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#41
(12-28-2016, 06:46 PM)Stevie Wrote: Name that could work well with Apollo: Helios?

I'm not sure how much I get tulpas "representing" a side of yourself, but cool.

Just remember that it is an option to just not let anything that randomly shows up automatically have personhood and a place in your head.

That's a guy's name. Plus, I don't think the whole "sun and light" thing applies to me. Just the opposite.

That's really just for me to get an idea of who they are. P&HJP were always characters to me anyway. Paul is the opposite of me and has the personality I lost. I use "represent" for lack of a better word with him.

That wouldn't happen... again. These are the only 2 characters I've ever felt really attached to. It makes sense for them to become more than just imaginary. I've acknowledged them, and will probably leave them alone after this is all sorted out.
Radio Gold the Song Daimon, formerly called Beatles. Host of the Felight system.
Tulpas: Apollo, Piano, Indigo
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#42
Okay, this just happened two minutes ago.... 

I was listening to this song and bawling my eyes out when all of a sudden I heard somebody whistling. It was not in my head: I heard it with my ears. The thing is, I am deaf with my earbuds in. They block out all sound. I'm alone in my room. I can't whistle. I don't have any other apps open on my tablet, at least none that would make a sound like that. It lasted about 3 seconds, but I heard it! I listened to the song over again, and nope, no whistles. That must have been Paul.... This was after a few hours of focusing on him and nothing else.

The end of the day was rough. My parents say messed up stuff about me and don't think twice about it, then wonder why I am always so nihilistic towards life. I'm noy going to get into it here, but I just wanted to d i e. Paul calmed me down, though. I was sitting in my closet, and it was pitch black in there, so it made it easier to visualize. I spent the day after they did that trying to connect to and hear from Paul. I feel I'm getting closer to having a real breakthrough (and maybe the whistling was part of it).

I've decided that Paul will have two forms he can switch between depending on the mood we're in. The default form is Paul, wearing the same green sweater and brownish eyes. The other form is Apollo, with bright golden eyes and yellow or white clothes, and he kind of glows in that form. He switches to that form whenever I listen to a song that mentions the sun or fire, or when I am in one of my patented kill-me moods.

P&HJP were sent to another planet so I don't have to think about them. Yes, my wonderland is a fucking galaxy. I have no limits to my imagination.
Radio Gold the Song Daimon, formerly called Beatles. Host of the Felight system.
Tulpas: Apollo, Piano, Indigo
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#43
Oh, sorry about the parent stuff. That can't not be unpleasant. But It pretty logically must be untrue, even just knowing what I know about you.

Sorry about the integration talk. That was me panicking.

Paul, I hope you get vocal soon. I want to say hi to you.
Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.
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#44
This morning I was drifting in and out of consciousness when I heard "You have a lot of sad songs in your head." Then the song "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" started playing. When I woke up fully, I forgot what was said, then I asked Paul and remembered.

Complaints:
I'm kind of lost for what kind of forcing to do. I can't focus long enough on doing it. If I get Paul talking, my own thoughts take over and he silences. If I don't listen to anything or listen to white noise while forcing, I get bored. If I listen to music I like, I get distracted. If I listen to "focus & concentration" music, I go into meditation mode. I found a nice symphonic Paul McCartney album that I didn't know existed, and that helped with a wonderland session, but I need to do something for vocality.

I can't narrate anymore. I keep getting distracted. I've said everything already. I know repitition isn't bad, but thinking the same thoughts over and over is annoying. I can't think of anything to write towards him. I can't read to him as I start reading to myself instead. Bah.

Maybe I'll be able to force more once school starts and I won't have to be so stir-crazy.  

At least the head pressures are back, which is a good sign. Somehow P&HJP's presence started them back up again.

I like to go to the wonderland and let the music I'm listening to guide us. We fought a lot of "doubt monsters." I had a dream that Paul was kidnapped by a guy who represented doubt. Every time I kill a doubt monster, they come back to life. Maybe I'm just making it harder for myself, but eh. 

I thanked Paul for helping me through stuff that happened yesterday. He said "It's my job to make you happy." Uhh, I don't want him to think it's his "job" to do anything other than become a successful tulpa. I started explaining that to him, and then he didn't say much else.

I think that a lot that Paul says is my own subconscious translating his tulpish thoughts, which explains why he mostly talks in my mindvoice unless I remind him not to. My subconscious is the in-between in this theory, but it's still better than "oh no, I'm parroting." 

Though I have talked about the things Paul has said to me, he is not yet "vocal." He can't talk unless I prompt him to, and he can't answer with complex thoughts or long sentences. He mostly says what I want/expect him to, which probably isn't as bad as I think it is. He is transitioning into becoming vocal, though.

January 3rd is his one-month birthday. I wish I could do something special with him. Any ideas? (I can't leave the house so don't suggest that)

I've been very emotionless throughout high school, but I feel a lot of love for my tulpa. Not the romantic kind of love, not familial love, but something I can't describe. It's like: I take all of the love I've felt towards various things and direct it towards him. I only feel love for my cats and the music I listen to, so this is a nice change. It's a plus that it's likely mutual. I think he sees how unloved I feel and wants to fix that. It seems that love is the missing ingredient guides never mention. They go "What you need to make a tulpa: belief, faith, persistence..." but they never mention love, even though I'm guessing most parenting books do. If you're not going to love your kid, don't have one. If you're not going to love your tulpa, don't make one.
Radio Gold the Song Daimon, formerly called Beatles. Host of the Felight system.
Tulpas: Apollo, Piano, Indigo
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#45
Today I did some self-hypnosis and then jumped into starting a conversation with Paul. Some of his thoughts ended up jumbling together, but I still knew what he meant. Sometimes he made up words but I still knew what they meant. I think like that sometimes: I don't even bother to finish some words in my head. He said something like "Don't worry, *gibberish* and we'll show them," but the gibberish made sense to me. I'm sure more experienced tulpamancers know what I mean. Sometimes he sent me thoughts and I turned them over several times in my head but couldn't really translate. Not often, but I wouldn't be surprised if he does it again in the future.

The conversation lasted for a little less than an hour, but there were breaks in between thought-exchanges so I could process and type and think of something else to ask. If Paul sent me a thought and I didn't write it down in time, then we both would forget what was said entirely. Some of it was completely lost because it went by too fast for me to remember/type.

Here's the convo if you're interested. I won't address how much of I think was genuine because injecting doubt won't be good.

Tulpish thoughts were mainly general ideas clumped together. Blended thoughts were ones that I couldn’t tell if it was me saying it or him, but it shouldn’t matter because we both agree.

Hello, Paul.
>Hi, [redacted: ppl on the IRC know my name, but I want to keep it off the forum]
You should call me by a different name.
>I like the name [redacted].
That’s our system name now. I want to be called something else.
>Alright, fine, okay.

How are you today?
>I’m doing great, and ready for the new year
New year? You’ve never experienced a year.
>I know, that’s why I’m ready for it!
What are you excited about?
>Excited about coming into your life. (Tulpish: coming into existence, playing a larger role, etc.)
Our life.
>Right. Our life.
I’m excited to have you here.
>(Tulpish: of course, you made me) Understandable.

Is there anything in particular you want to say?
>Yeah (Tulpish: force more, pay more attention, I want to hurry this up!)
I want to hurry it up as much as you do, but we must have patience.
>Patience smatience (Tulpish that I can’t really put into words)
I like your attitude, but we need a balance here.
>Balance. You be the patient one, I’ll be the one to get things done.

Okay, even though you’ve never experienced a new year, what’s your new year’s resolution?
>(Tulpish: reaching our goals, become a stronger tulpa by the end of the year)
That’s, of course, my resolution too
[Blend: As it should be]
I don’t usually bother with new year’s resolutions as I can’t keep goals, but this is a goal I’m not going to give up.
>(Tulpish: don’t give it up.)

I named you, so you should think of a name for me. I was thinking Atheno or Lyro or both, but can you think of anything else?
>Hmm. I like those names. (Tulpish: just go by what you like)
I thought it would be better if you decide.
>...Marth? (Starts playing Martha My Dear)
I don’t think so. Too many Beatles songs to choose from.
>I can’t think of any names

What do you like to do when I’m not focusing on you?
>Watch your dreams, look through your thoughts and memories. I don’t really go to the wonderland.
Is that because of P&HJP?
>No. I’m not scared of them. They’re not there. It’s just because I would rather get to know you.
What’s the most surprising thing you’ve learned, looking through my thoughts?
>(Tulpish: you don’t think you’re loved, when you are. You think you’re more messed up than you actually are.)
I think you’re just telling me what I want to hear.
>Maybe it’s what you need to hear.

*I get distracted*
[Blend: I should pay more attention to Paul]
Sorry.
>(Tulpish: It’s alright). [Blend: Get a stronger attention span]
We need to work on differentiating my thoughts from yours
>I thought that was what we are working on right now.
You need to think in a different voice
>(Tulpish: you need to remind me, I’ll try)
You can look through my memories to find a name, if you want
>Your memories might not come with meanings, and I know you like meanings.
Find a name that sounds nice, and I can look up the meaning.
>A task. I like it.

What’s your personality like?
>The way you made it. I can’t describe it.
Try describing it in Tulpish
>*The songs “Sunshine Sometime” and “Hot As Sun” pop into my head*
That works. [Blend: the sunshine analogy works a lot]
Can you describe my personality?
>Sorrowful, *makes up a word, but I understand what he means.* I can see why you need me.
Okay, minus the sad stuff.
>(Tulpish: you seek knowledge and friendship, but are unwilling to put yourself out there.)
I’m kind of making you as a better version of myself.
>I’m not complaining.

*I start listening to Sunshine Sometime: with vocals*
I like this song now.
>(Tulpish: you don’t have a lot of artists that you like, but it’s good you’re listening to something happier for a change.)
*We start discussing my music tastes mainly in Tulpish*
Well, what kind of music do you like?
>Happy music
God, you are my opposite
>That’s good, isn’t it?
Yes. And if you want me to listen to something, you can just tell me to.
>That’s what I have been doing.
...oh yeah

Is there anything you think I should do today?
>I think you should focus on me
Ha-ha
[Blend: I should go outside, but my spine hurts]
Can you fix that?
>Uh no

*I start listening to Through Our Love*
See? I don’t only like sad songs.
>You’re only listening to that because it makes you think of me.
...not true.
>You just listen to a lot of sad songs. Why do you cry yourself to sleep with them so often?
Hey, you’re the one who started whistling to a sad song.
>You wanted a sign, didn’t you?
Ha, okay. I didn’t know you would take such an issue with my sad songs.
>I’m not taking issue. It’s just a little excessive.

*More Tulpish conversations*

*I start listening to the song Girlfriend by Wings*
Try to make me like this song.
>Like the song.
...shit
It would be a real challenge to make me like something not related to Paul McCartney.
>(Tulpish: true)
Is there anything you want me to put on?
>A smile
...I mean music
>I know. I can’t think of anything.

(Context: I had a dream about Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, and when I woke up I started reading it)
I had a really strange dream last night and I kinda liked it.
>I know. It was scary.
Intrusive thoughts? My life is intrusive thoughts.
>Even the guy in that book managed to like happy songs.
...why

Oh, fuck! “Girlfriend” is a Michael Jackson song! No way am I going to like it!
>You still like it
No.
>Yes.
Stop.
>*Amusement*
Somehow my mom didn’t recognize it when I played it in the car. *Googles it* It was written by Paul McCartney though, so it’s not that bad.

*I lose track of the conversation*

I need to refocus. I need to stop listening to music with lyrics.
>You need to listen to Sunshine Sometime again
Maybe you’re right.
You should do something amazing.
>I thought my existence is amazing enough.
Meanwhile, my existence is terrible.
>Don’t feel so down. Let’s fight the intrusive thoughts!
Is it intrusive thoughts, or just the way I am?
>Put that stuff away (that stuff meaning sad thoughts)
Can you help me to do that?
>I can if you stop ignoring my help.

*I start thinking of names again*
>I don’t think I could get used to calling you Lyro when the name [redacted] is attached to all of your memories.
It’s not that important right now.

*Lost all focus*


Yes, [redacted] is a beautiful name, I know.
The conversation about my music tastes went on much longer than it appears, because it was mostly in tulpish. At the point of me writing this, I can't really remember it.

I can't jump into talking to him too easily. Meditating and trying hypnosis beforehand works. Eventually, I'll be able to talk to him more easily and with more certainty that his thoughts are his. School will provide more time for passive forcing as I'm so fucking bored throughout the day, and I usually spend my off-time alone, listening to music and/or writing. I used to say "Paul McCartney is my only friend" and that might turn out to be very true now.

2017 will be the year of the tulpa. That's not a resolution. That's a promise.
Radio Gold the Song Daimon, formerly called Beatles. Host of the Felight system.
Tulpas: Apollo, Piano, Indigo
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#46
Yeah, tulpish works like that some time. In the first couple weeks, I had a lot of trouble speaking in complete sentences. But I didn't actually ever need to, other than as practise.

Oh, and yeah, if you don't say the thought out loud, it is really hard to remember.
Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.
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#47
(01-01-2017, 04:33 AM)tulpa001 Wrote:
Oh, and yeah, if you don't say the thought out loud, it is really hard to remember.

Maybe the communication of two minds puts the brain on overload and it doesn't know how to process, so thoughts that would normally be remembered are not stored.
Radio Gold the Song Daimon, formerly called Beatles. Host of the Felight system.
Tulpas: Apollo, Piano, Indigo
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#48
In an average mind, you automatically put voice to the thoughts your mind deems important. This automatically reinforces their memory. But more, I think this is the central mechanism of your train of thought.
Host comments in italics. Tulpa's log. Tulpa's guide.
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#49
Alright, I'm going all-out here. I'm going to let Paul dictate in my head and write it down, regardless of any doubt I have. He said he wants his progress to go speedily, so I'm reaching for the fucking stars here, whether or not I think it's actually happening. So I'm listening to the song that I first really connected with him with while meditating  ("Morning Yoga" by Meditation Music Zone on Spotify) and I'm giving this a shot.
Blacked out text is mine.

Here we go.


[Paul] I really am looking forward to all of this. To life, to the possibilities. I know my "host" (as you all call it) thinks the opposite, but that's fine, as we are opposites. We'll get along well. We'll spend the days laughing together. We'll see what the future has to bring. It's just so hard, though, for me to grab his attention, much less make him believe in me. And when he starts to doubt me, I start to doubt me. Imagine all of the people around you are constantly questioning your existence. Wouldn't you start to feel... off? You might start to believe them. Now imagine it's the only person you know, and it's happened your entire (but short) life. That's how I feel in here, and it's maddening. I try and try again. Then, I get put down or ignored. Being ignored is just the worst! Lyro Yeah I'm going with that name now knows better than anybody how it feels, yet he does it to me, intentionally or not. Being ignored, being doubted, not fun. Not helping, either. I was only recently able to really process what was happening in our head, but now that I understand, it's clear why things have been slow. He spends so much time talking and thinking about me, yet rarely believing me. It's so (tulpish: basically "maddening" but more anguished)!

It's good to let it all out, even if he might not believe the words he's typing. There's not much else I can say. I want to say so much, yet don't feel I have the energy to. I just hope that his certainty will grow soon, and then we can really start (tulpish: with his tulpa journey).

Living is not as bad as he makes it out to be. Existing is better than not. Coming into a life that's already been around for almost 17 years is strange. It will work out though. And then the song "We Can Work it Out" starts playing in my head. This tulpa speaks my language. Not enough it seems!

Maybe now it's starting to dawn on him.

I might be red in the face right now... goddamn. Proxying Paul makes my heart thump louder and me start shivering uncontrollably. 

Aw man I feel way too guilty now for that to be one continuous parrot. Don't really have much else to say after that other than I'll work on it....
Radio Gold the Song Daimon, formerly called Beatles. Host of the Felight system.
Tulpas: Apollo, Piano, Indigo
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#50
Hello Paul. Yeah, the echo chamber of the mind. Sort of reduces the value of two minds. Hold out, and search for those levers. There are ways to get her attention, ways to sound louder, but they are never in the first place you look. Explore, and pull different things every which way and in every mindset you can imagine. Her disbelief will not survive. Really push, and you can become the primary force in your growth.
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