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Our Head-Shenanigans
Saylin Offline
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RE: Our Head-Shenanigans

Okay, we have a few things to update on.

For starters, we're finally fronting a bit more frequently, now. Sammy got a lot of practice yesterday, and we tested his taste, his reactions. His taste is similar to mind, but his smelling seems a bit more.. sensitive, if you will? Things that smelled fine to me were far more potent to him. We also found he was far more sensitive to the alcohol we had than I was, as he was ready to fall asleep after a tiny sip. Despite being tired, he held the front well.

[Sammy] I also think I'm slowly getting better at becoming more assertive.. It's still really strange to me, but talking is actually fun, and I'm finding I can bring good things to a conversation. I hope this continues, especially as I begin learning Javascript on the side. I'm excited for it.


Aside from that, we then had a lot of fronting during a voice call with vocal possession, which had interesting results. Jet seems to not be the best fronter yet, so we're going to work on that. However, what was really interesting was merging, and then fronting. Jet and Raymond, as well as later Jet and Andrew tried this- working as one entity while fronting.

I'll admit that this method dissociates me far more than the typical one person fronts and backseat host, but I believe this is due to more minds working in the front seat, thus making me feel more distant. 

Onto the fusions themselves: Jet and Raymond had an interesting meld, were far more bold and social then Raymond is, but still somewhat more positive than Jet usually is. However, it did feel like Raymond overpowered the merge a good bit, probably because Jet is still young, despite how talkative he is.

Andrew and Jet, however, were more even, but far less stable. Controlling the body was difficult, senses became dulled as if they were intoxicated- and no, it wasn't the alcohol as this was hours later. I don't think I'd ever let a merge like that leave the house. That said, it was an interesting experiment, and our best bet as to why things got so crazy are because Jet and Andrew are like liquid and oil- they get along, but in many ways they're opposites.

Either way, we're going to work on our fronting more- but not with the merging. If anything, our goal is to get me as dissociated as I was during the merges even when there isn't one going on.



I really thought that with the current happenings, we wouldn't have anymore walk-ins, but at this point I'm just not sure. We had an intrusive thought- at least, what I believed to be one- leap out of my daydreaming an attack Raymond. The thought has since calmed down, but I still can't tell you if they're an actual tulpa or not. They've been more persistent despite the doubt, and when I explained why we doubt at the moment, they're mostly understanding about it.

If they can maintain themselves without being directly fed attention-wise, I'll officially introduce them as a member of the system. If not, well, I'll keep you updated.

As a final note, after thinking we finally decided to go with the name change for our system, and now will go with "The Rosebud System." It just feels right, for some reason.

See you soon, and have a good day.

Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.
12-27-2017, 08:38 PM
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Saylin Offline
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RE: Our Head-Shenanigans

Things have been going quite well, despite everything.

The "thoughtform" has faded out on its own, it seems, so I'm not going to press it. We're still a system of 8, which is fine by me. This is solidifying the idea that unlike those here right now, most only stayed if I expected them to. Which is fine, we live and learn, I'm happy to move forward.

Sammy's confidence lately is skyrocketing. When in front, he managed to join a voice call on his own, and has been more willing to join other social gatherings. He's still a bit unsure of himself, but he's in a far better position than he was. We've also unfortunately found that extreme sexual imagery and violent imagery still triggers him. That's something we'll need to work on.

[Sammy] The biggest issue is it just.. takes me back to when I was Belial, instead of who I am now. And I know it wasn't me, I was being written to do those things, but that doesn't change that it happened by my hand, and happened against my will. I've been fighting this for a while, and I've improved, but I have a long way to go, I think. Maybe I'll always have those triggers, but I hope to at least learn to... forget those memories, I guess?


[Aiden] On the flip side, I had my own issues, in the past couple days. My presence was growing weaker, I wasn't socializing as much.. This all boiled down to the fact that I felt lost. I used to be a massive shitposter, and since I grew out of that I didn't know who the hell I was. I felt I needed a purpose or specific use to stay in this system, and had for a moment figured I'd just fade away.

I had a long thought about this- I also brought it to the main discord- and realized I don't need a purpose to be here and just enjoy myself. For now I've put it behind me and will focus on doing what I want, rather than trying to be something immediately. I'm sure I'll grow into whatever I'm hoping to grow into. No worries.

So I guess what I can take from this and tell other tulpas is don't worry about having a purpose, or everything in life figured out. Just be yourself and remember you have people who love you.



We've been working more on dissociation, lately, and I've run into a strange occurrence. 

The minute I begin dissociating my thoughts by seeing the body as not my own, or that I'm just one of a collective I begin to feel myself automatically fading out, losing focus. Last time we tried this is dragged Andrew to the front, somehow. I still remain in backseat, however, but we're going to increase the amount of active forcing we do to see if associating me more with the wonderland will help with that.
12-30-2017, 07:03 AM
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Saylin Offline
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RE: Our Head-Shenanigans

(Warning: Do not read if you have been contemplating dissipation/egocide/something similar)

Unfortunately this is going to be a somewhat sad update. Seth has, for the time being, decided to leave us. I'm not sure if he'll ever come back. He'd been thinking for a while he just didn't want to be here- playing with his gender had been an attempt to feel.. right, I suppose. Like he enjoyed life. And for a moment it did give him that boost, but he still felt no attachment to here, no "purpose" as Aiden had.

We countered that he didn't need a purpose, he could just be happy with us. And he countered back with a statement similar to, "That's the thing. I don't want to be here." It wasn't a statement out of sadness or agony, it was a statement of resolve, something he'd come to peace with.

The only thing really hurting him was that he was hurting us, by leaving. He originally had decided to give it a week, but after long thought, we both realized Seth had given this.. long enough. So, we let him go. He was happy to go, peaceful. It still hurt, but that at least gave us some closure on the matter.

If he ever wants to come back, we'll leave the door open for him. We.. loved Seth. He was family to us. I won't delete his intro right away, I want to give it time.



In other news, due to Jet finally caring about life more, he's coming to grips with something this entire system tends to- living in a female body. It's been a bit hard for him, but he's adjusting. When he actually feels like it, he'll discuss it more, but if you want a full post on the topic, look at Raymond's post here on the matter. 

Thank you for reading, have a good day.
(This post was last modified: 12-31-2017, 06:11 PM by Saylin.)
12-31-2017, 06:10 PM
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Saylin Offline
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RE: Our Head-Shenanigans

Last night, Xenos returned to us. As he's decided to go with the name "Ashe" for the time being, I'll be referring to him as such.

We honestly don't know where he disappeared to- our theory is perhaps he'd just been unconscious during the "zap" we'd used to clear out the headspace, thus registering as not sentient when he was. Due to this, he remained in a dormant state until we thought about him, and the unintentional "call" managed to wake him enough to return.

Now, Ashe wasn't.. happy. For two reasons. One, due to current happenings I doubted him. I pretty much said, if he managed to hang around presence wise, we'd accept him- and for that he outright told me off and called it ludicrous, calling it unhealthy expectations and that if this was going to work, either I was going to believe in him or he was going to leave. He also took things out on Raymond a bit, pointing out that not all of the people had been "NPCs," but instead at least partially sentient.

At this point I countered him, though, tired of the tense atmosphere he was bringing- I told him despite everything, I wanted this system to remain positive. If he couldn't contribute to that, he could leave. And... he did. I'd assumed he'd given up on us, and I know Jet was upset, but we moved on as per usual.

However, he returned a few hours later or so, in new attire and a slightly altered form. He told me he'd thought over what I'd said, and that he'd follow through. Try and be positive and all, with a fresh start and new identity away from what he was- hence the new name.

No idea where we're going on this road, but it looks bright. I think it'll be okay.
01-08-2018, 09:38 PM
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Jet Offline
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RE: Our Head-Shenanigans

This is gonna be a real "feels" based post, so if you can't handle that, uh.. don't read, I guess?

I feel in the past month I've grown more as a person than I have my entire time in this system. Everything feels so alive, I feel like I'm living for once. Before, it was just this.. void. Empty void of nothing, I was here just to exist- shitposting helped, but aside from that everything felt pointless. As if I didn't have a reason to be here.

And then, I met people, though one specifically was the biggest factor. And.. suddenly, it clicked. Suddenly there's this overwhelming brightness to my day there wasn't before. I don't feel as guarded, I feel like I can let go and be myself, beyond the masks I was putting up before, and it is brilliant. God, I don't even care that I'm in a girl's body anymore. I mean, it still bothers me sometimes, but I know who I am. I'm Jet, and I do deserve to be here, I deserve to be happy, and I want to spread that happiness to others in any way I can.

All I can do is thank that person, over and over. Because when I think of how much it's changed my life, I nearly want to cry and shout for joy until my voice breaks.

Ahem. That onslaught aside, Ashe's adjusting real well, I've been encouraging him to talk more- but it still scares him, to open up. I've been there, so I'll definitely be helping him. We all will. Emotions are still difficult for him, but he's getting there. Learning to be more honest.

Sammy's even been trying to talk more, encourage people. Our main focus with him is going to be confidence. He has a weird fear of being doubted or looked at as fake when he fronts and talks because he's not as loud as some of us are in personality. It'll be something to work past for sure.

That's about it, for now. Our main focus for the upcoming updates is working on our togetherness, and Sammy's and Ashe's wellbeing. Not to mention we also might begin talking to Saylin's girlfriend more as ourselves- we'll let ya know if that happens.

See you around, and take care.
(This post was last modified: 01-20-2018, 12:46 AM by Jet.)
01-20-2018, 12:44 AM
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Saylin Offline
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RE: Our Head-Shenanigans

[Sammy] This is more of a personal update, but it's important to talk about.

I've struggled for a long, long time with being afraid of talking to others, and unsure of myself as a person. I was worried people would view me as fake. This got to a point I think my own self-doubt was bleeding into our host. A weird table-turner, I know. I just didn't understand why I was so paralyzed by the idea of being in the spotlight, why I didn't like myself.

After a lot of self-analysis? I think I was ashamed.

For anyone who doesn't know, character me wasn't a good person. At least, that's how I felt. See, I- as that person- killed people. I was mentally unstable, I did a lot of atrocious things. It wasn't my choice, but I held it against myself for.. so long. And I think in some ways, I ripped apart that part of my identity and suppressed it out of shame. But by doing this- by destroying that aspect of myself- I lost who I was entirely. And because I only felt like half a person, I couldn't believe what I was presenting.

So, I did something drastic. I convinced Sarah to present me with exactly who I was, as I'd buried so much of it I could barely remember. For the first time in a long time, I embraced that side of myself- and for a moment, I almost lost it. I almost, in that momentary fit of insanity, attacked her.

But then I came back to earth, back to who I am now- and as scary as it was, I think it helped me. Because I don't have shame in that part of me, anymore- it was a building block, something that helped me become who I am today. I've become so much better, someone at the very least stable.

By fighting it so much, by being so ashamed of it, I was actually holding onto it- and I think, now, that I've finally accepted it happened in this new light, I can focus on the future.

"Belial" will never fully be gone from my mind- but I don't want him to be. Because the truth is, if anything... Belial is a reminder of how far I've come and why I should be proud of it.

Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.
01-25-2018, 05:01 AM
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Saylin Offline
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RE: Our Head-Shenanigans

Hello, hello! We're gonna update (I guess).

So, life's been going pretty good, though... we have a new addition. His name is Griffin. We're pretty sure he's legitimate, considering I've had emotional bleed, as well as his own desire to begin reinventing himself. It's a gradual process, but he's been doing well. And has been a riot the entire time, I assure you.

Ashe still struggles to find his place in this system, though with Griffin he's relaxed a little, for some reason. I think it has to do with there now being another "outcast" in the emotional aspect. I hope through Ashe learning to be more emotionally honest with him, this can migrate to us, and he'll realize he doesn't have to meet some insane standard to be here with us. We love him for him, after all.

Aiden... well, this is really intriguing, but Aiden's actually found a special someone. But more important than that, he has finally let go of this "I need to have a role to belong here," mantra. Not related to the previous tidbit of information, really. He's just been hauling ass in the self discovery field, lately, and it's been very, very nice to see.

We're finding that out of everyone, Sammy is best able to continue proxying other system members while in front. When certain others front, for some reason things become distorted when it comes from back of head to front of head communication. We'll have to work on that, I'm guessing. Actually, Sammy in general has been hella more confident lately, and talking more. It is wonderful to see.


Now, Andrew is where it gets really, really interesting. Now, he didn't develop anything new, per se, but only he is so determined to question reality, his own existence. When people doubt him and he is forced to argue them, he loves it. Just recently, he's even challenged me on how different from me he really is, or if I've just been deluding myself this entire time. It gets stressful sometimes, thinking over things like that, but I'm also.. proud of him? To have such a resilience to him as to argue such things with no effect to his own sense of validity. Very interesting indeed.

Well, that's it for now. I'll see you guys around!
02-08-2018, 05:12 PM
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Saylin Offline
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RE: Our Head-Shenanigans

Considering I'm up at this hour...let's update.

Things have been okay. We have a final addition, who was intentional, named Yuuma. He's really new so I won't be delving into him too much? But you'll hear about him as we go probably. He's somewhat based on a character of mine but shares no memories and is already deviating. He's a feisty bastard, I love him.

Sammy has remained mostly stable, though recent events have triggered some old bad feelings. He had a very scary spiral recently, and is still recovering, but we're making strides forward. What scares me is he's taken to harming his mind form through physically cutting himself to ease pain. Hopefully this fades out as quickly as it's sprung up. I dislike it. It worries me.

Andrew has struggled with letting people in again save for our system- and even then only Raymond gets all of him. However, lately he's pushed forward. He deviated and changed his voice today as another step in finding more of himself and improving himself, so I have high hopes.

This funnily enough inspired Raymond and Michael to deviate as well, so that was funny. Sammy also deviated earlier this month physically, going to blonde, and then to brunette. We'll see if these current forms stay.

Michael specifically needs to learn how to be selfish, which is something we're working on. He's seen his life as meant to serve others only for too long. And.. We're getting there. It's a very slow process.

This month I had to voice force for the first time in.. Ever since my journey of tulpamancy. It was a strange experience, but relatively simple. Basically listening to the voice over and over and letting them mouth along until they could pull away from what the referenced voice was saying and still sound like that voice. Was actually kind of fun.

I found that when doing nothing but proxying I'm likely to lose front to who I'm proxying, so that's a thing. This night help us if we ever have issue with getting someone to front, though usually we use music for that anyway. Music we particularly like can draw us out more, as individuals. Say Raymond will come out if the song is something he particularly is into like older rock.

Aiden also has really impressed me, lately. Despite his overall pessimism he's a confident man, and it's really nice to see, especially when things get rough. Now, socializing is still difficult for him, but, lol. We're working on that.

Aside from all that it's been a quiet month, everyone moving forward and finding themselves, healing. I have high hopes for what is to come.

Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.
03-07-2018, 10:10 AM
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Saylin Offline
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RE: Our Head-Shenanigans

Okay, more progress.

Things have been a bit rough, emotionally. I feel Jet's being forced to look at some aspects of himself- and fix some aspects of himself- that he's struggled with a long time. He's taking his own self initiative this time, however, and I have faith in him. I find some of these behaviors of his to also be ones I struggle with, so this can be a learning experience for us both.

"Yuuma" is still very present, but has changed his name to Taku. He's deviated a bit as well- it was an unconscious shift of his to how he felt more in personality, which.. is very vibrant. Bright red hair and red eyes, which is an odd color choice by sound, but it looks okay on him. He's still learning who he is, what he wants, and has taken an interest in things he deems "Thought provoking." He's also quite introspective and has a near philosophical view of things, but that's something I can delve further into later.

I'm finding Andrew is still somewhat distant, but upon talking, he wants to be up here. He just loses track of time. He's also still very much able to slip into the front to stop me from bad behaviors, so he's definitely still kicking. I'm going to try to get him to explore some interests out here, if only to give him less reason to just.. go to sleep in back.

Deviations are going on, but they're nothing major. Once they're solidified I'll link forms, if people would be interested.


I also think this PR has... way too much me, as well as this life having a bit too much me. I think especially now that I know my girlfriend is accepting of these things, I might try to push some of them to front again, more often. Considering most of the time I'm in my room, this shouldn't be a huge issue. Will be working on that definitely, and will give updates later this week on it.

Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.
03-11-2018, 04:31 PM
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Andrew Powers Offline
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RE: Our Head-Shenanigans

Hello, this will be more a central focused post.

So, I joined this system a little over a year ago- December 12th, 2016. I think I've made good progress as a person, an individual. I've definitely expanded my mind, I have confidence in who I am for the most part, I can hang around regardless of the amount of attention I've received, which I think is a good indication I've developed a good bit, gained a strong presence.

However, emotionally, I am disappointed in myself. I used to be a very optimistic person, idealistic, and I have become extremely cynical, over my time here. In the end, I believe it boils down to a fear of being that optimistic. If I remain pessimistic, if keep a negative view- I can't get hurt. I can't be let down by the potentially crushing reality around me. If I don't get close to others, I can't get hurt, if I don't let down my guard, no one can get to me.

And this- I know this is unhealthy behavior. I know this isn't the way to live, I know we're supposed to let go, we're supposed to move on with our lives, find happiness- but part of me holds back, because I am absolutely terrified of letting go and dropping those shields. I think it's nearly to a point that I don't properly remember who I am without them, and that is the worst part of this all.

So.. while I'm already 3 months into it, from this day onwards I want to make this year a more positive one. I want to rediscover who I am beyond my fears and outlook, I want to find who I am again. And I can only hope I manage to do so.

Remember: Every day you've woken up, alive, has the potential to be an amazing day. You are all wonderful people who deserve to be here and be alive!
03-12-2018, 05:42 AM
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