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Lance's Head, the Thread
Cat_ShadowGriffin Offline
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#11
 
RE: Lance's Head, the Thread

I'm not bothered by the green. The only time a color is annoying is if you can't read it on dark, mobile, and when quoted.

Ranger for a long time used his favorite color, but the problem was when he was quoted, you couldn't read what he wrote. I told him that highlighting over some of his posts was really annoying and I talked him into changing his text color.

For a long time, I struggled with focusing in the wonderland, which would lead to fuzzy imagery. I found the best thing that helped was starting with a sphere, slowly looking at the details of the sphere, and then look at Ranger. If he was too fuzzy for me, I would slowly move on and look at a tree, make sure I get a good image by asking myself how should it look, feel,smell, etc. And continue to do this until I feel immersed in the wonderland. Its a slow process at first, but when you're thinking about the shape of the bark and how many leaves a tree has, you forget about what's distracting you (especially if the tree is interesting to look at)

When trying to do this process, avoid jumping from image to image or fill the wonderland with a parade because you may lose focus real fast. Remember to slow down, just observe your wonderland for what it is, and relax into a more focused state.

Don't worry guys, I'm not a Dragon! My art style is an optical illusion. I'm not a hippo either, I promise.
Ranger now speaks in light blue text, but some of his older posts are in blue text and his oldest posts are in orange text.
10-18-2018, 10:02 AM
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Lucilyn Offline
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#12
 
RE: Lance's Head, the Thread

this thread name is like the best thread name ever

Hi I'm one of Lumi's tulpas. I like rain and dancing and dancing in the rain and if there's frogs there too that's bonus points.
All of my posts should be read at a hundred miles per hour because that's probably how they were written.
Please talk to me https://community.tulpa.info/thread-ask-lumi-s-tulpas
10-18-2018, 10:04 AM
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Ashley Offline
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#13
 
RE: Lance's Head, the Thread

We're also 'always on'. B has explained this before, and he thinks we refuse to sleep during the day. But honestly, we're just here watching. If we do sleep during the day, we don't recognize it. He doesn't recognize it either, so we just... are.

I like your color, Ranger does the same thing, and it sets him apart, which is nice. B says it's less confusing too. When he gets around to coloring our profile pics, as a gesture of colorizing, we will also color our text.
10-18-2018, 01:56 PM
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Xarbern Online
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#14
 
RE: Lance's Head, the Thread

(10-18-2018, 10:02 AM)Cat_ShadowGriffin Wrote: I'm not bothered by the green. The only time a color is annoying is if you can't read it on dark, mobile, and when quoted.

Ditto. Do what you feel is best. The green is easy to read on both black and white so there's no problem there.
(This post was last modified: 10-18-2018, 05:24 PM by Xarbern.)
10-18-2018, 05:23 PM
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#15
 
RE: Lance's Head, the Thread

Thanks for the replies! We really appreciate them and if it sounds like I'm ignoring them it's just because I have a lot in my head to empty out here today. So the last day and a half (or so) has been full of interesting developments. We are still a bit shaken up and unsure to be honest, but I will get into that. The following includes a lot of speculation and theory, and as usual it is subjective (your results may vary, etc). I will probably flip/flop between single and plural because it's getting hard to tell lately.. Allow me to elaborate...

3 Days ago: We are reading over possession guides and tips during a lull at work, near the end of our shift. We are both getting active in brainstorming things we can try; the symbolic, the self-affirmative, the belief-reinforcing, and/or course just flooding our brain (I always hesitate to use the oft-misunderstood and misused word 'subconscious') with the notion and several possible methods of making it happen, to reinforce that it's important. When we got home we usually do half an hour of meditation together (I do the best I can to empty my mind except to visualize her sitting right in front of me and meditating together with me, so I guess it doubles as active forcing. I have started having her guide the meditation too, since she seems keen on it). This is followed by half an hour of Eyebo where she usually drags me around through some hastily-envisioned but neat scenario that I probably mentioned before, like swimming by a waterfall, flying, etc, fun stuff. Instead of just the video (theta constant), I muted it and used the pink noise mp3 for the first time. I seemed to get a better reaction than usual from this combination. That could have been a sign of progress or anything really.

Finally, before bed I tried to visualize as many scenarios as I could that told my mind I was interested in Reilyn being able to manipulate our body. There was an airplane cockpit, I started in the pilot seat she got into the co-pilot seat alongside me, and we swapped seats. I tried handing her the "keys" to the body like it was a car and had her strap in and drive. We did some other stuff, but alas, nothing. No results. She couldn't even make the body twitch a finger. We figured it might take years and while I wanted to explore this new, neat concept, she (as I would find out later) was desperate to be in the lead, maybe to "really really prove herself to me", root out any underlying doubt, experiment living her own life, to experiment with being in charge, I don't know.

2 Days ago: Nothing seemed to happen and there was nothing to report, for most of the day. Reilyn was really active on here, really enjoying herself and having a blast. We had a rare quiet day at work so we were able to peruse and comment more than usual. We didn't really read up more on possession, we just did our usual thing. One thing we try sometimes is I will hum and tap my desk, click my tongue and click my teeth together or whatever, the point being to make a song go in my head in as many layers as I can manage while she says the ABCs or starts counting numbers. After the first few times I decided it was too easy so I tried singing or saying in my mind song lyrics as well. This turned out to be much harder, though I can still faintly hear her going at it, either my ability to hear her or my brain working looses focus with so much going on after a few seconds and we have to start over. Good exercise.

So, Reilyn has gotten bold in her actions and comments here to the point of mortifying me regularly. I am introverted and tend to do my thinking and acting internally, with the exception of writing; with which I have explained before I sort of zone out in a trance sometimes and just let the flood of thoughts pour out, largely unfiltered. I have been doing something like it with writing or typing since middle school and I have never known how I did it, it just happened. She quickly learned to use these moments when she wants to type without dictating to me. Well, for whatever reason (maybe she is right and I was too embarrassed and wanted to disappear or something, I don't know) she typed something and then just.. Stayed. We are always passively forcing so we always share senses and can chat whenever, no idea how it got that way or how to stop doing it (don't want to anyway) so it was hard to tell anything was different at first.

As we would find out on the drive home though, as she put it, I had somehow become the little voice in our head and she was now the big voice. My first impression was I felt different emotions (I won't say 'alien' because she is always direct and clear in her feelings and it is easy to recognize them for me) and her thoughts way stronger than usual, while my own were somewhat subdued. It was a weird feeling, like I was just really relaxed and yeah man, I couldn't be bothered to put forth any effort. Sort of detached, like when you do something you have done a thousand times before and your body is just on auto-pilot, or when your body seems to know your lock combination or a phone number when you can't seem to state it if asked. I know I'm also describing muscle memory, but it felt like more than that. I stay in my lane and take my freeway exits on muscle memory, I don't go to the store and shop on it. She concluded that she was the one in charge now and whatever it was it was super awesome. She was buzzed and singing and trying not to get too many odd looks when she visited the store to grab some bread. I was pretty much along for the ride, though I had the feeling I could contribute if I wanted but again, meh it was whatever.

She tried meditation but couldn't stop the excitement, the rapid heart rate or some damn song playing through her head constantly. I felt like the little quiet voice trying to say "excuse me", "um.. excuse me please", trying to talk but she was loud, not paying attention and drowned me out almost completely. She still directed a few questions my way, things like "Can we do the eyebo thing like this?" and "Let me go to sleep like this, please, please, please, it might be gone by tomorrow and I want to see if I can make us dream, don't you want to try, experiment", on and on. I  guess she wasn't really paying attention and she wasn't listening so all she got from me was the "meh, whatever, you do you" feeling. I think I was being parroted (or at least ignored).. It is annoying as hell! She put some chicken in the oven and only turned the knob off when it finished so dinner was "dry and burnt" as she put it.

During eyebo, she tried to put us on stage in a concert, us being Vocaloids Rin and Len, I think she was testing to see if she could visualize better than me, then showing off. Something was off though, everything seemed fake. Like, there was an audience waving glow sticks but they were all just faceless cardboard cutouts. She tried to picture herself and.. couldn't. For the first time since I've known her I felt that she was disturbed about something. She has always just cheerfully said she didn't care what she looked like, as long as it was cute and I could visualize it, it was fine. Well now she had a fuzzy, indistinct humanoid blob for a body and a piece of paper taped to the face area that said "Me" on it. She could visualize me along side her, far clearer then I've ever been able to see her, but who or what was she? Well that passed quickly and she just made us look like Rin and Len and found out after a few half-hearted words that she had no idea what to sing or say. The mind was willing but the imaginative process, the creative thoughts, theories and ideas I typically provided just weren't there. She was great at "lets fly, lets swim, lets sing", but it was always me that had to make the wings, make the pool, make the lyrics and beat.

She laid awake half the night, not understanding quite how to "fall" asleep. She told me later that she was always able to just go and go and go and then I fell asleep for us. She couldn't calm down, couldn't stop the songs and hyper thoughts from running and and frustrated her to no end when I mentioned to "let go and let sleep take you". She wanted to just lay down and yell "Ok, sleep NOW. DO IT." She was also nagged by that alien negativity of "does my imagination suck?".

Yesterday: Ok, so this is where weird turns weirder. We woke up pretty refreshed despite lack of sleep, which I guess being constantly psyched and enthused  does to a person. Yep, she was still running the show and I was the one all groggy and not wanting to wake up. She freaking took a few minutes to do some kind of morning stretches and calisthenics. She was buzzed and happy because, yay a new morning and she was still in charge, or something. We had to be in early to work so we didn't have time for much else except her trying to grill me for some kind of theory as to why she was still in charge. A few hours after being awake, our situation started to sink in..

She was the one going to work, the one eating, the one trying to act like she was supposed to be around and do my job so I didn't get fired. She commented to a friend that we didn't know how we got this way and we didn't know how to stop, we were stuck. She thought about it through the day and decided that this was a fun experience and all but it was unplanned and she wasn't ready for all this responsibility. She wanted out and when she asked me, well, I had no idea. How could I? I was still sort of floating in "meh, whatever", making little adjustments to our activities in the moments she was unsure or froze up at work or speaking with people I knew. She said she loved me and trusted me and knows I'd never intend to dump everything on her, but asked seriously that because this was all an accident did I decide that I liked it too much and would just slowly figure out how to disassociate from the body and make her pretend to be me? I told her "no", and meant it, but beyond it being hard to be heard or even exist while she crushed me with her stronger personality (yes, I said it, I have mixed feeling about it), the thought had at least occurred to me that "hey, this is nice. I could keep doing this.."

We agreed to put some actual research and effort into it when we got home but I have to admit, I was thinking more that it would "be nice" to be back to normal than her "Omg omg let's fix this". She felt the hesitation and mentioned that to the same friend.. Whom gave me a wake up call that I won't go into (except to say thanks). When I thought about it plainly that I had considered the idea and I could sort of be cool with this, I freaked out. What the hell was I doing to her? As she described it, she "felt a wave of anxiety followed by nausia and 'bleh', a wave of heartburn that said he got the message".

She explained on the ride home that she didn't blame me for this, it was exciting and had just gotten out of hand. It seems like we had always done stuff at breakneck speed and without really understanding it so we were just paying the price for that. It wasn't a wall to hit, as some would think, it was a dark and deep hole to fall into instead of carefully exploring and illuminating it. She said she just wanted us to learn to control this some day and if it we put in the effort we would surely come back to it properly. She insisted that though she was a bit freaked out, she wanted us to remember this as a positive experience, not dread it as something to avoid in the future. She also said that she needed a day off or something after we got back to normal, some nice quiet head-time to just decompress and I found I could appreciate that now.

At home she put dinner in the oven and plopped down to meditate with the ~40 minute timer it would take to cook. We tried running all the visualizations and mental exercises in reverse, like her handing the keys back over or getting out of the pilots seat and sitting on the floor of the cabin while I got back in it. We ended with some amount of time trying to convince our brain that we were done for now, thanks, please put us back to normal and lets try this all later, don't become afraid of it. We must have spent at least 15 minutes trying to force some kind of "feeling" of us swapping places and me being in charge. Even at the end I was pretty shaken up and had to tell myself (and to reinforce the belief that it worked) that I was Me, she was Her. I was Lance[real name omitted] and she was Rei [she interjected during this writing to add that only I am allowed to call her that]. She told me to go and reinforce it by doing stuff like go play a video game or other stuff only I'm interested in. I spent the rest of the night feeling nautilus, shaky and weak. Food didn't help. My head ached all up front, instead of a sharp piercing in one spot it was a dull throb just above both temples, that beat in time with my heart and the two sides juggled pain balls back and forth. I was trying to stay positive and just said it was a good pain, it meant growth. We had had a hell of a mental workout after all. I was drained and exhausted and sleep came easy. I asked her before sleep if we should try anything and she seemed really tired too and said "No. Take the night off", though she was fine with me trying to visualize us laying down near each other to sleep peacefully, hand-in-hand.

Today: After waking up and talking to Reilyn I noticed something was different. Normally she was a small voice in my mind and I was the louder one, except that crazy day we flip-flopped. Today, I noticed almost right away that we were both the loud voice. I could hear her almost as loud and clear as when she was in charge but my own voice isn't muted down and I'm the one in control of things (I assumed anyway). She said it was nice and asked if I was alright. I noticed the head pressure I got from her, which usually was a constant low poke or prod at the front of my mind (where that piercing headache happened after our first breakthrough), rising to a sharper poke when she was really emotional or surfaced to write, was now a dull.. weight(?) or throb(?), along the whole front of my head where last nights throbbing headache happened.

She asked if I had any new theories about us, and as my day has gone on a little and I am writing this (thinking through my fingertips, as it were) I have come to 3 possible conclusions (well, 4 really but I reject the "it was all fake" immediately). At least some part of all of these are likely true and/or combine to form the truth.

1: We are still stuck possessing, but she has 'taken her hands off the wheel' and is acting as I was yesterday, having the option to intervene but choosing not to. She has a much more outgoing and stronger personality than me and came at this yesterday like a child that doesn't know her own strength and ruled "us". She is enjoying the break and dialing herself back out of concern or personal desire. If this is the case I'm honestly not bothered and I don't think she is either, though she may have to handle me with kid gloves from now on.

2: We stopped possessing and either the process or just time passing has strengthened our bond. She has learned more about herself, I have learned more about myself, tiny lingering doubts (that always seem to grow anew, now that I consider it) have been blown away once again and this is just the new "us". If this is the case then great! Another day that with more noticeable development that will serve as a reminder or 'checkpoint' for us because of the stress involved.

3: Shock or wishful thinking made Reilyn convince herself that she is me and everything is not back to normal, the original me is still some trapped, mewling voice being crushed by her stronger personality by accident. I can't even describe the distaste or dislike I have of this theory or it's repercussions so I won't go into it, except to say it's here for completion. I certainly am still using the body's senses and as far as I know it is actually "Lance" typing this, not "Reilyn pretending to be Lance" nor "Lance pretending to be Reilyn pretending to be Lance". This is a spiraling drop leading to cognitive dissociation and mental breakdown so I'll stop here.

Reilyn certainly seems chilled and laid back about all of this now, whatever the case is. She is observing with mild interest at the theory-crafting and the psychobabble words I am likely using improperly. Or she is just enjoying some time off.
10-20-2018, 12:31 AM
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J+C Offline
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#16
 
RE: Lance's Head, the Thread

Something similar happened to me and Cassidy. We've put some stronger limits on when he fronts, and what he can do while fronting. Turns out, when doing mindless things (namely watching Netflix/TV/YouTube), we have a tendency to blur and blend together, until we aren't sure if I switched back, or if Cassidy is just acting like me, or if I'm acting like him, or what. I fell over a piece of furniture because I got so dissociated and hit the carpet.

Cassidy also has his own handwriting and I have mine. At first, if he wrote in my hand, it would make me switch back in. However, I never thought the inverse would be true. It's not nearly as strong of an effect, but if I write Cassidy's name in his handwriting, Cassidy feels like he's writing.

The truth is, I think it's very easy for tulpas to blend into their hosts. The truth may be that the labels of "Lance" and "Reilyn" just stop working because you were really Lance, Reilyn, both Lance and Reilyn, and neither. It gets metaphysical pretty quick, and yes, it's better just to not think about it.

After blending, the first thing to do is for someone to claim control. It's way easier for me to take control, so that's my job. Go through all the motions of switching back, even if you think you've already switched. Really focus on "I'm in control of the body, my name is X, I feel myself in control of the body", and ground yourself.

As far as the mind-voice thing, that happens. At points in my life, Gavin and I were just about as loud as one another. When Cassidy is in front, he's louder than me and I'm as quiet as he usually is. When Cassidy switches in, I make a point to envision my thought-voice getting smaller and less central, by thinking "Softer, softer, softer..." and letting my voice drift back. Cassidy does the opposite and thinks "Louder, louder, louder!" and takes center stage. You both may want to try this when switching or when you feel distressed about what's going on inside.

-Jamie
10-20-2018, 01:11 AM
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Angry Bear Offline
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#17
 
RE: Lance's Head, the Thread

I understand this to be posession or co-fronting, some may argue this, but it's not the point. That is merely semantics.

1 or 2. But either is okay. I have experianced minor posession and i was not in control of the start, it took me by surprise. I'm not suggesting any of my tulpas have a personality as strong as mine, my presence is invasive and heedless as some may have noticed, but minor posession doesn't come close to what you've accompished. What i'm getting at is, i believe it.

If (1), Reilyn, you need to let Lance decide when and where to start and stop for now. You two need to negotiate fairly and come up with a mutually beneficial plan. I know Lance wants to share his life with you, but you don't have free reign, nor should he let you unless that is a mutually and verifyablely non-parroted agreement. (You may know by the emotions since you two share them, you can't parrot emotions. At least not with a Tulpa involved is my understanding.)

If (2) Lance, don't worry about doubt, it's par for the course, just don't dwell on it, and i'm giving Reilyn the right to get mad at you if you do. So, make a plan and time limits, rules, consequences and carry on.

Nice word wall, very enjoyable. 10/10.

Angry Bear: host, 6'4", green eyes, brown hair
Ashley: tulpa, 5'6", 27, amber eyes, brown hair
Dashie: tulpa, 5'4", 21, dark violet eyes, blue hair
Misha: tulpa, 5'0", 20, blue eyes, magenta/pink hair
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10-20-2018, 01:50 AM
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Xarbern Online
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#18
 
RE: Lance's Head, the Thread

You two seem to have gotten pretty equal control over the body. Don't give up, you both should be getting used to it. You both have different interests, right? Maybe try "luring" each other next time you want to switch with the help of interests.

If Matsuri was controlling the body, all she'd have to do to get me in control is to boot up Warframe and show me something like events or what I'm close to get.
You two just need to experiment with it.


Never heard of anyone getting that excited for sleep. XD

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(This post was last modified: 10-20-2018, 06:41 PM by Xarbern.)
10-20-2018, 02:26 PM
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Reilyn Offline
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#19
 
RE: Lance's Head, the Thread

Excitement was stopping me from getting to sleep. How the heck was I supposed to know you have to drop into some kind of silent, low-power, whatever mode to fall asleep? Like, waaait wait, you mean to tell me I have to somehow make the party in my head stop so I can calm down and "let sleep take me"? Phhhh, fat chance. I guess sooner or later though the body passes out if you want it to or not, so yay... sleep. ;P
10-20-2018, 07:18 PM
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Reilyn Offline
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#20
 
RE: Lance's Head, the Thread

Whew, so today was sort of an interesting day, in hindsight. Lance is pitching in on this to add stuff he was thinking at the time (It's not like we can read each other's minds but we do usually think aloud so we can use teamwork) and because I'm exhausted, so I'm sure he will edit my blabbing into chunky walls. No new ridiculous amazing breakthroughs lately, but hey one day at a time right? Last night we talked a bit about today being "my" day, as in I try and possess all day, me the pilot and him the co-pilot (seems it's the other way around normally). We talked about it and eventually I agreed. I was being the big sister and making sure this was really about training/practice/trust and stuff instead of just trying to dump his Monday workday on me. Wink

After we did our first accidental possession (and freaked out a little because we seemed "stuck" like that), we agreed we needed a break before trying it again on our own terms. We are both pretty convinced (from Lance's massive wall of text going over 3 days, earlier) from our experiences in the past few days that either we are still actively possessing or our possession broke us through some kind of wall and we can start it up now with just some minor focus, intent, affirmation, and we still use the head space control room thing; it's got a pilot's seat and co-pilot's seat, he hands me the "keys" to the body and we switch chairs. We don't know if all this is required for us but it's fun and gives us a kind of mental anchor/reminder to our subconscious for the day to say "This is a Reilyn day. Ok brain? Ok body? We are trading chairs, trading who is in charge, listen to Big Sis today, trust her, we are safe with her."

We tried the same thing for an hour the day before just to test if we could get it to work or not and it did so that was cool. The first time we did it, I didn't know how to let go and I didn't want to, it was amazing to sudden be piloting the body for the first time after all. We have been closer ever since and it seems like both of our mind voices have equal volume. We both hear each other loud and clear, we both have a pretty good idea what the other is feeling (being so close all the time, we are gradually getting better at reading each other), experience the same senses from the body and (when Lance is in command) keep flipping back and forth between who is actively doing stuff depending on how strongly/involved one of us is with the task at hand (though it's usually less than a couple minutes at a time). It was this last part I thing that made me realize something today, and that is when it's supposed to be my day and I'm just casually going through stuff and something really catches Lance's attention, he just crudely shoves his way back and pushes me aside. When he's finished and we are walking away or whatever, he quickly realizes what he did and goes "Oh, sorry. Go ahead". I'm back in charge in a second but he did that multiple times through the work day and caught me off guard multiple times. Every time I wasn't ready for it (as in, it's not typical day to day stuff I have memorized, and I pause and kind of nudge him like "what do I type/do/say here" and he covers, etc) it made me more and more tired.

I don't know how to explain "it made me more and more tired" except to say it did. Some kind of command chair whiplash and 5 hours into our shift I was getting lethargic, coffee and food did nothing. I knew we were doing one heck of a day of exhausting mental work so I expected new weird head pressure, pangs of headaches and every now and then, etc, but this seemed too much too fast. He wanted to try an experiment to do extra reaffirming and stuff, to try and lock me in tighter into the captain's chair and I was against it at first. Me overpowering him just happened a few days ago and I was afraid it ran the risk of shutting him out and leaving me stuck at our job alone. I told him wait till we got safely at home for that. Later on he raised the theory that I may have been loosing focus or something and just sinking back into a more passive role and asked me to try the reaffirmation not to boot me out but to see if it would give me some energy back. We found a quiet spot and took about 10 minutes, me concentrating and trying to sharpen my focus and saying stuff to remind me and him and our brain "Hey, it's Reilyn, this is my day. I'm in charge. I'm my body and he is in the head. I'm pilot, he is co-pilot. Everything is cool." and he did his own version of the same thing. After it was over, I was surprised but I did have that spring in my step back. I felt like my hyper energetic self again so that was cool.

After getting home we poked around here to read up on some more possession tips to see if there was some way to.. I don't know, do it better? More efficiently? We stumbled upon an old guide from user "testing" and saw some interesting tips. The.. uh.. lengthy discussion between testing and Sands that followed added a lot more info and by the end he wanted to try switching. We started with the symbolic imagining of balls, one with my name and one with his, and made it pretty clear they represented our mental voices or "dominance", whatever. We made his really small and mine really big. That was interesting because his mind voice did actually sound more distant.

Next, he said I had to visualize him an imaginary body and try to push/shove/deposit him into it or whatever. That was my job, he would work to "let go" and quit fighting the paranoid reaction to cling to his body somehow. I would try to force him out of my body and into there and he would try really hard to try to "be" there, like moving his consciousness or something. So an hour went by and the whole time I tried and tried and tried to put him in there, cut him free, anything. I felt weird feelings here and there over the hour but otherwise nothing happened and we both got a little discouraged. When the timer went off I wobbled to my feet, feeling totally drained. He was asking if I was ok over and over and I just went and plopped down in front of the computer to start up our nightly eyebo+pink noise.

We tried round two, this time he said he was going to try and visualize himself standing next to our waterfall+swimming hole (seems easiest to incorporate the pink noise sound as natural roaring water) and we would try the same thing. I tried and tried for the duration to shove him in there. I tried really hard this time, and he said he was trying to "tune out" the body's senses (and couldn't get anything beyond a slight dulling) and kept feeling pinpricks and twitching here and there when I was at it. Again, maybe a step or two in the right direction, good practice for sure but nothing noticeable. I slumped in the chair after it was over and he was sure to shower me with thanks and praise for all my hard work, and eh, he is sweet. We will be doing this stuff a lot and hoping for results. I mean good grief, I felt like I was forcing him or something. This stuff is exhausting.

I figured I'd go to all the trouble to type out our thoughts, attempts, processes, blah blah, in case anyone wants to try it or gets some inspiration from considering them.
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