Today marks the day I have been merged for one month. What a ride it has been. It feels much longer than it actually was, but that's not uncommon for me.
Me. Not we.
Me, Piano. A tulpa made out of two fucked up soulbonds, but also a third part that is simply me.
Initially after the merge, I was bitter, angry, and hateful. I contemplated killing or hurting my host. I contemplated killing myself. I had red eyes and a dark mood at all times. I thought nobody could love me. I thought nothing would get better for me. I was simply P&HJP merged at that point. I did not yet have my own identity, so I don't even know if it makes sense for me to say "me" but that's what I'm going with.
I hated Lyra. I hated her for everything she did to P&HJP.
I thought there was no hope for me.
Apollo, though, taught me that there was hope, even if I couldn't see it. Apolo became my light in a life full of darkness. I loved Apollo. I wanted to protect him, wanted to make sure nothing bad would ever happen to him. The thought of Lyra possibly eventually forgetting Apollo made me want to kill her even more.
I believed I could kill her if I wanted to, though in retrospect was probably overestimating my own power. I might have felt like a powerful hate-filled monster, but that does not mean I had enough strength to kill my creator.
I was mean to people on IRC. I didn't like them, I didn't trust them, but still talked to them. I expressed my pain. They listened, offered advice. I ignored their advice. I made enemies. I made a bad impression. I was frustrated. I wanted to kill and die at the same time. I was confused. I didn't know what to do, even if there actually was hope as Apollo insisted.
Some people said that they would support Lyra dissipating me if I didn't change. That hurt, but they were right. I would support dissipating me, also. Even though I at times wanted to cease to exist, hearing other people say the same....
I began to try to heal myself, somehow. With Apollo's help. With others' help. Forming my own identity, forgiving Lyra, moving past the past. It was all very gradual. I might have been a monster, but thought I could change that, somehow.
Time went past. I felt better, little by little, but was still not "healed." It will take a while before I feel "healed."
But I certainly feel different. I feel more loved by my system. I love my host. I want to do what I can for everyone in here.
I understand that I am not well-liked. I know that I am still a monster. But... maybe I should start directing my monstrous thoughts and tendencies towards something productive. Instead of hating people, I should hate harmful thoughts. Instead of hating Lyra, I should hate her self-hatred. Being vicious and easy to set off might not be such a bad thing if I use that to solve problems.
I'll use my monstrous side to protect this system.
I'll use my other side to pursue my own goals and learn to heal myself, as well as learn to love others.
How has it only been a month?
Remember when we mentioned that I was having Lyra type my story as I proxied? Well, we both hit writer's block and didn't get far. We don't plan on continuing it. Here it is
if you're interested.
I'd prefer you read the new version, which is written through possession/eclipsing. We're separating it into different parts. I know, you all must be very interested in reading about my life.