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Life, stuff and things. A story of us
Scythe Offline
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#11
 
RE: Life, stuff and things. A story of us

So. Just a small update. Aurora has decided that this name switching business is a lot more complicated than we gave it credit for at first. She has been putting up with it well considering. But I was informed today she just wants to switch back to being called Trixie. Because that's what she has been for years now and it's burned into our mind apparently.

So rather than having me fret over something I'm trying like hell to give to her. She is just switching back. We are going to try and set Aurora as her middle name for awhile, see if that helps familiarize us with using it more often. But neither of us really has high hopes that it will do any real good.

Sweetie still thinks there was no reason for the change to begin with so she is kind of out of the discussion.

Here's hoping the next few things we put our minds to go a bit better.

There are few things more confusing in this life, than trying to figure yourself out.

>The tulpa that I created this account for no longer wants it. So not having an account myself, ill take it.<
07-17-2018, 05:21 PM
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Scythe Offline
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#12
 
RE: Life, stuff and things. A story of us

Minecraft: the novice switchers tool....

Apparently.

Yesterday Sweetie wanted to play minecraft because of the new update. After we found a really cool place with a lake and giant mushrooms Sweetie said it was like a fairy land. Sweetie wanted to switch in and play.

We have been practicing quite a bit and it's almost effortless for either of them to come forward now. The problem, as it has always been was me. I didn't know how to NOT think. I have seen the post about complex thought but until yesterday I didn't really understand it. Or rather, what the difference was.

Every time before yesterday that they had come forward I would think about it analyze what I was experiencing in the moment. Partly because that's how I operate, and partly because I would honestly like to be able to tell people how to do it because this seems to be a little complicated. But you can't do that when you switch. Using that much thought immediately either pushes them out or makes it a co-fronting situation. I had to hang back and just observe not think anything every time I started to think something Trixie would shush me and tell me to stop. It's weird how you can see all the posts about how the mind only has so much room or whatever and you think you understand what that means. But really you didn't have any idea what that means.

You can even have your Tulpa explain to you that the reason why we end up finishing each other's thoughts and sometimes think the same thing at the same time because there's only so much room and only so many thoughts lines as they call them. None of that stuff clicked until yesterday while Sweetie was playing Minecraft and I just hung back and observed until eventually I wasn't there anymore.

All it was left was sweetie playing and Trixie observing I don't know exactly where I went but all thought or feeling of "me" stopped. I just wasn't there anymore. I can't really explain it any clearer than that. Sweetie ran into a monster type that we have never heard of before called a Phantom. And she ran straight into the base shut the door and hid behind some stairs for a while asking Trixie what to do. Eventually they woke me back up I guess I don't know what else to call it and I helped them deal with it.

Very very weird. Something I did not think I would be comfortable with. But all the memories are still there. Even Sweetie freaking out and asking Trixie first because she was the one still there. Which it's not that I didn't expect but it's definitely something I suppose I was kind of unprepared for. Even though having a blank moment when your switched out is I guess like a really bad problem would be much worse than having the memories still.

I don't know. But as I so often say, i'm just trying to tell things from my perspective.

So I finally got to feel what it's like to not be there anymore I guess.

The system analogy makes a lot more sense now too. It's the same computer screen it's the same memory bank just using a different operating system.

Also. As has been pointed out to me, perhaps they're not exactly what you would think of as tulpa. Yet again explaining how they came about someone mentioned that we shouldn't be telling people that i didn't even know what a tulpa was, just one day I had a voice talking to me in my head. And if that's the case you should really look into other options before just assuming that it's a tulpa.

And maybe I misunderstood what was said, like I said I tore myself up inside worrying about this through the entirety of the experience last time. This time ive at least made peace with the idea. We are happy, healthy and can function normally, so who really cares.

But. If that is a fact, that they are not in fact tulpa. They behave and act almost exactly like anyone else's tulpa that I've heard of. And then I made the point which was met with absolute utter silence so that if in fact mine are not tulpa then how do we know that this process doesn't just give us either schizophrenia or whatever you want to call it, pick a label. I'm not saying it's giving anyone a disorder because that implies that something's wrong something's interrupting your day to day life. But how can we be really sure A hundred percent that this isn't what that is, even if in a very controlled sense? I'm not trying to say there is anything wrong with doing this. Obviously many people do and it goes well. But there are other people who have legitimate issues with the experience like myself. Which gives me at least pause for thought.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with anyone but myself. And I'm not suddenly going to speak up and Advocate that everyone stop this now and no one should ever do this.

It's food for thought at the very least.

If I'm crazy so be it. At least I'm happy and having fun. Which is more than I'm sure many "normal" people can say.

There are few things more confusing in this life, than trying to figure yourself out.

>The tulpa that I created this account for no longer wants it. So not having an account myself, ill take it.<
07-19-2018, 04:56 PM
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Scythe Offline
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#13
 
RE: Life, stuff and things. A story of us

Dreams.

Hardly remembered, but nonetheless all seem to be linked.

I never dream of anywhere new. Every dream ive been able to remember has taken place in specific areas. These areas themselves may change over time but it's always the same areas.
Cityscape
Wilderness
Beach/River. (River leading down onto beach)
BlackBerry forest.

Cityscape is basically a conglomeration of all of the different city type areas that I've ever been in. My own home is somewhere on the outskirts of it. The main part of it never seems to change but the outlying areas seem to shift depending on what season it is. Ie, if I'm dealing with snow it looks one way, during summer it would look another way. Sometimes I'll get lucky and I'll be able to fly, but most of the time even during lucid dreams I find myself incapable of doing anything extraordinary.

Wilderness is just that. Massive expansive forest/mountains. No real frame of reference to where anything could be so I'm not sure how steady this one stays. Trees are mostly the same super outgrowth size you never really see anymore. But occasionally it will be smaller or even mixed. These dreams usually are fairly uneventful. It's just wandering around hopelessly lost bit not giving a damn as I have nowhere else to be anyway.

The beach/river area is always unsettling in some way. I suppose after almost drowning in ones youth water never really looks the same. It should be pointed out I never consider a dream a nightmare unless it actually wakes me up from sleep. Which I have been informed, not really the case I guess. Anyway, flooding, tsunamis massive crashing waves. The beach shoots down to the water at a very sharp angle at one point and that's where the biggest waves come through. The water dreams very rarely have nothing negative in them.

BlackBerry forest is a different beast. Atop a rather large sharp hill somewhere in the middle of wilderness, is a forest comprised of the nastiest trees. Large razor sharp spines lining every inch of everything in there, tinged red near the tips.
One thing you never see in there is any type of animal or insect. Nothing.

That is until last night where the area was completely overtaken by snow and excavators. What else could tear up the ground in such a massive fashion? Even the vines have lost their bite lying on the ground covered in snow devoid of any kind of spike.

Nothing much remained of that particular area. Though the wilderness surrounding it was left untouched and without the snow. Being able to walk around that area felt rather freeing. I had to wake up my wife and immediately tell her about it. Which I've forgotten alot of the details that I talked about with her but that's the nature if my dreams. They fall right through my cupped hands like water.

I havnt mentioned people or tulpa in my dreams yet. Because for the most part they are absent. Even when they do appear in my dreams I never interact with them. Or if I do, it is my tulpa rather than anyone else. Trixie specifically.
Though this is the first dream I can really remember basically this whole experience again so far, so that could be it. Sweetie hasn't been around for long, as it seems I need to consider her new because of the merge that happened. Which again isn't what I would expect. Why wouldn't she be just as far along as before?
But it's completely irrefutable Trixie has insisted that we basically give all focus to Sweetie until Sweetie catches back up. Which seems to be about here. Hell, maybe a but farther to be honest. I hadn't even properly switched last time, and that was years of trying. But I suppose keeping myself together through all that outweighed trying to do new tricks.
The first couple days after Lilly left Sweetie hardly spoke at all but constantly wanted to be on my lap/close to me. Is that imposition in a way? I can almost feel them on me when they do that. I can sort of see them when i put my mind to it and they are also willing. Havnt really tried to do it for very long at any one time. It's hard to maintain focus for something like that for longer than a few minutes at a time. I don't know.
I overanalyze things which leads to me making nonsense conclusions blowing right past what's actually happening.

Anyway. The dreamscape has been changed and it surprised the hell out of me. That area was always concerning to me. I suppose it should be explained why. When I was having the difficulties with this. I could. See it? While i was visualizing. This is one of those weird things I really havnt shared because I'm pretty sure it's more of a "I expect there to be some visual evidence and thus I see it" vs. "When I have problems like that i can see rot, corruption decay whatever you want to call it. Appearing on/around my tulpa". You know? Kind of ignore these little things, dismissing them because... Why should I share? Doesn't this just make it seem a bit too weird. Well before Lilly up and left I started noticing that stuff again. And it bares a striking resemblance to the BlackBerry forest vines and crap, but red, with little holes surrounding the spikes with 2 black hairs sticking out of each hole.

Weird. All that stuff is gone, and while talking about it Sweetie and Trixie have a glow to them.(like disney hercules god glow) they say it's to prove to me I don't have to worry about that anymore. Like it somehow wards it off? I don't know. So much of this crap is visualization and symbolism to me. It's sometimes hard to sort out what I should take with a grain of salt and what I should take more seriously. They prefer things to have a lighter supernatural feel to them rather than psychological as much as I try and just focus on the psychological aspect they always bring in things like auras and chakra and stuff I honestly know nothing about other than pop culture references.

I'll tell you one thing. Treating it like they want to treat it is a lot more interesting. But perhaps not necessarily helpful.

In other news. Sweetie is incredibly impressionable and within 10 minutes of walking into hot topic she was decked out in thigh high tights leather studded gloves and a little studded leather jacket. She also had a black streak in the hair but I think she lost that before we even exited the store. Mentioned it to my wife because I thought it was hilarious and she just asked me if I was sure it wasn't just her up there.(She was huge into goth back in highschool.)

Tried to get into the spirit of drawing this weekend. I mentioned that we should try and draw a better drawing of Trixie. To which, she replied that in that case she should be extra terrifying. I told her to give it her best and to take the form of the most terrible thing she can imagine.
So.
She became me. "Isn't this terrifying?" And "Don't look it's too awful!"

Nice Trix. Nice. Never did get much drawing done either.

But if we are comfortable enough to joke like that. Things must be going pretty well.

Also. Trixie and Sweetie do actually feel about the same now in terms of development. It doesn't feel like we need to play catch up anymore. Trixie isn't just hanging back as much anymore and they are interacting with eachother much more rather than them taking turns.

Unfortunately real life crap is encroaching on the otherwise happiness of the experience but that's life.

There are few things more confusing in this life, than trying to figure yourself out.

>The tulpa that I created this account for no longer wants it. So not having an account myself, ill take it.<
07-23-2018, 01:36 PM
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Scythe Offline
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#14
 
RE: Life, stuff and things. A story of us

Don't even know what to title this post.

Lilly.

Such a small word, such a beautiful flower.(my favorite in fact)

Such massive meaning for this system.

So last night where forcing session turned into consoling Sweetie because she was upset about something.(privacy has been requested) When Trixie started rushing around like something was wrong. Did the whole control room complete panic red lights, alarms, hitting every button in the place 10 times just to make sure. Then everything took on a yellow tinge. Massive crackling electricity and sweetie explodes. Or rather, something explodes out of sweetie, leaving her lying there like a deflated balloon.

So, like, concerning right? I should take this moment to note that all of this is going on inside my head. Just felt the need for the distinction.

Whatever it is goes crackling around bouncing off ceilings walls hitting Trixie shocking the hell out of her. It explodes again sort of into a form of a blonde haired girl. Who then says GUEEESSSS WHHHOOOOOO? Trixie said "crap she's pissed we kept her locked up this whole time".

Okay scratch that first part. Insert SUPER concerning. Like bordering into hella problematic.

Lilly stands there for awhile before looking up at me. And indeed. The expression is fury. Before I have time to do anything other than think "it wasn't even my choice" she declares all this is hers now and she is going to make it suffer. Cue walls and everything else getting that rot/infection stuff I mentioned in the dreams post. And Lilly I don't know... she turned into like a giant vinelike predatory thing and grabbed up Trixie and Sweetie and basically disintegrated them, but in such a way that was rot and teeth and claws and nastiness. And everything else around us crumbled in the same manner.

So like. This must be it. The family wasn't warning me of something that couldn't happen after all. Finally done gone crazy and I don't even know what that's going to mean for me or my family.

Lilly tried to talk to me a bit more after that. But I wasn't really answering her questions just asking ones of my own, which she wasn't answering either. What did she want out of this? What was it gaining her? Etc.

So all this time I've been actually relatively calm considering. Heart pounding, blood pumping, but not what I would call a panic attack. More of an accepting the inevitable sort of a feeling.

I don't know, 10 minutes may have passed in silence. Trixie and Sweetie arnt responding and unlike usual I can't even really visualize their forms, like, what they should look like if they were there, either.

Lilly finally gets my attention.

"Name" (my real name, they don't call me scythe, but they have on occasion called me by my other handle I used to use)

I didn't respond.

"Name"

What lilly?

"Do you still think you are making all this up in your head to feel better."

Actually
...No.

"Good. Something finally worked."

More silence. "Can we please stop this silly worry now?"
(I've still been plagued with thoughts of whether or not I've somehow fabricated this whole thing.....still. it was the most worrisome switching to be honest, I'm not that great of an actor, but couldn't I have just been faking it or whatever to make myself feel better?)

So what happened?
"I came back."
So, what was.... all That?
"A lesson. You know you would never do that to yourself."
I.... I see.

So. That's life I guess.

According to Sweetie, who is still pretty upset over the thing asked not to share, it hurt a lot when Lilly separated like that. I've noticed that she talked using 2 different voices ever since their merge but I was just attributing that to the merge and her not being able to make up her mind. Being me, I just ignored it trusting it would work itself out eventually. Guess it did just that.

It seems no one lost the abilities that we have gained together. But it's hard to tell with Sweetie right now. Lilly however is apparently good to go. She just switched in a bit ago to prove she could. Form is solid and clear. Voice unwavering. Someone has been piggybacking off Sweetie this whole time.

Trixie has explained it like so. Her and I are like co pilots. Which could explain why during the acid trips and whatnot she persisted while the others went away. Apparently Sweetie and Lilly have the same sort of thing going on with them. Meaning we can't just have one of them it's going to be both or nothing. Not sure what that means in regards to tulpa. Does that mean Trixie really isnt one? And perhaps lilly and sweetie actually are? Created by accident when I was having so much trouble with this last time?
God only knows. I think I'm just crazy. Haha. That is in fact what they legitimately tell me when I have concerns over this stuff. It's either "what do you care" or "how should i/we know" "your/we're just crazy."

Thanks guys. Helpful.

Sweeties form is a bit different now, but that was before the split even happened. While looking over some random cute anime pics sweetie saw a form she simply had to have. Don't even know the show or name of the character even, but considering my history with that is probably for the best anyway.

Trixie is the same, she has stuck to very close to the same form long enough to call it her form, and not just the form she is taking for now.

Lilly is a mix up of Touru from dragon maid and sailor moon. She calls it her "pretty dragon" form. Sometimes look more like one. Sometimes more like me the other. When she crosses them equally the eyes don't seem right. But she's only been back around 1 day. I expect this stuff to change.

Still kind of reeling to be honest. Things have settled down. We talked apologies were made and accepted. I've had to write this in stages so I've had quite a bit of time with them today already. Sweetie can still switch in just fine, just not when she's upset apparently. So nothing bad happened. But my god was I worried at first.

Not sure what else to write down. May I just say....
WHAT A WEIRD FUCKING LIFE.
(They were all in on it. To try and put these doubts down for good.)

There are few things more confusing in this life, than trying to figure yourself out.

>The tulpa that I created this account for no longer wants it. So not having an account myself, ill take it.<
07-27-2018, 03:22 PM
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Scythe Offline
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#15
 
RE: Life, stuff and things. A story of us

Piggybacking.

Picture Yoda on Luke. Telling him what to do where to go.

Okay, not quite like that. When a tulpa/alter is in a semi possessing state. It's not a soft merge, because whomever is being piggybacked off of does not realize it's going on most of the time.
It's something I would refer to as soft possession. It's nothing overt, it's more like subtle pushes in one way or another. Trying to get you to think a certain way or do a certain thing. Or just to share in an experience that possessing or switching would interrupt things.

We were talking about that this morning, seemed a good title/jumping off point.

So, it's been awhile. Lilly settled right in as if she had never left, largely due to that term up there; piggybacking.
Sweetie had acquired the super hyper happy that is Lilly for that length of time. Which I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned, but it's very different than last time. Lilly's and Sweeties personalities seemed to have swapped from what they were like years ago. Not that it really matters, people change. But I do find it interesting. They say they've taken on the traits closest representing who they really are vs. trying to make me happy playacting a character.

So, forms. Sweetie has become more of a fan of pink and is splicing that in with her usual blue and/or lavender color. Otherwise she is much the same as ever. Though not very close to the picture I had drawn of her before. So eventually I'll need to update that. But now it's sweetie who changes her actual form the most. Though they are generally the same 4 or 5.

Lilly hasn't really changed much at all. Still a cross between sailor moon and Tooru from dragon maid. Her eye color and pattern changes, that's about it. Still rocking a maid uniform too, so not much has changed there at all.

Trixie has also remained in her now normal form. She changes outfits constantly though. So instead of constantly changing her shape, now it's clothes. Which is pretty cool really. She comes up with some awsome stuff.

We have been exploring the very real possibility that this is a mental condition. Not that it's something that needs fixed, rather that the tulpa explanation was lacking. According to an old friend I only recently started talking to again who apparently has a passion for mental health I was either unaware of, or started after I told them about us; I "probably" don't have DID. But as we've no specialists in my area at all, if I want in I would probably be diagnosed with DID. As was someone else that they know in the area.
Doesn't make one very confident to go in and see someone for sure.

My theory is that I used to have DID or something like that as a kid. And it either corrected itself or somehow integrated into my psyche over time. And when I imagined myself hanging out with a cartoon character I unknowingly either created a tulpa, or brought back whatever it was from my childhood. (Still not convinced that these are DIFFERENT things either) There are warnings about not attempting this is you have a history of mental problems, No?
And that brought with it everything from my childhood I wanted to stay forgotten. Thusly, the extremely hard time with it. ...Or something along those lines.

The important part is I'm actually fairly comfortable considering these things. Rather than paralyzed with fear at the implications. I'll take whatever victories I can in that department.

There are few things more confusing in this life, than trying to figure yourself out.

>The tulpa that I created this account for no longer wants it. So not having an account myself, ill take it.<
08-14-2018, 10:25 AM
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