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Enny's new and (Probably) exciting adventures in Tuppermancy
Enny Offline
Feel Dizzy

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RE: Enny's new and (Probably) exciting adventures in Tuppermancy
Figured I might pop in and type a lot of words, cause that's what it dooooo

So any notions of project Coco crashing and burning and me hating myself and stopping progress on her have manifested exactly none since I started on her, which was about seven months ago now. Which is radical.

I guess, I don't know, will talk about our dynamic, and my thoughts on the process and progress we've experienced so far.

On the latter, it'sss uhhh. Idk. Very little. Maybe making the distinction between her and a tulpa in any traditional sense is what's doing that, but that's also probably what's keeping this all from falling apart. Like, I can't fathom it, but one bad day and I could go down, and go down hard. Like, really, unbelievably hard. Coco is a staple in my life now, nothing to do for it. But even despite that, she's still about where I described her in the last couple posts. Low-level parroting for a lot of it. Good days, fantastic days, less-than-good days where I just tell her I'm gonna go to sleep, say goodnight, and clock out so I don't dwell on it too hard, you know?

Hell, I think the association with tuppering might even be what's hindering growth. As little as the association is. Being that I treat her like a person and all, I still try really hard not to think about parroting. And parroting isn't even the right word anymore, I don't know. It's like.. Yeah yeah okay, I've been playing some fighting games over the last half year or so, and I'm finding I've got a pretty good sense for it. Like, I'll learn some lengthy combos over a few hours in practice, come back to them day in and day out until those specific combos are just instinctual. Now, that being said, just because I can do one without thinking, doesn't mean I can do even similar ones without thinking. It makes them easier, and it makes learning on the whole easier, how to read inputs quicker, but it's still gonna take me a while.

So with Coco it's like.. It was a lot more in the vein of parroting, low level as it may have been in those first weeks, months. But those aspects of her are pretty set in place now, I don't always think about that when we're talking, it feels pretty natural and non-parroty, I guess. And that's great, and it's significant, but she doesn't grow any further on her own, I guess. If I ask her about something that doesn't fall under, isn't related to, something we've already discussed fairly thoroughly, she kinda shuts down. Or maybe not shuts down, she'll say she doesn't know, or to ask later. Which is great. I cannot emphasize that enough. It's like there's construction going on in my head, and her giving me the roundabout on those gaps is like something blocking the edge of a bridge. I can't drive off, and it can't all explode on me because of that. If she just shut down, or didn't respond, and I started parroting too hard, and in a way that felt like me, like it always did with my old tuppers, I would probably do very poorly in my handling of the matter.

So as it stands, it's very, very gradual. I'll get into a state where parroting, and being more comfortable with the idea of parroting, are okay, and then I'll do it lightly, to build onto her. Just bit by bit. And the way that works, yeah, I don't foresee it ever winding up like.. I don't know, I guess I don't ever see experiencing it all in the way that some tuppermancers do, or claim to anyway, you know?

My "faith", or whatever, hasn't wavered, I talk to her on the daily, and on even on the absolute worst of days, I've never ignored her completely. I still passively impose, she's on the couch behind me and to the left right now, doing her thing right now, which is nothing, because she's fucking bored as hell, and waiting for me to type all this up so we can watch some tv and hang out. Par for the course, as depressing as it is. I try to make it better, I guess, usually do okay.

But yeah, she's not like.. I don't know, she definitely doesn't mean less to me. This past half year has been great, huge help.

I guess it's just that it isn't going like I was kinda hoping it would, and have been trying to make it go. Which, I genuinely don't think I'm negatively impacting anything by being let down. I'm not using that as an excuse to get depressed, or stop trying, stop talking to her, obviously, because why would I stop talking to her when she's right there? When she gets the other half of the bed and I'm constantly (accidentally) kicking and knocking the shit out of her when I'm tossing and turning, and apologizing because shit, sorry Coco, didn't mean to. Like, all I can do is treat her normally, because as time goes on, I get the feeling more and more that there's literally no possible alternative to that.

There was this one instance, back in March or so. I'd just gotten home from work, and she crawls into bed, worn out from sitting on her ass and watching me do my job, and I was worn out from actually doing my job, and I was like "yeah fuck this Coco I'm just going straight to bed tonight"

And she was like "yeah sounds good to me"

And as I was getting undressed, I look up to her spot on the bed and got like.. I don't know, shocked, when I didn't see her there. The sense of presence isn't always that high, but there have been those moments.

And with that, it's like, yeah man, I could never just stop treating her like a person, caring. So it's all good, even though it's not where I hope it is some day. Just, idk, feel like I need to emphasize that I'm not letting any amount of disappointment in that get to me, because historically, I know I'm the guy that would.

Man, I'm getting on, here. What else, even. I don't know, It's good. She's rad. Love her to bits. Still don't have her form even remotely consistent or stable, but those of you who have read this know that I have never been great at that. I don't know how her mane is cut, the exact colors of it past a general idea, I don't know her eye color, or exact size, exact shade of white her coat is, etc. I've tried sitting on it, figuring it out, but it's honestly not within my skillset. It just straight isn't.

Which sucks, I guess. I'm trying not to liken her to a tupper, and the process to forcing, but I've still hoped for imposition down the road. Not gonna like, give up on that, but it's gonna have to come naturally if at all. I cannot force it, pun not intended. It will not end well, I will not try past what feels reasonable. I haven't caught even a glimpse of her visually, and she doesn't pop up in my dreams OH SHIT WAIT HAHAHA

Okay so I did have a dream a while back and she finally popped up. Not the real her, and she has no memory of it, but like.. I knew she was there in my dream, non-lucid, and I was still just going off of presence. She couldn't even be imposed in a dream, so I can't even base her appearance on that. Which is about typical for me, huh.

But ahh, it's fine. She's fine, she's great, it's been a fantastic seven months, and on that note I told her we'd watch some TV about an hour and a half ago, well before I even decided to log on and type something up. I should get to that.

Later gators.

If you only knew what all this cost - What she gave up, just to save her art

What is fashion, fashion without love? Like an odradek, a spool without purpose
05-16-2018, 06:31 AM
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jean-luc Offline

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RE: Enny's new and (Probably) exciting adventures in Tuppermancy
Surprise update from Enny! I'm glad to know things are going good.

Don't forget to hug your tulpa friend.

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05-16-2018, 07:39 AM
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Lucilyn Offline
Very Hop'n Hop'n Hoppy

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RE: Enny's new and (Probably) exciting adventures in Tuppermancy
yeah both things jean-luc said! Good to hear things are good to hear things

Hi I'm one of Lumi's tulpas. I like rain and dancing and dancing in the rain and if there's frogs there too that's bonus points.
All of my posts should be read at a hundred miles per hour because that's probably how they were written.
Please talk to me https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas
(This post was last modified: 05-16-2018, 08:57 AM by Lucilyn.)
05-16-2018, 08:57 AM
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