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CM's Ramblings
ClianthaMiura Offline

Posts: 284
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Joined: Sep 2014
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RE: CM's Ramblings

27th January 2019

Depression-related crap:

I hate winter because it makes me have to walk to the store. It's too easy to sink into my thoughts and get suicidal thoughts and just be angry about everything. Getting groceries can ruin a whole day with that bullshit. Desmond was with me at the store, trying to come up with reasons why I should care about living, saying things he'd never admit under normal circumstances. Like that there's so much beauty in life, and in me, and that all things, such as plants, are infinitely more beautiful alive and healthy than dead, and that even I have the potential for that for as long as I just hang on. Desmond's worried, for me but also for himself. He cried, almost made me cry too but didn't because I can't cry in public, he said he doesn't want to die. He loves how his life is going right now, he's feeling good about himself and has reasons to live for. I'm so proud of him and that, too, makes me want to cry. That ended up cheering me up in the end, and I could go on with the rest of my day normally. I can take pride in my tulpas and my pets, they're reason enough for now.

Long story short, life is bad but tulpas make it better. They're strong enough to speak through sad thoughts again.

But Desmond has been doing just amazing recently. He's very talkative and frequently jumps in conversations I'm having with our friends, and he's especially attached to one tulpa in particular. It feels like whenever they get a conversation going, he gets all energetic and giddy and laughs at dumb things and has trouble sitting still. Usually he's anything but those things. After talks like that he's always either content and happy, or happy and emotional, but overall just feels good about things. He once jokingly said it was "better than sex" :'D
We've known them for at least three years now, and if I remember correctly they got friendly with each other pretty quick. I do think it's been an invaluable experience for him and his development as a person and I hope we stay in touch for a long time.

I remember L being jealous about them in the beginning, but he got over himself and has never been jealous about anything since. Now it doesn't even really matter how hard Desmond's swooning over other guys or how much he talks about wanting to do lewd things to them, he knows it would never go beyond just talk, even if he had the chance to act on it. L trusts him enough to be genuinely amused by things like that, not a single worry in his mind. So, he's no longer jealous, but instead so happy that Desmond has a friend. He's really grown to like them too, but would never say that to their face, since he already has trouble speaking to people. And because they haven't actually really talked, he just likes them based on observation. They're the one he has managed to say a few sentences to recently, though.
(if the people in question are reading, hi)

Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)
L - 5th May 2014
Nevira - 14th December 2014
Misa - 5th December 2015
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01-27-2019, 06:27 PM
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