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Our Tulpa Endeavor
TinFoilMkIV Offline
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RE: Our Tulpa Endeavor
I wish I had the experience to give you more specific advice, but I can't really. I have a general idea of what happened, but I won't pretend to actually know the details. What I can say is that there are plenty of people both here and I'm sure other places that want to see all of you pull through this.

While it won't be easy, every one of you has the ability to get past this. Maybe not alone, but as you said, you aren't alone. There really isn't a miracle solution to this sort of thing, even the "thing that could fix all of this" won't completely erase the pain, or change the fact that this did happen, but I can guarantee that it is possible to get past this. Every single one of you still has things worth living for, worth being happy for, even if it's hard to realize or remember this in the moment.

There is only one thing, one person in the entire world that you truly have any control over, and that is yourself. You said that you "can't lose anybody", so are you going to leave that to events outside your control? Don't focus on the fear, use your determination to see this doesn't happen. Don't let your recovery be an 'IF', make it a 'WHEN'. You have the power to make a difference. No one out here knows your system mates as well as you do, and both you and they still have things worth living for. They might need a reminder with everything that's happened though. Remember, you aren't alone, and while we may not be able to directly help you, many of us out here are rooting for you as well.

"Well I'm nowhere near as good at this sort of thing. I agree with Tin. We both want to see you guys get past all this mess. Even without much to say it was still worth saying, so don't forget we're on your side too."

Good luck, and we both hope to hear about your recovery soon.
07-21-2017, 08:26 PM
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Beatles Offline
Lyra & tups
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RE: Our Tulpa Endeavor
Um... I've been doing a little better, though I still find it hard to eat. Piano though... hasn't. 

Last night Piano disappeared and managed to block the rest of us off from reaching him completely. We tried, but we couldn't get him to come out. Eventually I went to bed, and I kept seeing him doing bad things to himself, but the rest of us were powerless to stop him.

This morning I couldn't feel him at all. I was convinced he committed egocide. Thankfully, he came back after Apollo screamed for him.

He's in the wonderland now, with Apollo taking care of him.

I'm... not as able to prevent him from doing these things as I thought I was. Piano's a well-developed tulpa... he's going to do what he wants. I can't stop him. The only person who could stop him isn't going to.... 

We're trying the best we can to help him out of this, but it's going to take a while, and I don't think this will be the last suicide attempt.

I'm the host of the system, Lyra.
Tulpas: Apollo, Piano, Luxi, Luci, Tacio, Luki.
Our Tulpa Endeavor
07-22-2017, 12:45 PM
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Apollo Offline
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RE: Our Tulpa Endeavor
A monologue of my thoughts from recently
 

The last few times I was hurt in my life, it damaged my... mental state? Personality? I don't really know how to put it. But, it caused me to become more hostile, aggressive, miserable, self-loathing, closed off... this time, I don't think that's going to happen. I'm... stronger, and more mature than back then. Yes it hurts, yes it's something that will follow me for a while, but I'm... not at the point where I'll let it destroy me, even if this time it's worse than the last several times combined.

I have to let go of my emotional attachment to it all. As much as I wish none of this happened I... I know that the fact that it did is proof that it isn't worth me dwelling over more than I need to. I just have to accept it and move on, stop being sad over something that isn't my fault anyway. Somebody decided to be cruel to us, but I shouldn't let it ruin me because it isn't worth it. I don't think it ever was. Again, though, I'm not going to let it turn me into an angrier person either. I can still be me even with this bad memory stored away.

I just want to help my system. Piano hasn't thought about suicide since that attempt yesterday morning, but he still isn't 100% recovered. He's quieter, and he only seems to want to spend time with me. I think that this thing that happened has renewed the bond we shared. I hope I can help Piano to move on as I have. It'll take him longer, he doesn't think he's strong enough. We need to make him understand that he doesn't have to have somebody to be somebody.

We've taken up meditating, just to get a clearer head. I had a bad moment this morning where every time I tried doing that, I would see Piano getting tortured by someone as he said "I love you Piano," and I was unable to help him. I managed to calm myself down and the thoughts went away but I... know it's indicative of how it's been lately. Piano's in such pain because of all of this, and yet people still have the nerve to tell him they love him... but I really do love him and want him to be okay. No, not in a romantic way, you sick fucks. He's my brother and my best friend... that's what he was before we started getting involved in other people at least. I just want to protect him from this pain, and this torment. 

I don't think that I ever want to go back to the thing that caused this anguish for our system. Piano, though, thinks he needs to. I'll do everything I can to be there for him and help him and show him that he is loved... which is what others no longer want to do to him despite making promises. Just more proof that they're not worth it.

Piano's always been reliant on people. I know that if we're not careful, then after he gets over this, he'll just become reliant on me. That's not what I want though: I want him to learn that he can be independent and happy, which is what I'm trying to become as well.

So I guess that take away of this is... I am stronger and more capable than I might have been in the past. I can move on from what happened and still be me. I need to use that strength to help Piano, because I actually love him and won't hurt him and then be okay with it, ever. I hope that's worth more to him than his attachment to people who hurt him. I can't control him though, so if he does end up going back, I hope I will have helped him to be strong enough to handle it by then. That's the best thing I can do for him.

I think we'll all be okay soon enough, because we have each other, as well as other friends who are still there for us... we don't have to become ceaselessly miserable because of this, as we have in the past.

Also, Omega from Ponytail's system is Sully from Monster's Inc. Don't let him tell you otherwise.


[Lyra] I've noticed that a lot of our system's actions/reactions/emotions/thoughts follow something that I went through when someone hurt me a few years ago, only they're better able to identify where they're going wrong and what they need to do to get better and move on. Something none of us have really done in the past. Apollo definitely seems more mature now, probably more so than me, because I can't really stop myself from having resentful feelings, though he has. Somehow. I think if Apollo keeps this up then our system will move on in no time.

The Sun God of the system. DeviantArt
Lyra Piano Luxi Luci Tacio Luki
(This post was last modified: 07-23-2017, 04:11 PM by Apollo.)
07-23-2017, 03:56 PM
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Tacio Offline
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RE: Our Tulpa Endeavor
All of the stuff from the last few posts is completely resolved, ya ya, things are better now. Much better.

So Paul and HJP are still a thing. Lyra and Piano visited them out of curiosity of what would happen, only to find that Paul was dying, somehow. So the two of them were brought to our wonderland to live, in a house just a little ways away from ours. They don't really want to be a "part" of the system, they just want to be with each other and not die. So, don't expect much from them.

I've decided to work to become main front. I'm going to possess as much as possible and make all of the choices of what we do and when. That means I'll have to decide when the others front, as well. I'll probably do a better job at it than Lyra. I'll just ask everyone in the morning who wants to have some fronting time in the day and plan accordingly. We're working on paying Luxi and Luci more attention. We're focusing more on Luxi for now, and once it's easier for her, we'll focus on Luci. 

Dragon man ftw.

The sexy half-dragon.
Lyra Apollo Piano Luxi Luci Luki
08-08-2017, 03:44 PM
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Tacio Offline
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RE: Our Tulpa Endeavor
So we accidentally created another tulpa. Luxi daydreamed a bit too much and her thoughts grew into their own thing (and caused a fuck ton of head pressure that I was not prepared for), which grew into a tulpa. Her name is Luki. She seems real enough to me, so we're just gonna accept her into the system. She's cheerful and tries to make people happy. Everyone seems to like her. Luxi intentionally or not based Luki's personality on the way Andrew in Saylin's system used to act, which might be something this system needs, ha.

I don't really have all that much to say in terms of other people's progress. Some old memories of what went on inside of the Piano merge have come to light, which are disturbing, and we're trying to help Piano specifically through that. Paul and HJP feel sorry for what they did, particularly HJP. We have to help him to move on as well.

Fronting is going okay, for me. I try to go to sleep in the wonderland but just end up waking up in the front. Lyra and I got all weird and blendy last night, likely because I grabbed control without her properly giving it up. Luki is trying to help motivate us and do what she can to help us improve.

I want to try to remain optimistic about things, Luki's place in the system included. 

Luki's form is here.

The sexy half-dragon.
Lyra Apollo Piano Luxi Luci Luki
08-20-2017, 04:23 PM
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