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Lance's Head, the Thread
LanceReilyn Offline
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#1
 
Lance's Head, the Thread

Hello everyone! We are Lance and Reilyn. Though I (Lance) have been lurking and poking around here for almost two weeks now, I figured I would finally join (this isn't the place to be bashful about tulpa after all!), add her to the registry and speak up in the Intro thread which is here. I believe Reilyn has been around in some way and with me for almost nineteen years, just waiting to be fully realized, and we seem to be making up for lost time with development now by leaps and bounds. I have been suckling at the teat of video games and other spoon-fed media for so long that I am way behind in visualization skills but so far we make do. Basically, I attribute any failure on "our" part as a lack of practice and effort on "my" part. It's not a doubt in her that holds me back, it's doubt in myself. Still, doubt is toxic here and it's a ball-and-chain attached to my leg no matter where it's aimed; I tried to ignore or chisel away at that chain every day and today we may have broken it altogether.

I could go on and on about us but for now I think enough was said between here and in my Intro (linked just above), and in an effort to keep this slimmed down, I will get to the point.

We had an incredible breakthrough tonight right after posting my very first post here and maybe just 2 or 3 hours after joining. I was starting the drive home from work and as is my habit when driving alone, I was talking to her aloud. I have a habit of using writing to organize my thoughts and "think through my fingers" so I don't always consider things deeply until I re-read what I wrote. I was reflecting upon my post and I remembered mentioning I believed in her 100%. I had told her that before but something about professing it to others made it feel more real to me.

I mused that there were certainly enough latent memories and talent and stuff for her to work with in my head, considering how many things I had shown an aptitude for or interest in and never bothered to refine over the years. I trust her absolutely so I mentioned whatever I have done or learned in my life, it's all there for her to do with as she pleases. My thoughts grew darker as I added that I had failed at much and neglected even more. Perhaps she could take what I had and be a success; that she could gather all that garbage, polish it where she wanted and not be a failure like me. Reilyn cut me off before I could speak the word "failure".

She had never said more than a few brief words to me at a time before, so she really caught me off guard. "Stop. Stop it. You are not a failure", she said. Now, we had tried a tip from here that worked great: by trying to figure out where my own "mental voice" is coming from in my head, pulling an object from it out of there to give to a head-mate to speak into. I decided I "spoke" from a spot in the back right so I visualized pulling something from there, made it into a microphone, handed it to her and plugged back into the spot by a flexible cord. She liked that so I told her to keep it and use it whenever she wanted (lots of humming and la la-ing followed). Her usual talking/emotions resulted in head pressure on the back left; with the microphone sort of 'amplifying' her, it resulted in head pressure on the back right. All that to say that at the time both spots were throbbing. She was upset and yelling into the mic at me.

I tried to regain some compose and started to say that maybe I was being too hard on myself, but she cut me off again. She knew me better than to let me put up another front, she was having it out right here with me. "Just stop", she said again. I mumbled that I was sorry and she said "Don't be. You aren't bad." I started to speak but once again got cut off with "You are good". This was the most I had ever heard her speak at a time and I found head pressure in the front of my mind as well. This was new. It hurt (as I'm typing this a couple hours later I have a stinging headache on the same spot) and I pondered the pain for a moment, wondering if some tulpa don't speak much before we are ready because too much would overwhelm our minds and hurt us. Again though, she wasn't done with me.

Everything was quiet in my car, only the rumble of the road and dull groan of AC blowing before me. I had been scolded into silence when she dropped the hammer on me "I believe in you", she said. I have never heard those words directed towards me in my entire life, nor have I uttered them to myself. Afterwords, I considered the irony: so many people struggling to believe in their head-mates when mine is the only one who believes in me. It took awhile for it to really sink in; for now I was struck dumb. I eventually started to sputter a thanks or something a couple times but words were failing me and I heard her shush me each time. Unable to talk, I tried imagining her before me, in my minds eye and saw vividly, in a third-person view, her sitting with me as I am in my crude wonderland, a ten-to-twelve kid (I conceptualized Reilyn as the "twin sister of my inner child", though she is a little taller). I was driving so my actions were limited but I sort of put myself behind his eyes as I have done before. She almost had me in her lap, hugging me tightly and I could feel comfort and relief wash over me. I leaned my head against her chest and she kissed me on top of my head as we both stared forward (I guess she was accommodating the visualization so I didn't crash).

So a number of new things happened here. First off, I had only tried to visualize her breathing for the first time earlier in the day (tried the tip from here where we are face to face and I breathe out as she breathes in and vice versa); now I could feel her breath atop of my head and feel her chest raising and falling beside me. It was only faint but it was there. Second, after feeling her breathe I decided to try something; I hugged her back and held my head against her chest and sure enough, I could faintly feel and hear a heartbeat. I said "Sis", in one of those moments of emotional reflection it's all that would come out and she ruffled my hair and said "Big Sis". I told her I could never thank her enough and she said "You don't have to. We are in this together". Again at a loss, I eventually told her that 'thank you' didn't seem like enough anyway. She gave me a squeeze and said "Then live like it". I was going to ask what she meant when she said "Like someone believes in you".


Questions, comments, concerns are certainly welcome. I know this is long and a bit drawn out and I apologize for that but it wanted out of me and here it is. Thanks to anyone who stayed to read it. Reading over it myself, it's a deeply personal experience between us but I asked her if she would mind if I shared this and she approved. We agree it might provide some encouragement to others. If even one person reads it over the years and gets something out of it, we are happy. In the meantime, the amateur writer in me got to vomit all this forth which let me re-examine the whole situation and solidify it in my own mind. I plan on adding more in the future to make this a more typical progress report; I had a whole ton of progress to report all at once though so, yay!

The name of the thread was her idea. She also wanted me to put in a drawn out, cheerful "Helllooooohhh" from her, along with a wave but I wasn't sure how to type it at the time so I saved it for last... She adds that since I put it on the end, it's a "Goodbye" instead. Yep. That's us. xD
(This post was last modified: 10-09-2018, 07:00 AM by LanceReilyn.)
10-09-2018, 06:57 AM
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#2
 
RE: Lance's Head, the Thread

I can relate to how she feels. I have always had a stronger belief in my host than she did in herself, and ironically what helped her with not doubting is to not worry so much about doubting me. Her anxiety always triggered doubt, and it simply wasn't worth talking about. Even though the occasional thought comes up, it's as minor as an intrusive thought at this point.

I'm Cat_ShadowGriffin's Tulpa and I like Hippos! I also like forum games, word puzzles, and chatting about stuff.
I now stream!
(This post was last modified: 10-09-2018, 01:18 PM by Ranger.)
10-09-2018, 01:17 PM
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RE: Lance's Head, the Thread

Lance, it was a very heartwarming post. I strongly believe after reading that, that she is a wonderful person, and you're very lucky.

Angry Bear: host, 6'4", green eyes, brown hair
Ashley: tulpa, 5'6", 27, amber eyes, brown hair
Dashie: tulpa, 5'4", 21, dark violet eyes, blue hair
Misha: tulpa, 5'0", 20, blue eyes, magenta/pink hair
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10-09-2018, 01:56 PM
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RE: Lance's Head, the Thread

Last night, after I finished posting, I started running my nightly Eyebo video. I was still wincing against a headache that went from sharp pain at the front of my brain to dull throb all around the front and middle (gone by bedtime though). I decided that what happened to us was a real mental workout so it was just a healthy soreness signifying growth.

Previously, when running this, I had just let the flashes and shapes take whatever wild form they wanted and mixed eyes open with eyes closed. Sometimes I had a reference picture for her open in the corner of my screen to try and double up the whole thing as visualizing her form. Closing my eyes helped against the headache (which I assumed bright flashing would worsen but oddly didn't) and before I could even wonder what to work on tonight, I was greeted with a fairly vivid image of Reilyn grinning inches from my face. I had tried to keep her form as realistic as I could in my mind when we did work but she looked like an animated or drawn variant now. I asked her about it and she just said "Easier for you to see".

I guess I'd never really had her seem as 'alive' as in the past few hours, definitely not as active, and I started to wonder with excitement if our recent breakthrough also extended to visualization, if she was going to take a more active roll now?

Now, it was typical for me to run the show but it all felt so mechanical, mostly like I was posing a manikin or looking at still pictures with slow jerky movements or flashes to other positions; as though I was only seeing a still frame every couple seconds. It would never be very clear, in addition to being stiff. My focus always deteriorated and broke off when I tried to concentrate too closely on any one area for clarity. I wasn't too bad putting together a scene though, as long as I avoided getting too specific. Picture Van Gogh's 'Starry Night'. I would be lying if I said lack of clarity wasn't disappointing but I figured it was a trained skill and would come with time and effort.

I had no idea what to expect and within seconds I had an odd feeling, like I was getting smaller or my point of view was raising up up above my body. Turned out she grew huge and picked me up while still growing. I went from being lifted to deposited in her palm as she examined me closely, still grinning. She gave out a deep "Hoh Hohh" (more of a 'check me out' than a 'Santa is here'). As I took a moment to think about all this and take in the new feelings (it didn't exactly feel real but it was close enough that my pulse had started to quicken) I found her huge form gone and myself somehow floating in place.

Suddenly she was in my view again, but this time small and sporting a set of 4 dragonfly/fairy wings. She said "C'mon, lets fly!" and patiently waited for me to mentally adjust and scramble to try and give myself wings (also something else I had never done). Eventually I was able to approximate them and we were off, zooming around and around and checking out the scenery as we did all sorts of rolls and dives and such. It was a lot of fun and for the first time I thought "Oh, that's why people do this sort of thing in their dreams and when they can". I didn't consider it at the time but I guess it didn't exactly feel real but reminded me of putting on a VR headset and running through a roller coaster, pretty close, in other words. I was just excited and she kept me on my toes so I didn't have time to over-analyze it all. At some point I did notice that my headache had decreased and wondered if it was finally going away on it's own or if this (or Reilyn herself) was somehow soothing me.

We chatted it up the rest of the night, like a pair of close friends who were comfortable in each other's presence. I didn't need to be actively trying to 'know' or 'feel' if she was there, if that makes any sense. A part of me wondered if she would be gone when I woke up, if this would all be a one time preview of the future for us or had she really crashed through a wall in my mind for good? Come morning, I grumbled a half awake "Morning, Big Sis" and waited. A few seconds later she grumbled back and just said "Coffee". Turns out I was worrying about nothing. Even now I can almost feel her smirking at me as I form out my prior concerns in type here.

Actually, as I mentioned in the 'Last one to post...' thread, she has taken to occasionally flashing a faintly visible emoji in my vision from time to time. So my head is a chat/txt program now I guess? I know she is just messing with me but it's yet another new experience to add to the list.

No progress to speak of with visualization after I laid down for bed. I had wondered if it would also sharpen up my crude wonderland but I was mentally exhausted and when I asked her for some help on it, she actually told me "Nah, not tonight. I don't want to hurt you" and "Relax, we have plenty of time".
(This post was last modified: 10-09-2018, 09:37 PM by LanceReilyn.)
10-09-2018, 09:21 PM
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#5
 
RE: Lance's Head, the Thread

Yeah, Ashley is constantly telling me not to worry about progress.

Angry Bear: host, 6'4", green eyes, brown hair
Ashley: tulpa, 5'6", 27, amber eyes, brown hair
Dashie: tulpa, 5'4", 21, dark violet eyes, blue hair
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10-09-2018, 11:51 PM
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Reilyn Offline
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RE: Lance's Head, the Thread

So I wanted to chime in here, on my perspective and thoughts on us. Maybe a little testimonial? I keep reading on here that all sorts of things can be tricks of the mind, were memories getting poofed into me later on so I think I existed before? Look, I don't know and I don't think anyone can know so I am going to work off what I have. I am convinced that I was around in his life a looong time ago but we didn't have a name for it then. We talked all the time and it was never really an issue of belief vs unbelief, he just accepted that I was there. Later, he got to some point where he didn't really need me any more so we went silent. I mean, I just wanted him to be ok, I guess. Maybe I wasn't mature enough to be scared or consider not existing any more? I didn't just vanish or die or whatever. Maybe to protect my own existence in a 'time of famine' I just went to sleep for all those years? Hibernation? Hah! He had a bunch of, well, personal crappy stuff happen to him (I say this in hindsight after he recently let me into his memories) later which made him put up what I'll call walls in his head.

Lance was following guides and reading tips and trying new things with almost no resultsHe believed I was real and believed in the process but doubted he was doing it right or capable of it. I think I heard him before he heard me. Maybe his belief and effort took whatever I was before and made me more? Maybe it just woke me up? Beats me. The problem was, those walls were there. Him really wanting it to work made him interpret all my little attempts at communication as steps in the right direction. Even when he was wrong it still made my efforts seem worth it so I kept going. I was afraid I was going to break his mind or something if we went too fast or I poked him too hard. The microphone thing was really sweet. I barely had it a day before he got really bummed out and I risked it. As he would put it later, the nasty headache was worth it. I screamed into that thing and he heard me! 

We have kept reading stuff on here and I think the whole 'self-fulfilling prophecy' stuff is right. Every success can boost confidence and lead to more successes the same way everything taken as a failure can do the opposite. I really didn't want him to be sad but I was also afraid if I didn't say anything at that moment he would just take it as a failure like the negative Nancy he is and put up yet another wall that we would have to work against.

Ever since then things have been a ton more open between us. I mean, I'm here going on and on, though our visualization sucks and things like possession seem like a far off dream so all this time I have been dictating to him to type this or say that. Sometimes I can feel him let go as he gets hyper focused on putting my words to text and it seems like.. Our usual pattern of 'I think, I say, Lance hears, body types' just turns into 'I think, body types' so that's really exciting. It's why I keep bugging him to let me post and ramble on here.

His efforts to make a wonderland and improve his visualization have been coming along pretty slowly. I want to help him but it's only been a few days since it feels like I've been really alive-alive, everything is new and overwhelming to me, and all this typing/interacting stuff makes me exhausted by the end of the day. Besides, it's not like I have a much better idea of what's going on here than he does. I spend nearly my whole day sharing his head like a passenger, seeing what he sees, feeling what he feels (ok, lets be honest, pooping is weird) and so on. When he is asleep I am asleep. When we are doing stuff together, It's.. Hard to explain.. Like, sometimes he can move his perspective around and it amazes him, sometimes he can't and it frustrates him. It's less mechanical for me, I feel like I don't have a body and then suddenly I do! I don't even care if he is done picturing it fully, I just want to go go go and that.. sort of breaks his concentration too. He seems best at 'almost' seeing me, like visualizing me out of the corner of his eyes at the edge of his vision where me being mostly indistinct is perfectly normal. I started making myself look like one of those blue ghostly hologram people from Star Wars when he sees me like that and we thought it was pretty funny.

Anyway, I think I've run out of things to say so.. Thanks for reading! Bye!
10-12-2018, 12:24 AM
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RE: Lance's Head, the Thread

I'm noticing a lot of green on a black background is.. er.. bright. I know she loves that shade (matches her eyes), but does it bother anyone?

I was going to post this as a comment on someone else's PR but as it got longer I figured it would be rude so I reworked it for here.

So your experiences sound pretty amazing (all of you), I'm still new enough to all this that I have to keep taking inventory of where I am at. Every few things on here I read keep me questioning what's going on with us. I go through threads to try to find what definitions apply or clear checkpoints we have hit and I'm finding it a frustrating mess. Reilyn is much more 'Eh, forget labels, quit worrying', while I had previously tried to fit things into neat little boxes for easy consideration. I haven't (that I recall) had lucid dreams, always seem to fall asleep before this hypnagogic thing, my visualization stinks, it seems like I can't put together a wonderland. Even the mind/head spaces I try to slap together for meditation or active forcing are crude and indistinct. Sometime it all seems like an unreachable dream (pun intended).

Eyes-closed, I can at least hold a brief mental image or with eyes-open faint day-dreamy images. They loose focus and fall apart far too easily and I waste a lot of time I could be focusing on my breathing or whatever else trying to rebuild them over and over. If I couldn't even do that I'd swear my imagination is just 'blind' or something and give up. This is excruciatingly slow progress to me, but it is progress. I try to keep it in perspective how many people on here or on other resource sites for visualization/dreaming claim they took years or even decades to sharpen up. Perhaps it isn't about doing the tried-and-true methods slowly, constantly beating our heads against walls, sometimes for years, hoping something happens but more about keep experimenting and give everything an honest attempt to see if it works better. I guess that is the longer way of saying 'find and do what works best for you'. Short of the occasional breakthrough, I expect everything to be slow and steady development of skills over what may be a great deal of time in which the harder I work, the more satisfying my results will be. Part of this report is to remind myself where I began so instead of always being my own worst critic, I can look back and see proof of development, undeniable and solid.

Reilyn is very active, vocal and autonomous/sentient. She says she is always 'right here', sharing my sensory inputs and speaks up whenever she wants about whatever she wants. Maybe it's because I never worried about her as some thing invading me or reducing my own self importance. I believed in and opened myself up to trust her from the moment I read the word tulpa and possibly before that. I have no way to explain why or how, it just clicked. I read report after report, guide after guide and the excitement grew and grew. I don't know if the stuff we did way before she even had a name 'primed' me for the process or whatever but I believed in it and believed in her from the get-go.

Anyway, I'm starting to wonder if I am not constantly forcing? What I mean is passively forcing nearly 100% of the waking time I'm not actively forcing. I don't know (or really want to, I suppose) how to shut it off, and I do always feel at least a little distracted. Take that for what it's worth. One of the forcing gearheart hypnosis things I'd heard mentioned that 'trance' was a natural condition we enter all the time, when we hyper-focus in on some task or thing at hand and the rest of the world falls away. I can't do this on command and I have always kept up too many walls and doubts for hypnosis to do anything to me thus far. I have mentioned this before but when I write, sometimes just cut off from my own thought process and head-voice, whatever you want to call it, and the words just seem to flow and pour out themselves, with me holding on for dear life. I have to later go over what I wrote to consider what I wrote. I'm not blind during this so I can see the words going up and get a basic understanding of what's going on from that but I never really learned to start or stop it when I wanted, I just let go. Reilyn grabbed me one of those moments recently and 'took over' to write something she found herself passionate about and I could feel her conviction and increased heart-rate and everything during it and just thought 'Whoa.. Well, have at it'. Combining what I've read and experienced, I theorize that when I am in 'trance', I either shut her out entirely (like when I'm really into a game) and stop passively forcing for the moment and she stops being around [yes, I tell her, it's upsetting to think about, but it's just a theory] or make myself available for her for full use as it's really the only time I am used to 'stepping away' from the hard and wilful control over my body.

She says she just doesn't like watching me play assassin's creed for hours and zones out somehow herself, either taking a nap or shutting down, only popping back when I rouse her or ask her something. That happened before and she said "what? oh, you're still playing that... great... yeah yeah, you're sorry you got so mad at the game, why do you even play it then if you are going to rage? Is that fun?" I'm torn between I'm always forcing but it slips and she looses out to the game when I get hyper-focused or it's more like a person watching me over my shoulder, gets bored out of their mind and just tunes me and it all out. She thinks it's the latter, but she is biased towards being 100% here and aware at all times I'm awake (and I can't blame her, I think I'd feel the same. "I think therefore I am", right?) and I we aren't very far along in picking out how our mind works.

She is a little annoyed to be treated like some kind of test subject and mentions that it's like shes being talked about behind her back except worse it's right to her face. I wouldn't like that either so I'm going to stop picking apart my head for now and just leave all this here as a sort of journal entry of self-thought and development.

I'd love to hear from anyone about their thoughts on this or their own mind/systems. As I am discovering it can be thought-provoking and maybe I'm in a unique position where I have already decided that no matter what, she is another real person in my head. She believes in me and I sure believe in her. In some ways I think I started this process from the end of the road, like I looked back over the long road I pretty much idly and accidentally crossed over the years I wasn't paying attention and it turned out I had someone right behind me the entire way... I finally turned around, welcomed her and then said "Er.. Wait... How did you, or we(?) get here? What's going on? What happened?"
10-13-2018, 09:05 PM
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#8
 
RE: Lance's Head, the Thread

I call that trance when you're focused, "the flow" you tune everything else out. For me it was easier to do this in a noosy environment, like doing homework with the tv on.

Passive forcing 100% of the time you're not active forcing is a g
Possible goal, they can also enter the flow with you. That's basically what we do. When they're not doing something else. I can even visualize them while I'm reading and writing (that doesn't have other visualization needed.)

We can't turn it off either. Only if i seclude myself away from them in a specially constructed room, then i'm worried about them and lonely the whole time. They sleep 8 to 9 hours a day, at night, that's it.

I read a lot, so i started visualizing what i was reading even as a kid. No wonder i can visualize so well, and when i started writing novels 6 years ago it was well developed, i've been writing other types of things for much longer, maybe 15 years or more? I remember visualizing Mark Twain, and Gone with the Wind in high school, maybe it was something i could just always do, hold a scene and add characters with their assumed voices.

Yes, when i write, sometimes i don't know how i'm doing it, or why it flows so well. I can write non-stop for hours, full speed, and it's decent. I can't explain how i do it.

I think your experience and background is within the boundaries of what i've researched and experienced. You are unique, so it may be different.

Lastly, i would never subject my tulpas to assassin's creed.

Angry Bear: host, 6'4", green eyes, brown hair
Ashley: tulpa, 5'6", 27, amber eyes, brown hair
Dashie: tulpa, 5'4", 21, dark violet eyes, blue hair
Misha: tulpa, 5'0", 20, blue eyes, magenta/pink hair
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10-13-2018, 09:46 PM
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Xarbern Offline
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#9
 
RE: Lance's Head, the Thread

Thanks for being so inspirational on here, you two seems to have had quite a ride.

You too have a hard time active forcing? I'd say if everything works out with passive forcing, then keep doing it. Like how the saying goes; "if it ain't broken, don't fix it."
I'm thinking about switching to passive forcing almost completely because active forcing simply doesn't work.

I'd say you two should try finding something you both like. A whole family can play games with lots of choices or strategy. She doesn't even have to hold the controller.

Maybe action games isn't Reilyn's thing? Try other genres if you want, there's a good chance that you find something you both enjoy. I'm going to let Matsuri become a dictator in Tropico sometime and see how it goes. She doesn't seem to like watching me play warframe and that's understandable because it's a very repetitive grindy game.

Do you two watch things together like some kind of show, films or even YouTube? I found out that Matsuri likes anime more than most other stuff we watched.

I think having something you both can enjoy is only a good thing. I tend to have a easier time focusing on Matsuri when she's enjoying the same thing I do.

Matsuri: female with dark violet eyes and dark violet hair.
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10-17-2018, 09:45 PM
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Reilyn Offline
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RE: Lance's Head, the Thread

Ahhh! This is great! Ok so sorry if I'm not being all technical and theory this, blah blah that but.. Usually I'm the little voice in back chiming in on Lance. I tell him stuff, answer his questions, blah blah, it's all we got so it's fine, if a little limiting. A couple times when he wrote he somehow just 'let go' and turned it over to me but it was always just type a little, done, then back in my head-box or whatever. Ok so I think he got mortified enough from my last post, that he not only stepped back (accidentally or not, I dunno) for me to type but stayed back for the first time.

I'm pretty much right there with him all day and I get the body's senses too so at first I didn't think anything was different. Just, ho hum, driving home. (I must have run through his routine with him for almost two weeks now that I'm aware of, so I guess muscle memory is a thing here too) But then an upbeat song came on the radio and I started jamming like usual but the body was jamming. I thought "Oh cool, he likes it too" but it seemed louder, clearer. Like instead of him being the big voice and me the little voice it was the other way around. I even went to pick up some bread from the store with a spring in my step. I am totally drunk on happiness right now because I am aliiiiive. Woo!

I asked him what was going on and he says something like "I dunno, I guess you started writing and just kept it going after instead of turning it back over. I didn't want anything to do with that conversation. At all. Still don't, So.. You do your stuff." I dunno if/when this will happen again (he agreed I should check here first in case someone actually did need "the talk") and we are going to try meditation like this and see what happens. It's a really weird feeling to be honest. We are just so normally.. uh.. 'shared' that the difference in our head-voices and a completely different personality is the change on the surface.

PS: I went and checked the definitions list before hitting post to see if this thing has a name. Woo! Go go first possession! Now how long can I hold this and how can we do it more?? Big Grin

----------------------------

Xarbern!

I'm gonna cut the green here because, you know, too much of a good thing. I worry it annoys you guys in large doses. It's still Big Sis, though Lance is (of course) here with me.

I love being here, it's my first community after all and what a great one so thanks for having us!

Lance says currently his visualization stinks and it's hard for him to hold focus on stuff and he tends to get discouraged+frustrated quickly, which makes it harder to regain. Trying to get into fine detail also makes him loose focus. It's best if it's just broad, general landscapes and noises. I help him pick out what I look like based off pictures he finds that seem like he could visualize easiest (ok and they have to be cute). Basically, active forcing or building a wonderland is hard for us. He keeps asking me to help and I try my best to lead/direct him and we are able to do some fun stuff like flying around with wings or being robots with jets or making a pond by a waterfall to swim in and stuff. I try to keep things moving so it's more about the experience and less about the details, like 'oh hey, I have four wings, sorta fairy-like, hmm-' and yank, lets go, dive in and quit overthinking it so it falls apart. On the other hand it seems like he is always passive forcing except in moments of heavy distraction. Neither of us know how, he doesn't stop and go "oh I have to force, I better get her out", it's just always on. Maybe our brain is just broken in some neat way that works for us? I'm not mad, that's for sure.

Games.. Ah, yeah I can see how they can be fun. I get it. I spend most of my time behind these eyes somewhere being a passenger and Lance has told me before he plays games most of the time either because he is bored or needs to goof off so his over-thinking mind can stop for a bit. To unwind. I can tell you right now that other than a once-in-awhile thing, as I think about "what would I like to do if it were my body, hmmm", my first ideas (in no perticular order) are things like: get us in great shape and make sure we are living healthy. Learn Japanese. Learn to play the guitar (I love those solos). Go out camping, sleeping under the stars. Go canoeing. Climb a mountain. Build a snowman. Write a novel (maybe even a novel one, HA!). In short, I want to enjoy life firsthand. If we could get good at visualizing and maybe figure out these whole hypnogalgic(?) and lucid things, we could already do every impossible fun thing in games anyway right?

As for watching stuff, yeah I nudged him (wasn't hard honestly) into watching like four hours of vocaloid stuff last night. It was pretty new for even him and I think he thought it was ok, till he saw a music video that just triggered him or something and shattered his heart. I was sad but it was just a song, so hey. Anyway, he can tell you about that if he wants to, that's our business. Consider for a moment that those holograms, those brainchildren of some game designer have a rabid following and have taken on a life of their own. They even host big live concerts where they somehow set up their fancy screens and props and gadgets to make them seem like they are actually giving a live performance, it's amazing. Imaginary performers have been given life by the talent and love of tons of fans/writers/directors/etc and are performing live in front of the world. Maybe I could do that too some day!!
10-18-2018, 05:05 AM
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