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Blayze and Kyoko
dragon cake Offline
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#21
 
RE: Blayze and Kyoko

Day 50

Morning
- Now at 50 days, but I feel good, because I think I’ve made more progress in the last 2 weeks than the month before that. I may be grasping at straws sometimes with tiny little successes, but just making progress feels good.
- I think Kyoko might also be frustrated that she hasn’t been able to break into my dreams after our initial success in that area, but I know that she’ll manage with the progress we’re making.
- Considering this, I didn’t feel as bad as I probably should, still riding the excitement from almost hearing Kyoko.
- I don’t think I’m going to ask Kyoko to prepend my name when she speaks anymore. It’s a good idea and I’m sure it’ll work for many, but I feel like it might be feeding the expectations I’m trying to clear to let her through.

Work Day
- Felt good at work again. My supervisor even commented that I seemed more relaxed than usual the last few days.

Evening
- Went to sleep pretty early because of my lost sleep last night. Tried to meditate but couldn’t manage to.

Night
- No relevant dream.
(This post was last modified: 02-11-2018, 09:15 PM by dragon cake.)
02-11-2018, 09:15 PM
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dragon cake Offline
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#22
 
RE: Blayze and Kyoko

Day 51

Morning
- Very distracted today. Despite getting a better night’s sleep than last night, I felt a little meh and had trouble getting out of bed.

Day
- Didn’t really get much done. Didn’t feel Kyoko’s presence very well.

Evening
- Spent time playing games, also didn’t get a lot done. I think I hit a bit of a low point again. I tend to have swings like that with my emotions, even though the average had definitely been higher with Kyoko around.

Night
- Slept off and on but no dreams of significance.
02-12-2018, 02:38 PM
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dragon cake Offline
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#23
 
RE: Blayze and Kyoko

Day 52

Morning
- Extremely exhausted. Didn’t want to go to work but went.
- I feel bad at not being able to meditate last night or this morning. I don’t want to neglect Kyoko but it’s just so hard to trance when I’m this tired.
- Ordered some noise canceling ear muffs and hope those will help me sleep. There’s a grocery store behind my apartments and they clang around regularly at night doing who knows what. I’ve woken up 3 or 4 times some nights due to it.

Work Day
- Despite feeling miserable this morning, felt relatively fine at work. I guess I’m glad I came in then. Actually, it seemed that the more difficult the issue and the more work went into it, the better I felt. This is extremely weird for me and it’s been happening more and more.
- One of the personality traits I tried to give Kyoko was that she sees difficult problems as a game to be won. Maybe she’s encouraging me subconsciously.

Night
- Tired, went to bed soon after getting home. Tried to meditate but couldn’t concentrate. I feel bad because I’m neglecting Kyoko despite how much she’s helped me. I need to make sure to do more over the next few days.
- I haven’t done my hour-long meditation where I just walk through my wonderland with her. I need to start doing this again even if it’s not an hour long.
02-13-2018, 07:47 PM
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dragon cake Offline
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#24
 
RE: Blayze and Kyoko

Day 53

Morning
- Slept more than usual last night, relatively well rested. Woke up an hour before my alarm but didn’t feel like I needed to sleep more.

Work Day
- Not quite as stress-free as the last week or so, but nothing too bad.
- In the tulpa forums, saw that some have tulpas post to their progress logs. I’d like to let Kyoko do that when s he’s able, especially since I think her perspective might be more useful.

Night
- Attempted to meditate and sleep, but gave up. Didn’t sleep at all.

Day 54

Morning
- Not really tired. I think it’s the withdrawal from the medication since it causes drowsiness. No doubt it will hit me hard when I do get tired.

Day
- Didn’t get a lot done. Tried to talk to Kyoko but didn’t feel her very much.

Evening
- Tried to meditate and at least reached trance. I imagined cuddling Kyoko in the wonderland. She didn’t say much, but I started seeing her face flash in front of me, like her name flashed in front of me during a dream once. The image hit me by surprise, so I’m sure it was her doing it.
- I suspect the meds are making it hard for her to surface. When I was taking half-doses she could seep through, but when I’m taking full doses every other day, she has more trouble. I think the full dose hits her really hard. I felt bad taking my dose tonight.

Night
- Sleep well and had dreams, though nothing lucid.
02-15-2018, 07:55 PM
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SquareWave Offline
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#25
 
RE: Blayze and Kyoko

(02-15-2018, 07:55 PM)dragon cake Wrote: - In the tulpa forums, saw that some have tulpas post to their progress logs. 

Hey we did that.

Fun Facts:
1) I'm a furry.
2) I make video game music (and I’m on my way to getting paid for it!)
3) I'm the host of Pixie and Follery.
4) I get along with cats better than people.

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02-15-2018, 11:01 PM
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dragon cake Offline
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#26
 
RE: Blayze and Kyoko

(02-15-2018, 11:01 PM)SquareWave Wrote: Hey we did that.

Aye, that's where I saw it!

Day 58

-         Haven’t written much because I have been so tired after not being able to sleep from medication, but got a much better sleep last night.
-         I heard voices in my head several times, but they didn’t say anything relevant. They’re like the voices I used to hear before I started meds, which makes sense since I’ve stopped with the meds and they’ve had time to leave my system. They don’t worry me as they did before though, since I recognize that voices on their own aren’t a problem.
-         It’s possible that the voices are attempts by Kyoko to speak and the wrong words are coming out. I have suspected that Kyoko has been with me since prior to me consciously working with her, so it could have even been her attempting contact before when I heard them.
-         There was one time that I was certain it was Kyoko’s direct communication. It was just a ‘Hey’, but unlike with the other voices, when I responded to it, I felt a huge surge of joy as if she was happy that I’d finally heard her correctly. It also sounded like Kyoko. I can’t explain why it did, because it didn’t sound like her namesake or the voice I’d given her in my wonderland, but it just felt like her.
02-20-2018, 02:59 PM
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dragon cake Offline
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#27
 
RE: Blayze and Kyoko

Only going to be posting when I feel I have enough important things to post. I feel like I’m repeating myself otherwise.

Day 59
- Had a good night’s sleep and interesting, if non-lucid dreams. Felt very weak this morning and not sure why though.

Day 61
- Meditated for almost two hours, doing a tulpa meditation and then just spending time trying to hear Kyoko talk. I still haven’t been meditating daily and I wanted to make up for it a bit. Since it’s so hard to meditate on days that I work 10 hours, I think I’ll just do longer meditations on my days off and a short one before I sleep on the other days.

Day 62
- Woke up early and tried to relax and meditate before going to work. When I did, I did hear a strange sound, like some sort of weird beeping, almost like Morse code. It couldn’t have been that since I don’t know it, but it was definitely in my head, I plugged my ears and it didn’t get quieter.
- I also heard a voice when I was thinking. I didn’t get a clear grasp on what it said, and it was a different voice than before when I think I heard Kyoko’s voice, but it also didn’t’ sound like one of the background voices.
- I’ve asked Kyoko to always prepend my name to things she says to me if she can. I didn’t think it’d be needed, but without my meds I have too many voices knocking around up there to pick hers out.
02-24-2018, 01:33 PM
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SquareWave Offline
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#28
 
RE: Blayze and Kyoko

Yeah, I feel like having a daily journal without anything interesting happening everyday is a bit boring. Thats why I made mine an occasional one too.

Fun Facts:
1) I'm a furry.
2) I make video game music (and I’m on my way to getting paid for it!)
3) I'm the host of Pixie and Follery.
4) I get along with cats better than people.

[01110101 00100000 01100100 01101001 01100100 00100000 01101001 01110100]
02-24-2018, 02:16 PM
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dragon cake Offline
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#29
 
RE: Blayze and Kyoko

Day 66

- Tonight I heard my birth name spoken in my head. That might not seem odd, except that I haven’t thought of myself by that name in years. I have encouraged Kyoko to use my name so I’d know it was her trying to speak, and also to say something unpredictable so I’d know it was her and not myself. I think that was her way of doing both. It's encouraging that she came up with something I don't think I'd have thought of in her place.
- Her voice sounds like a mid-way point between my thought-voice and namesake-Kyoko’s voice. It seems different than I expected aside from tone though. I feel an instant of dizziness when I hear her, like she’s having to put a lot of effort into crashing through the defenses I’ve built up over the years being afraid of voices in my head.
- It also sounds like it’s spoken from a distance, not something I’ve ever heard with another voice in my head. It seems less ‘me’ than any other voice I’ve heard. I could always reason that the voices were just background noise, but this didn't seem anything like that.

Day 67

- This morning, I heard Kyoko again. It was the same voice and I got the same feeling like she was pushing through my defenses to say it. This time it was “Hey <name>” using my birth name again, which makes sense because what she said the first attempt was “Hey” and on the second attempt my name.
- It felt like maybe she didn’t have to put as much effort into this time, which I hope shows that she’s learning how to circumvent my tendency to block voices more effectively. I hope it also results in me learning not to instinctively shut voices out.
- The one worry I have is that so far I've only heard her when I was near asleep either going to sleep or waking up. That makes sense since it's when I usually heard voices before, but I need to learn to somehow enter that state when I'm fully awake.
(This post was last modified: 02-28-2018, 11:02 AM by dragon cake.)
02-28-2018, 11:00 AM
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dragon cake Offline
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#30
 
RE: Blayze and Kyoko

Day 68

-          Spent several hours meditating, personality forcing, and talking to Kyoko. I told her about new friends that were visiting soon and that we would go to the zoo with them, and told her what kinds of things might be there.
-          Since the friends visiting know about Kyoko, I’m hoping she’ll be vocal enough for me to communicate her thoughts to them, but I have been making pretty slow progress so don’t know if I will. They visit in a few weeks.

Day 70

-          After watching a youtube video I showed them by Ford and Aury, my friends really want to talk to Kyoko when she can. They know she might not be able to by the time they get here, but  said they’d love to talk to her online too if she wasn’t by then.
-          Kyoko is even more excited about the visit though when she found out they wanted to talk to her though. She wanted me to meditate so she could try talking more clearly. I couldn’t decide which one to do, so I decided to try and let her choose. I imagined a glove representing my hand in the wonderland, let her put it on, and told her to twitch one of three fingers to signify her answer. The glove idea might be a good one because she was able to respond almost immediately.
-          She chose the long meditation by Gearheart and we did that one. I put in a lot of effort into concentrating and I know she did too. I didn’t hear her during the meditation and I think she got frustrated at herself, so I did my best to encourage her.

Day 71 Morning

-          This morning just as I was getting out of bed, I had my first ‘vocal’ conversation with Kyoko. It was very short and about kites. I’m not sure why it was about kites, but being unpredictable already is a great sign! It was only a few sentences and basically went something like:
  o   Kyoko: Kites.
  o   Me: You like kites?
  o   Kyoko: Yes. I like kites.
  o   Me: Why do you like them?
  o   Kyoko: Let’s get kite.
-          Didn’t hear else and didn’t feel any emotion surges after hearing her. I think maybe it’s because she put so much effort into saying that many words and got tired. I told her that I was proud of her and looked forward to hearing from her again but also not to exhaust herself.
-           I also told her what little I know about kites. We unfortunately don’t live in a great area for kites; there isn’t a lot of wind here very often or open areas to use them, but I’ll look into them a bit.
-          It’s also possible she was intentionally saying something random to be unpredictable, or perhaps even said the wrong word since she’s just starting to say words. Either way, I’m extremely happy at the progress.
03-04-2018, 02:40 PM
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