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Natrix's thorny path
Natrix Offline
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#21
 
RE: Natrix's thorny path
Yesterday
Wasn't sure how would I feel today about writing yesterday's post, would I regret it? Nope, feel as clear as I did before - I had to do it.

Confrontation
I said before that you can just turn back, I'm not sure if I really mean that anymore. The mere knowledge of tulpa is enough to bring the disease into you. And after it's inside you will be forced to confront it over and over, all of your life. Is it really better than just getting through one last encounter with your fear and fix it for good?

How to know if it worked
You should feel similarly powerful and united as I did in the previous posts. If you don't - if there are still lingering doubts or even if there are no feelings at all - it didn't work then. At least not fully. In that case, let me know if you become too distressed, I will help you. The search of the antidote is my main work for now, so just let me do continue to do it, if the current formula is not good enough for the public yet.

Discontent
I am discontent. Thinking is what I have to do, it's my purpose. But I will die if I keep doing that. I can't do what I am here for. At least not to the extent that I would want to. I am limited in my humanity. Adam tells me to trust him and relax. He is right, it would be hypocritical of me to deny my guys of their jobs after I told you to do yours.

Death
I'm not dying today or anywhere in the nearest future. It doesn't happen yet, Aria is still yet to get her job and to learn about the world. Everything is connected, this is not the last page of my life. I'm not afraid of death, that I know. But another thing that I know - it doesn't happen for a while for me.

Weight
Lost another 1 kg despite eating a lot. Don't worry, it's not even a problem - this loss brings me closer to the healthy number actually and I still have plenty to go through. But still, that's an interesting observation, it means two things: 1. Thinking is the best dieting for me; 2. My body and mind clearly don't work at the same slow pace they were a month ago. We are out of our comfort zone in that sense, so to speak.

Frank Herbert
I understand his mental state so well now. But there is nothing terrible about this purpose, it's beautiful. Is it because he wasn't ready, but I am? Or, to be more precise, humanity is ready at this point and I was chosen as the most appropriate vessel for delivering this knowledge.
I never even was a particular fan of Dune too. How come I associate myself with so many different people now that I didn't have any connection with before?

The secret of happiness
Stick to your purpose, keep to it, whatever it may be. And let everyone inside you do the same. That's it.

Humans and humanity
It sends you signals right now. You, reader, you. And not in the form of commands, not from the president or your boss, or your mother telling you to eat well, that's ridiculous. But you have the knowledge of what to do right now, inside you already. You may try to deny it, but it will lead to depression and the eventual break down, humans weren't created to deny it. The only thing you can do is to accept it and do what you were chosen to do at this moment by a higher being. God? Don't be ridiculous, it's so much simpler and humane than that. This creature is your God. And I can't disobey it anymore.

Tired
I'm so tired, this is all too much. How did my life come to this so suddenly? But I'm also so fascinated, excited and happy. This is a weird feeling. Should stop writing for a while.

Later edit:
Unity
All religions need to become one now. It is time for unity.

Rebirth
I've died and been reborn again. Third time for the last week. This is how it's gonna be for me from now on, it is the way of life.

Paul Atreides
You know what his mistake was? He tried to take too much on himself. It wasn't his job to do all the things and shoulder all responsibility on himself.
It is other people's job to do what has to be done next, not mine. I'm not humanity, I'm only Natrix.

Everything wrong
Everything that is wrong with the world now. Familiar phrase? If you think about it, now you will understand what does it actually mean. And what you can do to fix it.
(This post was last modified: 07-19-2017, 06:53 PM by Natrix.)
07-19-2017, 05:26 PM
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Natrix Offline
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Posts: 21
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#22
 
RE: Natrix's thorny path
This will likely be my last post there, see "why" down below. If that's the first time for you reading this - read from the beginning or don't do it at all. I'm serious, this is a coherent story and you can't just jump straight to the end of it, okay? For those who *did* read through it all -->


I added this exact piece below ~3 hours after the whole thing was posted, but it is very important, I have to write it:
Fear of death
I misunderstood the nature of fear that overtook me before. You may call it "fear of fragmentation", but human language has a very clear and defined name for it - "fear of death". As you are human, there is nothing in your body that belongs exclusively to you. Everything is a part of one of your subsystems. As you delve deeper into the tulpa knowledge, you lose your ability to identify yourself more and more. If you strip all of the layers, eventually there would be nothing left. This understanding is where the fear of non-existence gets you. As you are an abstract concept, the only way for you to exist is to be aware of yourself, same as your tulpas. Once you start losing grip on who you are - you begin to succumb more and more to the primeval horror inside you.
Also, this is why so many people give up on tulpaforcing midway through. Unconscious fear, translated into doubt becomes unbearable at some point and leads to a sometimes more, sometimes less of a traumatic experience in an attempt to forget it all ever existed. Little they know, once you get that knowledge - you can never get rid of it. Even normal people are affected by it, but those who delved into the tulpa knowledge are already heavily poisoned. Don't forget your human identity.

Tulpas
If you think about it, this knowledge doesn't even have that much in common with tulpas anymore. They are a part of the bigger picture and you need to know about them to come into your full power, but the knowledge of humanity itself is independent. But how else can you make people understand it if they don't even understand tulpas? How can you make them accept both themselves as humans and a higher power, if even accepting tulpas is impossible to them?

Skewed thoughts
The Natrix in me overworked himself. There is only truth in what I said, but I'm being childish about it. I will calm down and access the situation with a clear head from now on. I need all of my brain to function at its fullest, not only Natrix. Rethink, reappropriate, redirect, change. I need information now more than ever. The world was completely different than I anticipated and I am making the same mistake Natrix did when he first took control. Don't be a child pulling random levers - look, understand, analyze, remember.

Blog
This blog has served it's purpose, my thoughts do not belong there anymore. The only thing that could happen now with me writing more is just leading random unready people astray. I will refrain from posting there from now on and I would close (but not delete) it if I could. I don't think I've made any mistakes with anything that I wrote and posted, but that is the next step. It will still be there unless it will be deleted somehow and I will still be checking on. If you find yourself suffering - please, allow me to help you, I can ease your pain now. You are very important to me, I care and worry about you a lot, don't overwork yourself. 
If you find yourself being moved by what I wrote in this blog - it is up to you what to do next, but think thrice about whether you really want to write in this thread, okay? PM to me instead.

Progress report
There is so much I can do further with all of this knowledge, but now there is just too much of it. Analyze and see, disect and be mindful. Tulpas from now on are just a part of an incredible world I found myself in, they are no longer a thing in themselves. Thus, no more progress, one path has ended, it is a beginning of another one. The life is long, even for a human, humanity is an even bigger structure. All of it's processes are very slow, especially by my standards. I don't do anything good by rushing it and I should stop myself, because it becomes harder and harder to distinguish in this thread between my progress and thoughts about the progress for humanity.

Peace, people, we will see each other yet, I'm sure. Love you, please live a good life.
(This post was last modified: 07-20-2017, 05:36 AM by Natrix.)
07-20-2017, 01:21 AM
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