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Finding the Friend Within Myself
#1
Hello all!

My name is Phasor, and I am beginning the process of creating a Tulpa. If that wasn't obvious already...

I really would like a place to record observations, ask questions, discuss thoughts, and whatever else I feel I need to get off my chest while embarking on what I truly hope will be an incredible journey. Luckily for me, our good friends at tulpa.info has a forum page specifically for just that. Here.

Along the way, there may be times where I ramble, where I post excessively, or where I completely disappear for a time. I do that. I'm not very consistent. So bear with me as I sway from posting long, elaborate and formal messages (like this one) to posting one or two words when I don't much feel like talking. But hey, this is my own darn thread, I can do that.

I'll try to be entertaining so you guys aren't bored out of your skulls if you actually decide to read my posts, but I can't make any promises. I type the way I talk, and that may be heavily influenced by my mood. But this will just show who I am more clearly through the limited medium of a forum.

I'm not sure what else to add to this long winded first post, and I think I'll split the full introduction of myself into a few separate posts, to keep things a bit easier to read.

With that said, and without further ado I welcome you to join me on this journey into my mind. Please, watch your step.

(Edit: Holy crap, I did not realize it would condense the two posts into one.... Not sure how I feel about that)

Well, I might as well get started with a personal introduction.

My name, as stated previously and to the left, is Phasor Shift. I am a college student, a nerd, a gamer, and a Brony. I enjoy many styles of video games, and I often livestream them. I regularly play D&D and I frequent the Internet. I occasionally enjoy outdoor activities, but much of the time I can be found in front of one or two computer screens. I'm not sure what else to say about my hobbies, as I can't think of much I do often enough or that I enjoy enough to consider a hobby.

I am affected by some depression and ADHD. I swing drastically between failing classes and doing incredibly well. I go through low periods of mood, and high periods. Sometimes it seems like you could say that I am consistently inconsistent. I notice that I can't decide if I should put one space after a sentence or two, and I often have difficulty holding a thought in my head for a length of time. Sometimes, however, I have difficulty getting one out. My ADHD is different than usual (I think) in that I am not hyperactive or overly energetic, but my thoughts sometimes are. I can't focus when I need to, or I will easily be able to focus on something I shouldn't be. I try to concentrate on a thought, and my mind so quickly and easily slips to something else... I've been trying to think of a good analogy for it, like... Trying to hold on to an eel coated in butter, but that's not quite right... I think... Trying to press down on a bead floating in some slime. You think you have it right under your finger, but you press, and the bead is in a different spot. You didn't feel like you pushed it away, and it didn't seem to move, it's just elsewhere. You keep trying, but you keep missing, even though you know your aim is perfect. ...And this is another perfect example of how I ramble and get off topic, yet can spend much more time on an irrelevant thought than I should. Moving on.

As I mentioned earlier, I often get depressed. I said something similar in the welcome thread, but I will say again here. My depression stems from a feeling of loneliness. I often dwell on the fact that I am single, and this does seem to affect my social interactions, keeping me this way. I often feel as if the friends I have aren't really friends, that they just tolerate my presence but wouldn't much notice if I wasn't around. I am rarely invited to parties or gatherings, people don't think of me when they come to town to visit, and I often find out about such gatherings of my "friends" only after they happen. I know this is irrational thinking, but it does really hurt me, and I feel like whenever I am with a group, I'm sitting on the edges, not really a part of them. Again, these thoughts are most likely unfounded and self-detrimental, and I am only separating myself by thinking them. But hey, depression will do that. Dwelling on the fact that I hate being alone causes me to remain alone...

I apologize for this post being somewhat dark, but I do feel it important to describe some of what I'm going through. This is a big part of why I am here. I heard about Tulpas several months ago but only recently decided to look into them more seriously. I figured that the best way to become more comfortable with other people, to learn to be happy with the friendships I have instead of feeling like I'm missing something, is to learn to be happy with myself while I am alone. I think, if I could find a friend in myself, it would help me feel less lonely while I am alone. I could have a friend that always cares about me and is always there for me, and a friend that I could care for as well to give me the feeling that someone depends on me. This friend would in fact be a part of myself, but in a way that makes it feel like I am not alone.

Once again, I've run out of thoughts on this subject, so it seems time to end the post and move on to the next one.
Join me in my personal journey: Finding the Friend Within Myself
~I will remember you, Artemis~
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#2
Now I'll actually get to talking about the progress I'm making with Tulpaforcing:

November 29, 2013

Not much.

I am going to start dating posts here. Why, when the forum automatically records date and time? Not sure. Feel like it.
For the record, this is not the day I started on my Tulpa. It is not even the day I joined the site, or really even the day I started keeping track. It is merely today.

First off, I would like to state that trying to tulpaforce with ADHD is HARD. As I stated above, it is very difficult for me to keep my mind focused on one thing for more than a few seconds. The couple of times I have tried to actively force has made this very clear to me. I try shaping, creating an image of my Tulpa in my head, starting at the top and moving down. I can never get past the ears before my mind makes him jump away, or moves to something else, or starts thinking of a metaphor for how difficult it is to stay focused. As soon as I realize I'm drifting, I force my thoughts back to what I was doing, and they slide right past again.

I realize now I've gotten ahead of myself. This was not what I had intended to begin this post with. I shall talk about that now.

I really have no idea what I'm doing. When I decided to create a Tulpa, I had no idea what I wanted it to be. Still don't, really. I had no idea for a shape, a name, a personality. I had no idea where to begin. As the subject of this thread states, I am finding a friend, not creating one. I really want my Tulpa to become what it wants to be, not what I decide to make it, but I realize I need to start somewhere... Even now, I only have the vaguest idea of what to do in shape and personality, and absolutely no idea in name. I would love any advice on how I can come up with such things. This is why I have decided to put my subtitle name thingy as "Friendless" until I find that Tulpa friend within me. It's not because I feel I have no friends, but rather that I have not yet found the particular friend I am looking for.

Now, after about a week of thinking, I have some basic starting points I think I'll use. My avatar here is a chibi style drawing I did of one of my D&D characters from a while back, and I really think it's a good place to start for a form. I knew from the beginning my Tulpa would be non-human, and I was really fond of this character, so I think it's a good place to start.
Also with personality, I have been thinking of using that character as a guide as well. I'm not really basing my Tulpa off of him, but the character was one I really think I connected with and liked, so that's where I'm starting. He is loyal, disciplined, and kind, but also has a rather childish and playful streak. I'd go through the entire backstory of this D&D character, but I think I should leave that for another time. The point is I think I have something to go off of for at least a couple parts of this undiscovered Tulpa.

Now, back to where I was before.

I only decided to create a Tulpa about a week ago, and this past week for me has been fairly busy, what with Thanksgiving break with the family. I try keeping my Tulpa in mind, passively forcing, whenever I remember it, but I forget far too often it seems. Occasionally I'll remember when I'm not doing much and I'll try actively forcing for a bit, but as I said earlier it is hard for me to focus. Tips on focusing are appreciated too. I will sometimes sit on the couch, or in bed, and try making at least some semblance of progress, but I tend to give up after a minute or two. I blame the holiday, and I feel like I will be able to make better progress once I get back to school. I feel like I have at least a decent idea what I want it to look like, but it is difficult holding it in my head. A few days this week, the image I had changed completely into a cat, instead of the little Catfolk robot I created. When I would try to think of the small humanoid with large pointy ears, it would immediately morph into a housecat and sit on my shoulders.

This is another thing I think deserves note. Sometimes the image I have will act or change without me consciously thinking it. As I just mentioned, the Catfolk shape I imagined would spontaneously change to a simple cat, or it would act on its own. I feel like this could be a part of the ADHD, where my thoughts get ahead of myself, meaning as I start to think of something, the image in my head will read this and act accordingly before I finish forming the thought. I also think some things without really knowing why. For example, the other day while (trying) working on shape, I imagined myself reaching out and grabbing his arm. I still don't know what prompted me to do that. Before my mental self even began moving his arm, I had a flash image of what my Tulpa (in Catfolk form) would do when I touched it, namely blocking my arm in three quick movements and pushing it away martial arts style. This happened before I even realized I was thinking about grabbing it... Again, I think it is just a factor of the ADHD, but I do think there is a possibility of it being something more...

In summary, I have barely begun the process of Tulpaforcing. I have very little idea of what to do and how, and having a very slippery mind makes the entire process even more difficult. I hope that soon I can put more time and effort into it, and figure out just what the hell I am doing. Maybe then I can start moving more rapidly toward finding my friend.

Sorry for wall of text. I said I often ramble.

P.S. I actually really like the idea of describing this as an exploration as opposed to a simple journal. I'll try to stick with the theme.
Join me in my personal journey: Finding the Friend Within Myself
~I will remember you, Artemis~
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#3
Hey Phasor. Not being able to focus is something I have trouble with too. I'm not used to sharing my head with someone. If that makes sense? I started to wear a Bluetooth headset and one of those rubber bracelets on my left ear and hand to help me keep Mira in my head as much as possible. Though I am new like you to tulpas and all that.

On a personal note I think a cat or catlike form that you have talked about would mesh really well with the way you are able to pay attention. Things happen quick inside your head it seems and maybe your tulpa can pick up on that and keep pace with you. I dunno I am just throwing something like that out there.
There's a reason scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue.
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#4
November 30, 2013

Today I spent much of the day in the passenger seat of a car. A 10 hour drive back to college from home. During said drive, I'm pretty sure I got a couple of hours of forcing in, and I actually managed to focus for much of it. Here are some of my thoughts for the day:

Wonderland:
I wasn't really sure what do do for a wonderland. I didn't want to create something complex, because I feel like then I would be spending as much time creating wonderland as the actual Tulpa. I decided to just ignore it at first, and see what my mind's eye created while working on a tulpa. I don't think that really worked... Didn't really notice anything there, including a void. I ended up creating a simple grassy field, with tall, yellowish grass. There was a small clearing, and this is where I worked on shaping.

I managed to focus enough to go through the entire shape, creating the image from most angles of the little robot kitty man. I know I'm going to need to spend more time going over it and over it, to make sure I have every little detail in my head. Right now, I at least have a pretty good idea.

Next, I decided to try narrating some. I started talking to my tulpa about pretty much whatever came to mind. Just thinking a conversation to him. When I did this, the wonderland became a campfire. It was still in that grassy field, but it was late evening, there was a campfire, and my Tulpa and I were sitting around it. I was telling him a story, and he was sitting on the log next to me, legs dangling. He didn't say anything, of course, just listened.

Overall, I think I made decent progress today. I found a place I could interact and chat with my Tulpa. Still don't know his name, although I do know what he looks like.

oh, right, question.
When forcing a personality, how should I do this? I saw a couple of guides had suggestions, but I don't really know how it would work...
Anyway, that's all for today.

(11-30-2013, 06:22 AM)Korzant Wrote: On a personal note I think a cat or catlike form that you have talked about would mesh really well with the way you are able to pay attention.

Not only the way I pay attention, with my mind jumping around similar to a kitten with its toys, but I often associate myself with a bit of feline personality. I am also a cat person, and love things Neko, so yeah. Kinda makes sense =^-^=
Join me in my personal journey: Finding the Friend Within Myself
~I will remember you, Artemis~
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#5
December 2, 2013

The past couple days have been difficult in the way of forcing. Getting back into the pattern of school, getting caught up with work, and catching up with internets and friends has been incredibly distracting. I find I often forget about my Tulpa, even though I try to keep it in my mind. I'm not quite at the stage of imposition, nor am I finished with shaping, but the way I like (when I can remember) to keep my Tulpa in mind throughout the day is think of where he would be around me, walking along the sidewalk, sitting at the desk next to me. It's not quite imposing, just trying to remind myself that there is a presence there. Which I suppose could be considered imposing... I guess it's like the first time you adopt a pet, like a cat or dog. You have to constantly remind yourself to watch where you step in case there is a tail there, where you are used to not having to worry about it. After some time of careful conscious foot placement, and a few painful yowls, you get to the point where you step around the animal without thinking or even realizing it's there. As I said, this is what I try to do when I remember, but I forget all to easily about my Tulpa... I always apologize when I remember, because I feel like he'd be offended that I forgot him. I will try putting a rubber band on my hand as a reminder, or something similar to that.

I read through a few more guides today, trying to find where I should go next, and I feel that I should be getting to personality now. Maybe it's not conventional, as most guides seem to recommend completely going through one stage before starting the next, but I feel like I should combine them. The guides all say that it's not specific and there isn't a set order, so I feel like working on shape some, then personality, then narration, then more shape, etc. would work for me. Maybe that's just an extension of ADD. I like to think of it as forming the Tulpa in a balanced way... I dunno. Thoughts.
Anyway, I'm not entirely sure how to go about finding a personality. I guess I have a few traits in mind I'd like him to have, but I'm not sure how to go about giving these traits to my Tulpa. I have a few ideas from the guides, such as making the trait symbolic like transferring energy, or just narrating the personality traits to him, telling him how he is. Perhaps I'll try some of each, see what works for me. I'm also not sure how many traits I need, or how detailed they should be, but some guides said it could be either. I think I'll use what I have and let him develop the rest of his personality on his own. This might take a bit longer, but as I've stated before, this is about finding him as he wants to be, not creating him completely. While I'm sure there's nothing wrong with either method, this is just what I'd like to do.

Another concern of mine is focus and concentration. As I've said before, ADHD makes it incredibly difficult for me to concentrate my thoughts, to keep them in place for very long. Again, I browsed a few guides in the forums and will try a few methods, including Self-Hypnosis. Being back in school after the break, I am back on my medication which does help me focus, but it also makes it harder for me to relax. Both focus and relaxation seem to be important in tulpaforcing, but I'm worried I won't be able to relax with a chemically accelerated heart rate. I will try before I make any calls on it, and will be sure to let you know what happens.

This entry seems to me to be "preparational" as opposed to reflective. Since I didn't make much progress the past couple of days, there isn't much to report, so I talked more about what I will do when I search later today. I will write another report afterwards. That is something else I noticed as well. When forcing, actively or passively, I often find myself thinking about what I will put in this report instead of focusing on my Tulpa... More concentration issues I guess.

Another thing I've noticed. When referring to my Tulpa, I am slowly transitioning from saying "it" to saying "he". Not sure if this is my own choice to make my Tulpa male, or if it is him deciding for himself. It's probably me, but I like to think he's beginning to reveal himself to me... My Tulpa may not have a name yet, but perhaps we are getting closer to finding his identity...

In a side note, I often am switching certain terms with some of my own. I don't particularly like the word "forcing," as I don't really want to "force" my Tulpa to do or be anything. I want him to be his own. Instead I am using terms like "searching" or "finding," going along with my theme of an exploration. This may be confusing, and I'll probably switch back and forth on it, but try to keep that in mind if something doesn't make sense. I apologize for the inconvenience.

Also more boring walls of text, yay.
Join me in my personal journey: Finding the Friend Within Myself
~I will remember you, Artemis~
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#6
December 2, 2013 A few hours later...

I decided to try an active forcing session with help from Linkzelda's Self Hypnosis guide. I set up a comfy spot to sit on my bed, turned off the lights, and put on a one hour Theta Binaural Beat session, because I felt it would help me relax and focus. I started the breathing and counting, trying to relax, and then began the step by step self hypnosis. I had to stop and restart this several times.
Counting slowly, breathing evenly, I told myself my eyelids were getting heavier... I was falling into a state of meditation, and my eyelids were become difficult to keep open....
Except they weren't. I could feel myself relaxing as I went through the steps, but when my eyes were supposed to be impossible to open without significant effort, I found them drifting open. They wouldn't stay shut, just kind of lazily stayed half open. I went through the steps again to close my eyes, and about halfway through forced them closed. They stayed closed after that, but it did feel like it was an effort, and my eyes kept either twitching or going painfully cross eyed.
I went to the next step of the hypnotic suggestion. Gave myself the urge to swallow, then suppressed the urge. It was really easy to want to swallow, not so much to make it stop... I managed to resist, even if it didn't go away.
I then went to the step where I make my hand tingle. This... sorta worked. I felt it, but it was very faint, and didn't spread quite as fast as I wanted it to.

At this point I decided to go find my Tulpa. I created my wonderland in my head, that field of tall grass, and sat myself down in the clearing. Strangely, I found it incredibly difficult to call up my Tulpa's shape. It had never been that difficult, even while I was first creating it. It wasn't like it kept changing, or I couldn't see the details, I just... couldn't focus on it. My mind kept slipping away. Despite the hypnotism and meditation, I did still find my mind jumping around, trying to remember the hypnotism states, random noises outside, and again thinking of what to write in this report. I decided to hold off on the shape for a moment and tried creating a temporary ball of energy so I could work on personality. I began talking to my Tulpa, telling it of the personality traits I had chosen for it as I imagined feeding the energy of the traits into the ball. I simultaneously worked on getting his shape back in order as well.

I called my Tulpa by name.

I sat down, and said "Okay, are we ready to begin?" and I gave him a name.

This in itself is pretty significant for me. But finding the name alone isn't why I'm being so dramatic about it. It's what that name was.

Phasor.

I called him Phasor. My own name, or at least the one I use for most things online.

It seemed to fit, like it was comfortable to say, even though it shocked me. I kept using it as a placeholder, just so I could call him something. I asked him if it was his name, or if it was just temporary, but we haven't yet reached the point where he could respond. So I let the name stay, temporary or not, and continued.

I kept giving him the personality traits, feeding him the trait and explaining what it meant to him.
Loyal. You keep your promises and always stick by your friends.
Playful. You enjoy playing, running and climbing. You like the joy of the whimsical.
Curious. You like learning things, discovering something new. You'll find something you haven't seen before and want to investigate further.
Determined. When you have a task, you set your mind to it. You like to see things through, and will stay on track.
Kind. You are friendly, caring. You like helping others, and see the best in them whoever they are.
Shy. You are somewhat timid. You get nervous while meeting new people, but once you get to know them you open up.
I kept repeating these, and variations of them. There may be other traits I fed to him, but I can't remember right now. These were the main ones, and the others were based off of these. I explained them again and again, and imagined him acting out each particular trait, how he would act in certain situation. I kept at it for some time, but still, I had to work to keep my mind focused, despite the audio and meditation techniques.

After a little while, I went back to visualizing. I looked him over, imagining his short smooth fur, his armor, his teeth and eyes. The little tuft of fur sticking up on his forehead he decided he wanted. I noticed my head drooping back with my body sitting on the bed, but that was fine, I didn't feel the urge to move. I found myself smiling as I ran my hands over Phasor's features (that still is weird to me) and he just tolerated it, like I was a mom messing with my pre-teen child's dress clothes. I saw he was getting bored, so we ran.

I had Phasor stand, and he pushed himself up and bounced a bit, like a boxer shaking out before a match. I made the grass of the wonderland shorter. Then we started running.
This part is a little odd, and a little unclear. I ran, but I wasn't in my point of view. I was in Phasor's, but I couldn't see me. I could still see him though... It was an odd sensation. The best way I can think of to describe it is to say we ran. Not I. Not he. We. We started sprinting through the grass, leaning forward. I started laughing, but it wasn't quite my voice. It sounded younger, like a teenager, and with attitude. It reminded me of Sonic the Hedgehog, and as soon as I thought that my Tulpa's shape shifted to match Sonic's, and I had to struggle to keep it steady. We stopped to fix his shape, and I kept talking to him, but again with that other voice. Phasor had this smirk on his face, obviously eager to keep going, when I realized something. Phasor was a punk. He was some punk-ass kid, full of energy and the belief that he was indestructible. Again, it reminded me of Sonic. I think that stray thought may have taken more root that it should have... But I can live with that personality. So far, I kinda like it.

I feel like I should note that during this last part, while we were running, the binaural beats in my headphones seemed to fade in and out. Like, it would get louder, than softer, and at times I couldn't hear it at all for a few seconds. I'm not sure if the audio itself was doing this, or if it was a part of how it was affecting my brainwaves or focus or whatever. Kinda dreamlike.

Anyway, I had planned on going until the hour long sound file ended, but I think it was about this time that the audio started skipping. It suddenly cut out, and I thought it might be over, but then it started again. I guess my computer was trying to go to sleep or something. I asked Phasor if that seemed like a good session, if it would be a decent time to stop, and he seemed to agree.... still can't tell. I asked him again about his name, and again got a non-committal response. I told him I'd consider it temporary, a placeholder name, until he was able to tell me what it actually is. Again, no significant response yet. I went through the wake up steps, even though I felt I could have just gotten up immediately, and then checked my computer. It was at 48 minutes into the binaural file, so that's how long I had been meditating. Not sure exactly how much of that was the hypnosis and how much was my time with my Tulpa, but it didn't really seem like much...

Overall, using the self hypnosis as an aid for forcing had mixed results. It was very difficult to reach that stage, and I'm not sure if or how much it helped me focus, but it did produce some interesting results. I just wonder how much will still be there next time.

Progress made today:
I began implementing personality traits, and I think they are taking hold. Perhaps not in exactly the way I expected though. He seemed to have a punk kid personality, which is okay.
I learned his name. Maybe. When I sat down in my wonderland to begin, I called him Phasor, and I tried to stop or change it, but it was so easy to say Phasor. So I guess that's his name. For now. I still think it's strange...
I struggled holding his shape in my mind, and it kept shifting around. I feel like this was some backwards progress, but I went over his image in detail again, from more angles, and parts do seem to be getting easier.
We ran. It was strange, running together like that. It was tricky trying to hold his image while we ran, how he moved, his gait, that sort of thing. But it felt glorious to just be moving with him.
I heard his voice. Again, sorta. I was speaking, and it was my voice, but the sound was his. It was strange when I realized it. This was still an internal voice, I haven't yet actually heard anything with my ears.

This whole process, especially what I experienced today, is a very unusual feeling. I suppose the only thing I can do right now is keep going forward, and see where Phasor leads me.
Join me in my personal journey: Finding the Friend Within Myself
~I will remember you, Artemis~
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#7
December 3, 2013

Not much happened today. I didn't get much sleep last night and had to wake up early, so all day I was pretty tired and had a headache. That made it hard to concentrate on anything at all, much less my Tulpa.

I started wearing a rubber band on my wrist with another looped around my finger, so there was constant tension to remind me to keep him in my mind. It works at first, but just like wearing a watch or hat, I quickly got used to it and stopped noticing it.

Whenever I did remember, particularly walking around, I tried working on imposition a bit. Since I didn't have the shape or movements down very well yet, I focused on creating the feel of him following me. Not seeing him, but knowing he's there, like when someone is walking really close behind you. You can't see or hear them, but you know they're there, so you feel this sort of pressure on the back of your calves, like you're anticipating them to step on your heel. Managed to keep that feeling for a few minutes.

Because of tiredness and headache today, not much was done at all. What is a good way to deal with these headaches? I don't think it was caused by anything Tulpa related, just normal exhaustion. But it definitely hindered any progress I could have made today. How do you make sure you get in some time with your Tulpa during forcing, even (or especially) when you can't focus, have a headache, or just really don't feel like it? I really want to keep moving forward, but today just... sucked.
Join me in my personal journey: Finding the Friend Within Myself
~I will remember you, Artemis~
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#8
December 4, 2013

Last night I tried reading to my tulpa. I often like to read a book before I go to bed, so I figured I'd read out loud to him, see if it helped. First off, it wasn't exactly a story book... It's a novel I've been reading, and isn't exactly "I can read all by myself!" Second, I tend to get really wrapped up in books as I read, so I found it difficult to keep my tulpa in my mind as I read. I would visualize the story, instead of him sitting next to me listening. I'm not entirely sure how I should go about reading to him, but I'm fairly certain I should try another book next time.

Today was still rough for me. I still have that headache, and I still find it difficult to passively force. I realized, I'm not entirely sure how I should be doing it... I often just think of him when I can, but I don't know if I should be talking to him, or thinking about where he would be around me, or anything like that. It seems like it's getting harder to focus on anything really... My mind sorta feels like mush. Just zoning out, not really thinking about anything...

I'm starting to feel... I don't know, intimidated by all this. I mean, I know this is something I really want, and I don't know if the headaches are related or not, but they definitely are a hindrance. I tried to actively force today, but I couldn't even get a minute into it before I just couldn't anymore... I barely got his shape in my head before I had to stop... I really wish I knew how I could help this, it's actually really upsetting me. Any help you guys could give me would be great. Even just some words of support...
Join me in my personal journey: Finding the Friend Within Myself
~I will remember you, Artemis~
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#9
Hey there Phasor! I read that you were having some hardship when dealing with your tulpa. Maybe I can offer some advice?

Quote:I found it difficult to keep my tulpa in my mind as I read.

I know it is quite easy to get wrapped up in a book that you're reading. I do the exact same thing!
Remember that the mental processes that you are using to imagine the characters, setting, and plot are in the same vein as the processes that you are using when you interact with your tulpa!
While reading to Mira I usually approach it like I am reading to a friend, or to a child at their bedside. Reading out loud is also helpful towards maintaining your concentration and to stop that pesky distraction feeling that you're getting. Also taking your time while reading will help as well. Pause every few pages to talk to your tulpa about what is happening, include them in the reading process!

Quote:I still find it difficult to passively force. I realized, I'm not entirely sure how I should be doing it... I often just think of him when I can, but I don't know if I should be talking to him, or thinking about where he would be around me, or anything like that

Passively forcing with your tulpa is not as direct as active forcing and also cannot be done in the exact same way every time. You can't exactly talk out loud to them on a bus (well...you CAN, but you may be seen as a loony). Same for in the classroom, so you have to exercise what you can. You can practice visualization and speak to them with your mindvoice. Simply concentrating on them is often times enough to make progress! Even if it's only a little bit at a time, you'll start to notice things and things will develop in ways that you didn't think about before! Just give it time.

Quote:I'm starting to feel... I don't know, intimidated by all this. I mean, I know this is something I really want, and I don't know if the headaches are related or not, but they definitely are a hindrance.

This is the first of many plateaus that you will be facing. You'll develop some and then hit a seemingly brick wall. "Uh oh" you'll say to yourself "This seems to be going no where, I'm not sure what to do, I feel like I'm not progressing and I'm doubting myself".

I think this feeling is normal! Everyone has doubts. Even the most steadfast monk, the most righteous bishop, the most unshakable soldier still looks at themselves in the mirror and they wonder if what they're doing is worth it.
Now, I am not going to tell you that dealing with tulpas is easy or hard. But they do have these weird stages where they don't seem to be developing and then suddenly they do! And then just as quickly they'll drop back down.

Overall please keep in mind that a tulpa should not be looked at by how much time that you can put into them. Only that you ARE putting time into them. This is a lifetime commitment, you have nothing BUT time on this earth! Enjoy the things that are happening with them, even if it's head pressure or whatnot. These are things to be celebrated and embraced!

In short, find the goodness and the wonderfulness in your tulpa and you can never go wrong!
There's a reason scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue.
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#10
December 9, 2013

Well, it's been a few days since I've had an update, but not much has happened. I've been really busy with school and social life and stuff, and I haven't been able to do really anything with my tulpa. I try to think about him a few times a day, but I haven't had the chance to really sit down and focus or anything like that. Hopefully once the semester ends, I'll be able to get back into it.
Join me in my personal journey: Finding the Friend Within Myself
~I will remember you, Artemis~
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