My definition and perception of 'unconscious parroting' is replying quickly enough to myself that I don't have to think about it. And then immediately viewing that response as my tupper, and moving on from it.
Which would probably fit the bill of some of what I've been experiencing, sure, and it could even be a lot of it, but I don't think all.
What I'm doing right now, parroting, is just, totally consciously replying to myself. Which.. Yeah, actually feels fairly similar, all things considered, to what I attribute to being legit Null speech. But it's still definitely me. I can have her tell me, 'sure, I don't mind you're having troubles at all, I'd even _prefer_ if you'd continue to ignore me and focus on other things', and yeah, right now that sounds like Null is the one saying it, even though I know she's not, that's me.
Which, you know, obviously doesn't do anything to reinforce my confidence in her, and myself, but that's where that stands. Parroting is just such a trashy thing, I'm sick of even thinking about it, right now.
And ugh, I _know_ that's part of my problem. If I'd just view it as a tool to help further speech in the long run, I'd be better off. But, I just don't, innately. It just feels pathetic, or something.
I guess I still don't view Null as real enough, as anyone reading can tell from my absolutely unpanicked attitude towards this current situation. Which is weird. I've had a pretty solid attitude for the last few weeks, about this, and her, and everything, but even the good moments still aren't enough, I guess. My own problem, though.
Definitely envious of people who like.. Start on their tupper, whatever they want out of the relationship, and feel nothing but love, and excitement for what's to come. Probably does wonders, huh. I guess I don't have much of that, these days.
I'm getting on, my bad. I was talking at her for most of this last night, and a good bit of today, just going over things, and this situation, and whatever else. Still radio silence, but idk, we'll see.