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CM's Ramblings
ClianthaMiura Offline
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#81
 
RE: CM's Ramblings
19th July 2017 - Day 1186

Desmond and L had their first wedding anniversary 13th of July, which was almost a week ago. They spent nearly the entire day on "Do not disturb" but spent some time together with the rest of us. And because the exact date on which they got together in the first place is not known, but somewhere during summer anyway, they've decided to just use the 13th as an anniversary date for that, too. So it's 3 years together and one year married.

I posted pics of my attempts to create Desmond and L's looks in Black Desert Online's character creation earlier. I somehow ended up quickly painting on top of them a little bit to get them to look more like them.

         

Just a really quick and lazy edit but they look better so :'D

Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)
L - 5th May 2014
Nevira - 14th December 2014
Misa - 5th December 2015
Progress report
Art thread
07-18-2017, 10:02 PM
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ClianthaMiura Offline
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#82
 
RE: CM's Ramblings
25th September 2017 - Day 1254

I'm still really bad at keeping a progress report.

Desmond's been doing really bad again lately. More problems with anxiety and depression. He feels that he's a bad person and that he can't do anything right. Most of the time he's too upset to talk to a lot of people and just becomes this antisocial ball of angst. L's been doing great calming him down, though, so he's managing. He cries and sleeps a lot and it's upsetting to see him like that because I just want him to be better and back to himself. I hope it will pass soon, he was doing so great for a while and finally able to be himself and now it's back to this. It's also sad because I see myself in what he's going through because I've been there; sleeping, crying, exclusion, suicidal thoughts... It's all the same but yet I can't seem to be able to do anything about it. We're making sure he knows we love him and talk about things when he's feeling well enough to have conversations with but that's all we can do so far. He doesn't want to front most of the time so I can't let him use the body to distract himself from his thoughts with video games or something. L keeps him grounded when he can with hugs and cuddles.

So that's pretty much all there is to update. Nothing new, really, just to make a note that it's downhill again.

Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)
L - 5th May 2014
Nevira - 14th December 2014
Misa - 5th December 2015
Progress report
Art thread
(This post was last modified: 09-25-2017, 08:05 AM by ClianthaMiura.)
09-25-2017, 08:05 AM
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Claude
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#83
 
RE: CM's Ramblings
Yikes.

I'll say this: I've been there, it isn't fun. I think what makes it.. hard is that even when you have people there, telling you you're great, telling you they love you- it's hard to believe. Because you don't see them telling you they love you because of positive one, two, and three- you see them deluding themselves into loving you because you are clearly garbage and why would they like garbage?

The only thing I can say regarding it is, keep telling him you love him. Because, you know what? Eventually, there'll be this.. click. A thought of, "I can do this." And he'll pull through. Or maybe he'll actually have a longer thought process to it, but that's how it was for me.

And Desmond, buddy- hang in there. You're an awesome guy, and hell, you'd been here what, three years now? That is a long time you've beat this. You're gonna beat it again, and again. And not only are you going to, you're not alone in doing it either- you've got your system and friends, and you're gonna kick those negative thoughts' asses and everything will be fine.

See you soon, and good luck.
09-25-2017, 04:50 PM
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ClianthaMiura Offline
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#84
 
RE: CM's Ramblings
Desmond: "Ugh, you guys are always so nice..."

8th October 2017

So, good news is Desmond is doing better. It was a relatively short angsty period for him, which is good, obviously. But the bad news is that it's apparently my turn to be angsty and miserable now. We seem to be taking turns.
I've had to seriously consider sick leave and/or starting medication to deal with depression because when it hits it hits hard enough to make me think about how useless it is to even try to keep living when everything just feels like shit. I can't get schoolwork done, half the time I can't even show up because of anxiety and I've just lost all motivation and interest to do anything. So it doesn't make much sense for me to go to school right now because I'm not getting anything done and really should just get my head right first.

Also I was wondering if I have maladaptive daydreaming because I often zone out of the real world around me and start creating scenarios and stories around them and getting emotionally invested in them until I snap out of it only to realize I've wasted at least half an hour doing nothing. It's not voluntary, just happens when I'm walking around or doing a simple task like cooking or washing dishes. Sometimes I even speak out loud. It's annoying.

Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)
L - 5th May 2014
Nevira - 14th December 2014
Misa - 5th December 2015
Progress report
Art thread
10-08-2017, 05:52 PM
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ClianthaMiura Offline
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#85
 
RE: CM's Ramblings
23rd October 2017

I've been on antidepressants for a week now, the side effects so far have been mainly weakness and dizzyness which I can deal with fairly well. However last night I was imagining different scenarios in my head like I sometimes do, and suddenly felt like I didn't know if it was real or not. I didn't know who I was thinking about and for a second I didn't know who I was or where I was. And I got so confused and scared and started thinking if I'd imagined the whole day. The feeling of uncertainty didn't go away for a while and I was scared to fall asleep. I wanted to go to wonderland but I was scared it would somehow make it worse to be around my tulpas and my own thoughts and imagination so I didn't. I can't remember if it passed before I fell asleep but I felt normal the next morning.

Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)
L - 5th May 2014
Nevira - 14th December 2014
Misa - 5th December 2015
Progress report
Art thread
(This post was last modified: 10-23-2017, 07:32 PM by ClianthaMiura.)
10-23-2017, 08:27 AM
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tulpa001 Offline
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#86
 
RE: CM's Ramblings
Well, that sound a little scary. You still feeling alright overall?

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10-23-2017, 02:57 PM
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ClianthaMiura Offline
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#87
 
RE: CM's Ramblings
Overall yeah, aside from the reasons for needing antidepressants in the first place. And the side effects from them, which so far include slight nausea, dizziness, weakness and occasionally shaking... I'm just taking it easy for a while now and hoping I can bounce back after Christmas break. Trying to do light stress-free studying so that I won't fall behind that much in the meanwhile.

Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)
L - 5th May 2014
Nevira - 14th December 2014
Misa - 5th December 2015
Progress report
Art thread
10-23-2017, 07:40 PM
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