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Goodbye Koomer and Oguigi.
#21
I learned early on that "you can't accidentally parrot". Bullshit. I believed my accidental parroting for months. Now I'm really good at convincingly parroting and dismissing vocality as parroting. And now it's far too easy to think that I imagined any sign of progress. I do honest-to-God believe she's there somewhere, but if this goes on for much longer I'm not sure how long I can last.
I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together. <3
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#22
(09-13-2014, 05:30 PM)Ganymede Wrote: I'm not worried about mental illnesses, it's the ease that people can just give up, denounce it all as fake, and forget about it that worries me.

I'd say that's because either:

1. He had bad experiences with tulpamancy and eventually went into denial that Oguigi was real as a way to cope.

or

2. He made everything up and never believed she existed in the first place.
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#23
(09-13-2014, 03:42 PM)Ganymede Wrote: (Also, Hail, how did you screw up with servitors? If you don't mind)

I've made two servitors that have really damaged me, and was working on another that if completed, could have actually killed me. All of them are finally out of operation.

I made my emotional dampeners back in high school 10 years ago and continued working on them the next 6 years. Out of the servitors that have been really bad ideas, they were the least bad. I was trying to control my emotions and eventually stop certain emotions entirely. I lost a lot of my emotional capacity while they still existed. At one time when they were at their maximum setting, I had 3 people in my life die and I was barely effected. That was when I realized I screwed up. But instead of destroying them (not like I would have been able to figure out how then), I turned them down a few notches. A few months later and after a major breakdown, I tried to trash them but they persisted for the last 4 years. I only very recently figured out how to finally destroy them once and for all. They were holding back a lot, including some things I hadn't felt since I was in high school. A little overwhelming, but I am glad I did it. I can't believe I lost 10 years of having full emotional capacity over my silly motivations.

The one that did the most damage I made a little over 4 years ago. I was trying to fight my sexuality (didn't work by the way). I made a servitor that would essentially inject intrusive thoughts as a distraction whenever my thought processes would stray anywhere near being attracted to someone, move memories around my internal memory compartmentalization to make sure I wouldn't remember such things, otherwise scramble memory, control the emotional dampeners to dampen everything into oblivion whenever I would start to feel attraction, etc. Only operated for a few months, but in that time it did a lot of damage, especially at the end when I became attracted to someone who was not of the gender I had programmed it to react to and then quickly fixed it but by that time the feeling had progressed really far (back then, I thought I was a straight guy so I was only fighting attraction towards women, but then I suddenly found myself attracted to a guy I knew for the first time, so then I fought that because I foolishly believed that all sexual attraction was evil). Got my memory pretty scrambled and helped contribute to a mental and emotional breakdown. I ended up destroying the servitor. Took me months to get my memory unscrambled, and that was only really possible because the only smart thing I did was have it log what it did to memory. Unfortunately, a lot of long term memory got damaged accidentally in ways that were not repairable, and others memories got misplaced (still finding a few every now and then 4 years later). The breakdown also caused my headmate and I (in addition to having tulpas, I am also multiple), who were merged at the time, to separate which lead to a few issues (my fault) and where I am today.

The 3rd dangerous servitor was never completed, and thankfully so. I can often have very dark thoughts. There was a time when I was worried that those thoughts meant I could possibly turn into a monster serial killer. So, I started making a servitor as a backup. First functionality, which I got sort of working was basically injecting static into my mind if my thoughts got too dark. The second functionality which I was planning for after I got that completed was the final fail safe. If my thoughts got too dark, it would take over the body and make it commit suicide. Thankfully, I learned that I did not have to worry so much and that there were better ways to handle my dark thoughts before I got the servitor completely operational with the first functionality.

Right now, I only have 2 servitors, and they are all primitive. One is a TV screen in wonderland that shows whatever the body's eyes see. The other is an alarm clock. I may one day try to make more advanced servitors again, but I am definitely going to have to think about it long and hard due to my history of foolishness.

I'm lucky I made it through all of that. It is because of this foolishness (and other foolish things) that I have told my tulpas that if they are strong enough, they are completely allowed to forcibly possess or switch me if I am about to do something stupid. I trust their judgement in many ways more than I trust my own.

So I can relate to and understand how someone else, such as Koomer, could make such bad decisions. That said, I do not approve of his basically dissipating Oguigi (if not already, that is where things are heading). I am glad he is doing better now, but he really should take her out of deep freeze. However, I doubt that will ever happen.

- Hail
Tri = {V, O, G}, Ice and Frostbite and Breach (all formerly Hail), and others
System Name: Fall Family
Former Username: hail_fall
Contributor and administrator on a supplementary tulpamancy resource and associated forum, Tulpa.io and Tulpa.io/discuss/.
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#24
(09-13-2014, 06:11 PM)Ganymede Wrote: I learned early on that "you can't accidentally parrot". Bullshit. I believed my accidental parroting for months. Now I'm really good at convincingly parroting and dismissing vocality as parroting. And now it's far too easy to think that I imagined any sign of progress. I do honest-to-God believe she's there somewhere, but if this goes on for much longer I'm not sure how long I can last.

I'm interested to know what exactly made you suddenly think, after months, that what you had been experiencing was parroted? It honestly sounds like actual vocality was happening and then you suddenly got big doubts and decided that everything had been parroted... you know what they say about belief being important and doubt basically being a tulpa-killer.
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#25
I was trying to have a conversation, but it didn't really feel right. So I tried to listen a bit harder. And I heard, "Oh yay you can finally listen now! Everything up to this point was a lie." Somehow, I believed that. Except the exact same thing has happened at least 5 times.

So I can have a convincing conversation with myself and only realize how BS it was later.

I think it's due to my early habit of listening for the first thing that came to mind. That wasn't convincing at all. And I stressed, "all you need to do is surprise me and I'll know you're sentient!" So whenever I heard some mess, I interpreted it as confirming that she's sentient. (I wasn't even really surprised. I wanted to be surprised. So I managed to convince myself I was surprised.) And I was having parratnoia problems (of course) so it made sense that she would do it so often.

Basically, a terrible feedback loop of shit.
I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together. <3
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#26
Are you sure it wasn't just an intrusive thought when she told you everything else had been a lie? How can you be certain that response was legit and the others were fake, and not vice versa?
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#27
(09-13-2014, 10:22 PM)Ganymede Wrote: I was trying to have a conversation, but it didn't really feel right. So I tried to listen a bit harder. And I heard, "Oh yay you can finally listen now! Everything up to this point was a lie." Somehow, I believed that. Except the exact same thing has happened at least 5 times.

So I can have a convincing conversation with myself and only realize how BS it was later.

I think it's due to my early habit of listening for the first thing that came to mind. That wasn't convincing at all. And I stressed, "all you need to do is surprise me and I'll know you're sentient!" So whenever I heard some mess, I interpreted it as confirming that she's sentient. (I wasn't even really surprised. I wanted to be surprised. So I managed to convince myself I was surprised.) And I was having parratnoia problems (of course) so it made sense that she would do it so often.

Basically, a terrible feedback loop of shit.

I agree with fennecgirl, but I also just wanna add some thoughts of my own.

When it comes to tulpa, the reason everyone says belief is vital is because there are so few - if any - ways to definitively identify your tulpa as sentient, or as truly vocal and not being parroted early on. You have to believe that your tulpa is talking to you and acting independently because they literally thrive and depend on attention and belief to grow. People say 'you can't accidentally parrot' because it promotes that vital belief in your tulpa.

I don't want to put words or actions in your mouth but it kinda sounds like you doubted your tulpa's progress on some level, heard what you wanted to hear (perhaps as an intrusive thought as fennecgirl suggested) and then rolled with it as if it was the truth. I dunno if you agree with that, but it seems like it's a possibility.

My two cents.
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#28
(09-13-2014, 10:24 PM)fennecgirl Wrote: Are you sure it wasn't just an intrusive thought when she told you everything else had been a lie? How can you be certain that response was legit and the others were fake, and not vice versa?

Maybe it was. I don't see how that's much different than parroting. At least some of our conversations were fake, and that could be all.

(09-13-2014, 11:27 PM)Ninki Nanka Wrote: I agree with fennecgirl, but I also just wanna add some thoughts of my own.

When it comes to tulpa, the reason everyone says belief is vital is because there are so few - if any - ways to definitively identify your tulpa as sentient, or as truly vocal and not being parroted early on. You have to believe that your tulpa is talking to you and acting independently because they literally thrive and depend on attention and belief to grow. People say 'you can't accidentally parrot' because it promotes that vital belief in your tulpa.

I don't want to put words or actions in your mouth but it kinda sounds like you doubted your tulpa's progress on some level, heard what you wanted to hear (perhaps as an intrusive thought as fennecgirl suggested) and then rolled with it as if it was the truth. I dunno if you agree with that, but it seems like it's a possibility.

My two cents.

All the belief in the world won't help if you're buying into the crap you hear by going with the first thing that comes to mind. Hearing meaningless words for the sake of hearing words. I try not to do that anymore, but it's a habit. I do give her lots of attention and I've been working on better forcing. I do believe she can do it, but not yet.

And it might have been an intrusive thought. Maybe not. It throws everything into doubt either way.
I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together. <3
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#29
(09-13-2014, 08:42 PM)FallFamily Wrote: I've made two servitors that have really damaged me, and was working on another that if completed, could have actually killed me. All of them are finally out of operation.

I made my emotional dampeners back in high school 10 years ago and continued working on them the next 6 years. Out of the servitors that have been really bad ideas, they were the least bad. I was trying to control my emotions and eventually stop certain emotions entirely. I lost a lot of my emotional capacity while they still existed. At one time when they were at their maximum setting, I had 3 people in my life die and I was barely effected. That was when I realized I screwed up. But instead of destroying them (not like I would have been able to figure out how then), I turned them down a few notches. A few months later and after a major breakdown, I tried to trash them but they persisted for the last 4 years. I only very recently figured out how to finally destroy them once and for all. They were holding back a lot, including some things I hadn't felt since I was in high school. A little overwhelming, but I am glad I did it. I can't believe I lost 10 years of having full emotional capacity over my silly motivations.

You had that level of control over your mind and you were still in high school? When did you start practicing?

Edit: Just realized I necro'd this thread. Sorry!
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