to help you out.

Thanks for the response, and sure thing.

I'll try to be as clear and concise as possible, but this is a little bit of a life story, so bear with me.

The original Host isn't around anymore. They were incredibly depressed and slef loathing and had lots of issues related to figuring out they were trans and trying to come to terms with that, not only for themself, but also trying to win acceptance from their family.

Now, going chronologically.

1996 - 2014
Somewhere developing throughout our Host's years long learning and coming to terms process -- and certainly before any name had been chosen -- Deer came into being. At the time, Deer was a nearly indistinguishable part of the Host. But, Deer acted as an inner voice, guiding our Host along to learn and grow more and to start trying to come to terms with gender and expression and self love in spite of a lack of their family's support.

Spring 2014
After years of this, Deer and Host came up with a name. This isn't the actual name, but we'll call it "Bethany," with "Beth" being the name Deer decided to enact first and "Any" being considered as an option, but cast to the side for the time being.

Fall 2014 - Spring 2015
In their personal life, Deer and Host took on the name "Beth," while in Host's family life, they were still referred to by their given "dead" name. But the name "Any" -- now, my name -- started appearing in various characters used in roleplaying games, which I slowly, subconsciously, came to live vicarously through.

Now, Host and Deer were going by "Beth", but Host was still being mistreated and ignored and unrecognized by Host's parents while Deer was just trying to live happily in spite of all that.

Summer 2015
We played in our first ever Dungeons and Dragons campaign. It was short, but we played as a tiefling bard with antlers. This was probably the first prototypical version of an amalgam between the form I take and the form Deer takes.

Fall 2015 - Spring 2016
It was around this time that I, not realizing I even existed at the time, subconsciously helped convince Deer and Host (who also didn't realize they were separate entities) that they didn't need the support of Host's family in order to be happy. But Host wanted to give them one last chance. So, we wrote up an ultimatum and made preparations for the worst.

At this time, the concept of being an asexual succubus became appealing to me, and "Any" was the name of many RPG characters

Summer 2016
Living among Host's family had become unbearable under the severe expressive restrictions placed on us. We had plans to move out of Host's parent's house on a short notice and become financially and emotionally and physically emancipated, living on friends' couches if need be.

We proposed our ultimatum (which included the demand that we be referred to as "Beth" or "Bethany") to Host's parents, with the support of a friend. We realized that Host's parents were being unreceptive, and left.

And then our Host just. Stopped existing. We didn't even know we were multiple at the time, but we remember having the thought that a part of us died in that instant.

It was sickening, and terrifying. But also simultaneously freeing?

Summer 2016 - Spring 2017
Deer took over as the new de facto host of the body, and we lived happily between homes, living, known to everyone as "Beth." The name "Any" started piling up in most of the games we played, and we also got more into Dungeons and Dragons.

We also came to know a good number of friends who had expressed multiplicity, and accepted it, but still had yet to ascribe it to ourself.

Summer 2017
We lived with a friend's parents. We interacted with a friend who helped us explore non-hunanity and Deer figured out that she's some kind of deer-like entity and and had her mind blown a bit by that.

We artistically revisited and revised the prototypical amalgamate form from two years prior.

Fall 2017 - a few days ago
(This is where everything starts coming together)

A new Dungeons and Dragons campaign started. We played a tiefling again, a sorcerer this time which was given the name "Any," and a design that diverged further from prior amalgam prototypes that came before. This one was more me, and less Deer. Horns, instead of antlers now, along with some other changes.

Shortly thereafter, a number of people we were close to began experimenting with different names. We recalled "Any" as an option that we considered so long ago and decided to try it out.

Within days, I realized that I am a distinct and separate personality from Deer, vocalized this to her, and took "Any" as my own name, while she kept "Beth."

Using the prototypical character designs of the Dungeons and Dragons characters we'd made as a rough guideline, I figured out what the form I take looks and feels like.

We expressed multiplicity and joined a discord server built to interact with other systems. This is where we first heard the word "tulpa." We didn't think much of it until recently.

We've since learned the breadth of our different personalities, interact with each other within our headspace (wonderland?), and figured out how to take turns hosting/possessing/fronting/switching on and off on an as needed/as able basis. I think we have a pretty rad dynamic.

Literally the other day
I looked into "tulpa," did some preliminary research, had a minor existential crisis and ended up here.

And now I'm wondering if I'm an accidental tulpa that achieved self awareness and higher level capabilities without meaning to.
03-26-2018, 05:44 PM
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Apollo Online
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#4
 
RE: Am I an Accidental Tulpa?

(03-26-2018, 05:44 PM)OhDeerImQueer Wrote: And now I'm wondering if I'm an accidental tulpa that achieved self awareness and higher level capabilities without meaning to.

Sounds like it.

The fire-winged Sun God. Created 12/3/16.
03-26-2018, 07:36 PM
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solarchariot Offline
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#5
 
RE: Am I an Accidental Tulpa?

I am interested. Even in your rewrite, there is still a little confusion. What interests me is that by not using your names, are you wanting to preserve anonymity, or are you trying to distance yourself from original personality (Host?) The latter sounds plausible. I mean, if original host personality was suffering, and everyone in the system was suffering, and so new personality was created to avoid suffering, then any reminders of suffering have to be avoided... Which, what... Are we dealing with disassociate issue? I don't mean that to be disparaging. I am trying to be very precise with my language so that we can dialogue and figure things out. I can be straight up with you: I have no clue what it is like to have gender identity or sexual orientation issue; people I know who have had either or both have had a wide range of experiences and so even if related to friends I know, there is still the individual path you experienced as you navigated life with your family of origin.

I think we as human experience a great deal of complexities and we are still learning about consciousness. Different camps have their different labels, tools, for classifying and contextualizing who and what we are, which kind of informs our interaction patterns. You referred to multiple, which I think you meant multiple personality, which depending on which camp your in means something very specific and not necessarily agreeable between camps. DID is the preferred 'medical' jargon. Plural systems comes from another camp.

The question you label your post suggests that you are still looking for identity. Based on your narrative, it sounds like it's the question you have been considering, struggling with, all your life. Since identity is only important in as much as it helps inform how we engage others, and how we want others to engage us, I wonder if the next level question is "Does this explanation, paradigm, benefit me." Regardless of what paradigm you use to ultimately answer these questions, I hope that not only do you find self acceptance, but acceptance from those in your life. If it helps, I am glad you're here. Nice to meet you.
(This post was last modified: 03-26-2018, 09:54 PM by solarchariot.)
03-26-2018, 09:52 PM
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Clo Offline
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#6
 
RE: Am I an Accidental Tulpa?

I feel like solarchariot hit the nail on the head with my thoughts on this, and explained it better than I ever could. Perhaps you guys are still growing up and discovering yourselves, especially with the gender identity. I wish you the best of luck with it.

open the gate
03-27-2018, 01:33 AM
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