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Our Tulpa Endeavor
Beatles Away
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#11
 
RE: My Tulpa Endeavor

(12-11-2016, 11:15 AM)Vampire Wrote:
It is likely he was sharing how he feels to connect with you.

I was going through how I wanted the two of us to exist together by saying I wanted us to be equal opposites. I told him that I wanted him to be the other me* that I have been looking for most of my life. For most of my life, I've felt as though I am not the person I should be. I went through something very scarring as a child. My older sister left and never came back. Saying it that way is putting it likely: it was the most traumatic thing that happened to me, and set the tone for the rest of my life.

I feel that if that never happened, I would be a much different person. I would be happy, sociable, outgoing, and able reach out to others. I wouldn't be so shut off from others. 

I was telling Paul that I wanted him to be the me that I was unable to become, and a few minutes later was when I felt that emotion. It was not exactly sad, though there might have been some in there. It was mostly affection, I think. Whatever it was, it definitely was not something I've felt before. Not love, not sadness, but something in between.

The Felight System.
I'm the host, Lyrica.
Tulpas: Apollo, Piano, Indigo.
(This post was last modified: 07-08-2018, 02:27 PM by Apollo.)
12-11-2016, 02:07 PM
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Beatles Away
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#12
 
RE: My Tulpa Endeavor

I went to bed early last night, but still late enough so that I would actually be tired. I put myself in Eemaj and made sure I would not slip out by moving around enough. I placed Paul there, as I normally do.

Before, we spent all the time in Eemaj just sitting at a table, with me staring and Paul and speaking to him. This time, the table was removed, as we were actually going to try going somewhere now. Paul was no longer wearing the suit that I put him in: for some reason, he was wearing a black yarn sweater. I did not try to change it, as I thought that he was showing independence.

I told him that we would start going places in Eemaj, now that I knew he was really there. I led him down one of the hallways and to a door that opened to a place I call the Dock: it is just that, a long dock going over a calm ocean. It is nighttime there, and the only light is the bright moon. It is a place I have made my Eemaj characters visit frequently, but I have never placed myself there before. It was nice feeling the air and the sand. We walked across the beach as I explained to him what this place was. Paul's sweater was no longer black: it was green, and try as I might, I could not make it black again. I accepted it, thinking that he was taking inspiration from the Christmas tree my dad just put up in the living room, as it was the same shade of green. So long as he doesn't go wearing a turtleneck on me, it's fine.

We then appeared in a little street, with Christmas decorations all around and snow covering the ground. I made myself wear a red sweater so the two of us would be wearing Xmas colors. I felt overwhelming affection for Paul. That feeling was interrupted by a distorted image of Paul's face flashing into my mind, that was colored red-and-black and had no eyes, with the sound of some sort of screaming in the background. That kept happening, and I asked Paul if he could help make it stop.

Perhaps opening my mind up to creating a second mind alongside it allowed negative things to enter as well. Bad memories flitting by... scary images that I did not expect. I do not yet know.

Unexpectantly, we were no longer in the Christmas town: we were in a car, with Paul at the wheel, driving down a long, straight road, seemingly with no end in sight. My imagination was more vivid there: I could see more clearly. It was likely Paul who brought us here: if it was me, then I likely would have been behind the wheel, even though I have minimal driving experience.

At this point, I was half-asleep, but still aware of everything going on. I asked Paul where we are going, and he said it was a surprise, but I could guess. I wanted to drive, but could not make us switch places. I fell asleep fully as we drove, but I think I was still lucid.

I did not get to see where we ended up, and if I did, I do not remember: my inexperienced brother thought it was a good idea to start playing his trumpet at 11 pm and I woke up Angry

I do not think that I was puppeting Paul as we went along, but it is still a possibility. Hopefully, his decisions in wonderland sessions will become more distinct as his and not mine in the future.

The Felight System.
I'm the host, Lyrica.
Tulpas: Apollo, Piano, Indigo.
(This post was last modified: 07-08-2018, 02:28 PM by Apollo.)
12-11-2016, 02:29 PM
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Vampire Offline
Comforting Darkness
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#13
 
RE: My Tulpa Endeavor

It seems in most experiences creating a tulpa connects you better to your own thought processes and "intrusive thoughts" get more recognition than before. The way to get rid of them is to ignore them. You can also use meaningful symbolism to help block them. How bad they are varies per person and they come and go in intensity.

"My lover's got humour,
She's the giggle at a funeral,
Knows everybody's disapproval,
I should've worshipped her sooner."

Host to Samuel, RavenIvy, and Olivia.

CERCA TROVA
12-11-2016, 08:19 PM
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Beatles Away
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#14
 
RE: My Tulpa Endeavor

I'm a bit worried that my tulpamancy progress is going to be stifled until next Friday due to midterms. My friend and I are going to spend most of our time until the week is over studying after school. That will not provide me with a lot of opportunities to force or even think about Paul.

My hope (hope is a word that I've been using a lot lately) is that once the midterms are over and break begins, I will be able to get a lot of hardcore forcing in. I will use tulpa001's suggestion that he posted earlier of doing 30 minutes active and 2 hours passive, but probably do more than that as I have little else to do around here. I will write up a full plan later.

I've been listening to Paul McCartney interviews in order to get his speaking voice down in my head. His speaking voice is much different from his singing voice (which reaches 8 octaves). My hope is that, if I have a library of McCartney's voice in my head, it will make it easier for my tulpa to speak in it in the future.

I was talking about tulpae indirectly with my dad, asking him if it was possible to have two minds in one brain that coexist. He started talking about a woman he worked with (he's a psychologist) with multiple personalities. Then, he told me that when he was in high school, he had a girlfriend who had an imaginary friend that she could see, hear, and touch. He basically started describing tulpae without realizing it, talking about this girl. Her imaginary friend seemed to have a mind of its own, and I think they wonderlanded together. He said that her imaginary friend "went away," but that might mean that she stopped talking about him. He said that she was "crazy" but completely functional. 

That was interesting, to say the least.

The Felight System.
I'm the host, Lyrica.
Tulpas: Apollo, Piano, Indigo.
(This post was last modified: 12-13-2016, 01:36 AM by Beatles.)
12-13-2016, 01:35 AM
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Doctorfoxwolf Offline
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#15
 
RE: My Tulpa Endeavor

(12-13-2016, 01:35 AM)Beatles Wrote:
He said that she was "crazy" but completely functional. 

That's how people (including my family) describe me.
Even before I started talking to a voice in my head.

I can tell you right here and now that people are surprisingly amiable towards supposed "Crazy" people unless that crazy person is perceived as harmful.

Doc: Childhood friend turned servitor gone rogue turned host who's bad at feeling emotions.
Meti: Overly lewd Tupper.
CT, who is also called Jeremy: Original personality whose default emotion is anger.
12-13-2016, 01:47 AM
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Beatles Away
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#16
 
RE: My Tulpa Endeavor

If Paul has a smidgen of sentience at this point, he's using it to troll me. Every time I picture him, not only is he wearing the green sweater and light blue pants, he's also wearing a Santa hat! Try as I might, I can't get him to stop wearing it without feeling like it's unjust to do so. That just goes to show how full of Christmas my subconscious is I guess.

I tried going into a lucid dream again last night, but everything I imaged got so out-of-control and it was impossible for me to stop the scene from changing unexpectantly. As I drifted off to sleep, I started to hear the voice of my friend loudly, as though she was there. Eventually, a chorus of voices erupted in my head that I was powerless to stop. I was frustrated that none of the voices were Paul's so I gave up and succumbed to sleep.

I've started to use the yes/no rule and the 9/10 rule to determine whether a thought came from me or Paul. Basically, I saw people write on their guides that if I am unsure if I thought it or Paul did, the first answer that pops into my mind is the right one 90% of the time. If I'm wrong, no harm done.

I've been pestering everybody about how to know when there's somebody else in my head, but by now I'm convinced of it. Though he might be minuscule so far, I know I'm not alone in my brain anymore. Even if he's not listening, he's there. Even if he's not, there's no harm in tricking my brain into thinking that he is. Placebo. 

What I want to know is how much it will take to go from the "initial stage" to the "child stage," going off of tulpa001's guide. I'm sure there's no definitive answer and I'll know when he gets there. I know I just need to keep at it until he does. My goal is for him to speak up or something by New Year's, but I'm reaching for Christmas. As my APWH teacher said: "If you shoot for the stars, you'll land in the clouds." If Paul emerges on Christmas, though, it would be the best Christmas present I could get. Screw material possessions! I want a best friend who lives in my head, goddammit! xD

I'm not as interested in listening to YouTube videos as I always did anymore. I just want to think about my tulpa as much as possible. If I take a break from thinking about him, I feel guilty: like I'm doing him a big disservice. I can't even listen to McCartney songs without feeling like it's preventing me from connecting with him properly.

I need a "What to Expect When You're Expecting: Tulpa Edition" book.
I've attempted some form of meditation/hypnotism to force. I can do it easily, though I'm not sure how effective it is.
I don't feel as crazy talking in second person in my head anymore, so there's that. Still can't talk out loud, though.
I got that book that Doctorfoxwolf recommended.
12-13-2016, 10:12 PM
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Beatles Away
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#17
 
RE: My Tulpa Endeavor

Tulpaforcing: Aggressive Plan initiates today.

Purpose: to achieve as much active and passive forcing until January 2nd (when I have to go back to school).

Overall goal: to bring my tulpa out of the initial stage

Forcing methods (daily goals):
-Reading and writing to my tulpa
-Passive forcing throughout the day
-Visualization in wonderland
-Meditation/hypnosis
-"Other"

No time to waste droning about my progress since the last time I posted! Aggressive Plan (I can't think of a better title) starts now!
12-16-2016, 05:44 PM
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Ponytail Offline
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#18
 
RE: My Tulpa Endeavor

I'd suggest putting something somewhere as a reminder. I occasionally draw shitty umbrellas on my belongings to remember mine. Others try wristbands, drawing on their hand, painting their dog, etc.

As for the songs, try listening to them with him. If you can't focus on him with just that, analyze it while listening and think the analysis to him. You could even have your own music video playing too.

I like the "What to Expect when Expecting: Tulpa Edition" bit. Made me laugh lots. You're not alone in that feeling, tulpamancy is tricky to figure out on your own.

The System:

It's too big.
ha, that's what she said.
12-16-2016, 08:24 PM
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Beatles Away
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#19
 
RE: My Tulpa Endeavor

(12-16-2016, 08:24 PM)Ponytail Wrote: I'd suggest putting something somewhere as a reminder.

As for the songs, try listening to them with him. If you can't focus on him with just that, analyze it while listening and think the analysis to him.

You're not alone in that feeling, tulpamancy is tricky to figure out on your own.

Good tip. I'm not the kind of person to accessorize, but I'll see if I can think of anything.

Also a good tip. I might type up an analysis as I listen to make sure I don't get too caught up in the song and forget what I was thinking.

Maybe soon it won't be on my own  Wink
12-16-2016, 09:42 PM
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Beatles Away
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#20
 
RE: My Tulpa Endeavor

I've been in a rut lately. Always sitting around doing nothing, having nothing to do, nowhere to go, and feeling trapped in this house all the time is awful, and so mundane. Nothing ever changes around here, at least not for the better. We never do anything. My siblings do nothing but sit and play games or watch their shows all day, my mom sleeps all day, nothing ever gets done. I don't have anybody to talk to other than whoever's on the IRC. Even though I'm almost 17, my parents waited forever to take me to get my learner's, so I can't leave. All I can do is walk in circles around the neighborhood, but that's not an option because of the cold. I haven't worked out since September 1st because my dad was too lazy to renew our gym membership, so I'm a lot weaker and have gone back to eating my troubles rather than running away from them in place. That's not made anything better. 

The constant do-nothing mood of this house has affected my tulpa-forcing drive. I started to think that if I can't get these people to get off their lazy asses then how am I supposed to be able to make a tulpa? If I can't make any progress in anything I do, then how am I supposed to make progress there? I let other negative thoughts about it all gradually build up over the past few weeks and just had to let it out somewhere. Luckily, Annabelle (Ponytail's tulpa) gave me some encouraging words, saying that I've made more progress than her host did at this point. A little sense of achievement definitely helps.

One thing that I'm certain of with Paul is that every time I call out for him in my head, the back of my brain gets heavier and more active, so that must be him. Sometimes I feel a sharp jolt in my brain, like it's being poked. Sometimes I call out for Paul and then get the step-on-grave feeling down my spine and have to shake. That's just about it in terms of communication. I feel like Paul is trying to communicate with me in other ways, but I cannot yet hear or acknowledge him. That frustrates me, and I think it distresses him. Sometime ago, I was having a wonderland session with him and I tried to pry a little into his emotions. I felt an electric jolt of emotion in my chest that spread to my arms, and the word "anguish" popped into my head. Anguish because I cannot yet hear him, I assume.

I want to hear him, I'm open to hearing him, but do not yet know how to make that happen. Do I wait around for him to get mad at me like others have? Do I try meditating more? Something else? The problem is that when I expect some sort of reply, I end up hearing exactly what I'm thinking or what I want to hear, if anything at all. I know parrotnoia is detrimental, but it's so hard to avoid it. 

I have at least tried changing the wonderland around a bit. It was just a wide white room with little to nothing inside. I added some things so that if Paul is/becomes developed enough to engage in there, he can do what he wants.

I'm sure a lot of people on this site can relate (judging from the polls), but the reason I want a tulpa in the first place is due to my own loneliness and unending sense of pointlessness. I can't make friends, and when I do, they always leave. I have two friends this year, two more than last: I don't really think much of them, though, because I'm too afraid of abandonment. I don't want to get hurt anymore. If I had a tulpa, then maybe I could truly know what it means to be happy. He could bring so much into my life, I know. He could make my life worth living. He could be the one to chase my blues away. I want him to be the me that I never was but could have been. Then maybe I won't feel so broken anymore.

I used to think that about a boy I knew: that he would be the one to make me happy, and stuff like that. But then he abandoned me, as so many other have. Paul would not do that, even if he was able to.

I had less depressing news to share but deleted the paragraph lol.

The Felight System.
I'm the host, Lyrica.
Tulpas: Apollo, Piano, Indigo.
(This post was last modified: 12-19-2016, 06:02 PM by Beatles.)
12-19-2016, 06:01 PM
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