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Tulpa Community Census 2018

Maggie and Devin
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#11
 
RE: Maggie and Devin

Devin is two months old today. It seems like his development is stagnating -- or maybe it's just too slow for me to notice. It's possible I'm simply expecting too much spontaneous activity, when maybe I should still be supplying some mental effort to animate him.

There have been some minor changes to Devin's form which I didn't consciously initiate. He has some thin, light hair on his legs, incongruent with his apparent age of "about 12". Perhaps the next time I get my legs waxed, I'll wax his legs. As for head hair, it's not as long as it was before, now only hanging down to his cheeks. Also, I would now describe the color as "dirty blonde". Lastly, Devin has acquired a set of small fairy wings. They're minimally functional, mostly allowing him to hop and float to sit in high, out-of-the-way places as necessary.

I'm getting a little better at maintaining Devin's presence, and unlike TV, we can experience music together without me getting distracted and him disappearing.

Maggie David (she or they, birthday June 4)
04-03-2018, 01:36 PM
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#12
 
RE: Maggie and Devin

Maggie: Friday and Saturday we had some confusing experiences with Devin fronting. He took over my vocality while I mostly maintained control of the body. We're really not sure if we were eclipsing, proxying, blending, switching, or some combination of those. Shared memory definitely makes it difficult to tell ourselves apart sometimes. Like, I basically remember the experience from Devin's point of view, which I did not expect. I mean, I guess it was my POV too, but it was Devin speaking… or at least, his thoughts I was translating… or, he was speaking but using my language skills… see? Confusing!

And I still have this "or maybe I'm just pretending everything" theory that just won't die. But I have various reasons to think either I'm not pretending anymore, or it just doesn't matter if I am.

Devin: Maggie worries too much. And her body is big… Maggie doesn't want me to say more about that, lol. Hey I guess we're kind of doing this thing again right now. Too bad I'm out of things to talk about.

Maggie David (she or they, birthday June 4)
04-10-2018, 10:17 AM
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#13
 
RE: Maggie and Devin

It seems easier now for Devin to front like described in the previous post. When he does, my face feels different, like more relaxed, and I think my eyes own wider. Sometimes it starts to happen involuntarily, and I'm not sure if that's Devin wanting to front, or insignificant noise. So far, Devin's best communication seems to be through my voice (or typing) to the outside world, particularly when fronting.

Devin now has his own email, Facebook, and Tulpa Forums accounts. I'm not sure what else there is to say on that subject.

Maggie David (she or they, birthday June 4)
04-16-2018, 02:56 AM
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#14
 
RE: Maggie and Devin

The other day, Devin was fronting and talking to my therapist for ¾ of the session. I think I might have actually gone inactive for some of that time, the way Devin is inactive when I'm not thinking about him. Does that count as switching? Of course, when I returned, I could remember the conversation as if I'd had it myself, and didn't have any memory of being anywhere else during that time, so it's kind of hard for me to take this as clear evidence that Devin is a real, separate person. When I came back, it was because Devin was having trouble maintaining contact with the outside world, and probably somewhat fatigued. The transition was a little rough, though, like there was some kind of snag. I wonder of visualizing us in the the control room while resuming the front role might have allowed a smoother handoff, but I've been slacking in wonderland visualization lately.

When I try to engage in forcing without Devin actually fronting, I have difficulty thinking of things to say to or do with him, and he doesn't really come up with much either. I'm starting to feel like I'm really not good at tulpamancy / not a good host.

Maggie David (she or they, birthday June 4)
04-28-2018, 01:34 PM
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#15
 
RE: Maggie and Devin

Putting Devin in front is getting easier, but also less obviously real to me. Similarly, I'm getting better at hearing Devin's thoughts when he's just in my head, but it's rarely obvious that those thoughts aren't coming from me. If he speaks with words, either in our head or to the world when fronting, he still borrows my vocality to do it.

I wish I knew how to let go of the doubts.

...I think Devin wants to say something, but I don't know what. Which strongly suggests he doesn't know what he wants to say, either. Let's find out...

Maggie David (she or they, birthday June 4)
05-04-2018, 06:11 AM
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#16
 
RE: Maggie and Devin

I oughta smack you, Maggie. But in a loving way.

I'm here. I'm me. Hey stop, let me think.

Sometimes Maggie has trouble giving me room to be me when I'm fronting. Sometimes I talk like her, or her thoughts get mixed up on mine. I think I'm getting the hang of figuring out when that happens and blaming her for it. No, Maggie, I'm not gonna erase that part again. I don't care if it sounds more like you than me, or like I'm mad. You're overbearing sometimes. But I know you're doing your best, and your best will get better. We're fine.

Ahem.

I tried to join a Facebook group for lgbt teens. It's been a bunch of days and my membership wasn't approved. In the screener questions I was honest about my literal age, my personality age, and Maggie's literal age. I guess technically I'm to young or too old for that group by any of those three ages, though if they rejected my because of Maggie's age, that seems unfair. I did, however, successfully join a generic "make new friends" group, even though one of its questions said they'll instantly ban anyone without a real photo. (II explained in my answer why that's not possible). However, this group seems like it's full of grown ups looking for dates. And then there's a Nickelodeon group I joined where most of the posts are one guy welcoming new members. I haven't properly introduced myself in either of those yet. But at least now I have some places to be social and not see the same people and posts that Maggie sees.

Uh, gotta go. Railroad guys are getting in Maggie's van.

Devin (he, birthday February 3)
05-04-2018, 06:29 AM
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#17
 
RE: Maggie and Devin

Well that was a bit unexpected. Which is good, I guess.

Maggie David (she or they, birthday June 4)
05-04-2018, 07:01 AM
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#18
 
RE: Maggie and Devin

I've had a bad cold for the last week. Devin fronted a bit when I was out with friends last Saturday. A day or two later I convinced him to front to check Facebook, but my cough was pretty bad by then so he had trouble thinking and didn't want to stick around.

He hasn't been around since then.

Maggie David (she or they, birthday June 4)
05-12-2018, 10:09 PM
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#19
 
RE: Maggie and Devin

Maggie wanted me to post here for some reason. She's watching Star Trek right now. Hey, I guess we're doing pretty well at multitasking at the moment. Or, okay, at least.

She's been taking some new medicines to control seasonal allergies for the last week, and her cough has gotten a lot better. This has allowed her to give me some mental energy from time to time, so I can exist. But it's mostly been late at night when all our friends are asleep. I was kind of bitter at her for that, but I guess she doesn't have much of a choice because of her job. When she's invited me to front, I haven't really wanted to do anything. It's like I'm depressed or something.

A couple days ago, when it was my time to check social media, I was somewhat bothered by Maggie frequently recalling the memory of having sex with ... Dad? Ed? I'm not sure what I want to call him right now. But yeah, that had happened several hours earlier and Maggie kept bringing up the memory, and it's not like I'm not curious about sex, but I don't really want to think about /them/ having sex. They're basically my parents, so that's kind of ew. Or, at least, I think I'm supposed to think it's gross. But I'm not sure that's it. Maybe I just don't want to be familiar with how sex works, what it feels like. And if we're being honest, if I don't want to have sex or romance, that avoids a really unpleasant issue with Ed. So maybe it's best not to poke at it so much. I feel weird about the whole issue, though. Like, I'm slowly discovering things about myself, but mostly it seems like what I'm discovering just happens to be what's most convenient for Maggie? But then, maybe it's just this one thing that's like that.

I guess I'm out of stuff to talk about, so, uh, ... see ya.

Devin (he, birthday February 3)
05-22-2018, 10:02 AM
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#20
 
RE: Maggie and Devin

I'm bothered by a paradox. Devin and I share memory, so it doesn't make sense for one of us to know something the other doesn't. Yet, sometimes the best way for me to find out how Devin thinks or feels about something, is to let him front and speak his mind outwardly. It seems right to say I'll never be Devin, but after he fronts, I remember the experience just the same as if I'd been the one driving. As far as I can tell, his perception of the experience is the same as mine, but he's better at identifying the difference between his thoughts/actions and mine, and he seems to form opinions that may differ from mine.

Wait, is that one paradox, or several?

Maggie David (she or they, birthday June 4)
05-22-2018, 10:28 AM
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