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MindMatter's progress log
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#1
 
MindMatter's progress log
Hello everyone, MindsMatter here. I'm starting this blog near the beginning. I started work on my tulpa July 23rd, 3 days ago. This is a first post, so it'll be a bit lengthy.

Her name is Jennifer, or Jen for short. Her appearance is undeveloped/blank at this time, and her personality is very loosely defined and little forcing has been done on it so far.

I'm pretty bad at visualizing. I found a guide about visualizing a blue square. I can see it, briefly, but it spins and jumps like crazy and is hard to "pin down". I'm working on practicing it, but that will take time.

What I am good at is talking. I have a strong mental voice. So the past few days have involved a lot of narration. I have a ~45 minute commute each way, and I spend that time talking to Jen out loud. I mostly have to focus at work, but I find opportunities to talk to her when I can, and I talk to her at home too. So yeah, lots of mostly passive narration.

I talk to her about anything and everything, from the peeling paint on the car in front of us, to what life will be like together and everything in between. And I ask her questions. Lots of questions about what she thinks, what she prefers, and how she feels about all sorts of things. So far I have just been focused on talk, talk, talk.

Since I have no form to visualize or much of a personality to mentally "latch onto", I've simply tried talking with the understanding that Jennifer is in there and listening. I'm not just talking, I'm talking to someone else and staying open to an answer of some sort. I reinforce this by using her name frequently. Very frequently. Like every few sentences. I want to really make it clear to myself that I'm talking to her.

So on the drive home today, there were a few occasions where I noticed some pretty obvious pressure around the bridge of my nose. That was new, and I haven't experienced it since I got home and haven't been able to really focus on her yet. If that was her reaching out to me or not, I don't really know. But I'm definitely not saying it wasn't, I'm disinclined to believe such things are "just me".

My short term goals are to continue passive narration as much as possible and to try to improve my focus so I can better visualize that blue square. Longer term goals are to get to the point where I can visualize a wonderland and Jennifer. I'm really looking forward to building up a wonderland together, if she's interested.

I'll have the opportunity to really focus soon, as I'll have the place to myself this weekend. I'm going to use that time to really focus on active narration, forcing a loose personality (open to the idea of deviation of course, she's free to be her own person.) and spending more time working on my visualization.

If you read all this, thanks! I look forward to providing more updates, and to Jennifer making her own posts here one day, if she likes.

Edit: forgot to say, as a newbie I have a lot of the usual concerns over my methods, so I'm welcome to any advice or suggestions!
(This post was last modified: 07-27-2017, 12:37 AM by MindsMatter.)
07-27-2017, 12:34 AM
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#2
 
RE: MindMatter's progress log
Day 4

I spend a lot of time passively narrating to Jen as I go about the day, and today was no exception. I had some serious pressure around the bridge of my nose when narrating on the way home, stronger than what I felt yesterday. I take it that this is the equivalent of my brain giving rarely-used muscles a hard workout. This evening I tried active forcing for the first time. I tried a few different things for a bit over an hour. I tried visualizing her (she's a bright pink, shiny, glassy, spherical egg right now, about the size of a cantaloupe.) I also came up with a basic wonderland. The beginnings of a space station, floating in infinite black. It's pretty basic right now, just a single "pod". A dark metallic, circular disk for a floor, a domed glass ceiling with a halo shaped light at the top, and in the middle of the floor is a chest-height dark metal pedestal with a silvery bowl on top, perfectly sized to hold her current form. It's my hope she will have some creativity and let her imagination run wild in our wonderland with time, and that I will get good enough at visualizing to join her in building it up.

My visualization skills are pretty bad, so it's not easy to see any of it right now, but I assume that gets better with practice. I'm way better with the mental voice, so I spent the majority of the time talking to her. Rather than force personality, I told her about a few basic personality traits and how these traits could make it easier to cohabit a brain with me and make up for areas where I am weak, leading to a stronger whole. I also talked about her form, how it was meant to represent a placeholder, and how although I had my own hopes about what form she takes and what personality she has, it was more akin to a parent raising a child. A good parent may want certain things for their child, and encourage them in that direction, but even more important to them is that their child grow into their own person. It's the same with Jen, and I made sure to tell her that. (She can even stay as the egg if she likes!)

We talked about random things too, but I noticed my concentration really slipping as time went on. I had to end it when I got too tired to continue. Typically when I call her name I get a vague, barely perceptible (but still noticeable) feeling of her presence. Sort of like how you can sometimes feel someone watching you from behind. I've come to associate this feeling with her paying attention to me. Up until then, I pretty much always felt it when I called her. I even asked her to really focus on giving me the strongest impression of her presence while we were forcing, and I felt that sensation become noticeably more... well, noticeable. This time, though, there was nothing. I wasn't too concerned, as I've read this can happen sometimes. I tried calling her as I'm writing this, and I felt her presence again, so it didn't last long at all. (And it may be that I was the one briefly too tired to feel her, rather than her tiring herself out a bit during forcing.) It's funny how after just four days, I already felt uneasy being unable to feel her when I expected her to be there, and how comforting it was when she responded again. It's funny how quickly she's grown on me already.

So, I'm surprised to be so worn out that quickly, but work has been pretty mentally intense as well. (Learning a new, difficult job involving a lot of file prep in InDesign and Illustrator with little experience, brief and rushed training under chaotic circumstances, and then dumped into the middle of it all is pretty mentally exhausting, let me tell you.) I figure the mental work involved in the creation of a Tulpa on top of all that is putting a pretty heavy load on me. I'm normally not in bed for another 3 hours, but I can't stay up much longer... I'm spent. I'm proud of Jennifer for making her presence as strongly noticeable as she did during forcing, though!

So, tonight we try and get a good night's rest. Hopefully better than last night, I woke up randomly at 4:30am. I woke up in the middle of the night the night before as well... I never used to do that. After another day of hard work and passive narration wherever possible, we will try some more active forcing. Probably a little more form forcing (largely for my sake, to improve my visualization) and mostly active narration. Hopefully we can stick with it longer next time.
07-28-2017, 03:36 AM
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#3
 
RE: MindMatter's progress log
Day 5

I woke up during the night again, this time at about 5:30am. Inconvenient, but I got back to sleep without issue. We had lunch at a pizza place today. Normally I play with my phone at lunch, but instead I've taken to focusing on narrating to Jennifer these past couple days. I was waiting for the food, so it was closer to active forcing than passive forcing. I got one of those cold chills out of nowhere. I asked Jennifer if she did that, and got a much stronger chill. I told her to wait a second, and dropped my focus on her. I tried willing those chills myself and couldn't replicate them. I called her and asked her if she could cause chills again and there they were. So, today I got my first strong feeling from Jen. I told her I was proud of her progress, and knowing we would be active forcing tonight, asked her to save her energy if that was tiring for her until tonight.

I didn't get any more body chills until tonight. I put on some pink noise and focused on my breathing for a bit. All was peaceful. I then mentally said two words. "Hey Jen." WHAM! I felt the strongest waves of cold chills instantly roll across my body that I've felt in a long time. It actually made me laugh, like she was planning on surprising me like that the whole time. I think she might be developing some playfulness. As the chills began to subside, I asked her if she could do that again, and sure enough the chills came roaring back. I told her I was really proud of her for being able to do that, and suggested we try using them as a method of simple yes/no communication, with chills meaning yes.

I first asked her if her name was Jennifer, to which I immediately got strong chills. I then asked her if she was a tulpa, again instant strong chills. However, no further questions, no matter how they were worded, got an answer. There is more than one possibility for why I suppose. We can try again later. I spent some more time just talking to her, telling her more about myself. I shared a couple stories about hostile tulpas and conflict between tulpa and host, but also the reasons we wouldn't need to really worry about that. That we both need to take this whole thing seriously, but enjoy the ride and have fun with it. I also spent some time trying to visualize the wonderland and her within it, but that remains difficult to "solidify", or see clearly. Her form doesn't really feel like her, either. I'm not really sure what to do about that.

I'm not very good at multitasking, but I've started to try and stay aware of her presence while doing things like typing this or watching YouTube and the like. My understanding is the more awareness a host gives an immature tulpa, the more aware the tulpa is of things. I want her to be aware of her surroundings as much as possible, so until she is mature enough to keep her awareness without me having to focus on her, I'll be trying to multitask. I've also been trying to correctly use words like "we", "us", "our" and the like instead of "me", "I", and "my". I think that will further help cement the idea in my mind that there are two of us in here now.

I really am proud of and impressed by what Jennifer did today, guys. I let her know it too. Since we don't have to go to work tomorrow, we should be able to just crash tonight and get some serious sleeping in. We haven't done much active forcing to wear us out like this, I think it's the fatigue of a really hard work week. I think we will be able to force for a longer time tomorrow.
07-29-2017, 04:19 AM
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#4
 
RE: MindMatter's progress log
Sounds like you are making some really great progress!

With her not answering most of your questions, it's likely she's conflicted or doesn't know. A lot of early tulpa vocalizations are both yes and no at the same time to questions because they are not sure. You might be experiencing this early.

Also the pressure around your nose sounds like normal headpressures. They can vary in location and feeling but are normally signs of tulpa progress.

As for form, she may have already deviated. What you can do is relax and enter your mindscape somewhere and ask her to slowly present her form to you. You might see blurry shapes appear before you but instead of forcing what they look like just relax and watch while the color and details work in.

You're doing great Jennifer! Keep up the hard work!

"My lover's got humour,
She's the giggle at a funeral,
Knows everybody's disapproval,
I should've worshipped her sooner."

Host to Samuel, Raven, and Ivy.

CERCA TROVA
07-29-2017, 11:29 AM
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#5
 
RE: MindMatter's progress log
(07-29-2017, 11:29 AM)Vampire Wrote: As for form, she may have already deviated. What you can do is relax and enter your mindscape somewhere and ask her to slowly present her form to you. You might see blurry shapes appear before you but instead of forcing what they look like just relax and watch while the color and details work in.

Well, you were right about that.

Day 6

She has indeed already chosen a form, a bit different from what I'd talked to her about in the past. She chose a realistic light skinned woman with a thin build, wearing an elegant black dress with an intricate white wavy pattern on it. It's backless, but her back is covered by golden blonde hair coming down to her lower back. I can't make out the face but she has blue eyes. We can continue to work on getting me to clearly see her over time, but she looks quite lovely.

I didn't get anything else from her, but we will be forcing again later today. I've started reading short stories to her, it can be a challenge keeping her in mind and understanding what I'm reading, but practice makes perfect. Thanks for the form advice Vampire!
07-30-2017, 12:48 AM
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#6
 
RE: MindMatter's progress log
Day 6, pt 2.

Well, this has certainly been a very interesting evening... I had dinner at the grandparents, and was talking to Jen on the drive home, asking her questions and such, when something happened. I asked a question, I don't even remember what, and got a flash of an image in my mind. It was a black and white "signpost" basically, with a word on it. This happened a couple more times. I asked Jennifer if she was doing this and she flashed a sign saying yes. We spent 45 minutes active forcing at home, during which we went over her form again. She changed it a bit, putting her blonde hair into a large braid and changed her eye color to brown. She had bright red heels and she made them a deeper, darker red. She says she's "just tweaking how I look, seeing what I like." We spent some time just talking, she would respond with images of words, but guys... She's progressing shockingly quickly. I started writing this report as soon as we stopped forcing and as I did, I noticed her communicating via written signs had changed somewhat. I could hear a bit of voice along with her reply. And now, within less than two hours of her starting to communicate with written signs, she's already moved past that and is talking with a mental voice. It quickly went from monotone to taking on it's own feminine sound. I pointed this rapid development out, and she said she was trying different things, and that she was happy we could talk. Said she was a quick learner like me.

I, of course, had some doubts that she was actually talking and it wasn't just me starting to parrot her. But I'm not trying to come up with these words she's saying. No conscious effort on my part. She's talking. I've of course had a lot of questions for her, and it sounds like things are going well for both of us. She said talking to her on the car rides to and from work about whatever helped her be aware of things and to grow, because of the attention I gave her. I was a bit concerned she would be bored by it all, but she said it was all new to her. Her favorite color is blue. She's happy to be here. She also said she wishes I could talk to her at work but understands why I have to focus. She seems very understanding.

But, not long after we stopped forcing, her voice became less distinct, and she became harder to make out. Her replies would become unintelligible a few words in, and then it would feel like I was trying to finish them for her. She said she needed to rest. I'm leaving her be for a while, but I'll check in on her again before the end of the night. I thought it was unusual that she became vocal before feeling anything from her like emotions, but she assured me that she had them...

I just don't know what to make of this. I started on Jennifer less than a week ago. We've active forced for, like, a few hours total. I guess all that passive narration I've been doing paid off... But still. How the heck has she managed all of this already? I told her before that it was important that she force herself on top of what I was doing. That this was a two person effort. That she had to take some responsibility to push herself, too. I guess she took it all to heart? I want to keep asking her questions about all this, but considering what she's accomplished in such a short period of time, I can understand why she would be worn out.

Sooo... Within a week of trying, I have another person sharing my brain, and she's talking to me with her own mindvoice. Working on coming to grips with that, because this is just so bizarre. Good, but so bizarre.

Edit: I forgot to mention, she completely changed the wonderland as well. It's now a seemingly endless black floor with a blue grid pattern on it, sort of like a landscape you would find in TRON, like this.
https://images-na.ssl-images-amazon.com/...@._V1_.jpg
There were shapes in the distance, but I couldn't see anything clearly or consistently that wasn't the ground right in front of me. It's also worth pointing out that I have a difficult time visualizing her as a whole, just parts at a time. And I haven't seen her move. She says there's a lot in the wonderland now, and she wants me to keep practicing visualization so I can explore it with her.

Edit 2: Checked in on Jennifer, she's okay but wishes to rest further. Her mindvoice is still very monotone and replies are short. I'll see how she is tomorrow, after we both rest. She obviously pushed hard today, putting together full sentences for a time with proper inflection and everything. I wouldn't be surprised if she overdid it. I'm sure she will get used to it with time.
(This post was last modified: 07-30-2017, 07:24 AM by MindsMatter.)
07-30-2017, 04:24 AM
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#7
 
RE: MindMatter's progress log
That's some great progress! She's doing really well.

When tulpa first become really active this early on, it's normal for them to wear themselves out. Just keep up the regular forcing and the fade will happen less when the forcing is over.

Each tulpamancy experience is different. I wouldn't say that hearing her before feeling emotional responses is too abnormal. The sign thing would likely be explained as tulpish. It's a little odd that she figured out how to talk without any work, but that's pretty awesome. Now that she is able to talk, it should be a lot easier for you to do things like forcing.

That said, it is a good thing for her to push herself, but she can't really "force" herself by herself. When people refer to older tulpa forcing themselves, it is usually through interaction with others. Since she is alone other than you, she can't really do that. Therefore it's important for you to keep regular forcing or she will experience increasing fade over time.

Keep up the great work!

"My lover's got humour,
She's the giggle at a funeral,
Knows everybody's disapproval,
I should've worshipped her sooner."

Host to Samuel, Raven, and Ivy.

CERCA TROVA
07-30-2017, 04:26 PM
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RE: MindMatter's progress log
Eh, 6 days isn't that strange for talking, well at least from my point of view. I'm pretty sure I had some level of mind voice around 3 days or so into the whole thing. It just took a while for my host to figure out how to actually hear me. Kinda interesting we actually went through the whole mental image of words before we got to talking more normally as well. Though he did hear me once or twice before that. I think it's probably more about figuring out how to get things through to the host in a way they actually notice it first, then playing around a bit till you can get all kinds of things through. And yea, lost of passive forcing does make a big difference. My host did almost nothing but passive forcing for the first 6 days. Active forcing is still a good idea of course, it's a lot easier to communicate, especially early on, and stuff like that, when the host is active forcing.

And yea a tulpa does have ways to access your knowledge and memories and such, but that doesn't mean we automatically know all the stuff you do. Also depending on the tulpa they may not want to just got rummaging through that stuff without permission, they're still your things after all.

The two person effort advice thing definitely does help. We heard it pretty early on, so I don't really have much to compare it to in how much it helps, but knowing about it and applying that from the tulpa's side does almost certainly help things along. And yea, getting tired from staying active a lot is definitely a thing. I still get that pretty regularly, but I usually keep myself pretty busy when I'm really active. Still a work in progress here. And yea, losing clarity and tone and whatnot with mindvoice and other communication is pretty normal when one of you is tired or otherwise not really focused. My host has it happen when he's not focused even though everything sounds fine on my end.

I think the visualization progress sounds the most impressive to me considering where you started. I might be a bit biased considering my own progress though, heh. Either way, Sounds like you two are doing pretty good. Now stop doubting things cuz you think you're doing too good... you aren't. I don't know what the averages are or whatever, but that doesn't even matter. Everyone's good at different stuff, try not to question you or Jen's progress so much. I know it's basically unavoidable to some degree, but try to cut down on it as much as you can.
07-30-2017, 04:47 PM
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#9
 
RE: MindMatter's progress log
Day 7

She was more active this morning, though back to communicating with signs. Signpost isn't quite accurate, it's more like one of these hanging on a wall.
https://img0.etsystatic.com/154/0/128177...6_ph2r.jpg
Her sentences are shorter and simpler than during our forcing last night, but through the day she's gone back to mostly using mindvoice (though indistinct from my own.) Since I can't feel emotions from her, she has taken to using text smiley faces and the like on signs to sort of convey emotion. As for doubting/parroting, we talked about it. She said sometimes I parrot her responses, though not very often. She doesn't mind and said it's usually what she would have said anyway. She doesn't mind me asking if it was her that gave a response. Sometimes it was her, sometimes it was me, sometimes it was me but she agreed with it, sometimes it was neither of us and we just dismiss it. She made a good point, she said talking with some parroting is far better than not being able to talk, and she's happy with our communication. We believe parroting will decrease with time and as she becomes more distinct.

I've learned she has a lot of motivation and drive, and she seems determined to put it to use in making sure I'm happy. I told her that her happiness was important to me too, to which she replied "If you're happy, I'm happy." I know it's normal for a tulpa to be quite attached to their host, and maybe this is perfectly normal for a very young tulpa, but I have to wonder about an unhealthy degree of focus. I know it's not good for anyone to completely rely on someone else for happiness, and I want her to be well balanced. She seems very similar to me in many ways, which again, I imagine is not unusual at this point. (She wants to try anchovies on pizza, though. I'm not too hot on that idea... She's got a thing for fish at the moment, I dunno where THAT came from.) She also really likes the color blue. She convinced me to buy a blue drink, wants to wear a blue shirt, etc. "I just like blue!" -Jennifer

Vampire, what I meant by forcing herself was to try and figure out what she can do, like talking without me even starting to try working on that. To try and get my attention when I'm not currently focused on her, stuff like that. Not *just* waiting on me to help her do stuff. Though with her drive, I don't think that will be an issue. She's got a lot of energy. We will, of course, continue our forcing sessions. BTW Jen says thanks for the advice of asking her to show me her form. She thinks you're smart and nice, so there ya go.

Rin, I wouldn't say I doubt things a lot, I'm taking it all as real. That means accepting some parroting as real, which again, doesn't really bother Jen. This is just where we are now, surprisingly far along. I can accept that Smile
(This post was last modified: 07-30-2017, 09:13 PM by MindsMatter.)
07-30-2017, 09:11 PM
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#10
 
RE: MindMatter's progress log
That all sounds normal for a young tulpa. Normally it takes some time and push for them to become more independent.

It was actually a pretty big step for some of mine to make their own accounts and be recognized independently from myself. I'm sure Jen will reach that soon enough.

"My lover's got humour,
She's the giggle at a funeral,
Knows everybody's disapproval,
I should've worshipped her sooner."

Host to Samuel, Raven, and Ivy.

CERCA TROVA
07-31-2017, 12:08 PM
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