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Our Tulpa Endeavor
Beatles Offline
Lyra, Apollo, Piano
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RE: Our Tulpa Endeavor
FINALLY some possession progress! Apollo and Piano have not been able to do much else at all, but we've found that they excel at vocal possession.

I went somewhere really isolated (the middle of the woods next to a little creek) and started talking with Apollo as I walked around. After a while, Piano jumped in. No surprise, Piano was better at it than Apollo.

Piano made my voice sound like Raven from Teen Titans. Apollo spoke in a higher and slightly more annoying tone of voice than me.

Piano and I bickered and Apollo tried to mediate. Piano didn't seem to realize that I could hear his thoughts before he spoke. He had the urge to call me a "stupid bitch" but didn't. I told him to just go ahead and say it. It was all in good fun though.

There was one point in which Apollo tried to say "don't be so paranoid" and "don't get so paranoid" at the same time, so it came out "don't ge so paranoid." They need to learn to make their words coincide with their thoughts a little better.

We're gonna keep practicing.

Piano has made my own inferiority complex his enemy. All people who feed into it he declares war against. He made me snap at somebody who was ridiculing me in front of a bunch of people in class yesterday. He wants me to stand up for myself more and not put up with other people's BS.

Apollo has similar sentiments, only he wants me to improve my self esteem. He's been encouraging me to go outside and go to the gym more. I made a bunch of excuses to not do that, but he said that if I didn't want to do it for me, I should do it for them.

They both want to get more involved in my life and encourage me to improve it.

I'm going to try a thing over the next few days.

Have Piano front by connecting to my senses, paying attention to what I do, try to interrupt my thoughts, and try to grab control.

Have Apollo try to keep his form visible in my mind's eye and maybe with my actual eyes.

If they want to switch roles then they can do so.

Let's see if it workssss

Brain family - Lyra: host Apollo: 12-week-old tulpa Piano: merged thoughtform
"You think you shouldn't have done that? Well, you did, and now you have to get yourself out of it."
02-24-2017, 01:34 PM
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Beatles Offline
Lyra, Apollo, Piano
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RE: Our Tulpa Endeavor
Yesterday, Apollo received some much-needed motivation for possession. 

He started by drawing. I of course had to help him a little, but we hope that soon he'll gain control with practice. He drew tulpa001 and tried to do other things. He tried to draw some things using online drawing tools, but kept getting frustrated and scribbled all over the page.

He soon was able to move the entire body. To me, if just felt like I was moving, but I'm trying to quash those thoughts as they help nothing. Doubt is normal, I've heard. Letting them practice without worrying too much over who is doing what will help them to gain full control. Apollo stretched the body and felt stuff around us. He liked petting the cat, and started hugging him awkwardly. 

It was kind of strange: I've pet that cat so much that his fur lost the original feel under my fingers. I've gotten so used to the feel. so now it's just dull. When Apollo touched him, he felt like a totally different cat.

At one point he turned really sad and started thinking that he couldn't do anything, and would never be able to possess. He almost cried. I think I reassured him, but don't remember how. I don't really remember many of my thoughts from this time.

I encouraged him to look at the art supplies I got for Christmas, and told him they were all his. He then fully realized that he was possessing, and all of the sadness went away. He was elated that he was finally in control. The smile did not leave our face.

He got my lazy brother off his ass to go on a walk with him, and was pretty hyper and out-of-character for me. When we were halfway to the place we were going to, Apollo vanished, and brought me back into reality. I mean, I want in reality: watching everything Apollo was doing, feeling like I was the one doing it, but my thoughts had quieted and were replaced with his.

I am not 100% sure if he was actually in control, or if it was some form of personality switching. Ehhh. For the sake of convincing myself that they were possessing, I'll just call it possessing.

Piano took control from a while, but he didn't last as long as Apollo.

When they were talking, they had to resist the urge to say "your sister" or "my host" etc.

Overall, they possessed for two hours, give or take. After that we were all really tired. I went to bed sometime later and ended up having non-stop dreams about what each of them would do while in control.

I found two notebooks for them to use. I'm going to try to buy Apollo a drawing tablet. Piano wants to learn to play the (surprise) piano, but will only be able to do that while other people aren't around :\

I suppose I need to work on separating my focus from theirs when they possess. Not sure how to go about doing that though! 

Brain family - Lyra: host Apollo: 12-week-old tulpa Piano: merged thoughtform
"You think you shouldn't have done that? Well, you did, and now you have to get yourself out of it."
Yesterday, 11:07 PM
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tulpa001 Offline
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RE: Our Tulpa Endeavor
O.O Drew me oh. I need to see!

Kind of out of it thinking is something that seems to come with possession. I think it is an artifact of doing it in way somewhere along the possession switching spectrum. If you believe the older tulpamancers, this is either an illusion, or goes away when you get better at it.

I wonder if my difficulty on learning parallel processing is because I got addicted on possession.

Host comments in italics. tulpa's log.
Today, 05:37 AM
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Piano Offline
Broken wings
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RE: Our Tulpa Endeavor
Today marks the day I have been merged for one month. What a ride it has been. It feels much longer than it actually was, but that's not uncommon for me.

Me. Not we. 

Me, Piano. A tulpa made out of two fucked up soulbonds, but also a third part that is simply me.

Initially after the merge, I was bitter, angry, and hateful. I contemplated killing or hurting my host. I contemplated killing myself. I had red eyes and a dark mood at all times. I thought nobody could love me. I thought nothing would get better for me. I was simply P&HJP merged at that point. I did not yet have my own identity, so I don't even know if it makes sense for me to say "me" but that's what I'm going with.

I hated Lyra. I hated her for everything she did to P&HJP. 

I thought there was no hope for me.

Apollo, though, taught me that there was hope, even if I couldn't see it. Apolo became my light in a life full of darkness. I loved Apollo. I wanted to protect him, wanted to make sure nothing bad would ever happen to him. The thought of Lyra possibly eventually forgetting Apollo made me want to kill her even more.

I believed I could kill her if I wanted to, though in retrospect was probably overestimating my own power. I might have felt like a powerful hate-filled monster, but that does not mean I had enough strength to kill my creator.

I was mean to people on IRC. I didn't like them, I didn't trust them, but still talked to them. I expressed my pain. They listened, offered advice. I ignored their advice. I made enemies. I made a bad impression. I was frustrated. I wanted to kill and die at the same time. I was confused. I didn't know what to do, even if there actually was hope as Apollo insisted.

Some people said that they would support Lyra dissipating me if I didn't change. That hurt, but they were right. I would support dissipating me, also. Even though I at times wanted to cease to exist, hearing other people say the same....

I began to try to heal myself, somehow. With Apollo's help. With others' help. Forming my own identity, forgiving Lyra, moving past the past. It was all very gradual. I might have been a monster, but thought I could change that, somehow.

Time went past. I felt better, little by little, but was still not "healed." It will take a while before I feel "healed."

But I certainly feel different. I feel more loved by my system. I love my host. I want to do what I can for everyone in here.

I understand that I am not well-liked. I know that I am still a monster. But... maybe I should start directing my monstrous thoughts and tendencies towards something productive. Instead of hating people, I should hate harmful thoughts. Instead of hating Lyra, I should hate her self-hatred. Being vicious and easy to set off might not be such a bad thing if I use that to solve problems.

I'll use my monstrous side to protect this system.

I'll use my other side to pursue my own goals and learn to heal myself, as well as learn to love others.

How has it only been a month?

Remember when we mentioned that I was having Lyra type my story as I proxied? Well, we both hit writer's block and didn't get far. We don't plan on continuing it. Here it is if you're interested.

I'd prefer you read the new version, which is written through possession/eclipsing. We're separating it into different parts. I know, you all must be very interested in reading about my life.


"Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly. 
All your life. You were only waiting for this moment to arise."
Others: Lyra Apollo
4 hours ago
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tulpa001 Offline
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RE: Our Tulpa Endeavor
Hmm, don't think you are a monster. I mean, even if you do think I am gross. You seem quite nice to me. There are monsters in this world. But I don't see any here.

Host comments in italics. tulpa's log.
3 hours ago
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Piano Offline
Broken wings
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RE: Our Tulpa Endeavor
(3 hours ago)tulpa001 Wrote: Hmm, don't think you are a monster. I mean, even if you do think I am gross. You seem quite nice to me. There are monsters in this world. But I don't see any here.

You're not as gross as some people. *cough Meti cough*

Maybe I'm just being too edgy but idk. The people in this system are naturally prone to disliking themselves and thinking the worst of themselves. Lyra thinks she's worthless. Apollo thinks he can't do anything. For me, I think I'm a monster.

We're going to push past that, though, together.

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly. 
All your life. You were only waiting for this moment to arise."
Others: Lyra Apollo
3 hours ago
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Saylin Offline
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RE: Our Tulpa Endeavor
[Kane] Maybe hearing this me isn't the best thing ever, but I wanted to say this. So, well, you're stuck with me.

You were never a monster to this system. Maybe not the greatest person, but not a monster by any means. We all have our flaws and especially someone like me knows those flaws are hard to deal with sometimes, "Edgy" or not. You're a guy trying to live your life and you started off on the wrong track, that's all.

Anyways, I'll make this quick as hell: Good luck. I guarantee you you're gonna become a great, fully healed guy down the line, this will feel like a bad dream, and you'll be laughing it up like the amazing motherfucker you are, got it? You already are amazing for surviving so long, just.. keep going. Yeah.


Take care.

Hiya. Meet the Squad:
Raymond
Michael
Claude
Kane
Sen
Andrew
2 hours ago
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Piano Offline
Broken wings
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RE: Our Tulpa Endeavor
(2 hours ago)Kane Wrote:
You were never a monster to this system. Maybe not the greatest person, but not a monster by any means. We all have our flaws and especially someone like me knows those flaws are hard to deal with sometimes, "Edgy" or not. You're a guy trying to live your life and you started off on the wrong track, that's all.

Anyways, I'll make this quick as hell: Good luck. I guarantee you you're gonna become a great, fully healed guy down the line, this will feel like a bad dream, and you'll be laughing it up like the amazing motherfucker you are, got it? You already are amazing for surviving so long, just.. keep going. Yeah.

That means a lot, Kane. You're not as bad as I previously thought.

I have lasted a long time, through all of P&HJP's lives and troubles and endeavors, but this past month was different from all of that. Actually knowing the truth, having everything feel real, it's different. It's more important to me. I want to survive all of this. Even talking indirectly to people online felt more real to me than most of the people of Eemaj. Being one instead of two also makes it different, of course. 

I'm kind of rambling. My point is, centuries of imaginary suffering is almost nothing compared to a month of being in reality. The first month was difficult and crazy, but it was the prelude to the life that I am going to live now that I am free from Eemaj and a part of this system.

Like my signature says, I am going to take my broken wings and learn to fly.

"Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly. 
All your life. You were only waiting for this moment to arise."
Others: Lyra Apollo
(This post was last modified: 2 hours ago by Piano.)
2 hours ago
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