ok, so i talked to one of my partners in meat-space. they actually pointed out something that i've possibly just confirmed with the help of asuka.
i can trace the creation of the memories back to one of 2 years it could have happened. which is pretty good because i was able to narrow down when and where to the point where i can start finding some possible holes in my own memory. i know i've been missing these memories for a while now. something bad happening that i haven't been able to find.
but there's a second part of this. i've possible signs of early brain damage, of course it's hard to tell anyways depending on how it happened. brain damage of any sort can do all sorts of weird things to the functionality of a brain, especially if you're a kid at the time.
this memory, it has a visual. it's like a swirling blue marble. maybe an inch across. neither i nor none of my tulpa have seen or noticed anything like it before now. and i've spent probably unhealthy amounts of time up there when i was living with my abusers. (asuka: i've not seen it before either, and i've been all over this brain. but it's different, self contained, and painful to touch. and i've been trying with autumn's permission to read it and it makes no sense.)
between trauma and possible damage, i'm wondering if it's fried or perhaps in a different format. it would make sense were it true. i'll just have to wait for autumn to wake up to take another look.
i know i can handle the trauma side of things myself, i've got way more experience than i would like. i'm more worried about autumn dealing with this and what damage it might do in other ways.
Quote:... Are you asking if there is another way to share memories? Totally possible. You use symbolism or metaphor, like a book or movie projector. Then you enter the other thoughtform's mind and find the memory yourself and watch it. I believe you can do it while they sleep to avoid any excess trauma.
i can't believe i didn't think of this in the first place. now i feel rather stupid. this was how i shared my memories with everyone else. the archive rooms.
i can create the room easily enough, but i won't go in without her permission. another reason to wait for her to wake up. (asuka: dear gods, i can hear the hum and feel the ick through the door). and that is why i want to take care of this sooner rather than later.
the shards option though was a last resort thing. like if everything else fails horribly. but that's why i came here to ask. to get information and get help with figuring this out.
ok, so, i created an archive for autumn. so i could get to her memories and the object inside of her. merely another room in my wonderland for those wondering. with lots and lots of file boxes.
so after her nap, she came back out. her myself and asuka went into her archives and found the offending memory ball. after a bit of discussion, i took it into myself in order to go and see what it was and process it. in this situation, i can say, that it could have been the stupidest decision of my life if i didn't already know how to handle trauma and their associated memories. for one simple reason actually.
it wasn't supposed to be her memory. it was supposed to be mine. but the problem was my younger mind at the time panicked and pushed her to the front while it was making the memory. so she got stuck with someone else's memory, and it wasn't a pleasant experience for anyone involved. it's mostly audio, as i was blacked out. and it was the most unpleasant sound i have ever heard in my life.
but, i've got the nasty little bugger contained and away from the others. i don't even think asuka could find the thing. (i've never seen someone do that before. it's the strangest way to handle memories the ways she does). yeah, and now autumn and anyone around her, is feeling so so so much better. i've never seen autumn so happy before. though now she's sleeping again to catch up on actual rest.
but thank you all for helping me with this. we were all pretty damn worried once we found the problem. i just pray we don't have to do this again. again, thank you so damn much.