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First Tulpa Progress
tulpa001 Offline
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#21
 
RE: First Tulpa Progress

Well, good luck with your restart.

Don't worry too much about the details. Doubt and whatnot. Won't particularly affect the reality of what you are doing. Focus on habit forming, make forcing a daily activity.

Sounds like you have a median. Play nice, you two.

Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.
12-13-2016, 04:54 AM
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Mirath Offline
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#22
 
RE: First Tulpa Progress

Thanks, I am trying to get it more in a routine, even if it is only a few minutes or so at the same time every day or so.

Sudden realization haha
So, I got thinking this morning (wonderful thoughts over breakfast), and I ended up asking Mortimer if it was him whenever I had those moments of being a right toxic jackass (pushing people away by use of honing in on all the bad things they've done, instilling paranoia, and so on).
And before I even finish the sentence, all I hear is this almost-proud answer of 'yup'

Thing is, he's probably been around a lot longer than I think
12-13-2016, 07:55 AM
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Mirath Offline
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#23
 
RE: First Tulpa Progress

I personally feel like I made a lot more progress last night in terms of forcing and figuring things out between us.

From the wonderland I have already (some purple/blue-hued forest clearing that stretches as far as I can think), as I was talking to Mortimer it changed to the space that I always envision whenever I listen to music (only this time I was happily lying in silence), and it seemed a lot easier to visualize and interact since that change, even more so since the space was now empty of all 'inhabitants'.

Maybe that's how it's meant to be then. But I'm not complaining, not if it's in much sharper detail.

It's more or less this giant conference room with three plasma screens that nearly stretch from the ceiling to the floor as side-by-side installations, maybe about a foot or two as a gap. Above the middle screen, and a duplicate on the opposite wall above the two heavy mahogany double-doors, is what looks like the remnants of one of those ticker-tape systems that any input messages scroll across in red LED fashion. The floor appears to be some kind of dark-colored hard surface, but I can't be too sure what it is, really. Knowing my luck, dark concrete. I never imagined it as wood (doesn't sound like wood when walked on either), and it seems to be one seamless flooring. About two feet in front of the doors as you enter are the three long mahogany tables, linked together in a 'U' shape, with 13 static leather-backed armless black chairs set around the outside. As for the walls, it's paisley-patterned charcoal-gray wallpaper ending two-thirds of the way down at the start of the mahogany paneling.

Fancy stuff.

As I continued, I perched myself on the end of the right-hand table, whilst Mortimer sat cross-legged on the end of the left-hand table, lifting his head to acknowledge me briefly before going back to looking/concentrating on what he was doing on the open laptop on his right. Whatever he typed, came up on the scrolling system. Interesting form of communication, all I did was ask a few questions.

One of them, I asked how long he'd been around. The reply came back as simply '2006'. When in 2006, I'm not sure, but it makes sense as me being younger... wasn't the best in terms of anxiety and struggling to fit in. And an overactive imagination, but he is still a complete surprise to me to have turned up, so it was all fully unintentional aside from me vaguely/occasionally asking someone/thing to help me whenever I got overwhelmed. Guess I got my reply...
12-18-2016, 01:53 PM
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Mirath Offline
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#24
 
RE: First Tulpa Progress

Last night while trying to active force with Mortimer, who I'm trying to keep concentration on more, I accidentally lost focus. I returned as soon as I got back to it, only for him to be leant against the wall with his arms folded and to be greeted with a surly 'Took you long enough'

That extends a bit further with being sat watching the final of The Apprentice and suddenly hearing in mindvoice 'Listen to me, fucker'. I acknowledged him and apologized, then somehow we got into a short conversation about him seeming to have ambitions to go into something to do with business, to which he thanked me,
12-19-2016, 07:12 AM
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Mirath Offline
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#25
 
RE: First Tulpa Progress

Oh I feel like I messed up... I think I might have confused a walk-in for an unconsciously made tulpa.

We were talking for a bit, more I was bouncing ideas off him, more how he has memories that are closely tied to my own identity, and how he just seemed to appear out of nowhere. I think at first he was reluctant/hostile towards the tulpa idea due to both of us being focused more on my identity in that sense.

I wish I could just wipe this whole report, or even just start a new account for him...
01-02-2018, 07:09 PM
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Mirath Offline
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#26
 
RE: First Tulpa Progress

This is semi-related, more what I found out out myself and Gareth to some extent



Not exactly kin-related... well kind of because it involves my own identity in some sense.



It’s like... it makes sense that he’d be an unintentional tulpa, because I could never get behind the spiritual aspect of a walk-in? The fact that his form hasn’t changed ever since he turned up. And the fact that he’s so ‘close’ to me and those moments when I’ve felt like shit when he’s gone off somewhere...

Now, I say he’s my contractor and best friend. And I believe that to be true, from both what I feel from/about him and of course from the brief memories I have that involve him. And how he recalls and has his own opinions on LeFey and said Order. And how I always seem to associate him with said Order...
But, someone on a tulpa discord brought up an interesting thought - what if the world he was describing was a form of wonderland/mindscape? By that thought it would explain things, the memories he has, and wherever the hell he goes. But... then would he really have access to something like that could endanger everything due to its content?

Going off that thought, alongside that he turned up after the memories I’ve had and years after source finding, I wonder if some little piece of my mind latched on and sort of made the pieces fit together in a natural state? Not in a ‘you made shit up’ state, more of a ‘link here and here’ for my own memories to make sense, almost to give life behind their meaning?

So, by that thought... everything could just be experience of a replicated world...

(The next two paragraphs are in response to a question about whether said mindscape was formed before/during finding my source material and just ‘adapted’, or after I found the kin community and my source)

I remember way back when I was smaller (after source) that I felt like there was something else there (if you recall I ended up just referring to them as Mortimer, but was definitely something different from me). So it’s possible it was him since the personality of being a dick and incredibly protective of me was still there, heh...

So it’s entirely possible it was all adapted from there, but of course I didn’t know about tulpas/so on until years later, even after finding the Otherkin community. I think it’s sort of a grey area. I mean, yes something was there during that time, but I really only know him as Gareth this last year or so, including when I had faint memories of him.

I’ve been thinking about it the past couple of days, and trying to discuss it with said contractor, heh.

I think, because when I first broached the topic he was really defensive and almost aggressive about it and didn’t even want me looking at things like tulpa.info, but now he seems a bit more chilled about the idea. So it makes me think maybe it was some kind of existential crisis you hear about every so often.
01-04-2018, 07:19 AM
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Mirath Offline
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#27
 
RE: First Tulpa Progress

It was quiet at work, and near the end of the day, and I got wondered about both possession and an alternative form of communication to just mindvoice.

We had ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ assigned to my left hand.
‘Yes’ was to the index finger
‘No’ was to the middle-ring fingers.

That key was confirmed multiple times, even on the opposite hand, and when I wasn’t looking.

Even to creating another separate account here, the answer was Yes multiple times. I’m sure he got sick of me making sure out of paranoia...

Although the questions were asked in mindvoice, and answered by this method, I wonder if he’d answer questions by other people, but I imagine that’d require him sharing my hearing at least, heh...

I’m also working on feeling his presence around me, which is a bit difficult for keeping focus on.
01-04-2018, 06:11 PM
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