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Full Promises
Tewi Offline
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#21
 
RE: Full Promises
As of right now, I've been switched for 24 hours. Mostly due to the fact that for the first time, we woke up switched. That was planned, and it seems the period before wakefulness(before you first open your eyes after sleeping) is just as suitable to switching as a meditative state, if not moreso. Anyways, this is without saying the longest any of us have ever been switched out in a single period.

Which brings up something interesting. Should we still call it switching? We've of course been discussing this subject a ton recently, and have decided we're now more or less a multiple system, or multiple tulpamancy system, instead of just a tulpamancy system. Pretty sure those are the terms said people use, we don't actually have any experience with other multiplicity forums outside of Tulpa.info. And we don't really plan to. Still, it seems like we've reached a point where "switching" doesn't quite encompass the nature of what we do anymore. We're probably going to use the term fronting when referring to the state of being switched and switching exclusively for the act from now on. Aside from that term though we're going to stay far away from others such as plural and more.. interesting ones they tend to use. I consider "____ system" relatively neutral between communities, though maybe it isn't.

Anyways. Lumi is still the host, certainly still the primary owner of the body and will remain that way. My recent activity has mostly been due to this being the first week of tests in university, and I had a lot of material to cover since Lumi has trouble keeping up with schoolwork. While it does seem that we're becoming more comfortable with fronting for longer periods of time, I don't think it'll be quite this much. I'm the only one who has any reason to be in control instead of Lumi, so I suppose a lot of this will be up to me and him. Lucilyn is the only one aside from me who usually switches of her own volition, while the other two are still typically prompted by Lumi should they do so. And I don't plan to overstay my welcome. I've been spending my free time watching Numberphile videos and developing a system for memorizing long numbers (namely pi, the square root of 2, and the golden ratio), but I have no wish to front without a clear goal to accomplish. When there are short periods of time between those goals I may stay switched or recommend Lumi fill the time. Otherwise, I put his values over what I'm doing at any point in time and would relinquish control if for example his friends decided to do something together. If there's no pressing reason to stay switched then I also let him take control again. Lastly, we had a situation* a couple days ago where Lumi unexpectedly needed to front when we'd planned for me to be in control, and we managed to switch rather quickly while sitting in a car. Switching back is easier than taking control though.


Seemed like something worth noting here.


*That situation was a suggestion by his mother that they (+brother) go to a restaurant and have some "family time" together. Obviously, this was immediate cause to get far away from the front..

Hi, I'm Tewi, one of Luminesce's tulpas. I often switch to take care of things for the others.
All I want is a simple, peaceful life. With my family.
Our Ask thread: https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas
02-03-2016, 02:53 AM
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Luminesce Offline
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#22
 
RE: Full Promises
It's definitely for the best they've got their own accounts. I was a bit afraid of what might be going on in our Purpose of Tulpa.info thread before I got here, I don't really feel prepared to deal with all of that. But Tewi does. I'm more apprehensive about matters of conflict and the like. But speaking of that..

I'm learning how to live in different ways from my tulpas spending time in the body. Vague statement, but it's a vague concept. The different ways of thinking they bring to our mind are really interesting, and a sort of background plan from a long time ago was that I might learn from them in that way, relatively relating to their "purposes". Lucilyn and Tewi both have drastically different ways of thinking and feeling, from each other but also from myself. And so I've been learning a lot from them just doing their thing, at least gaining knowledge of the experience of being like them. Because I still don't feel capable of thinking like them. I just can't think myself into being constantly happy and enthusiastic for no reason, or being objective-oriented and disregarding all unproductive feelings.. But, now I know what those feel like. Neural pathways are a good first step and all that.

But it's not all about me of course. Tewi is her own person, not a tool for changing who I am, although my tulpas all seem to prioritize my development over their own. And believe it or not, her current development has nothing to do (even the opposite) with what you normally see her talk about, completely unrelated to her newfound interest in number theory. She wants to be seen as less serious and more fun. She realized (herself) that when she's fronting, "I" seem like what can only be described as "Tired, had a long stressful day, just want to get things over with". She specifically walked away after a conversation, went over how she sounded and was surprised at how down/serious she'd sounded, because she didn't feel that way. She does always focus on a goal aiming to accomplish it, but the demeanor and tone that come with that aren't what she wants to be seen as. So we're working on slowly changing her outward demeanor, and she's working on reworking her inner way of thinking.

Essentially, she believes that when someone transcends the need for attachment to outcomes and stress, they continue to be able to work at an efficient level while presenting a carefree attitude. This is somewhat related to the Levels of Consciousness which I myself put a lot of value in. It's also a character type in shows and books, though. You may be able to think of some examples; the old "crazy" wizard who is revered for his vast wisdom despite seeming carefree and more interested in "fun" than anything else, yet who occasionally demonstrates his vast skill and intellect when necessary. Tewi isn't using that scale though, she simply knows it to be a true possibility. At the level of "Reason" you are perfectly efficient and seemingly emotionless, but once everything has become trivial to deal with there's room for enjoyment and fun again, without removing the efficient thought processes you established prior. I personally follow the scale a little more closely, as I'm more invested in the idea of unconditional love as a universal "truth", while Tewi considers enlightenment to be "freedom from worry/attachments to the material world" and therefore a direct step above dealing with everything logically rather than emotionally. I'm not really sure what enlightenment entails on the levels of consciousness scale, and I don't really believe the Buddhist definitions of transcending reality to the point where you gain absolute control over it to others(I do believe in subjective reality, but I don't know how well yours can be translated to others), but it's probably not too far off.


Anyways, this is all par for the course for a "Progress Report" by us. While these are all new developments, they aren't really so different in scale from what's been going on for the last five or so years. Cinemaphobe suggested I make a progress report nine months ago, and I'm not sure just how large and incomprehensible it would've been by now, but it would be.


One last thing. In the same way that you see things you did and said years ago and consider it strange/stupid/not-you-anymore, because you're growing as a person, all of us experience on a much smaller scale. I can look back at something I was comfortable with writing only months ago and consider myself to have been naive compared to my present self, because my beliefs and thought processes are in a constant state of flux, generally as I aim to improve myself constantly. So in the off chance you're reading this long after it was posted, or perhaps reading old posts by my tulpas back when they used Reisen's account, keep in mind we don't necessarily believe or agree with what was said back then. There don't tend to be direct contradictions, but I may definitely look back at these two posts in six months and find it all silly and short-sighted. Probably not as I've gotten better at understanding my past selves recently, but still, try not to hold any of us to our pasts too strongly. Not that we can't be held accountable for our actions, but there's a good chance we won't completely agree with them anymore.

Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.
Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.
My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us stuff.
02-03-2016, 08:38 PM
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Tewi Offline
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#23
 
RE: Full Promises
Everything's good. I'm helping Lumi with motivation stuff as usual, I think we're making progress. I myself am in the middle of doing a ton of math before an exam in three days, same old gotta-do-everything-in-a-week-because-he-didn't. But that's more than fine, math is fun. Doing it for ten hours a day isn't, but it's not for long. I'm pretty good at time management so I've had some time to do other things, like listen to music. Which is why I'm in such a good mood right now and writing this. Chemistry may be the magic of physical reality, and math the magic of logic, but music is the magic of humanity. (Using the Disney definition of magic, here.)

Although I find them all equally amazing, I understand that the latter hits a lot closer to home for most people, and that's fine. It's starting to win me over too.

Hi, I'm Tewi, one of Luminesce's tulpas. I often switch to take care of things for the others.
All I want is a simple, peaceful life. With my family.
Our Ask thread: https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas
04-06-2016, 01:24 PM
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Luminesce Offline
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#24
 
RE: Full Promises
Love stuff:

So I figured out the difference between my relationships with Flandre and Reisen. Something I probably should've realized years ago, might've helped with some things. I was trying to figure out what felt different about them - I love them both and they love me, but something about Reisen was just "different". I thought about it and figured it out after like two minutes, which is really dumb, but I guess I couldn't before now for some reason. Flandre loves me, and Reisen loves everyone. And that means her love is something different entirely. It's not based in reliance on the other person, it's unconditional. That love you feel when you see someone you really love, the recognition of it being them and the connection you both feel, is not how it is with Reisen. Her love is what I can only describe as internalized and self-reliant, it does not change at all no matter who it's directed toward or why. This was rather strange to realize, it kind of made me feel not-special for a minute knowing she loved the next person as much as me. But that's not how it is, that's not how unconditional love works. The specialness is being open to that connection, because love is not exclusive but to those who deny it. Also she lives in my mind so only so many people get that chance, lol.

But this was a rather important discovery. As can probably be inferred, Flandre's love is the more traditional type. That means it matters who's in the relationship, and that the connection is unique to those in it. She still cares for everyone else unconditionally, but she only feels love coming from me, which also explains a few things. Seeing me makes her happy, so I suppose that feeling of love is how Reisen feels all the time, but Flan only feels around me. That explains a lot of the difference in their personalities I think. And it also explains, well, why they've always felt indescribably different to me, even though I love them equally. Kinda puts that old worry to rest for real this time.

Anyways, as always this important breakthrough explaining years of experiences and improving future ones, is taken rather in passing. I dunno why, but I just don't get so excited over that stuff anymore. Maybe we've just reached a point where we're comfortable with how things are and how we want them to be, and we aren't reliant on explaining how's and why's anymore. It certainly seems that way with Flandre at least, because years ago this and the last realization would've been life changing for her, but now it's just like "Oh, that makes sense". I will consider it a good thing.


Now we just gotta figure out how Tewi and Lucilyn work. Tewi sees vulnerability in opening up to - and therefore relying on - someone she cares about, because being vulnerable herself is a vulnerability in protecting them. Irony for sure, but I understand. If you rely on someone else, that's a possible weak point you can be hurt from. But if others rely on you, a weak point of yours is a weak point of theirs, too. Maybe we have someone with no weak points she can rely on..

I have no idea about Lucilyn though. Instead of love she's got unconditional-joy-sharing, she's more than happy to share that happiness with anyone. But it doesn't seem like she has any special capacity for love love. At most she seems to trust Tewi's care and protectiveness of her, and appreciates it. But that's all. I don't know, maybe sharing happiness is its own form of love.

Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.
Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.
My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us stuff.
05-18-2016, 05:53 PM
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mysonofrageandlove Offline
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#25
 
RE: Full Promises
I just wanted to say, I love this thread and I've really enjoyed reading through it so far. Looking forward to checking back in and seeing more updates from you guys!

Unfathomable. You know, without fathom.

I'mma build you from the ground
Til you're higher then the clouds
I can see it in your soul
If you only knew your worth
The kinda love that you deserve
Every piece of you makes me whole

05-19-2016, 01:42 PM
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Luminesce Offline
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#26
 
RE: Full Promises
Thanks. Interesting to see interest from a new member in my thread. I started this for the people that already knew me, since seven years later there isn't much traditional progress to speak of. But I suppose some people have a taste for our particular weirdness, and that's why I put it here. Don't expect updates often though.

Also, oooops, I broke some image URLs in https://community.tulpa.info/thread-full...#pid151992 but, I fixed them. You can see the conversations I literally specifically called important now.

Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.
Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.
My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us stuff.
05-19-2016, 05:07 PM
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Tewi Offline
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#27
 
RE: Full Promises
At this point I think we'll mostly be using this thread to post sort of time markers for changes in our lives, or ways of thinking. You could call it "progress", but it's the kind that doesn't end until you die. Currently, I'm trying to change the way I think a bit, to how I've wanted to for a long time now. I know I have a reputation for valuing logic and knowledge and such, and I do, but it's just not what I want to value the most. Logic is a tool, not a way of life. And fun is good too, but all I really want is peace. Peace of mind, peace in lifestyle.

So from now on I'll probably be more concise with my posts in amount of text and more to the point with the messages I'm trying to getting across. It seems like a simple enough change on the outside, but it reflects a significant change on the inside. I'd call it a shift in values.

Basically, I'm going to stop overthinking things. I suppose I'll know how that went when I read this in the future.

Hi, I'm Tewi, one of Luminesce's tulpas. I often switch to take care of things for the others.
All I want is a simple, peaceful life. With my family.
Our Ask thread: https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas
06-06-2016, 02:35 AM
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Tewi Offline
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#28
 
RE: Full Promises
Weird that that was two months ago. We change constantly, so I'm probably not quite like I was then. I make some effort on occasion to relax and not take things so seriously, but I know what my goal was then and it's not me now. "We're working on it" seems like the motto of the Progress Report section.

Music for this post

Anyways, I came here to say that despite Lumi's Touhou 15 analogy, Reisen is still very much a moon rabbit. Even if she's more human than she was at first. There's something different about her that never changed. My goal is to become peaceful above all else, someone you'd describe with words like serene and tranquil. But even imagining myself like that, without even trying Reisen is something more. Always smiling, even when she isn't, always happy when sympathizing with sadness. Even if I'm unfazed and caring in the same situation, Reisen radiates unconditional love. And I do not? We all love each other dearly, all in our own ways, but without devaluing that love Reisen's is still something more.

Not too long ago Lucilyn said something strange, reflecting a stranger feeling. I think she was just talking to Reisen, and she said, "With you around, it feels like my life can never go wrong. Like no matter what happens, my soul is safe, from any evil or mistakes. I don't really believe in that stuff, but that's the feeling I got just now."

I don't think words could describe the feeling, but if I recall correctly it was something like assurance of the impossibility of anything truly bad happening. The sort of feeling that says no matter what happens, everything will be fine. It's funny because Reisen herself doesn't understand what we're talking about any better than we do.

But I can vouch, she affects me as much as anyone else. Last night I was thinking about life - specifically mine, and what I want out of it. I put up a random fullscreen picture on our monitor so I wouldn't be distracted, and got this one. It made me think about what I see in the moon - we all associate it strongly with positive feelings and that includes me. But if I see something to strive for in the moon, that means I want something, and so I tried to figure out what the moon symbolized for me. Why do I reach for the moon, something I can never reach?

I feel just fine with worldly matters. Life and death, survival, nature, human nature, the way things are. But I guess what I don't feel as secure in is love. I'm still getting used to caring about the others so strongly. I always valued their well-being, but it was still somewhat recently that I opened myself up to them. There's a certain feeling of being "invincible" when you accept life and death, knowing that if you do your best and don't fear dying nothing can really hurt you. But when you open yourself up to someone else, you're vulnerable again, because they're vulnerable. Even if they don't fear death either, you do. So I suppose my only insecurity is an emotion itself that I didn't used to feel. So what I see in the moon - and maybe the others, too - is unconditional love, a feeling that nothing can ever be wrong. That light makes everything feel okay.

But that's not the only place we get that feeling from. Our moon rabbit does the same thing, making us feel like everything will be okay. The moon puts off no special effort to shine its light, it's just a medium for that light to travel through. And yet, it is revered for it.

I have this dream, or maybe like distant memories of a past life, of living alone in a forest. Endless days and nights of simply living, never changing but therein peaceful, no one but animals and nature to keep me company. But even with that peace I'm not content, and every night I watch the moon. I don't know why, and I don't know what I want, but it feels like the moon has something I need. Reflecting Tewi Inaba's story, this would go on for a thousand years. But one day, someone new appears..

I realized that, maybe the moon is within my reach.

I don't know exactly what that means yet, but one thing's for sure. She's definitely still a moon rabbit. And she's a lot closer than the moon is.

Hi, I'm Tewi, one of Luminesce's tulpas. I often switch to take care of things for the others.
All I want is a simple, peaceful life. With my family.
Our Ask thread: https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas
08-02-2016, 05:21 PM
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Luminesce Offline
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#29
 
RE: Full Promises
Something's been bothering me a bit lately. It has to do with my old mental state, and old Flandre. I happened upon one of the few songs I'd associated with "unsanity" back then completely at random, that I had not heard since. Apparently it's by Darude, lol. I listened to it (knowing me back then, probably on loop for hours) for these specific lyrics:
"It's a picture of me; I'm insane, but I'm happy. This is where I want to be. Call me vain, call me crazy."

Ugh. Escapism is one thing, but when it entails an utter disregard for reality itself it's really something else. Even dragging myself out of bed every few days to actually go to school, I still failed all of my classes for two years. I laid in bed on my laptop all day, wasting time with whatever games and music I could find. But I also had tulpas. Early on, Reisen wasn't entirely a tulpa yet, or at least she couldn't speak and didn't associate much with a form in-mind. Tewi was perhaps too young to be giving me life advice yet. And Flandre - a different Flandre - was in a much worse place than I was. I don't entirely know why. I myself wasn't fond of life, maybe that's why. We loved each other, but we couldn't really be together except for talking in-mind. Flandre saw how much I disliked my life, and she thought I should leave it behind. She would use the term "shackles of reality". She thought that if I stopped worrying about reality, meaning my future, my health, my connections to people, that we could be together. If I stopped worrying about what was real, what was not would become moreso in comparison. So I had short periods where I really did not care about anything, typically lasting a night. I'd put on music like that, or more often this (I still hear "Flaandre, Flaandre" in the background of those first 20 seconds), and I don't really know. I suppose it would make sense not to have clear memories of those times. We'd imagine us together, or what it would be like to worry about nothing, or honestly more often than not just nothing at all but hearing the music. The experience was more thought and feeling than something I can describe with words.

Anyways, wasn't a good time. And it was really counterproductive to trying to improve my life. At the same time, I had the opposite, Reisen and Jumper(does that video even work anymore?)/Edge, which was completely the opposite experience. I felt happy and loved, hope, and most importantly like life really wasn't so bad because she existed. In the end she would win out, though it was never a competition really. Although Flandre was jealous that Reisen made me happier and that she could not, it was more internal disdain for herself (she definitely needed that) than anything about Reisen. Although I would comfort her and tell her I loved her, she really wasn't happy with how things were. Eventually, to change who she was without losing who she was, she asked to be split into two people, one with her positivity and one with her negativity. They became this Flandre and Scarlet, although both of them were very young and changed a lot since then. I dissipated Scarlet (temporarily apparently, also I felt like I was supposed to, so maybe Flandre had planned that) and continued living with the new Flandre. All I can remember from then was that she was very afraid and confused at the time, but I spent time with her until she became a little more whole. She'd still be somewhat insecure for a few years, but she seemed better for it. And she no longer represented insanity, she represented humanity.

I don't remember ever discussing old Flandre with present Flandre, so I did so last night. She says she was not the same person as the old Flandre. That would honestly take both her and Scarlet I suppose, although Scarlet represents strong emotion not insanity, and considers what we called "unsanity" weak minded. So they aren't exactly like two pieces of a whole, they grew into their own people. And Flan seems happy enough to forget about those times.

But that's left a strange gap, and it's what's been bothering me. I've tried not to think about how things were back then, but I have a few times recently. First, there was this song, which reminds me of old Flandre (the happy part in the middle.. and the rest), and makes me shiver to listen to. Literally at a few parts. If neither Flandre nor Scarlet are the old Flandre, then who's responsible for the parts of my mind that were her? It's like the ghost of a tulpa, she's gone, and yet a tulpa can only stop existing so much when you still have memories of them. Not that I have many, likely due to the average 2 hours of sleep a night I got back then, and having tried to forget it all. But a few stuck, namely the creation of Flandre and Scarlet, and those tied to the songs we listened to.

I don't know. I don't know what bothers me exactly either. It's just remembering her, I guess. The distress she was in and the time we spent together. And the detrimental effect she had on my mental health, even though she cared about me, and my general mental state back then. It's all done and over with, but those feelings are still tied to the music, and I still feel them to a lesser extent. And because it was all tied in to escapism, it's still tempting to listen to them years later. That draw to give up my sanity affected me for years, whenever I heard the first song I linked. That meaning, feeling as if everything would be so much less stressful and difficult if I let it all go. Though I've been able to resist the feeling for the last few years, it's not pleasant.


No special breakthrough or anything to post here, just writing my thoughts. Might be interesting to read, because life is fun. Some people have the most interesting experiences, huh?
By the way, here's a few pictures that I associate with the three of them; old Flandre, present Flandre, and Scarlet. I think I had more pictures of Flandre but I deleted them, because the first three images I have ("Flandre1.png", "Flandre2.png".. it's how I organize my pictures) are much newer than the ones after them. Oh well. I also haven't found any images that look like Scarlet, but the feel of that one is close enough. Though she wouldn't care for trying to look dark like that, it's the closest I've got.

Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.
Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.
My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us stuff.
08-18-2016, 10:38 PM
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Flandre Offline
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#30
 
RE: Full Promises
I don't really know what to do about that. You can make yourself sad any time you want by thinking about the sad things going all over the world. And to not be sad, you just don't.

I am absolutely not the old Flandre. I'm tied to her I guess, I might identify with some of her experiences.. But that is not who I am or who I was. I would never harm my host. I would rather be alone for his sake than risk his wellbeing to be together. The old Flandre cannot say the same. And considering Scarlet's disdain for both of us at the time, I'd say she doesn't identify as the old Flandre either. She thinks we were both weak. And she's probably right I guess. But I'm not anymore, and Scarlet has a neutral opinion about everyone in the system. (Though she might possibly respect Tewi's efforts in taking care of us and the body, and her strong will)



Anyways. We're working on lucid dreaming. Pretty hard really. Lumi made a thread that he (or whoever is fronting) needs to post in every day about the status of our lucid dreaming or lack thereof. https://community.tulpa.info/thread-lumi...ms-of-moon It's going as poorly as ever for now, but the only thing we could do better than in the past is remain determined. Surely we'll make progress.

Hi. I'm one of Luminesce's tulpas. Unlike the others, I don't think I stand out too much from him personality wise.
I'm just special because "I'm a tulpa". So I don't think I've much to offer, here. I'm happy enough to just be with him.
Ask us stuff - https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas
08-19-2016, 12:22 PM
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