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my world before tulpas


solarchariot

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So, back in the day I was rather given to magical thinking. Oh. Yeah, okay, so that part hasn't changed. But I can pin down an event, sometimes between 78 and 80, between ages ten and twelve, I tried to make a Tulpa. I can't prove it. It's just in my memory, and I didn't call it a Tulpa. We moved every two years. We had just moved from Florida to Michigan. We lived in the Lemon Tree Apartments, directly across the street from the Michelin tire, in Ann Arbor. I walked across my first frozen lake near there. And, I was lonely. Out of nowhere, I got this great idea to make an invisible friend. A ghost friend. I created her on paper, describing her looks and personality, and stuck it in my pillow to sleep on, thinking she, my little ghost friend who's name I don't recall, would be closer to my head, and therefore closer to manifesting in real life.

 

I forgot about it. Mother found the item on washing sheets and I don't remember what my explanation was, I just remember being embarrassed and that was the end of that.

 

Fast forwards to 2004. I wrote and published online my first fan fiction. It was, is, a Star trek fan Fiction. You can find it today, and I have not pushed a re-edit and so you will find it just as badly written as any first attempt at writing, full of grammatical errors, poor editorial choices, just raw, juvenile good fun. Even so, it is probably one of my most popular books, based on number of downloads and the number of positive emails. There are five trek fan fictions, totaling over 150,000 downloads. Not too shabby. But not why I mention it. The main character in that book, Tammas Garcia, has a tulpa. Two tulpas, to be precise. But I didn't use the word 'tulpas.' I didn't know what a tulpa was until 2016. I should have known what a tulpa was, because I was a fan of the xfiles and apparently there is an episode about tulpas, but for whatever reason, that didn't register in my head.

 

Garcia was the focal point of a group Mind Meld, where accidental, but fully formed personalities were downloaded into his brain. These personalities were derivatives of the group mind, like archetypes, group personalities if you will. Another interesting side note here, which again, I can't prove; I wrote this before the new Battle Star Galactica introduced Baltar with Cylons living in his brain. If you assume for a moment I am not making that up, you will understand how elated I felt on seeing that first episode and thinking, wow, that's exactly how I imagined it for my character! It was also kind of spooky. It also helped spur me on to sharing my fan fiction, even though I knew it had faults.

 

Nothing may ever come of my writing. My only goal is to improve it as I go along. Loxy and I write daily, and more and more, I turn the writing over to her, and I just kind of ride along, or, she watches for spelling errors, and gets me to back up. We still miss stuff because we're so engaged in creating our work, a joint effort, that we're just having too much fun writing ourselves into and out of mischief.

 

If you write, or want to write, I advocate you doing that and sharing it, and just get it out there. Mistakes and all. Yes, you will have people write you and tell you how badly written it is, but you will also find people that will be able to see past the mistakes into the beauty you are aiming to share.

 

For me, though, as I am reflecting over this, discussing it with Loxy, it feels like we were always meant to be, and somehow this activity we engage in transcends time, and that all of my previous attempts to do this were not wasted, but just preparation. There is no doubt that she and I believe in magic, and so we see what we want to see. What do you see? How has your world changed? Can you visit a time in your mind before the tulpa? Can you find evidence this was just the natural evolution of your life?

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I believe I was in late middle school or early high school when I created Ranger as an imaginary character. I accidentally forced with him periodically, and eventually he told me "I am real" on a sign. Soon after I found out about Tulpas. I can see this as some kind of "mental training", at the very least I became more and more dependent on his presence.

 

During middle school, I did not find school to be extremely difficult. I had bullies, trouble making new friends (until 8th grade). My stress level was nothing compared to now, which I believe may be one of the reasons I ended up creating and continuously forcing Ranger.

 

The other reason: I was diagnosed with Asperger's Sydrome. I was not as interested in socializing as other people my age were, and this is true to this day.

 

I have a hard time remembering Elementary school. I remember suddenly interacting with people in 4th grade, but aside from that most of my memories are about how I interacted with my teacher. 4th and 5th grade were rough; I was introduced to a world of jerks and bullies. I had a close friend in 5th grade, and that was before she moved again.

 

Other than school, I remember playing with Legos and creating characters with their own adventures and stories. I wonder if this was the "set up" or preparation that lead me to develop more complicated characters with more complicated stories in my head, eventually leading to Ranger's birth. The older I became, the more sophisticated and complex my creations became.

 

I think I started "playing Legos" since I was 7 or 8, which would have been 3rd-4th grade for me.

Meow. You may see my headmates call me Gray or sometimes Cat.

I used to speak in pink and Ranger used to speak in blue (if it's unmarked and colored assume it's Ranger). She loves to chat.

 

Our system account

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Cat_ShadowGriffinI

 

Your story is really interesting. Do I understand your stress levels are greater today?

 

You know, I think about the 'bullying' I experienced growing up, and when I hear others experiences of it, I wish I understand why kids are so brutal to any person 'not in sync' for a lack of a better word. So, I was frequently bullied because I was frequently the new kid, and new kids tend to get it more often than not. What was interesting is that as the new kid, I quickly learned who was in and not, but because I particularly hated bullying, I would quickly identified who was being bullied and inserted myself into the drama, making myself the target, distracting bullies away from the original target. (There was a time before I was the rescuer where I was avoiding bullying by deflecting, and pointing out someone else's weakness which shifted attention from me to other, so I wasn't perfect. I was just surviving. I probably started being the rescuer to make up for feeling bad for deflecting.)

 

In addition to being new, I was also weird. I suspect I am on the ASD spectrum, but I was never diagnosed. I remember introducing myself as Vulcan, because I wanted to be Spock. I learned real quick, even aliens get beat up.

 

I spent a lot of time playing Legos growing up, too. I still build sets.  love Lego to this day. My son will be 4 in april, and he has been participating with building since three.

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