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I'm bad at making titles and everything else.
Maple Offline
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#61
 
RE: I'm bad at making titles and everything else.
Got an upper respiratory tract infection immediately after the lower one, so still sick. Can't practice possession/switching anytime soon, feeling extremely depressed. One thing I wanted to talk about here that I've been TRYING to push as an idea to people just to see what they think (but people really don't seem to care about or think I'm just crazier than I already am), is about the "merging" incident.

Basically, a couple years ago, I followed someone's "possession" method in private, and this method in particular led to what felt like a merge between me and Kara. It was extremely messed up and we couldn't tell who was who, to say the least... and not in the manner of "Who is moving the body right now?" but actual identity issues. We went through this big process to try to undo it and all. After that, I seem to have had no memories from "my" past from before that point, or most of them. They all come back over time as faded or broken memories, and I don't know what to do with them but just entertain the ideas that they may or may not have happened, if at all, to "me". I don't really feel like "Maple" as I should, I feel like I'm just a byproduct of this incident. If anything, I feel like I may still experience things in the same way as before, but I really just can't find the answers on my own as to if I'm still the same person that I was before, and not in the way that people change over time, I mean in "consciousness", I guess. I don't know, maybe I am going even crazier, I don't really know what to think about it. It's been bothering me for quite some time.
05-06-2018, 04:59 PM
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Maple Offline
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#62
 
RE: I'm bad at making titles and everything else.
I don't remember anything about how I was going about dissociation for switching, or anything that I had done before for switching a few years ago. But something new that has developed that is quite annoying, is that I'm disconnecting from the body quite frequently, more than before. It appears to happen even more as I have an identity crisis, and is starting to just spiral out of control and happen randomly and I can't control it. It's quite hard to describe, because I feel my grip on the body slipping almost entirely at once, yet I can still feel, see, hear, etc. etc. but my body goes into autopilot mode. Trying to figure this out is extremely difficult, and I'm wondering if this has any ties to the merging accident. My mind is wandering to worst-case scenarios of things that could happen, including just losing control of the body completely and everyone possibly dying. Don't know why. It's causing a lot of anxiety and stress currently.
05-15-2018, 02:40 AM
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KarlYoshimura Offline
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#63
 
RE: I'm bad at making titles and everything else.
@Maple

please get well soon.

I cannot entirely know how you feel, yet I can empathise with how you describe losing control of your body as well as the magnitude of dissociation involved. What immediately springs forth to my mind is the few times it felt like my brain stem was about to physically snap from my spinal column and the partial ego-death that I had endured through out child hood well into my early adult years. What you describe as being a kind of byproduct reminds me of how I felt like I had to slowly put my own psyche back together again while accepting that I simply cannot be the same exact person I was before hand, a conclusion I find common with some who have sought recovery from addiction or severe onset of mental illness. Interestingly enough others have described these kinds of experiences as an important (albeit costly) step in their personal growth rather than a fatalistic expression of internal defeat or compromise.

This is just my opinion, yet I would think that if you can muster enough effort and concentration in your attempt to tell us how you feel as well as share the basis of your troubles, you too can eventually make the arduous and mutually stirring journey to a much less worrisome and inversely far more stable atmosphere.

As for your "disconnecting", have you ever considered that what you feel is like a kind of hypnosis or semi-conscious state of awareness? I ask because hypnosis can be triggered and utilised by the body to ease its self in to and more efficiently conduct tasks (like driving a vehicle on a highway system over long distances). More speculation on my end, but maybe this is a kind of response to ensure basic life functions and responsibilities whilst you are recalled or withdrawn inwards to better grapple with your identity disorientation.

Our minds do concentrate so much more on the negative outcomes, yet this alone should not consign you to despair. Perhaps I am wrong, but rather than seeing you as some one dead or about to perish, I see you and yours as those who have weathered a great deal and are deserving of refuge. You're making the necessary acclimations despite the confusion, stress and dread. This speaks volumes to me about the formidable resistance you've offered thus far.

We have pounded our hands in despair against the adobe walls, for our inheritance, our city, is lost and dead.
The shields of our warriors were its defense, but they could not save it.


(This post was last modified: 05-15-2018, 12:40 PM by KarlYoshimura.)
05-15-2018, 10:42 AM
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Maple Offline
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Posts: 40
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#64
 
RE: I'm bad at making titles and everything else.
After wanting to change his name for a couple of years, Bithore is now "Celedyr". We asked for recommendations from a friend, and he liked that one the most. I also like it, but it's going to take me forever to get used to calling him by his new name after calling him Bithore for so many years. Same form, different name. Also, I believe another name or a couple of names on the original post are outdated, as well as some forms. I'll have to update it soon.
05-19-2018, 01:26 AM
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