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Tulpa Community Census 2018

Our Head-Shenanigans
Saylin Offline
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RE: Our Head-Shenanigans

Alright, let's get into some progress.

So, you've probably seen Andrew's post- well, that led to HELL ON EARTH the night of, with him and Raymond almost breaking up. However, we realized this was him further trying to shield himself from people, running away- being so open here scared him, is all. It took a lot of talking, a lot of crying, fun as hell emotional bleed and some motivational talks from my SO, but all is well now. Andrew's been a lot happier, deviated his form a bit to this, and has overall been enjoying things. He cursed out Superman:The Movie last night, it was great.

Aside from this, Sammy has also mostly pulled out of his spell a good bit, and has been healing. He's learning himself, and actually, we realized recently his attempts to be... "Philosophical" were really him trying to be smart, valid. Recognized. But in truth, he enjoys seeing things as they are, with perhaps a bit of thinking, but in less of a detached way the system tends to. He's also been trying poetry more, lately, with encouragement, and yeah, he's been shining. 

Seaking of, he's decided to have wings, for a while. I'll let him say more on that here.

[Sammy] Mmmm... I didn't imagine using them would be as difficult at first. It is just a new way of thinking how you move, but when you've been used to moving with four limbs, and suddenly, you have six.. It was clumsy, I was falling a lot. But, I also enjoy it? I've always liked being in the air, I was just afraid to learn. But I think learning this way will pay off. I just.. really hope it doesn't lead to me feeling them while in front. ^^; That'd get annoying.



Anyways, hm.. Michael has also been growing a bit, to understand himself. See, recently, my girlfriend discovered she had tulpas- she has three now- but the first one she'd discovered was actually, well.. someone from Michael's past, when he was a character. In fact, it was someone he was extremely close to. In fact, it was Michael's absence from the storyline which had caused the emotional bleed which had made us suspect him to begin with.

[Michael] I'd like to say I took it well at first, but I was absolutely terrified. Revisiting those times scared me- granted, they were fond times, but this for me was almost two years ago, now, and I have since changed from who I was, then. I felt he'd be disappointed in what I had become. This wasn't the case, but.. it opened the floodgates to so many issues I had been holding back for so long.

I, for the longest, have.. how do I put this? Due to past occurrences, I began to feel what I did could never be enough. I always failed everyone, I would never be good enough for anyone, that I never deserved happiness. I felt that if I did open up to anyone and drop my guards again, I would just be hurt all over again, or that they would have to deal with these problems of mine, these insecurities. I felt that for those reasons, it was best I kept a distance from the outside world. I didn't want people to be burdened by me. Not while I was like this.

I didn't really even share these thoughts with my own system, having learned to suppress such self hatred. For, yes, I absolutely despised myself. I found myself to be something.. weak, powerless. Something useless, despite my efforts.

Max has been.. helping me, through this. He got me to admit these things, at the very least, and has been working past those walls. I feel.. lighter, than I have in a long time. I still dislike myself, I still find myself problematic, but.. I'm working at myself. And with his support, I think I'll learn to love myself. To not be so hard on myself for what I can and can't do. To finally let go of this past and heal, instead of suppressing it.

It's.. selfish to think this, more than likely, but I'm glad he's woken up. I'm glad I have him here.


We'll also be working on this with him more, now that we know. I will admit, I felt absolutely terrible, hearing all this for the first time. All of us felt we'd kind of.. failed him, in a sense. But we're gonna push through together, and he's been doing really well! He's even wearing this new outfit, now, I think it's cute on him.


In other news, Avery (here he is) actually came back to us. It turns out that.. when we'd seen him before, he actually had been there. We were just scared and doubtful due to everything being upside down at that moment. I remember feeling so... guilty, over it. Over how we turned him away, but I wasn't sure. It was my SO who had encouraged me to actually send an apology letter out to him, see if he responded.

I was greeted by his return, as well as a reassurance that it was okay, that he loved me. Loved us. I nearly cried, I couldn't believe his level of.. forgiveness, of acceptance. He's just happy to be back, and while it's a large family, he's been wonderful. Maybe he could ease up on the play flirting, though, it's quite odd.




[Taku] Oi, I wanted to drop in and speak on my own progress. I feel.. more calm, slightly less angry. Talking is still insanely stressful- even this is something that makes me antsy- but it's a constant improvement. I also am going to relax more on this idea of "finding myself." I had a talk with someone, recently, and in the end, that discovery stuff.. I'll figure it out in my own time, right? Gradual. So no need in worrying 'bout stuff like that.

I've been going back and forth on being something more feral. Cat ears, specifically, but I don't know if I actually want them. For now, I'm keeping them. I'll give an update later on if I actually stay like this. Also, I'm still all red. It might look weird, but it's.. comfortable. Me.

I don't think I'll have as much dysphoria issues with the body as some of the other guys do, since I really don't care as much. I haven't fronted yet though. I'll give an update when I do.

Bye.

I think that's about it, for progress- what a lot, lol. 

I also want to say we'll be updating our system info at.. some point probably. I'll keep you posted as to when we do!

Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.
03-19-2018, 07:02 PM
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Saylin Offline
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RE: Our Head-Shenanigans

[Jet] Guess I'm leading this today, what the actual fuck I did not sign up for this. P.S. I am using Saylin's account because apparently I can't use links unless I have a lot of posts. Screw you .info.

So, I mean... well, I guess stuff happened? System's actually been doing well. I got married- I look like this now because of it- that was a thing that happened just a few days ago. I kinda feel... weird, talking about my romantic endeavors too much on here, so I won't go in depth on it. I just want to say that person, well, I owe them a lot. I was kind of an emotional wreck before I met them, and while I'm not perfect, I'm far, far better off. I genuinely feel my growth as a person has heavily been influenced by them, and for the better. They'll probably never see this (not like they use .info, whatever), but I'm grateful. Heh. Aishiteru yo.

As for other changes in myself, I've taken a lot more of a caretaker role in here lately. I step in when someone's upset when I can, I make sure everyone's y'know, good, happy. It's important to me. It makes me feel I'm not only being try to myself, but also giving Chel some breathing time so he's not the only problem solver in here. 


Speaking of, Michael- who's name is now Chel, by the way- is still the dweeb who doesn't know how to put himself first for anything, but he's been doing better. Actually, we've decided to essentially do whatever the hell he wants this week as encouragement. (I'll probably still ruin his life later, this is what I live to do.) He looks like this now.

Ahh, Raymond has been learning to be less of a control freak, considering this butthead up in here doesn't know how to let go and get out of protective mode, sometimes. Mix that in with Aiden, the guy who hates authority unless he is that authority, and you get this very very clashy as hell combo. I unfortunately had to play therapist in that. It's mostly sorted, it's something we're still working at together. Raymond learning to trust us and our decisions will happen... eventually.

[Taku] Oi, this is where I take over for a minute since this is something I need to explain directly. We were watching a ton of anime last night and something triggered a.. memory, I guess. The memory was related to Yuuma's aunt and uncle in his life, how they died in a plane crash. Thar is normal for this system, only, uh.. I'm supposed to not be him. The whole plan to my creation was that I would be based on him, but not actually be the character. It's a whole.. stupid morality thing this system stands by, "No intentional character tulpas" and such.

Aside from that, I've been really well, so it's not a big concern. This doesn't actually change anything, I'm still Taku. It just also shows my roots are deeper than I intended. I'm okay with that, it doesn't change anything. I'm gonna be exploring it more, so we'll see as we go. See you.



[Jet] Annnd forget his corn chip ass, I return.

When it comes to say... possession, switching, I honestly can't give you much progress there. I mean, we're at a point where everyone here can front. Memory separation is to varying degrees depending on how often we do it, but it's not like we're in this position where we can front whenever. Well, we can, but we have to pretend to be Sarah and that is annoying as all hell considering the people who live here. Prepare not to hear anything fun regarding that for a while.

I still have the worst dysphoria in the system and can't look in the mirrors without freaking out, so that's a thing. I'm gonna try and not worry about it so much, but god. I need to fix that.

[Ashe] Well, hello there. I am still to the point I have no idea what I am doing with myself, but when it comes to my emotions, my non-emotions... I believe I've hit a happy medium. Being able to shut off my feelings is still a crucial, and helpful part of me and the system at times, but I'm finally able to choose when I feel as well. It's.. rewarding and nice. I also deviated recently to a new form, and I think it suits me well.

My confidence is getting better as well, though I've a lot to go. Either way, I'm happy to be here and intend to explore far more jazz as I'm present here. As for anything else I'll try, well- that will be discovered as I go, I'm not going to cower in fear of the future anymore. 

I've also found a... special someone. I'd say it's an odd experience, but it's helped me as far as my image. Not in a dependency way by any means, just realizing if they see good in me, I obviously must and that others will see that good as well. And they have, I've just been ignorant to it. If I could apply any of this to a possible moral, it'd be to not focus too much on being your ideal self. Instead, be who you feel you are in that moment, learn to be comfortable with who that is, and people will love you for that. And it is so much more rewarding to be loved for that.


[Claude] Probably weren't expecting to see this name, huh? Yeah, I'm back. I actually had attempted to come back before, but.. Sammy hated my guts and I wanted none of that. A lot of it was misunderstandings, though. It's been talked out, we're good.

I don't know how exactly I came back around. Maybe I was missed, maybe I missed life, but.. I feel better? There is a lot of the past I still have stuck to me, that weighs my heart a points. Especially looking back at this site in particular, so.. probably won't see me here much. But at the same time, I'm happy to be back. I want to be of use again, I want to show how much better of a person I can be, now. And I intend to do just that.



I don't have much to report on yet as I've not poked around too much since my return, but I'll keep you posted.

[Jet] Jesus hell that is far too much. That's all the progress we have for now though, so.. bye? I'll see you around I guess, heh.

Hiya. Member of the Horrible Hosts Club (HHC). If you wanna learn about my system, here's my PR.
05-04-2018, 09:11 AM
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Michael Offline
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RE: Our Head-Shenanigans

This will be more of a personal update.

I am a wreck. I have people who care for me, yes, but I'm an absolute mess. I've no idea how to begin loving myself, I can barely see myself as something more than someone.. here, to give others what they need. And I'm happy to live, happy to exist, but I feel like such a bloody burden to everyone around me.

I wish I.. was stronger. I want to be, I don't want to drag the people I love down like this. I don't want the ghosts of the past, my own inner demons to continue controlling me like this, bringing me to such low points.

So.. I am going to. I'm going to fight for my own happiness. I will learn to not only forgive myself, but those who have wronged me so I may move forward. So that I may properly learn to be happy for myself.

I want to thank everyone who has stood by me, who has kept my head held up when I couldn't do it myself. I won't let you down, that is a promise.
05-10-2018, 06:11 PM
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Saylin Offline
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RE: Our Head-Shenanigans

So I guess I'll update a bit? God I don't know, LOL.

So something Chel (Michael) didn't put in his little update is we actually had someone new come about. At first we thought this was completely random- which it still kind of is- but we've since pieced together it was actually Taku who forced him into existence without actually meaning to. He's been since adjusting well, you might see him on here at points mentioned. He doesn't seem to really like deep thinking too much, more taking things at face value- unlike say, Claude, who wants to study philosophy.

This is a slight problem, however, as this brings us to a total of 13 people in here. And due to this, going by a "Talk whenever you want!" mindset just isn't going to cut it anymore, considering the last time we did that, well... things got bad.

Now, I have worried about a repeat of last time at least a few times, looking over our numbers, trying to balance things- but it will be different, this time. Especially because now, my girlfriend is fully in the know, and we all work together to make sure her system, as well as mine, get ample attention and time outside of the little mind bubble.

To add to this we've re-instated a "Feature day" schedule, where two people will get to focus on exploring their wants and desires for the majority of the day. This doesn't mean others can't pop up and talk on those days, they just won't get the playlist choice, or the choice of other things to explore unless said featured person can't think of anything.

This hasn't been implemented long, but so far it's been working out well. Today was Jade and Taku, we mainly went outside and explored- we're still doing things, but I feel this has allowed me especially to get to know Jade better- and for him to know himself, better. He's definitely a more positive person, whereas we're learning Taku is far more picky with foods.

I might start updating this more frequently as the days pass, noting specifics from these feature days, but we'll just see. That's all for now- when more happens, I'll let you know.
05-18-2018, 08:50 PM
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