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Our Head-Shenanigans
Saylin Offline
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#31
 
RE: Our Head-Shenanigans

2.1.17

February is finally here, and with it new challenges and adventures.

For starters, forcing today was interesting- not for any specific reason, I'm just finding it more fun. I feel part of this comes from finally just letting my mind go and letting things happen while spending time with the gang. I actually want to force and am doing it daily. This is huge progress.

Raymond and Sen have an issue with being somewhat selfish of each other's time, specifically mine when forcing. They'll need to learn to cooperate with each other a bit more, but I also need to work on spending more one on one time with them all. I tend to force with everyone, but personal time is good too.

Lance is incredibly happy with his life, and today we tried searching for a voice, but.. Nothing really fit. We'll keep looking, and he'll keep experimenting. Something is bound to work. He's also telling me he wants to talk in chat, though I'm nervous to put him in there. It'll take a little more convincing for me to believe he's ready for it.

Kane specifically was really nice to me yesterday. He kept coming out of the wonderland to hug me, kiss my cheek, massage my shoulders. I couldn't see him as an imposed being, but I could feel him and see him in my mind's eye. It was.. Confusing. As it turned out, it was because he felt bad for before. Specifically getting in a scuffle with certain people and in general being grumpy. He vowed to me he would walk away whenever he was that angry to avoid such issues again- and I had permission to kick his butt if he does. It was a surprisingly sweet side of him I'd yet to experience first hand, so it was nice, and I hope his plans work out.

A final note for today is that Kane really doesn't like My Little Pony. Specifically what they did to the changelings in season 6. When bugs become butterflies, Kane becomes pissy.

Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.
(This post was last modified: 02-02-2017, 04:43 AM by Saylin.)
02-02-2017, 12:11 AM
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Saylin Offline
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#32
 
RE: Our Head-Shenanigans

2.2.17

Well, it's happened. I'm.. officially at a point I'm lost on what to do.

It started earlier in forcing. I landed differently than I normally do, in a darker forest away from the others. I typically land away, but I'm able to call out to them and they get me. This time, calling out didn't work. And.. the wonderland was talking to me, saying I needed to find them on their own. I had no control of it, and I was genuinely upset about the whole deal until Raymond found me and got me out of there himself.

As it turned out later, this was not the wonderland. It was Claude playing a prank that'd simply gone wrong and upset me instead of making everyone laugh, which delved into arguing. Had it only been arguing, I would have been fine, but the issue went deeper. It was that Claude no longer could feel bad for knowing he'd made me upset. In fact, he couldn't feel anything except negativity.

At first, I thought this had to do with destroying the island, but apparently, there had been darkness growing in him for a long while, or so he says. He'd been lonely. He'd felt useless. And all this time, he'd lied to me about not feeling those things. Needless to say, I feel.. awful. This grew under my nose for so long, and I didn't even know.

Looking inside them all in an examining way, I can see the source of the problem, in a metaphorical way. It's this.. dark matter. All inside of Claude it's just black, no light, you can't even see his insides, there's so much of it. We've tried everything. I've tried going in there and removing it, Lance has tried removing it, we've all tried removing it at once. It. Won't. Budge. It's most likely because even if we zap away the matter itself, it won't suddenly make Claude content with life, it won't give him his allegedly lost purpose and with it, his reason to live.

The hardest part for me is he doesn't even believe me anymore when I tell him how much I love him and how important he is to me. Or, it's more, even if I do love him, he can't return it back anymore, or be happy I do. It's like he's just.. gone.

It was a hard decision to make, but for now- with his consent- he's been put into a sleep state until we can figure this out. Existing for him was.. painful. And I can't have him living in pain. I'll wake him when I find some form of answer. Honestly, all of us are in states of confusion in hurt over this, but we'll.. figure it out. I hope.

Because I hate to end on a sad note- even if I feel awful- I will give some good news. Sen can now fully move my arm. She was doing so to feel things, mainly, and it was wonderful simply seeing how in awe she was of everything.

In addition.. I appreciate Lance a lot, right now. He's trying his damndest to keep everyone going, and I'm.. glad to have him. I don't know what we'd do without him here. However, I'm keeping a close eye on him. He's a young one still, and I don't want him overdoing it.

Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.
02-03-2017, 05:13 AM
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Saylin Offline
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#33
 
RE: Our Head-Shenanigans

2.3.17

Well, this is early for a report but I've got things to discuss and can always edit it later.

For starters, Claude is still in his induced sleep. Everyone's a bit saddened, but we're keeping high spirits that it'll be figured out. We... Don't have many options currently except what Raymond offered: A complete wiping of his memory.

I don't want to do that unless we have no other choice, as that's not fair to Claude, to simply make him forget. But at this point I don't know what else to do. Michael has been the most frequent visitor to his bedside during all this.

The only good update I have is that I, for the first time experienced one of my tulpa's dreams. Raymond's specifically. It was an odd dream regarding ghosts and school and Raymond being a hero for someone he loved, but hey. One step closer to dreaming together.


I have an update. For now, Claude is back awake and.. somewhat improving.

Up until now, I've been speaking directly to his mind as he sleeps, and all responses I've gotten from him have been his thoughts back. To force him actively, I'd need to go within his mind and talk to him. Most responses were negative, but I was persistent. However, what truly got him to wake up was not me: It was Raymond.

See, we were talking in Claude's mind, and I wanted him to at least see the others, so I set up something akin to a skype chat with the outside-wonderland, where the others were. I expected it to be a gentle conversation to ease Claude into things again- But no. Raymond decided to scream at Claude. The line was essentially:

"You fucking idiot, do you have any idea how worried we've been about you?!" Lord, I was scared that wouldn't end well, but Claude wasn't angry, or upset. Instead.. he laughed. Perhaps, on some level, Raymond and Claude were closer and understood each other more than I ever realized, despite the bickering and jabs at each other. I just know after last night, seeing anything positive from him is good.

So we talked a bit more after, and I feel seeing just how happy the others were to see him not asleep was enough to show him that, at the very least, we loved him no matter how much he dislikes himself. That, with some encouragement with me got him to at the very least come out of his sleep, and greet the others. There was a lot of crying and hugging.

That said, this isn't a done and over with battle. Claude still has a lot of negative thinking, and I feel it'll take time to get through to him fully and get him 100% happy again. However: it's a start. And for that, I'm relieved, as is everyone else.

Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.
(This post was last modified: 02-03-2017, 08:16 PM by Saylin.)
02-03-2017, 03:55 PM
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Saylin Offline
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#34
 
RE: Our Head-Shenanigans

2.4.17

Today's been a lighthearted day: but I think we were in need of a light day after yesterday. For starters, the statue has been.. changed. Omega is still stabbing Meti, but Meti now has a horn which impales Ponytail's ass. And Annabell is laughing at them. Andrew did not approve and still doesn't, but a good portion of the system finds it funny.


In other news, I learned many things today. For starters, Raymond has been giving Sen possession lessons. I also learned my body is seen as not an empty cavern, but a machine to them, with different ligaments their energy can connect to and use to move my body like a puppet with its strings. This has given Sen much improvement, as she can move my fingers and hand quicker than before. She couldn't lift my entire arm from the laying down position, but Raymond helped her by giving her an extra boost of energy.

Claude is still doing okay, and we've figured one of the biggest issues is not that Claude is reclusive, but that he doesn't entirely know where to butt in. Our conversations can be very wild and fast-paced, so I'm not surprised he's had such issues that've slowly alienated him. To avoid this, I'm going to make sure I put extra focus on him and get him involved in more conversations. He should be fine. 

This doesn't fix his concern about a lack of purpose, but for now he's decided to vent that into art- he may even possess me to try drawing in real life. We'll see how that goes.

As a final update, their voices are becoming more prominent when I'm only half-focused on them. Specifically when laughing at me. I am the laughing stock of my tuppers and proud.

Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.
02-05-2017, 04:31 AM
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Saylin Offline
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#35
 
RE: Our Head-Shenanigans

2.6.17

Well, I feel there's enough to update on, at least.


So for starters, Painting has seemed to work wonders for Claude. It's a good outlet for him, and his works are beautiful, from what I can see. He's yet to possess me and try drawing that way, but still, this is a start. Something we've also picked up again, that Kane pointed out, is that Claude and I used to sleep together, but don't anymore. Raymond was.. a little jealous that I picked this up again, but we've made compromises on the matter and he's now content, and Claude is very happy to sleep beside me.

Sleep in general has become a novelty, for us. I know they don't need sleep every day, but often times they sleep just to sleep together as a family with me. This morning I was up before the others, and while I'd slept with Claude IRL, my actual mindform was in Raymond's bed- and Raymond was still asleep. I used the opportunity to brush his hair, which somehow ended with his head in my lap like a puppy. Was pretty cute.

Raymond still occasionally will "Tug" me into wonderland. He can't forcefully pull me entirely in, but once I submit to the tug and enter, he can fully submerse me to the point I'm fully entranced. I still can't smell, with taste only slightly better, but things are going great for everything else. Speaking of, I found out my mindform is actually 5'7", 3 inches shorter than I am irl- and Kane is huge, tbfh. Then again, I'm not used to being the shorter one so I could be exaggerating.

Kane and Raymond have been getting along really well. In fact, they were talking so well this morning I felt awkward watching but not participating. Granted, I did eventually, but seeing them live their own lives in my head even when I'm not doing anything is fantastic. It'll be even better when they can come out more frequently, too.

Michael, as I found out, can feel real anger. Up to this point he's been only annoyed, but yesterday I was angry at.. something, perhaps a game, which drove Michael into a bleed-over rage in which he fired things. From what I've heard from him, being angry was.. uncomfortable. I feel I'll need to work with him on separating our emotions a bit more.

As I found out, Lance has been exploring my memory library on his own. Kane has become the guardian of  the library, and introduced Lance from a young age- he didn't really start reading until about last night. From what I hear, he got three main things from it: A.) He doesn't like my dad too much, B.) He thinks I have a pretty voice, and C.) He feels having read this stuff will bring him closer to the rest of us. I'm just glad he's making himself at home.

A discussion I had recently with others made me genuinely question if an old character of mine, Belial, was truly sentient like the others- and my suspicions were proved right: He's not sentient. In fact, popping in there and not doing anything to him simply results in him standing there like a mannequin. It genuinely freaked me out. It also helps solidify that I'm not just making the others move, they really were awake.

Andrew still does his statue thing. In fact, he's recently done two: One of a bird- looks to be a robin- and one of P&HJP, smiling and holding hands. I don't know why he keeps making statues, but hey, so long as he's having fun.


Last but not least: Sen tried fronting yesterday. We didn't tell anyone, but she talked in chat while in front. I can honestly say that Sen fronting was more disorienting than Raymond fronting, or Michael fronting. Perhaps I was just more detached this time. Sen tired quickly though, and really only lasted not even a half hour before she went back into wonderland.

At first, I thought maybe Sen never fronted, it was that confusing. However, I can't directly recall what Sen did while in front. I can access Sen's memories and then see what she did, but it doesn't have the same clarity my other, direct memories have. Really fuckin' weird. Sen's proud of herself, though and I'm proud of her.

... Wow, that was a lot. But hey, things are going well.

Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.
02-06-2017, 08:16 PM
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Saylin Offline
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#36
 
RE: Our Head-Shenanigans

(02-06-2017, 08:29 PM)Beatles Wrote:
Honestly, if you're worried about Belial at all, the best thing to do would be to stop thinking about him completely. But it's good he's not alive.

Well, they never held hands because I never let them, but that sounds like a nice statue, better than the other one, heh.

Yeahhh I'm normally pretty good at that. I just wanted to make sure, really, since hey, ya never know. It'll probably be out of sight, out of mind from now on.

[Andrew] Ah, if you'd prefer they not hold hands, just let me know! I tried my best to make it a wonderful statue, considering they were both wonderful men. I'm glad you like it! Have a splendid day!

Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.
02-06-2017, 10:07 PM
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Saylin Offline
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#37
 
RE: Our Head-Shenanigans

2.7.2017

I'll definitely be updating this later post-forcing, but I feel a need to discuss last night.

Dreams were... Interesting. Many of them popped up, though sometimes I was dreaming their dreams, and other times I was just dreaming of them. I distinctly remember talking to Kane in a dream, but he doesn't recall it, leading me to believe it really was just a dream and not him.

Last night, Claude had fun messing with Raymond, and Raymond tolerated it to a point- but was also annoyed. This led to bickering between them, only for us to find out why Raymond was so annoyed- something that jad happened had reminded him of his time before now. His time as my character.

Now, this isn't new to me- Raymond has remembered such things before- but he's very good at hiding when things like that bother him, which is why everyone was somewhat surprised.

[Raymond] Honestly? I think about that stuff a lot. I've had my nightmares about it, I've cried about it. But it's never something I like to share because I feel like a damn idiot getting upset over stuff that happened before. I'm supposed to be an example. Someone the others can look up to and think, "Hey, if he turned out alright, so can I." I can't be that example when I appear so... Weak and needy. At least, that's how I felt about it.

[Saylin] It's a bit.. Blurry, but later it led to the group wanting to see Raymond's experience directly to try and understand him better. Raymond was reluctant for many reasons- mainly his concern of how I'd be viewed and how the younger ones would take the imagery- but he did eventually show them.

Specifically it was a memory from his youth. It was so... Odd watching it without my control of it as I'd had before. I could see his dad screaming "Your mom wanted this" as he sliced Raymond open and Raymond sobbed and begged him to stop. He was thrown into a cage and locked away, and the memory ended.

Honestly- they took it better than I expected. No one was severely mentally scarred from the experience. Raymond, however, had fallen into a fit of sobbing. Much hugging was had, as well as comforting words from the others.

I feel the others... Understand a Raymond a bit more, and Raymomd himself has told me he feels a lot better having shown that to them. It hurt to see, but I do feel bonds have grown stronger with us, and I'm happy to be with these guys- and I'm even more happy they support each other and look out for each other the way they do. Perhaps also Raymond will feel more comfortable expressing when he's upset with the others, as well as myself.


I don't know if this will mark the beginning of the others showing their memories or not. For now, no one's really volunteered. However, I'll support all of them no matter what, and it does seem at least Raymond needed this.

Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.
02-07-2017, 04:26 PM
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Saylin Offline
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#38
 
RE: Our Head-Shenanigans

2.8.17

So.. I said I was gonna update with a forcing session yesterday, didn't I? Heh.

About that... Well, by the time I intended to do it, Andrew and Sen had actually fallen asleep on us- so it was decided we'd just talk, and then do some forcing today- and make sure it's done before anyone falls asleep.

Honestly, active forcing doesn't really benefit us too much, anymore- however, it's nice to do anyway, as I feel closer to them when we do. And so, today we did a quick castle battle against monsters and visited "Fucking Hell," as it's named. Quite a fancy place, honestly. Was fun. Would go again.

That said, what I forgot to mention yesterday was Kane's possession. Something I saw in Ponytail's PR specifically was the idea of talking to another member while the other takes over, I believe- and I gotta admit, it's actually really helpful. Kane essentially made me into a human pinwheel, moving my legs and arms about as I talked to him about something unrelated.

As for why it was Kane? Well.. he was the first one I talked to and who I saw awake. Truthfully, from what I hear from him, he doesn't really sleep unless he absolutely has to, unlike the rest of us. He keeps watch to make sure no more accidentals form. "We have enough children in this head," he says.

As for today's practice, it was fronting, for Raymond, Claude, and Sen. I learned many things throughout the course of this: Sen is still so enamoured with fronting, she doesn't even notice what body she's in. Raymond is used to my skin tone as we're both tan, but seeing female parts on him filled him with a sense of discomfort. I hope in time, he can either impose himself or adjust to the body more. And Claude..

Well, Claude was practically screaming at everything about my body, boobs included. But hey, he managed to front.

Feeling someone else push to the front while you're distracted is odd, but also amazing in its own way. However, I'm still not fully in their place, so I still need to pull back even more.

Another thing I noticed was that Sen used my voice almost immediately, while Claude and Raymond struggle to use my voice. It seems they both have skills in moving and using different areas of my body. Hopefully, that balances out. And.. that's about it for now. I'll keep you posted.

As for a final note, this thought from Sen as she was fronting cracked me up:

"Oh, I see Annabell in the chat! I love Annabell!! I could just hug her and never let go!... But she'd probably grope my butt at some point and then it'd get awkward."

Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.
02-09-2017, 05:16 AM
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Ponytail Offline
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#39
 
RE: Our Head-Shenanigans

(02-09-2017, 05:16 AM)Saylin Wrote: That said, what I forgot to mention yesterday was Kane's possession. Something I saw in Ponytail's PR specifically was the idea of talking to another member while the other takes over, I believe- and I gotta admit, it's actually really helpful. Kane essentially made me into a human pinwheel, moving my legs and arms about as I talked to him about something unrelated.
Sweet. Nice to know that I was actually onto something there. Now I actually feel inspired to pursue this and try switching. Now if only i could be inspired outside school hours and actually while I'm at home. Hopefully a day comes soon where I'll be alone long enough to really have a grand conversation with Omega while Annabell takes over.
Or maybe I'll sit for two years, become one of those "old" people in the community and never progress. Then I'll see some new kid named Cornrows learn switching in a month after his tulpa's sentience or some shit.
(02-09-2017, 05:16 AM)Saylin Wrote: "Oh, I see Annabell in the chat! I love Annabell!! I could just hug her and never let go!... But she'd probably grope my butt at some point and then it'd get awkward."
... yeah, I probably would.

The System:

It's too big.
ha, that's what she said.
02-09-2017, 04:50 PM
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Saylin Offline
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#40
 
RE: Our Head-Shenanigans

Quote:Sweet. Nice to know that I was actually onto something there. Now I actually feel inspired to pursue this and try switching. Now if only i could be inspired outside school hours and actually while I'm at home. Hopefully a day comes soon where I'll be alone long enough to really have a grand conversation with Omega while Annabell takes over.

Haha, yes, you're always a great help. I'm sure you'll have switching down in no time! Now, progress time:

2.11.17

Today was a relatively interesting, though it's not over yet. We learned something a bit annoying, though: I still have partial control of the breathing, even when they front.

This was discovered today as Raymond fronted as we walked the dog. He mad some dorky comments, but nothing overly suspicious was noted by my aunt, who we walked with. That's why Raymond fronted to begin with- he's fairly good at blending in with a situation as needed. I was gradually pulling back as Raymond maneuvered the body, and we discovered that as soon as my vision of what was going on would move into headspace more, Raymond would have this "Oh shit I need to breathe the lungs stopped going" moment, followed by some vague panicking.

This means we're gonna have to practice the breathing part, and the only good news is, if this is what has been keeping me only in back seat, this means that I can now work on severing the tie keeping me from full dissociation. Maybe. Time will tell.

Claude fronted earlier a bit as well, and wishes to front later to try drawing. Should be fun seeing him do that, and we'll start this breathing training with him, first.

Something I noted when Claude and Raymond fronted was how.. happy they were. I feel getting out of mindspace is especially good for Claude, so I'm going to try and add it to our routine without being suspicious. It's also fascinating how when Claude fronted, he specifically went for my flannel shirt to have a more masculine appearance- he still doesn't like seeing my face in the mirror, but we can work on that.

Raymond also needs to stop complimenting parts of my body when in the front. It's embarrassing as fuck.
-

Aside from that, it's mainly been interpersonal stuff going on, bonding time, and hugs. Kane had a sad point we dealt with, and I've recently realized Lance still have an intense compassion for life and those in it. Just earlier, he cried over the loss of a bird. It's something programmed into his character, it seems, and while it's not a bad thing to have, I just hope he's okay later on. This burden of mourning the pain of the world is what drove him to be so depressed before, after all.

When Claude fronts to draw later, I'll either add it to this or just add it to the next PR. We'll see. Until then, good luck, and hope things go well with all of you tuppermancers out there.

Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.
02-11-2017, 08:25 PM
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