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CM's Ramblings
#41
25th November 2016 - Day 950

L was feeling sad last night. He wanted to talk to some people but he's too shy to initiate conversation and he doesn't think he knows how to talk with other people. So he was feeling a little bit lonely, everyone else except for me was already asleep and I apparently didn't count as company enough to make him feel better. He ended up waking Desmond up and they kind of cuddled it off.
They were still all lovey-dovey cuddles the next morning, so Desmond didn't really spend time outside of wonderland for a while. I went to help move my sister to another apartment, in another city somewhat far from my place, takes 2-3 hours to drive there. He wasn't with me on my way there, but once there he appeared behind me and poked my shoulder, and I felt it so clearly and life-like that I almost jumped. It was pretty awesome :D means we're getting somewhere I guess.

He promised to keep me company on my way back home, if I in turn promised to move the passenger's seat a bit backwards so that his legs fit more comfortably. Some bits of conversation from there:

Me: *buys a coke bottle*
Desmond: "You gonna put that on the seat so that it'll go through my ass?"
Me: "Yup"
- in the car-
Me: *places bottle*
Desmond: "(unenthusiastic) nooo you touched my butt"
Me: "hehehehehe"

Desmond: "Do the road signs tell the direct distance to the destination or the length of the road there?"
Me: "Uh, the length of the road, why?"
Desmond: "Just think how amazing it would be if it was the actual distance and the sign said something like 3 km, but the road goes a very odd route and the drive ends up being twice as long. That'd be something."

-a snow-covered car passes by-
Desmond: "... Where the hell did that guy find snow??"
(There was no snow on the ground in my or my sister's home-city or anywhere in between)

Me: "*sighs* How would I even manage without you guys"
Desmond: "No worries, you're not going to get rid of me at this point ;)"

Me: "Hey, could you hand me that bott- no wait nevermind..."
Desmond: "Oh yeah sure, take this imaginary copy of it :I"

At one point he randomly possessed my idle hand to skip a song, saying it was boring. I didn't exactly give him a permission to do that, but then again I didn't do a thing to stop him or even think about it. It was a bit surprising but I don't really mind :'D
Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)
L - 5th May 2014
Nevira - 14th December 2014
Misa - 5th December 2015
Roska - 22nd July 2019
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#42
27th November 2016 - Day 952 Misa: "It's almost Christmas!!!"

Desmond seemed to have more energy than usual today, and I decided what better way to make use of it than to have him possess me and go grocery shopping. I like giving him more "power" because he clearly enjoys it when I let him make decisions for me sometimes :'D

Desmond: *throws gloves on the seat*
Me: "... Don't leave them in the car, they'll be cold when we come back."
Desmond: "Bah, whatever."
- in the store -
Desmond: *walks to a very specific direction*
Me: ???
Desmond: "You want bacon, right?"
Me: "Well not necessarily, there are more important things to buy right now."
Desmond: "It's on sale B)"
Me: ".... fine, take it"
- at another shelf -
Desmond: "Nipple cookies ಠ_ಠ"
Me: "Yep :'D"
Desmond: ".... I'm buying them"

"Nipple cookies":
   

We also got some gingerbread because he'd never tasted it before, at least not "physically" through me, and he wanted to know if he likes them. Then I ended up getting a whole chicken, I think they sold it as "Christmas broiler" or something like that. I was planning on having him buy minced meat, but he started whining that I should just go a second time when I really need to because I should be fine with the broiler for now :DD Desmond just didn't want to spend any more time shopping. He didn't buy me coke *cries*. I did get juice concentrate, though. Of course, I could've just gone and got the bottle myself, but I didn't want to. It wouldn't have been as fun. I had to speak to the cashier in his stead though because he gets shy with people when he possesses.

- back in the car -
Desmond: *puts on gloves* "....." *takes off gloves*
Me: "Told you so"
Desmond: "Oh shut up >:I "

Also no, I don't let Desmond drive lol. He's kinda partly there, but he's not actually driving, I do that and he just watches.
He did like gingerbread, and told me not to eat all of them when he's not able to :'D Fine then. I'll just eat nipple cookies. Gonna try mess with the chicken tomorrow, it's kinda late to start cooking it now. Bacon and rye bread will do.
Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)
L - 5th May 2014
Nevira - 14th December 2014
Misa - 5th December 2015
Roska - 22nd July 2019
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#43
This is not tulpa related, but my god I need to write somewhere. This is the only place I feel that I can do that, you're all strangers enough so it won't bother anyone on a personal level, but I still need people to see me.

EDIT: There was stuff about depression and hypothyroidism and anxiety and all that shit but no more!

To make it a bit tulpa related, I'm just gonna mention that Desmond spent most of the time I was awake just casually sitting on L's lap. Nothing else has happened today and I can't even remember most of yesterday.
Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)
L - 5th May 2014
Nevira - 14th December 2014
Misa - 5th December 2015
Roska - 22nd July 2019
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#44
5th February 2017 - Day 1022

Over 1000 days in tulpamancy, whoo!
Writing here's becoming kinda difficult because we're not really making progress at this point .__. And I'm kinda ok with that, we've gotten so far and all my tulpas are independent and easy to tell apart and all that. I feel like all that's really missing is imposition, and we're still working on it with Desmond but not really actively, and not enough to write about it on here.
I suppose I could just write about what's been going on with us lately and stuff. And I would, if I could remember. My memory's really terrible and I always forget what I was going to write when I start writing here. Big Grin But I'm trying.

Desmond's still dancing on the edge of depression, with mild anxiety attacks and at times inconsolable crying. His mood can go from being perfectly fine to super sad in minutes when certain subjects are brought up. He still struggles with his fears of being abandoned and seeming annoying or just stupid in other people's eyes and he's become really self-conscious about stuff he didn't much care about before. All in all his self-esteem has gone down a huge amount. He loves talking to people but now he's scared to do that most of the time, and it's pretty hard for both of us. Here's to hoping it'll ease up later on.

Other than that I can't actually think of much else to say. That's what's mostly on my mind, I guess, since it's pretty frequent. I'll try to be more active, though I already know that I'll fail pretty quickly.
Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)
L - 5th May 2014
Nevira - 14th December 2014
Misa - 5th December 2015
Roska - 22nd July 2019
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#45
6th February 2017 - Day 1023

Had Desmond go shopping today, and walk the dog.

It seems strange but it almost feels like my dog acts differently around him compared to how he's around me .__. It's really odd because I'm sure he can't tell the difference, I mean how could he? When Desmond went to put his collar on, the dog calmly stood up on his hind legs against him and just stayed still and pressed his face on his/my hands to be petted. And he never does that with me. He seems to respond better to his talking as well, but I think it's because his voice comes out lower than my natural voice, so it might sound more uhhh... commanding? authorative? to my dog. It's interesting.
The same time he walked the dog he also returned some bottles and decided to get a small chocolate bar with the money he got from it. He doesn't generally like sweet things but a small bag of chips was "too much trouble" and he wanted to eat something now that he had the chance. At one point walking back with my dog, he accidentally dropped a piece of the chocolate bar on the snow, stared at it for a second, stepped on it and walked away. I would've still eaten it :'D it seemed clean enough.

For shopping I gave him a budget of 20€. The plan was to go to a certain grocery store that's known for its low prices and sometimes worse quality, but the prices matter more to me. However, Desmond's known to be lazy and before we reached that store he stopped walking and pointed out another store that was closer by (by only like 200 meters). There was a small debate on which store we should go to, me pressing for the cheap one and Desmond insisting that the price difference couldn't be that big and that the store that was closer had better food. I pointed out that with 20€ you could only get 4 items if each cost 5€, but he started walking towards the more expensive one anyway. Once there I gave in and raised the budget to 50€. However, he ended up only spending 16€. Which I'm somewhat proud of, to be honest. Big Grin
Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)
L - 5th May 2014
Nevira - 14th December 2014
Misa - 5th December 2015
Roska - 22nd July 2019
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#46
8th February 2017 - Day 1025

Desmond and L sneaked out the other night. I was going to bed and so were all my tulpas and Desmond muttered that he wanted to eat something and that he rarely does in wonderland. 

L sat up and went: "Let's go now", and proceeded to drag a slightly confused Desmond out of the bed and into the kitchen. There, he rummaged through the cabinets and pulled out a plastic bag. "Oh, we have marshmallows?"
"Of course we have marshmallows, you could pull anything out of the cabinet. It's practically magic", Desmond snorted.
L: "... Let's go roast them outside :D"
Desmond: "... Uh. Outside? It's kinda dark though??"
L: "Oh come on. I'll protect you."
Me: "I will protect you from everything you ever decide to be afraid of" (referring to a song, rough translation :'D)
L: "*snort* sure, that works."
Nevira: "*walks halfway down the stairs and peeks into the kitchen* What the hell are you guys doing in the middle of the night?"
L: "*snickering* We're going outside"
Nevira: "Outside? .__. Now?"
L: "Yup. Got marshmallows."
Nevira: "Uh.. Alright then. Have fun I guess. *goes back upstairs*"
L: "Alright. Grab a blanket or two, we're gonna build a campfire in the woods. No, a bonfire! Let's make it a big one"
Desmond: "... Maybe let's stick to a slightly larger campfire, yeah?"

And then they left with a small pile of blankets and the marshmallows. I'm almost surprised that Desmond agreed so easily though I guess L's sudden spike in excitement kinda dragged him into it :D

I had something I was gonna write here in between but I forgot what it was.

Desmond woke up this morning feeling sick, and appeared feverish. It feels kinda bad to say that I'm happy how the attempted realism in our system and wonderland allows illnesses and stuff like that in my tulpas, even when I'm not sick myself. He stayed in bed most of the day and attempted to come out with me when I went to buy cat food, but L came to pick him up and drag him back to bed not long after :'D

Guess that's all for now then. It seems like I might actually be able to stay active here for a while now, which is great.
Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)
L - 5th May 2014
Nevira - 14th December 2014
Misa - 5th December 2015
Roska - 22nd July 2019
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#47
12th February 2017 - Day 1029

Desmond went shopping while possessing again, yesterday. It's a way more fun way to get groceries than just going by myself without possession. He picks up stuff that I don't usually buy so it kinda brings more variation to what I eat.
Sometimes it's kinda difficult to stop the possession, for some reason. Desmond and I take turns almost accidentally when we try to end it and at times it's hard to tell which one is controlling the body. Once I felt as if his tail was on my body in a situation like that and it was a bit strange, but after a while he manages to "leave" completely and I regain full control of the body and senses.

--

L: "So, Valentine's Day soon. You wanna do something special?"
Desmond: "Pfft come on that's just lame."
L: "Bah. Spoilsport."
Desmond: ">:c Am not! Fine we'll do something, jeez"
L: " <3 "

Desmond's kinda easy to manipulate I guess.

--

Earlier today Desmond was laughing his ass off at the thought of L's wolf form having more nipples than his human form. Because male dogs have 6 Big Grin His sense of humor is amazing in its own special way.
Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)
L - 5th May 2014
Nevira - 14th December 2014
Misa - 5th December 2015
Roska - 22nd July 2019
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#48
16th February 2017 - Day 1033

And today, it seems, we're having a mild crisis again. Or Desmond is, anyway.

There was a discussion thread where people wondered if being tulpa was a cage. And in his case it's more true than any of us would like to admit. He wants to be his own being and influence the world around him more than is possible now, and he wants to form real relationships with people. In the very least he wants to be considered a separate personality and identity despite not being physically separate from me, stating that he would be more than happy to settle on that if that were true. I'm hoping it is on this forum at least. His worries are mainly focused on the Finnish forum where his friends are. He's worried that the hosts don't take him seriously because he's "just a tulpa", and don't consider his opinions and feelings as valid as mine. He feels like his words are somehow less valuable because they're coming through me, and that other people don't even want him joining conversations because they would see him just as some sort of an accessory. So he avoids talking to people even when he's feeling ok, and it can really turn him miserable at times.
He was somewhat chatty here for a while, but it only took one scary or unpleasant experience that was most likely not even intended as such to make him feel unwelcome on the forum, he doesn't want to talk anymore. He tries, sometimes, but he's scared. Not trying to call anyone out or make anyone feel quilty or apologize or anything even if someone feels like they did something to affect him this way, he states it's his own stupidity that makes him feel this way and that it's no ones fault. I agree that he's just sensitive right now, because I wouldn't have reacted as strongly to what it was even though I'm pretty sensitive myself. Mental health and shit.

In any case, a short update that's mostly just negative but.. It's something.
Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)
L - 5th May 2014
Nevira - 14th December 2014
Misa - 5th December 2015
Roska - 22nd July 2019
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Art thread
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#49
Oh, Desmond, I worry about you a little. Do not forget my standing offer to chat whenever.

Dogs read body language better than humans. At least a subset. And tulpas can have drastically different body language. Humans are not too bright.
Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.
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#50
It might not be the most pleasant thing to do, but maybe Desmond should try to voice his concerns within that group of friends. I think it's likely that this is just a misunderstanding, and there'll be no way of finding out until someone takes action, no?

If he ever wants to talk to someone from this community to feel included, try getting him to send a private message to someone. It's easier than thrusting yourself into the public discussions. I'm sure that most people here wouldn't mind talking to him, myself included.
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