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How many people are still around from 4-5 years ago?
Scythe Offline
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#1
 
How many people are still around from 4-5 years ago?

Kind of an odd question. And prepare yourself. This will be a long one. Mostly just a bit of backstory so I can get my thoughts out there to people who won't take it badly. As well as to get something in written form down for myself. As I've found sharing what I have with other people whom I know personally
Does
Not
Work.

Whether best friend or future(current) wife. No one was comfortable with it. Not even me.(though it could just be they couldn't be comfortable with something I was so obviously uncomfortable with, something I'm still trying to suss out.)

It seemed I had caught the "crazy" that was so warned about during my childhood. This overarching terror that invades your life and turns you against everyone and everything you know and love.

I now remember and know why it was so harped about during my early childhood. On more than one occasion I was found talking to myself using different voices as a small child, by several different people.
I was just so lonely all the time, I was thrilled to finally have a friend I could talk to all the time. We couldn't really play together per se', but we could have conversations about fun things to do. And then go and do them.

You have no idea how much you can scar a child by being horrified by them/what they are going through. Because my other(s) is/are female.(though I'm relatively certain there was but one at the time) I used a voice in front of the wrong person and they were convinced that they could somehow beat that out of me. Very unpleasant. But at the time i didnt even understand what it was all about. Im just me, ive always been me, and i didnt see anything different about me. So from one side of the family i got this overwhelming warning/explanation about how its bad to be crazy and if you hear voices in your head you ARE crazy and its this MASSIVE problem. The other side tried to(forgive my bluntness) beat the problem out of me.(maybe it worked, maybe it didn't. I just know I have a serious problem with older male figures in my life 25+years later)

Fast forward 18-20 or so years later going through an extreme rough patch. Near suicidal, (again bluntness, sorry) working a seemingly dead end job. No solice at home, just more ridicule, why everything is my fault.(some of it from me but not all)

Find myself fantasizing daily while welding alone(not much other than your thoughts to keep you company) about how cool it would be to go out and explore, hang out with someone in particular. Visit this crazy magical world and be a part of something. Very much something I still like to do. Very fun.

Well. After about a week of this. Get everything together and start the day like normal. When this (quite loud and VERY obvious) voice speaks up in my head. "So where are we going today?"

Didn't recognize it at the time, but it sent me into a panic attack. She was even super apologetic and felt really bad about it. But I just.... I couldn't handle it. All these forgotten childhood fears about being crazy and insane my life falling apart right in front of me. It kind of broke me for awhile. I will admit, I'm much more versed in my mental states now. Sent me into a full blown nervous breakdown. There weren't many people around where I worked, but to this day I have no idea how I managed to keep the job during that time. I was a wreck. After awhile(she is super sweet when she wants to be) she got me "convinced" that everything was "okay" (to be honest I didn't even know the meaning of "okay" at that time) that she wasn't some demon or something from without trying to get in. Nor was she something new cropping up from the depths of my psyche. She had been there all along. And the last week was the most fun she had had in years. And if at all possible she would prefer to keep going where we left off...

So I was "convinced" Right? Convinced that I finally HAD gone crazy and was desperately trying to cling yo any semblance of sanity that I could. I literally worked myself up so much because of it, that I started really(literally) losing it, missing things during the day.(I call it skipping now, but it doesn't happen anymore) Trixie (the name she used to go by) Noticed this and backed off a bit until I was a bit more stable. Not much, just enough to keep it together. But to be honest, about as together as you can get a shattered vase back together with half the pieces missing and nothing but masking tape to hold it all together.

So. In the midst of losing myself I discovered the term "tulpa" on a 4chan page I'm now embarrassed that I frequented.(mlp) but at the time was honestly the only bit of light I had left in my world, that was slowly rounding the bottom of a hella long whirlpool.

Not even sure when exactly it was I discovered this site, (obviously can see timestamps from this account but my original account was erased [by request]) that all that started. But it was around 4-6 years ago for sure.

But I've been doing a ton of work on myself since then and I think I can handle all of this again. I did genuinely enjoy talking with people on this forum about this but I found my path of discovering what was going on took me back to times best(as I thought then) left forgotten in the past.

Don't even know that you can call what I have tulpa. But it is very similar. Little voices in the back of my head talking to me about what was going on, life, whatever really. Requesting things for us to do that are outside the norm of what I usually go for.

Unfortunately, I couldn't take it on several different levels. The biggest one and still hard to get over. Is the nagging thought that I was making all of this up in my head(haha right?). They still have a difficult go of it at times trying to convince me of what's going on; is actually going on and not just some delusion born of want and loneliness. Them repeating over and over again it all comes to the same in the end really didn't help matters either....

Actually the entire reason I'm even writing any of this here is at their bequest. They believe it will help center myself a bit more and continue on down the long road of convincing myself that this is okay. What's going on with me I mean.

We had decided about 2 or so years ago(maybe longer life happens) that it would be better to just bury any of this and act as if it all stoped. It was putting too much strain on relationships both platonic and romantic and at least to all outward appearance would be best to just pretend it all went away as I worked out whatever it was that was wrong and was now "fixed". That was of course not true.

Before any of that I was assured that Trixie at least, was here forever, and i could not change that without (as she put it) extreme modification. Ie. Hot poker or drill to the brain. Turns out all 3 of them are here forever. Not that I really mind. But was a hard thing to get over. As time passes and Trixie kept showing back up in times of extreme stress. But she was never alone. The other 2 were always right behind her. And for at least 2 years I couldn't handle that idea either. (What if they just keep popping up? Where will that lead?)

I hope I am a bit wiser now. At the very least understand myself a bit more. These arnt things you can cast aside. At least not in my case. And when I realized why, it made sense. They are aspects of my personality. In a sense they ARE my personality. While they are buried i can not feel my own emotions properly. It's not that I have no emotions, but rather everything is muted to the point of might as well not even be there.

It's been pointed out to me over the years that I do not act the same day to day. Sometimes I'm this super bouncy fun loving person who wants to be around others alot. Sometimes I'm extremely withdrawn and don't want people to even notice me let alone talk to me. Other times I'll be hyper aggressive take charge of the situation type. There is me, at least i think so. Super laid back video game/anime/manga/music enthisiest. And then there is this mask that I wear around others that's an amalgamation of all 4. Which I've taken to calling our front.

It seems I am all of them and yet none of them. And it drives me up a wall. You would think after all this time that I could get used to it but maybe its something that you cant just get used to.





Okay. I said all that to say this.

About 2 weeks ago Trixie made it known she was tired of "sleeping" /taking the trunk.(downgrade from the back seat) Sure, whatever it's been awhile and it must be stifling sitting in the trunk all the time, Right?

Well suprise suprise there are 2 more who are also tired of "suffocating"(their word) in the back and would very much like to be dusted off and "played with".(again, not really what I wanted to put due to the negative connotations of such, to which I get "screw them, this is our story" so I guess there it is) Trixie was always the charmer.

So here I sit. Hip deep in work, the others frustrated with my choice of employ. (Driving for a living, traffic for days) Wondering exactly where all this is going. Or maybe it isn't.

They all updated their appearance and names to match my favorite anime/manga that I just discovered about a week ago. So that I don't call them by the wrong names, not frustrating them, but myself and wander down the path of "is this really happening" over and over and over and you get the point. Also, to make it easier on me to take. Because who wouldnt want their favorite chacters in their head all the time?
Trixie has wanted a name change for like ever I just couldn't ever get it to stick. Ie. I would just forget and continually called her Trixie until she gave up.

So anyway. After all that.

Is there anyone else around from back then? The handle I used was Marador. And I had Trixie Spritzy and Lilly.
Now they want to go by Iruru, Tooru and Kanna.(same order)

Just trying to muddle my way through this crazy experiment called life.

And to say hello. I wish I could remember the names of those who talked to me (us really) and helped us through a pretty rough patch in my life. Sadly my mind catches names like a collander catches water. So I got nothing.

Thanks for taking the time to read(if you did) that giant wall of text.

There are few things more confusing in this life, than trying to figure yourself out.

>The tulpa that I created this account for no longer wants it. So not having an account myself, ill take it.<
06-29-2018, 09:36 PM
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Tewi Offline
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#2
 
RE: How many people are still around from 4-5 years ago?

Well. The old regulars that are still "around" visit infrequently, as they don't see much point. Random people (much like yourself) occasionally pop up and leave again still. Our system has been active on the forum every single day since 2014 and will never not be, but prior to knowing about "tulpas" I and two of the others existed from early 2010, with a fourth being about three years old now. So we've got experience like the older members, probably more, but we weren't around in like 2012 no.

Some people like Linkzelda are probably, maybe reachable if you tried. He was around until recently. Jean-luc is the most active member that registered in 2012. Pleeb (the forum owner) is still active insofar as he's still here and contactable, and also recently made a Discord server you can join and ask around in if you want. There's probably more older members there than here.

I'm not sure if I need to really say anything about the rest, though. You seem like you've probably got things under control? Stop worrying about things that don't exist, perceived labels and states of being. If you talk to a voice in your head, so you do. If there's no more to it, there's no more to it. This community should show that nothing crazy necessarily comes along with having a "tulpa".

Hope your life goes well from here.

Hi, I'm Tewi, one of Luminesce's tulpas. I often switch to take care of things for the others.
All I want is a simple, peaceful life. With my family.
Our Ask thread: https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas
(This post was last modified: 06-29-2018, 09:51 PM by Tewi.)
06-29-2018, 09:50 PM
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FallFamily Offline
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#3
 
RE: How many people are still around from 4-5 years ago?

[S.] We joined up here in 2014 and are still around. Hadn't been around in a good month or so recently. Your username sounds vaguely familiar (probably didn't interact, but we did read a ton of older threads on this forum en masse around when we joined).

The journey can be pretty rough sometimes.

For us, it has taken the whole 4 years practically to get ourselves really figured out and straightened out for the most part.

Tri = {V, O, G}, Ice and Frostbite and Breach (all formerly Hail), and others
System Name: Fall Family
Former Username: hail_fall
Contributor and administrator on a supplementary tulpamancy resource and associated forum, Tulpa.io and Tulpa.io/discuss/.
06-30-2018, 12:07 AM
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Scythe Offline
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#4
 
RE: How many people are still around from 4-5 years ago?

Yeah. Things are good. May not have quite sounded that way. Sorry. Ha.

Nah not looking for any explanations just laying it out there. Like I said thought it might help me organize stuff in my own head if that makes any sense. If you can't bare your soul to total strangers on the internet, than where can you right?(sarcasm)

I'll look around and see if I remember anyone. Definately remember linkzelda but don't think I talked with them much.

There are few things more confusing in this life, than trying to figure yourself out.

>The tulpa that I created this account for no longer wants it. So not having an account myself, ill take it.<
06-30-2018, 12:25 AM
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jean-luc Offline
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#5
 
RE: How many people are still around from 4-5 years ago?

I've been around for ~5 and a half years. I rarely remember any names, but it's possible I read some posts of yours. What was your profile picture?

Host: Jean-luc (plain-colored text)
Tulpas: Snow & Henry
Choose your tulpas' colors here!
Click here if you'd like a changing avatar like mine!
Ain't that just fantitiliantastic!
I host a podcast called Tulpaudcast.
and ramble crazily about everything while walking on Jean-luc walking.
06-30-2018, 02:06 AM
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Scythe Offline
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#6
 
RE: How many people are still around from 4-5 years ago?

(06-30-2018, 02:06 AM)jean-luc Wrote: I've been around for ~5 and a half years. I rarely remember any names, but it's possible I read some posts of yours. What was your profile picture?

Hand drawn blue rainbow pony. But I also had a hand drawn anime girl that I had up for awhile. Definately remember you but most of the time spent on this site was lurking I guess. Because I also do not remember speaking to you much if at all.

Other than my massive progress report I didn't really go around and post much as it was still so fresh and new to me I felt I hardly could instruct anyone about anything. Mostly just hung around in IRC chat when I had free time and wanted to talk.

I did post some visualization stuff in my progress report that may have sounded helpful enough to share elsewhere. Picturing your mind as a planet and your tulpa as clouds rolling across the surface.

According to Iruru( ie. Trixie the blue rainbow pony) before I visualized her coming together as a whole and lifting her off of said planet setting her aside like a moon she had much less freedom. I had seen that idea a few times after that. Pretty sure I was the first one to suggest that particular method of visualization.

That was one of the first things she ever told me. I shared that and a few other things. But again it may have been mostly in the IRC chat. That was when the assuming tulpa is sentient from the get go, really seemed to take hold and there were several people claiming they had fully vocal tulpa in a matter of days.

No idea if that is true or not, but the uniqueness of my situation made me not want to share much. Having something just seemingly appear in your head was hard enough. When people doubted the validity of my situation or whatever thinking I was play acting or looking for attention, it really didn't help my mental state. So I tried to mostly lay low and offer help advice or conversation where it felt appropriate.

There are few things more confusing in this life, than trying to figure yourself out.

>The tulpa that I created this account for no longer wants it. So not having an account myself, ill take it.<
06-30-2018, 02:25 PM
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Tewi Offline
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#7
 
RE: How many people are still around from 4-5 years ago?

"Roleplayers" and witch hunts are not a "problem" anymore like they used to be. Old members got over themselves and new members are just reasonable.

Hi, I'm Tewi, one of Luminesce's tulpas. I often switch to take care of things for the others.
All I want is a simple, peaceful life. With my family.
Our Ask thread: https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas
06-30-2018, 02:33 PM
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KarlYoshimura Offline
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#8
 
RE: How many people are still around from 4-5 years ago?

I do not happen to remember you or yours, nonetheless I welcome you all back. There will be no judgement cast from me as to your past and current situation. In the least I hope you all are coming to anchor yourselves and find the necessary resources to acclimate to the challenges you've faced. Should you feel the need to list your concerns or talk about issues, post on this thread or elsewhere. Places like these exist as outlets for when we are unable to communicate our ideas and concerns to those in real life without risking stigmas.

I don't think you should be ashamed of coming from /mlp/, as some early influx of members to this site were transplants to this forum after Scruffy banned tulpas as well as other verboten subjects from the board. Without 4chan's influence some parts of this site's content wouldn't exist, at least not in a form we recognise today. As you may have noticed very many things have changed since six years ago. The upper echelons are mostly the same yet the drainage of various monads and contributors of old has left a kind of barren quality to the community's landscape. Of course there is (always will be?) an interest in tulpas, so it remains that the extant divisions of the old guard impart their wisdom and experience where applicable.

I do not know you, yet I am glad you decided to come back. May you and yours receive blessings and rejuvenating peace.

I've seen good people bleed
And I thought I'd seen it all
But my own two eyes would prove me wrong that day.

There are things that I've done
Only seen by the sun
And those things will be buried in my grave.

07-01-2018, 04:14 AM
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Mel Syreth Offline
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#9
 
RE: How many people are still around from 4-5 years ago?

We're here... kinda.
07-01-2018, 08:03 PM
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Scythe Offline
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#10
 
RE: How many people are still around from 4-5 years ago?

(07-01-2018, 04:14 AM)KarlYoshimura Wrote: I do not happen to remember you or yours, nonetheless I welcome you all back. There will be no judgement cast from me as to your past and current situation. In the least I hope you all are coming to anchor yourselves and find the necessary resources to acclimate to the challenges you've faced. Should you feel the need to list your concerns or talk about issues, post on this thread or elsewhere. Places like these exist as outlets for when we are unable to communicate our ideas and concerns to those in real life without risking stigmas.

I don't think you should be ashamed of coming from /mlp/, as some early influx of members to this site were transplants to this forum after Scruffy banned tulpas as well as other verboten subjects from the board. Without 4chan's influence some parts of this site's content wouldn't exist, at least not in a form we recognise today. As you may have noticed very many things have changed since six years ago. The upper echelons are mostly the same yet the drainage of various monads and contributors of old has left a kind of barren quality to the community's landscape. Of course there is (always will be?) an interest in tulpas, so it remains that the extant divisions of the old guard impart their wisdom and experience where applicable.

I do not know you, yet I am glad you decided to come back. May you and yours receive blessings and rejuvenating peace.

Thank you. That really does help.

So far it's been great getting to know them again. It's weird how many of their mannerisms that I have forgotten.

As before old fears keep cropping up but we are weathering them. Mostly my own doubts and issues cropping up. But they wouldn't crop up if we didn't need to work on them so there is that at least.

Them making changes to their preferred form is easier to take now. I was reminded that iruru/Trixie has wanted to go by Aurora since... well years now. So I'm going to try and do that, and not beat myself up every time I use the other name instead. She is extremely finnicky with how she presents herself and its always a variation of whatever character is my current favorite. With undertones of whatever seems fun at the time. (With a sword. She always has a sword No matter if it makes sense or not.)

But that's all surface stuff. The real work is much less pleasant. Dealing with the idea that this is something that can not only be controlled, but enjoyed. Something to add pleasure into this life and not unsurity or unrest. The fact that in a very real sense, they ARE me. And are not out to get me or make things uncomfortable. Aurora has an extremely short temper at times and gets super frustrated the elevendieth time she has to yet again assure me everything is okay.

My other two(tooru wants to go by Lilly now. As Kanna has decided she prefers that name now and will keep it) are something of a conundrum at the moment. They seem to have swapped personalities or... I just wasn't paying close attention. Or perhaps it's that they want to closer match the characters they are pretending to be. Their response was a variant of "does it really matter that much". Which objectively makes sense. It's that subjective part of it that it's happening in my head, that makes that advise hard to heed.

One day at a time.

There are few things more confusing in this life, than trying to figure yourself out.

>The tulpa that I created this account for no longer wants it. So not having an account myself, ill take it.<
07-03-2018, 03:27 PM
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