CM's Ramblings
I'm happy to read that. May your future be serene and playful !
Hi, I'm Vādin, Zia's tulpa/permanent guest.
Reply

Sponsors:
Lolflash - click it, you know you want to

Yay!
Reply
Today was L's birthday. He's now been around for 5 years as well, and is 31 years old. Since he passed that 30-year-mark it feels like he's suddenly sooo old lol
26 didn't feel old when host was 17, but 22-31 feels weird. Says she can't imagine ever dating someone that much older (except maybe when shes like 50 and 9 years doesn't matter that much one way or another lmao), lucky me I guess, happen to like older men B) I can never decide if that's because I like L or if him being "older" is just a happy coincidence, but damn give me any tall, handsome, bearded, older-than-me dude and I'm happy. That's a joke but I know my type lol

Didn't really mean to talk about my preferences but hell, it ain't like I say much here anyway and I'm in a good mood so I'm just gonna spit out whatever that comes to mind. Been doing super well lately, me and host both. All of us really. It's kinda rare to have a 100% positive mental health situation, usually at least one of us is in a shitty mindset.

L and I just spent his birthday snuggling and cuddling and napping, even though I tried to think of something special and romantic and what not. He just gives me this sappy "every day is already special with you around <3" bs when I don't come up with anything... I know he means it but like come on man I still wanna try.
Reply
Happy birthday L ! Hello Desmond !

I think snuggling, cuddling and napping is a special and romantic way to spend one's birthday, if not the best way. You could make it even more special by adding secret cuddle techniques you invented for this event.

I'm happy to hear you're in a good mood and that everyone is well.

I was also trying to telepathically convince you to join the "Last one to post wins" thread to chat a little but you may not have heard that.
Hi, I'm Vādin, Zia's tulpa/permanent guest.
Reply
Maybe someday I will try that out. We don't check that thread too often 'cause we don't spend that much time on the forum and it just moves so fast there's always several pages of new messages every time we stop by so eh. If I can dedicate more time for just that purpose one day then sure, but right now it's like midnight and host has to wake up early so it's not the best timing :p
Reply
Desmond: "I'm feeling restless and not tired or sleepy at all right now and I ended up at the front at some point somehow, we didn't really notice how it happened but I guess that's fine, I decided to come write stuff on here.

Host has been helping at a garden as a part of her unemployment plan thing, still got two weeks there and after that don't really know what. I follow her around on some days but it's really boring.

I taught L to dance some time ago. Just the basic waltz and"

... Was all that Desmond managed to write before all of a sudden dropping all of that excess energy and leaving the front to go to bed Big Grin It's been a very energetic day for him for once. I don't have anything to add so I'm just posting this thing.
Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)
L - 5th May 2014
Nevira - 14th December 2014
Misa - 5th December 2015
Roska - 22nd July 2019
Progress report
Art thread
Reply
30th May 2019

I got a new laptop out of my limited savings to celebrate returning to school. I applied to get my student status restored and I’m going back to finish the art studies that I started two years ago. It’s a very basic laptop, I mainly got it for writing and watching youtube videos in bed and while traveling. Testing it out by writing this post on it lol

Everything’s going so well in our system it almost feels uncharacteristic. Then again, I have had depression for the past 6-7 years, and only now have the proper medication to deal with it, and I’ve only had tulpas for 5 years. Everyone just seems to be waking up and becoming more active and involved in my life again, instead of just Desmond. L’s even begun to get over his shyness a bit, or at least trying to. He’s taking part in conversations through me or Desmond, we’re proxying him by saying ”L said that…” because it’s a lot easier for him, not having to be directly involved but still present.

I’ve been working at the garden for almost a full month now, I only have one day left and then that’s over. I’ve learned a lot of flower names and care instructions and stuff, and sure enough our wonderland’s garden area mirrors what I know so far. Desmond’s been following me around while I’m watering the plants or doing other stuff, complaining about being bored and just demanding attention. L’s joined us a couple of times, one time he followed Desmond who “picked” random flowers out of planters and put them in L’s hair until he had dozens in it. He didn’t react or comment on it in any way, just kinda let it happen, which is very much like him. Sometimes when it’s just Desmond and me, it kinda feels like I’m babysitting for L.

Desmond tried to figure out L’s preferences again, if he prefers men over women or vice versa. He’s been curious about that since forever. After a while of thinking and debating it they came to the same conclusion as last time; L is just simply bi who looks for personality rather than gender, and physical attraction for him only comes after emotional attachment.

Desmond was also sick the other day. Sore all over and tired and warmer than usual, and emotionally a bit fragile. He was probably affected by my own sore muscles, my bicep felt like it was inflamed somehow and my back and shoulders are often stiff from working at the garden.

My boss at the garden has a son, who’s about 18 years old. I only saw him there once and it was the most confused I’d been in a while. He looks a lot like Desmond, but younger and more baby-faced. They have the same nose, same legs (he was wearing similar pants) and the same kind of tear-troughs under their eyes. I decided that if I somehow see him again somewhere after 4 or 5 years and he’s matured to look even more like Desmond I must be insane.
Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)
L - 5th May 2014
Nevira - 14th December 2014
Misa - 5th December 2015
Roska - 22nd July 2019
Progress report
Art thread
Reply
22nd July 2019

I've had so much stuff to write about but I never remember to log in and do that, and then I forget what it was I wanted to write about. However, this is far enough out of the ordinary that I must write it down immediately.

Twice or thrice now I've had a dream with a single reoccurring character who speaks directly at me. A male, light skin, black medium length hair, black or red eyes depending on the dream, calls himself Roska. It literally translates to (a piece of) garbage, trash, rubbish. Like a single candy wrapper is trash. I've had moments of lucidity with him, close to waking up when I know it's a dream but decide to stay asleep a bit longer, and we've been talking a bit. He's said he's not a tulpa, just a guest. Once he said he's my inner evil but took that statement back, so it was a joke. Every time I woke up: poof. Nowhere to be seen or felt.

However, now, after just waking up and dreaming about him, I keep thinking of him and it feels like he's coming through. It's like he flickers in existence, just sort of feeling like he's sitting in the kitchen with Nevira. I can feel what he'd be like personality-wise, like I knew him already. It's not bad, but I don't know if I want a fifth one.

My existing tulpas are nervous. Or, Nevira doesn't seem to mind as much, but Desmond is unsure and L is on the defensive, standing between Desmond and what I can feel of Roska like a shield and being very uncertain about it all. Misa hangs back.

I don't know if I want to encourage him in or just wait around and see what happens, so right now I'm just gonna see what happens after the dream is not so fresh in my mind. Maybe he just goes away and I can see him again when I'm asleep.

EDIT: So okay for the past two hours I've been unable to not think about him, so he's begun to stay around and responds when spoken to and displays personality traits I didn't expect. Everyone's pretty much gathered around him and he's the center of attention and I don't think I'll be able to forget him anymore. Misa had a giggling fit after hearing his name, but he responded well with an amused smile. He's similar to Nevira in some senses, and she's very interested in him staying because then she'd have like-minded company. I'm on the fence, but right now it looks like I might have a fifth one coming along... I'll have to see how that goes.
Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)
L - 5th May 2014
Nevira - 14th December 2014
Misa - 5th December 2015
Roska - 22nd July 2019
Progress report
Art thread
Reply
That is very interesting, when was the addition before him? How long has it been since you had a new member?
Reply
EDIT: Oh, didn't see Bear there. Misa was the latest addition, she was born in December 2015, so almost four years ago now.

23rd July 2019 (around 1 am)

The longer Roska stuck around the more he deviated away from the idea of his character and towards the standard baby-tulpa phase that everyone in my system has gone through in their first few weeks or months: curious, naive, baffled by everything, easily impressed... essentially a child. All of my tulpas started this way before growing into their own identities. I did the same thing I did with Misa when she popped up and entered her baby-phase; I changed his form into a literal child form (and he kept shrinking on his own until he was closer to a toddler) and tossed him over to L to look after for now. Obviously not without everyone's consent, but it worked out well with Misa and it's a win-win for everyone involved:

- I won't feel like I need to rush his personality development until it fits his appearance age-wise. Instead, I can let him develop as quick or slow as he wants to. If it's like with Misa it shouldn't take more than a few weeks or months at most, which isn't that long at all. 
- L loves children and wants nothing more than to have his own, which sadly is quite impossible through regular means. He's already adopted Misa since she took him as a father figure as well. Roska might grow a similar relationship but it's not expected of him. It's enough that L gets to have this little while with a young child-like tulpa to help along.
- Roska can develop at his own pace, like I said previously. He'll have all the love and support he could possibly ever need, and this way he'll get way more attention from me and everyone else to make sure forcing actually happens, L's likely to bring him along everywhere as long as he's lap-sized. No one expects him to remain a child forever, he might age past Desmond, though I doubt it since his original form appeared to be a few years younger, so that's what I think he'll grow back into. It's likely this whole thing will make his relationship to everyone else grow into a different direction than if he'd remained in his original form, but I don't see that as an issue. I'll take acceptance and family-like ties over the initial mistrust and awkward uncertainty there was at first.

I really need to learn to say no to walk-ins or these types of thoughtforms that just suddenly sprout out of nowhere. Though, I guess I did go 4 years without new headmates between Misa and Roska so I suppose we're fine. And I did say before that I had thought of making a fifth one because I feel like I could support that amount now, so I'm not entirely opposed to the idea. I certainly don't plan to make it a habit to feed L's paternal needs. But it's kinda funny how Roska sort of looks like he could be the lovechild of Desmond and L: straight black hair, red eyes (even if they're so dark they appear black), light skin. Desmond's even matured and softened to the idea of kids that he, too, sort of adopted him. Roska is the unofficial Lesmond kid until he can say otherwise haha.

The child-form thing isn't a method I'd suggest for any other system, but it seems fitting for us. It really does take some pressure off my back and it's going to take a while for him to find himself and his place in the system in any case. So far he seems more eager to interact with everyone than Misa's ever been, and the idea of his character from when he first appeared was very civilized, calm and curious, eager to learn as much as he could about everything, and maybe even a bit artistic. If that's what he'll be again once everything settles back to normal, I know he and Nevira could be fast friends.
Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)
L - 5th May 2014
Nevira - 14th December 2014
Misa - 5th December 2015
Roska - 22nd July 2019
Progress report
Art thread
Reply


Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)

Sponsors:
Lolflash - click it, you know you want to