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Blayze and Kyoko
dragon cake Offline
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#91
 
RE: Blayze and Kyoko

18 September 2018
Talking
  • Since I started imagining Kyoko saying what I think she'd say, she's been doing more of the talking than me during meditation.
  • I feel like some of it came solely from her as well.
  • When I hear other voices that I don't think are her, I'm imagining myself placing them elsewhere in Haven to populate it. I don't know how well it will work in the long run but I'll see. It did let me get a 'better look' at some of the other invading voices and some of them actually were characters from other media I just happen to have seen recently.
Wonderland
  • She wanted to take a random walk so we walked in a direction where I hadn't imagined much. We found a random tool shed in the middle of nowhere.
  • We found a passage in the floor that led to a ladder that led to a sewer, then then opened up into a large open area with huge columns. I thought it looked similar to Moria in Lord of the Rings, so imagined a Balrog for her to fight. I concentrated on controlling the monster again to give us some practice thinking separately. She encouraged me to be harder on her so I got a few good smacks in, and she had an awful lot of fun gutting it at the end.
  • As seems to be habit now, she unrolled a blanket with some food after. This time it was tiny sandwiches and tea, which we fed to each other while we decided what I'd eat for lunch. We decided on sesame chicken from a local Chinese restaurant because she wants to taste it.
  • Kyoko wanted to get frisky and I wasn't up for it, so Seka showed up and she got frisky with her instead.
  • For a while at the end I just hugged her and focused love at her, which she enjoys.
Habitca
  • Heard about an app named Habitica on the forum here and downloaded it to help with good habits and elimi8nate some bad ones. It awards 'experience' and remove 'health' for good and bad habits like your life is an RPG. It's surprisingly effective for me already so I'll keep it up. Kyoko encouraged me to do so as well.
09-18-2018, 05:04 PM
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dragon cake Offline
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#92
 
RE: Blayze and Kyoko

19 September 2018
  • Mind was too cluttered to effectively force today. I still meditated and talked to Kyoko but didn't feel any response. I've had headaches every day for like two weeks and it was especially bad today, so couldn't really concentrate on anything useful.
09-20-2018, 03:51 AM
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dragon cake Offline
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#93
 
RE: Blayze and Kyoko

24 September 2018
  • Stress is sort of getting to me. Had a few episodes over the past few days where I felt paranoid like something was after me, but only lasted seconds because Kyoko was there for me.
  • Have been meditating regularly. Kyoko likes to go on walks in the Wonderland and find things to fight. Sometimes she pulls characters out of recent shows I watched for her to fight. I didn't expect her to be so into that.
  • Usually after the fight we'll sit down and eat something.
  • She's very encouraging to me and still insists that I'm capable of improving my general depression.
29 September 2018

Piano
  • I practiced piano for the first time in a long time and Kyoko really liked it. She has been wanting me to keep practicing because she enjoys hearing me play even the simplest things it seems. I used to be able to play it half-decent, so maybe I can get better at it again that way.
Meditation
  • I had a few days where I really had trouble communicating again. I'm still frustrated that we can't communicate more vocally, and it only gets worse when I got into a depressive spell. They normally last a few days so they can be a real set back.
  • I've been meditating during lunch at work still, I found a 30 minute meditation tract I like and that helps, but work is still very stressful.
  • Kyoko was crying when I got to Haven during the meditation though today. I think it was because I've been so frustrated at the lack of vocality and tend to beg her for it when I'm very depressed. I told her it wasn't like that, that I didn't' think she failed me or anything like that. We spent most of the meditation on a cloud above Haven talking.
  • Kyoko's house regularly changes. It's basically the same blueprint but it seems to change themes, like today it was very rustic like an older cabin. She also has new flowers in the garden in addition to the other ones that look like tall tulips. She took me inside to show me and we drank tea.
Progress
  • I wish I was making more progress. I want so much to succeed now because I want to show others that are having issues that if they stick with it, it can still work. I am at the point that I'm not sure what else to try though.
09-29-2018, 05:35 PM
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dragon cake Offline
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#94
 
RE: Blayze and Kyoko

1 October 2018


Maybe had some breakthroughs today.

Research
  • I searched for forum posts about people being frustrated with tulpas taking a long time to be vocal to see what people suggested and did more general research again. The things I gleaned from this that I might not be doing:
    • I should assume it will work; I'm very bad at this and have no idea how to correct it. How do I make myself expect something that I don't expect?
    • Let her know when she's supposed to respond and shift focus to her as you would when in a normal conversation. Don't give up if I don't hear a mind voice, accept feelings as answers and proceed.
    • Recognize that a tulpa needs to make use of unconscious thoughts the same as I do as per explanation at https://community.tulpa.info/thread-sent...-sentience
  • Kyoko agrees that assuming it will not work is the primary issue that I should work on.
Kyoko's Identity?
  • I've often wondered how long Kyoko existed before I started working on her. I am sure she did, because even if I haven't heard her talk, I felt her reactions very quickly and she adapted to chasing away my paranoia much better than I think a newborn tulpa could.
  • Today before meditation, I went to move a plush deer on my bed, and I felt Kyoko get a surge of positive emotion, like she wanted me to cuddle it during meditation, which I did.
  • I came to an interesting conclusion during meditation. Though I started Kyoko with namesake-Kyoko's personality, she almost immediately deviated into something more carefree and less serious, and it matched a personality I'd assigned to something else in the past, specifically this plush.
  • I used to regularly think of it as it's own thing, even though I knew it wasn't, spoke to it, and even talked to friends jokingly as if it was its own person. I realized that Kyoko's actual personality matches what I imagined it as.
  • When I came to this conclusion, Kyoko became very happy and giddy, and seemed to indicate that is who she was before she took the form of the tulpa I wanted to create. She likes her current form and doesn't want to change it, but seems very glad that I came to that conclusion.
  • I suggested she change the symbol on her outfit to the plush, but she said she'd rather it stay a symbol of my wonderland dragon form.
  • It was much easier to visualize her in my mind's eyes today and she seemed to keep a smile on her face which she hasn't been lately. This may be related to the above.
Kyoko's House
  • It was made out of candy on the outside today.
  • She's made changes inside though. There is a back room now that leads to the library I imagined when doing the shorter Gearheart tulpa meditation.
  • She also has the bedroom upstairs from the main room now and put a piano where the bed used to be in the main room. She sat and played it (there was conveniently piano music in the meditation music I use). She says she wants to play it while I practice.
Work
  • Realized I've been thinking about work while at home a lot and need to stop. I had gotten to where I didn't do that and it lowered my stress level a great deal.
(This post was last modified: 10-01-2018, 06:02 PM by dragon cake.)
10-01-2018, 06:01 PM
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dragon cake Offline
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#95
 
RE: Blayze and Kyoko

2 October 2018
  • I've been hearing snippets of thought speech, I think it's from Kyoko even though the voice is different because it seems to be in-context of the other things I'm thinking or doing at the moment. But she still doesn't seem to answer my responses to the comments.
  • Most of the comments slip through when I'm distracted, so I still think I'm doing something when I listen that is actually blocking her. Still this feels like an improvement.
  • The idea that Kyoko has been here for a while before I started with tulpas I think helps too. I was always a little concerned that she'd be upset for me creating her since I'm such a miserable person, but if she was there already and I'm just giving her a voice, I feel much less reluctant.
3 October 2018
  • I have been taking showers in the dark recently because it's easier to imagine her there with me. That in a kinky way, but imagining her showering and getting dressed and stuff are complex things to imagine so it's good practice.
  • I haven't heard any thought clips since yesterday morning and have been having her say what I think she wants to. However when talking with her in the shower like this, I realized that I should cease treating those thought clips as something abnormal and just let them slip in more often. Not sure if that makes sense.
  • Been playing the piano more as she really likes that. I'm doing better than I would be I think due to knowing she wants to hear me play.
10-04-2018, 12:58 AM
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Misha Offline
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#96
 
RE: Blayze and Kyoko

It sounds like you're doing the right things, good luck guys!

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10-04-2018, 01:12 AM
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Reilyn Offline
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#97
 
RE: Blayze and Kyoko

I know you don't want to hear empty words from a stranger but for what it's worth... Kyoko isn't giving up on you! Please don't ever give up on her!
10-10-2018, 09:58 PM
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Misha Offline
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#98
 
RE: Blayze and Kyoko

They're actually really good for each other. Kyoko is a sweetheart.

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10-11-2018, 12:27 AM
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dragon cake Offline
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#99
 
RE: Blayze and Kyoko

16 October 2018
  • As always, I made a bit of progress and then lost it. I can barely concentrate on meditating at all regardless of how much I try, every single thing in existence seems to be annoying me, and I can't even pretend to hear Kyoko. I've been in a fit of depression for weeks and I have no idea how to get out of it, because as usual I'm not depressed ABOUT anything, so there's nothing to fix. My emotions bottomed out and no matter what I do I can't feel even a spark of anything positive. I tried to wait until I'd write something more constructive to post again, but as you can see I've been waiting for weeks so I may as well say something.
  • Tried reading more logs and it didn't help because it just reminds me how everyone else is better at this than me. I don't think I've found a single one where someone seems to have my level of difficulty. If this wasn't one of the painfully few things I have left to live for, I would have given up months back.
(This post was last modified: 10-16-2018, 01:55 PM by dragon cake.)
10-16-2018, 01:53 PM
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Ranger Offline
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RE: Blayze and Kyoko

When Cat has really bad anxiety or depression, she can't hear my voice or feel my presence as easily. This has really demotivated her and it is a huge source of frustration. I think I did the most development after this past summer once Cat had a chance to settle down.

If you are having trouble with a depressive episode, please understand you didn't lose progress. If you are having trouble, it's okay to take a break and focus on doing other things you enjoy, which may put you in a better position for hearing Kyoko.

I find it weird that several of the latest influx of newer members have rapidly developing Tulpas and see progress in a short period of time. Part of it could be they have yet hit any barriers that truly show how young their Tulaps are, or have yet to hit a wall or a rough patch, whether that's parrotnoia, doubt, a sudden drop in vocality, or a different problem unique to that system. You have long surpassed the deadline for these kinds of issues, so I'm not worried about this happening to you. Once you get more comfortable hearing Kyoko, I believe the outcome will only lead to good things from here on out.

As another note- Cat sometimes gets tired if she forces me for too long, and it's very similar to what happens when she hangs out with other people IRL for too long. If she has an intense forcing session one day, she may not be able to force the next day because she's exhausted her mind.

I'm Cat_ShadowGriffin's Tulpa and I like Hippos! I also like forum games, word puzzles, and chatting about stuff.
I now stream!
(This post was last modified: 10-16-2018, 04:07 PM by Ranger.)
10-16-2018, 04:06 PM
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