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Blayze and Kyoko
vtk Offline
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#51
 
RE: Blayze and Kyoko
It happens. It sucks, but it's probably temporary.

Maggie David (she or they, birthday June 4)
05-10-2018, 10:30 PM
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dragon cake Offline
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#52
 
RE: Blayze and Kyoko
Day 138

- Meditated for over an hour and couldn’t feel Kyoko at all. Every time I tried to imagine her she was gone immediately.

- Finally felt her in the evening, but by then I was literally jumping at shadows. I don’t know why I devolved that quickly. Once I felt her here I imagined her guarding me from the other thoughtform and felt better almost immediately. I don’t even understand why I couldn’t imagine her even if she wasn’t there. I wish I understood all this more.

- She hasn’t spoken again so I still don’t know why I lost contact so much. I’m scared because if I made her angry or upset, I still don’t know what I did to do that and thus don’t know how to not do it again.
05-11-2018, 01:44 PM
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dragon cake Offline
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#53
 
RE: Blayze and Kyoko
Stopping my 'mentorship' since my mentor hasn't ever actually given me advice. In the end I'm doing worse now than before I started talking to them. They've made their lack of interest pretty obvious so I guess in the end it was just another person that stepped on my faith.
I kind of wish tulpas were more of a religious thing, because then at least there would be people eager to help you.

I went onto the tulpa and hosts amino hoping to connect to something that would help. Found out that the other tulpa I wanted Kyoko to talk to is suicidal, so now I feel worse. Though I shouldn't be surprised at all this. This is pretty much the way everything I attempt eventually goes.

I'm going to message the potential mentors I haven't yet. If that doesn't work I don't know if I'm going to post here again because there isn't really a point.
(This post was last modified: 05-21-2018, 07:13 PM by dragon cake.)
05-21-2018, 12:08 PM
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vtk Offline
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#54
 
RE: Blayze and Kyoko
There's a point. Even if nobody reads your progress report thread (I do) it still serves as a kind of diary. Either of you may find it interesting to reread in the future. At the very least, the very act of writing it can help you organize your thoughts and may catalyze greater clarity within your own mind.

Maggie David (she or they, birthday June 4)
Yesterday, 09:26 AM
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dragon cake Offline
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#55
 
RE: Blayze and Kyoko
(Yesterday, 09:26 AM)vtk Wrote: There's a point. Even if nobody reads your progress report thread (I do) it still serves as a kind of diary. Either of you may find it interesting to reread in the future. At the very least, the very act of writing it can help you organize your thoughts and may catalyze greater clarity within your own mind.

It's doing more I think to remind me every day how long it's taken me. The day count is a lot higher than I thought it'd get before I had some significant vocality.
And if it's a diary, I can keep that on my own. All I'm doing it copy/pasting from my offline journal anyway, and even then I don't post 100% of it for the public to see, so if I read over it again I'm going to read that copy, not this one.
So really unless I can find an actual mentor that cares to read and respond to it, there's no point in making it public. And even the mentor idea has done more harm than good. All my first attempt did was put faith in someone who said they'd help but turned out to have no interest in giving advice or listening to what difficulties I had.
The whole experience ended up setting me back, I was hearing clips of voice, at least I thought I was, and now I'm back to barely being able to sense her. It seems to have happened every single time so far that I've put significant faith in anyone in the community. Which has only been three times, but it's really hard for me to trust people so each one is a huge set back. It's a vicious cycle where I make enough progress to put faith in someone and then have it smashed.
11 hours ago
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OleGL Offline
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#56
 
RE: Blayze and Kyoko
Hi dragon cake.

Sorry for intervening your thread but I couldn't just pass by after reading it.
You made a good progress with visualization and wonderland affairs. There were several bad moments with you relyng on the indifferent and unworthy people. Don't let these moments influence on your relations with your tulpa.
We (me and Lia) made almost the same path as yours in the terms of time. There were many issues with the voice, appearance, sense of presence, disappearing for no reasons etc. Now, when Lia speaks fluently, she can explain things I just made assumptions about. That wrong assumptions that lead me into the deep frustration.
Based on our experience, I'd say the following:
There is basically no problem when your tulpa "disappears" for a couple of days, especially after some strong emotional stress. Tulpas are very empathic beings no matter how thick is their brigandine in the wonderland. They can feel selves too exhausted to communicate and need some time to "restore". Yes, it feels devastating for host but please be patient and compassionate. She can't just vanish so easily after all.
Speaking with the mindvoice is a common way of interaction with the host. It is also called "tulpish". In its basic form it sounds like you remembered that someone just said something without hearing a voice by itself. Upgrading this feeling into a full-fledged audial hallucination is a big deal and a long way.
Also we supposed that at your level of interaction Kyoko could barely think while being not in focus. So don't expect she pops up with a philosophical question right out of nowhere. And she is not in the wonderland "entertaining herself beating monsters etc". She is actually dormant waiting for your attention.
That's all for now. Finally, please don't give it up. Don't drop your diary into one of many graves out here.
(You could also take a look at our thread)
4 hours ago
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dragon cake Offline
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#57
 
RE: Blayze and Kyoko
I appreciate the support.
3 hours ago
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