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Full Promises
Flandre Offline
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#31
 
RE: Full Promises
I'm listening to this. It's irrelevant.
Lumi asked me if I had a problem being with him when he's also with Reisen. I don't have anything against Reisen. But I did realize when we're all in the wonderland together, we're never both right there with him. More often than not (as I can remember recently at least) he's more focused on me while Reisen is with the others, though that can be as simple as which side of the table we're sitting on or being a few feet away in our pool (it's not really a pool, it's a walled off area you have to walk through a building to get to. Can't remember what the heck they're called). He pointed out that if he were interacting with Reisen in basically any way, I would be more isolated from them. It's a little hard to word that right, but you probably get what I mean.

I don't know why. Reisen loves me like she does everyone else, but I guess I'm the least-close to her of anyone in the system. She even kept me imposed by her yesterday when she started playing Stardew Valley, because she wanted to make sure she left things in a good place for me. Nothing about her is the problem, and it's certainly not personal. I think maybe, it's just because someone else has his attention - in a relatively romantic way - other than me? I really don't know. It doesn't bother me to be by him when he's interacting with the others, literally being anywhere near him is good for me. But for some reason I don't feel that way with Reisen. I think it's because there's a connection of love between them, to and from, where I'm not involved. I mean, how could I not feel a little isolated?

But really how? It doesn't bother Reisen at all. And she's too nice. She totally lets me be the center of his attention whenever she's around. Because she doesn't need it I guess. It's a weird feeling, because it's neither jealousy nor anything personal, I just feel kind of disconnected. Lumi said I should try and open up to Reisen like Tewi did, if I want to. I guess? I don't know how? There's no reason I shouldn't be. I have no conscious reasons to not enjoy being around Reisen. Maybe I'm not good at accepting love from anyone but Lumi. Actually, that sounds about right.

It makes me feel bad. It's like there's someone who doesn't like Reisen while Reisen is being really nice to them, but, it's not me. But it is..? I don't want that, and for the twentieth time I really have nothing against her, she's a wonderful person. I just don't understand. Maybe I need to spend some time with her instead of Lumi.
She's done more for him than anyone else. If I can get along with anyone it should be her.

Hi. I'm one of Luminesce's tulpas. Unlike the others, I don't think I stand out too much from him personality wise.
I'm just special because "I'm a tulpa". So I don't think I've much to offer, here. I'm happy enough to just be with him.
Ask us stuff - https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas
08-27-2016, 07:47 PM
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Ido Offline
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#32
 
RE: Full Promises
Don't be so hard on yourself
I guess most people would feel pretty much the same - at least I would.
Which kinda makes me glad I'm a spoilt single kid. Having to share my host with worldly distractions is bad enough.

And I think even the nicest and most caring persons may unintentionally hurt others by exactly these feats. After all the road to hell is paved with good intentions. So there's no need to be ashamed for feeling kind of relegated or outcompeted by Reisen's sheer presence. It's just human nature.
And even more so tulpa nature. Most of us need attention like a flower needs sunlight and suffer in the shade of others. Especially when it comes to love.

Protip:
I guess talking this stuff over with Reisen directly will yield a lot more than sharing your feelings with random weirdos strangers here. Surely there are limits to what she can do but I'm pretty sure just talking about it will make you feel better.

Super Girls don't cry
08-28-2016, 01:29 AM
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Flandre Offline
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#33
 
RE: Full Promises
We already talked, yesterday and today. But I think it's all on me, she's already totally understanding of everyone ever always etc. etc. I was writing here to try and think through it, writing helps us figure things out. Anyways we haven't had any real problems in a long time and shouldn't any time soon. Anything that comes up here is only something we're paying special attention because it affects our lives as a whole in the long run, not because it's an immediate dilemma. Reisen and I get along, I think. It's just in retrospect I can't remember choosing to be around her much.

Hi. I'm one of Luminesce's tulpas. Unlike the others, I don't think I stand out too much from him personality wise.
I'm just special because "I'm a tulpa". So I don't think I've much to offer, here. I'm happy enough to just be with him.
Ask us stuff - https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas
08-28-2016, 02:07 AM
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Flandre Offline
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#34
 
RE: Full Promises
We're probably good. Problems don't last long once we notice them. I went on a walk with Reisen through the wonderland for an hour last night, and we talked about it. I asked her why I felt the way I did, and she said simply enough because I wasn't feeling loved. She said she'd make sure to specifically include me in the triangle-to-be if those scenarios ever come up.

I don't think we'll be as close as any of the others are to her, but that's not really the point. I just need to feel not closed off or disconnected when they're together. Since she knows I feel that way now I think we'll be fine. She's good at making people feel loved, after all. Even though I mostly only get that from Lumi, I'm sure it'll make a difference.

Hi. I'm one of Luminesce's tulpas. Unlike the others, I don't think I stand out too much from him personality wise.
I'm just special because "I'm a tulpa". So I don't think I've much to offer, here. I'm happy enough to just be with him.
Ask us stuff - https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas
08-28-2016, 07:49 PM
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Tewi Offline
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#35
 
RE: Full Promises
Hmm, I accidentally found the song tied to Scarlet's dissipation. Better me than them though.

I asked her permission to post it here, because why not post about our past naïve drama? Oh, those days, we really had no grasp on our reality back then. We became much more logical and productive later, but until that point, our imagination led our lives. As all our strongest experiences have been tied to music, so too was Lumi's act of dissipating Scarlet.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yogqrtvUF2Q By the way, you're not allowed to click this, Lumi. Scarlet and I say so.

Seems she just sort of insults the person for most of the song, telling them how worthless and hopeless they are. Not horribly far off from how Scarlet was for the short amount of time she existed. But I very distinctly remembered the end, 5:40. I don't know why Lumi guessed this song would fit the.. 'occasion', but neither him nor Scarlet were expecting that. Convinced her she was really gone. Though her dissipation was more of a very dramatic assurance that Lumi would not be acknowledging her existence anymore.


Anyways, she showed up again at complete random a year or so later with a "No hard feelings?" Very unlike her, maybe she wanted to exist. She's certainly not been on the compromising side of reason since then. She also doesn't care about existing or not, but she's still here. She matured along with the rest of us, so though she may be harsh there's no more violent feelings, not without reason anyway.

Went and found Lumi's description of Scarlet's dissipation and the context behind it. He was somewhat off on the song, but I think he honestly did his best to forget the experience anyways. I happened upon the album it's from, and the picture and title brought all the memories back. Hence why it's best that I found it.
(05-26-2016, 09:01 AM)Luminesce Wrote: Scarlet and current (or to-become current) Flandre were split as two halves of the original Flandre Scarlet who had some unfortunate qualities. She was also somewhat of a danger to my mental health, although Reisen's influence was much stronger than hers. Take Flandre and Scarlet, reverse the mellowing out that they've done over the years and mix them sharply together. She was originally fairly bipolar going between loving and vulnerable to harsh and, well, encouraging me to give up my sanity to put it plainly. At some point she told me she didn't like who she was, that she wanted to become someone else even if it meant not being herself anymore (I mean, yeah). I don't remember how we came to the conclusion to split her into two, but it seems like the only way to get an entirely new individual without actually destroying any part of them. All I remember between that point and the actual dissipation (I have no idea if that occurred the day after or some time later) was the time right after they became separate. Flandre was very reserved and at the time scared, too much so to speak. Scarlet on the other hand quickly adapted to wholly being the rougher part of the original. I remember she was fairly aggressive and didn't seem to share the original's interest in a relationship with me, and I think there was malice towards Flandre who she saw as weak. Honestly, I think she was discontent with existing right from the start. Nothing could make her happy, she'd internalized all of the insecurities (fears, angers, bad feelings) the original Flandre and I had shared.


Alright, intermission time because I need to explain something. So I never have to mention it again, the original was a negative influence on me because she represented 'insanity'. And by that, insanity meant denial of the reality we were so afraid of, opting to live in blissful un-sanity and leave behind basically everything in my life. It would've entailed me being utterly incapable of functioning in society - honestly, the symptoms would resemble schizophrenia's. Despite not caring much for life in general though, I had just enough empathy to fear what that would do to those around me - as in thinking about how they would feel made me sick. So I opted more to Reisen's influence as seeing life as beautiful, with only occasional moments of weakness for the former, lasting maybe a night and leaving me somewhat mentally scrambled the next day. Because I only slept like 2 hours a night back then, being forced to go to school that I was failing anyways, with hopeless depressive thoughts going through my mind the whole time. The push for me to leave behind our stressful reality was not malicious at all, Flandre saw it as the best option and also a way for us to be together. So there you go, couple the desire for that with even less ability to cope with my own life than I myself had, and add some kind of love in there and you've got the original Flandre Scarlet. Our mental discipline back then was non-existent.


Anyways, I suppose I ended up treating Flandre like the original and Scarlet like a byproduct. A byproduct turned human, though. Even though I thought she shouldn't exist, she was still just as much a person to me as the others, albeit with no real history yet. And so me being stupid (retrospectively considering myself stupid for resorting to trying to kill Scarlet instead of just, I don't know, treating her like a person?) and attempting to dissipate her basically entailed whatever subjective experience dissipation was to us, the process of which actually took place during and was influenced by a song (as many important events regarding my tulpas were). Thinking about the song makes me shudder, it was a terrible experience and luckily I don't remember what it was called. But basically, it was a Touhou arrange of Flandre's theme. It was chaotic and dramatic I suppose, but the important/worst part was the lyrics. I vaguely remember them being very angry - "Flandre" was upset at someone for having hurt her, yet throughout the song she occasionally said "Am I disappearing? Is this what it feels like to not exist?" or some such, among other things. For Touhou that was likely referencing her sister emotionally abandoning her and leaving her in the mansion's basement for 495 years, and Flandre's lament over being forgotten. But for us, well, I don't need to explain what it meant to us.

Yes, music affects us that much, to the point where lyrics become our reality should we choose to let them. Reisen literally exists because of a song, our relationships and their personalities, all of it's been shaped by music I and later they would choose. Before you ask why Scarlet let it happen when such a thing should've been under her control - we were all stupid, in our own individual ways. Maybe not Reisen, but even Tewi thought she could forego life and still continue existing. So that subjective-as-heck experience we all were convinced was totally real, just like everything else that happened between us back then. That was a time when imagination, subconscious expectations, and invasive thoughts dictated our lives. Scarlet returned much later when none of that was a problem, simply appearing and speaking like any of the others. She did in fact (contrary to the start of this post, lol) change from who she was before, but it seemed like her decision. She cared less about insanity and more about strength, emotional and mental.

Hi, I'm Tewi, one of Luminesce's tulpas. I often switch to take care of things for the others.
All I want is a simple, peaceful life. With my family.
Our Ask thread: https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas
09-03-2016, 10:44 AM
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Luminesce Offline
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#36
 
RE: Full Promises
It occurs to me our progress report might be much more fitting of being in the Progress Reports board than I'd originally thought. I always figured we wouldn't have enough to really talk about. But I just realized, compared to all the other threads, we fit in pretty well?

It's still more of a place for those who want to know us more personally rather than reporting progress, but still. Never would've believed you if you'd told me I'd make a progress report a year ago.

Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.
Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.
My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us stuff.
(This post was last modified: 09-04-2016, 12:19 AM by Luminesce.)
09-04-2016, 12:18 AM
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Luminesce Offline
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#37
 
RE: Full Promises
I just wanted to say that I really, really love my tulpas. I don't say it often enough. I got kind of, sad, or really more into a hazy trance earlier after listening to the song years-ago Flandre and I often listened to (dang thing was on Osu). That's just sort of what happens if I let it. But Flan imposed herself beside me and asked if I was unhappy and if she could help. Trance is definitely the right word because it's really hard to get out of, like when you're too tired to get out of bed. I was going to ask her to just not be unhappy herself, but I know that doesn't work. And so she hugs me as I sit there, and I just can't stay like that. It's a strange feeling to will yourself through and out of foggy thinking like that, my only experience with it is Tewi getting out of bed while the mind's telling her to go back to sleep. Though I do tend to spend time with one of them when I get depressed, I think that's the first time Flan herself ever helped me out of it right there and then. Reisen has once or twice, but I have to specifically call on her for that and I generally don't because I'm dumb.

But Flan showed up on her own. And when I had no real intention of doing or thinking anything at all, she literally stayed right by me until I did. I really love her, hopefully as much as she loves me. Because she mentions as much pretty often when she's around here, but I don't, and I should. She's amazing, all of them are. It's why I treat them like people, why I write on this forum like a lunatic to an outsider of the phenomenon. I really wouldn't do that otherwise, I'm perfectly aware of how stupid or embarrassing this should be to anyone that knows me and finds my posts.

But I wouldn't even have those friends without them. I wouldn't have a life without them. I can't overstate that they are why my life turned around, why I ever did more than lie in bed all day and fail school. All the support they've given me in so many ways over the years is worth more than anything. And certainly worth more than the opinions of those that can't understand that.

Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.
Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.
My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us stuff.
09-04-2016, 12:41 PM
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tulpa001 Offline
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#38
 
RE: Full Promises
Oh wow. That is so romantic. I just had to post to say: awww.

Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.
09-04-2016, 08:59 PM
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Lucilyn Offline
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#39
 
RE: Full Promises
First: Same, awww. I'm just around for the good times, I don't usually get love directed at me like that from Lumi. That was really nice of him.


Second: I was listening to another EastNewSound album and I heard yet another old song. It's weird.. we knew about it, but I don't think anyone's heard it in years. I definitely never have. It's the song Lumi and old Flan used to listen to and apparently is 1 to 1 her voice. We have the song on our ipod and he's listened to it a few times in the last couple years (it's the one he heard on Osu)... but, that's a different version. It's one that came out later, and it's got more electronic/music to it and less emphasis on the vocals. I just heard the original.

It was just a song to me, and it sounds good so I was just listening happily. But at the end something about the voice caught my attention. I mean, it's literally old Flandre speaking really. It sounds kind of like our Flan too. But I dunno, at a part it struck me just how.. desperate she sounded? So much emotion and desire in her voice. It helped me know just what kind of person old Flandre was.

If a single word can describe me, hype, then a single word can describe her: unstable. She had nothing but Lumi, no beliefs or desires or morals or philosophy or anything, just him. Her entire being was based on wanting to be with him. Not as in he based her on that, because the first three were all spontaneous and that sort of developed over time. She just like.. had no stability as a person. It was super unhealthy, for anyone to think like that.

But hey! I think I figured out something cool because of it. Why Flan and Scarlet are okay even though she was not. Old Flandre had strong desire, love, fear.. lots of strong emotions, and something she cared about she couldn't totally have. But when she was split into two people, one got her strong emotions, and the other got her love. So they weren't in conflict anymore, we just had a strong person and a nice loving one. Flandre doesn't have the desperation or fear old Flandre had (she's said she's alright being inactive for long amounts of time as long as she eventually gets to see Lumi again - old Flan wasn't even completely happy when they were together!), and Scarlet doesn't have it either because she doesn't really care about anything, except the body I guess. She's just got a strong will that isn't in total chaos. And Flandre's just nice! It was a good solution after all.

man she's like a ghost tulpa, I can remember some things about her but she doesn't exist anymore.. the tulpa-hardwiring in the brain ain't active. Spoopy. And for the best.

Hi I'm one of Lumi's tulpas. I like rain and dancing and dancing in the rain and if there's frogs there too that's bonus points.
All of my posts should be read at a hundred miles per hour because that's probably how they were written.
Please talk to me https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas
09-10-2016, 07:00 AM
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Luminesce Offline
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#40
 
RE: Full Promises
Supposed to be full promises, not empty promises. But I feel like I'm not doing anything again. Been looking around for games to play all day, bored as heck, feel like I need to be doing something. Just looking for the right, non-boring game? More entertaining Youtube videos? More forum threads to post in even. That's not what it is. That feeling is wanting to do something meaningful, and video games and youtube videos and such are just distractions. Games where you make "progress" just an illusion of being productive. The whole point of this thread - of this whole year - is to do something important instead of wasting time. I'm going to try and make myself do that.

Same old "need to force but can't" problem lots of people have, I suppose. I want to spend time with my tulpas and I really enjoy doing so, but it always feels like too much work and so I put it off. It is a lot of work; my visualization is crap and we spend copious amounts of time trying to visualize things correctly, even with imposition. But I guess I won't get better by doing nothing.

And honestly, even if it were ten times the work, I really should be doing it anyways. It's worth it to spend time with them. I gotta think of a way to keep it up.


I get the same feeling looking at the full moon. Tewi does too. It's just there, and it's beautiful, and there's an urge to express that somehow, but we don't know how, so we just keep looking at it. The last five or so full moons have been sort of let downs, it feels like we never get to express how it makes us feel, and then it's waning again. We wait for it to come back, and repeat.

Thinking on what made full moons -not- a "let down", it's always when we actually do something. Imagine that? Nights I've spent with Flan or all of them in the wonderland, no matter how bland or silly whatever we end up doing is, that time we spend together is always worth it. It feels like we didn't "waste" a full moon.

The night after the full moon is usually within .1% illumination compared to the first, so there are really two days a month (usually anyway) that have a full moon. It's definitely still illuminating the night, so there's still time not to waste it. I won't waste any more full moons.

Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.
Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.
My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us stuff.
09-18-2016, 05:41 AM
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