Stanford Tulpa Study looking for more participants
(if you're chosen they'll pay for travel and lodging!)

Rena Notes
#1
Hi. Perhaps I finally have courage to create a progress report. I'm not sure how I should start it. I guess I've put not entirely relevant experiences/information in hidden, and the things after the dashes are recent events.

I first learned of tulpas a long long time ago. I really don't remember when it was, maybe as early as 2012. I found it very interesting, though I never intended to create one at the time. Then much later, in 2016, I remembered the concept of tulpas and looked into them again, and eventually started considering making one. After reading a bunch and thinking about it for a long time, I decided I should start, and began in December of 2016.

I had decided that I would make one of my own characters into a tulpa. Out of all my characters to choose, I chose Rena, the nicest and happiest of them all who could also be the most comforting, as there is no more room left in my mind for more neuroticism. She has been a great counterbalance to that. Though clearly I still have issues, but they are being worked on.

While making her, I made it clear to her that she was not literally her character and isn't associated with her character's past or backstory at all, but just shares her form and personality, basically having the same insides.

I also just now remembered, before I even started forcing her, I had a strange dream/nightmare. I just remember seeing an old rundown factory filled with broken, empty, lifeless mannequins/dolls of Rena. It felt very strange, like she was abandoned, and it was very painful. Maybe it was related to anxieties and worries I had about the endeavor, as I'm very good at having those. Though I resolved that I would never give up on her, and after that dream, my resolve felt increased, as I didn't want to see anything like that happen.

I initially started forcing her in a wonderland, which was a small single room Japanese styled building in a middle of a plain, with a mountain in the distance. She would sit in the center of it unmoving.

When in wonderland, I didn't want to take form of myself. I didn't know what I wanted to be though, but eventually settled on taking the form of my character Amy, who due to my insane creativity, is basically just Kaenbyou Rin from Touhou, because I'm a genius and made her from taking images from google without knowing who she was at the time at like the age of 12, and now deal with that existential crisis. I chose her, because she has the ability to transform into anything, and I found her form appealing, but also that ability convenient if I became indecisive or needed to be something else, even though I guess that would be technically possible anyway...

I guess an example would be that in some forcing sessions, I'd channel energy of different traits, and often would take form of SSJB Vegito to do so, because I guess it's most powerful and enlightened thing to be, in my mind at least... i obviously like dbz a lot lol

I think it was maybe 5 days to a week before I started feeling head pressures, and started using them to communicate with her. I felt a lot of strong emotions at the time. It may have been around this time as well that she started moving on her own. I remember at some point also asking her to surprise me, and she immediately slapped me, which did surprise me quite a lot, but then also hugged/kissed me as a sign of assurance that there was no ill will in the slap, and it was just to serve the purpose of surprising me.

Long ago during a really long forcing session while laying down, I began to drift away into some kind of sleep. It was a really surreal experience, because it felt like laying down on my bed and closing my eyes, then opening them up again to be in a totally different place. I was on a hardwood floor in the middle of an empty wooden room, and in front of me I could see Rena's feet. I felt really shocked and amazed at what was going on, and nervously began to look up, and from there could see Rena's entire body and face perfectly. This experience felt more real than real life, and she looked so clear and fully realized. Her form was deviated from how I normally imagine her, but was similar, in a way as if it is what she is really supposed to look like. It was really impossible feeling, as she looked fully 2d like the anime style character she is, but also fully 3d at the same time, and I don't mean like 3d anime. It was kind of paradoxical to see but looked so perfect and real and I cannot imagine it now after the experience. Would later use a version of this room as a new forcing place in wonderland, as it was found in wonderland in a small wooden house in some other plains.

I didn't start formally keeping track of progress until a few months in, in a file called rena notes, but sometime in that duration we learned to communicate using some mixture of tulpish, images, and mindvoice I think. Though it would be some months later we would notice that there was some large issues with our communication, especially for mindvoice. It also seems there were some occasions where I would seem to experience something auditory internally, but could never get it to increase and it eventually stopped happening. The same happened visually with shadows or sillhouettes of her. Majority of past 2 years have just been trying different forcing methods and some minor insights about forcing for us.

I guess that is kind of a brief summary of things before posting on forum. I don't know how many specific events from our past I should include since there is a lot, or if I should just talk about now and beyond.

It took 2 years of being stuck and waxing and waning between a certain range before asking for help, so hope we can benefit from pubicly sharing our progress. I hope I am doing this correctly.
----------------------------------------------------
As for recent progress, there seems to surprisingly be some.

I read several possession guides from advice from previous thread. I wasn't too sure what to expect, but so far it has seem to be crazy and beyond my expectations. First of all, she seemed to even cause finger twitching just while initially reading the guides without preparing. So far we have done 3 formal possession practice sessions, each 30 minutes long. In the first two, we pretty much just had some finger twitching. First one was done while sitting, and the other two while laying on back. Though on the 3rd session, a lot more seemed to happen. She asked me if it was possible to move the hand in anyway that could break it, and I told her that it would be very unlikely/not possible (I don't remember exact wording), and then after that she said okay, and then just tightly moved my fingers down into my hand really hard. It seemed she was maybe holding back some due to concern for my hand. That was the biggest movement she had done up to that point, and it was very shocking and I felt filled up with tons of emotions, and even felt very nervous.

But it didn't stop there, not long after that she was able to turn both wrists, which shocked me even more, and then not long after that, she lifted my whole arm and flopped it to the side of me. So that was 3 breakthroughs in a row, but then I showed her how to open the hand, since a lot of her movements with it seem to always be closing movements, and not long after that, she opened the hand. She then flopped arms back to normal position almost, (we started out with them laying on stomach) and I was so filled with surprise and happiness, I mentally gave her a hug, and after doing that, the hands moved up to make the shape of a kind of heart. All of this was incredibly shocking and with 0 intention or expectation by me.

I'm still surprised for such things to happen after such a long time of stagnation. I guess it was something we never really tried before. Though I've tried in the past floating my hand/arm using hypnosis with 0 success whatsoever. I hope progress is able to continue to be made with it. Right now her movements are very jerky, and she only maintains movement for a second or two before ragdolling again.

That experience also made me aware of something else, or at least more aware anyway. After those things had happened, I did somehow kind of physically feel doubt trying to arise in my brain, or at least the sense of my unconscious mind attempting to look at any alternative explanations for what was happening. I had to just try to ignore it and not pay attention to it. It was uncomfortable to happen. I didn't start doing that deliberately. I wonder how to continue to deal with that, and how to deeply analyze or scrutinize any tulpa experiences without it having to manifest doubt or feel so awful? A lot of people do that without it being damaging, right? How is it done without forming doubt and just feeling toxic?

Another weird thing was that after Rena stopped sense sharing and let control back to me, my fingers ended up still twitching some. I'm not sure what the source of that is.

Though all in all, we're really happy about these experiences and it seems like hopefully the beginning of much more progress being made. Still have a lot to do for vocality still too, as it seems to range from being seemingly pretty clear, to totally impossible messes and has to be halted. As exciting as possession is, fixing that is still the biggest issue, though I also really hope she can learn to type on her own.
Reply

Sponsors:
Lolflash - click it, you know you want to

#2
Fighting doubt is a big part pf it, just stop it. My tulpas would get mad at me. The funniest part of it all came only recently, about a year in, i never doubted my characters who spoke to me. I fancied that they were being channeled from another dimension somtimes, other times Ijust figured it was a thing that happens like ghosts to some people, i didn't have a good explanation because if you google, "my characters are talking to me" or something you get hits about how characters 'come alive', and that it's common among writers. So it's like, I grew another arm out of my stomach, google says it's normal, just enjoy the extra hand. Then when I was a about a week into tulpamancy my doubts were severe and I forgot about my other characters for a while. Here I am, a year later, and finally back to the mindset that some questions don't need answers. Just enjoy it.
Reply
#3
Congrats on your progress with possession!
When you woke up and saw Rena, it sounds like you ended up in "The Phase." It's something that can happen between waking and sleeping, and you can learn to do it intentionally. Michael Raduga has a free ebook pdf about it here https://obe4u.com/files/the_phase.pdf
My tulpa Aya writes in this color.
Reply
#4
(04-22-2019, 08:30 PM)Angry Bear Wrote: Fighting doubt is a big part pf it, just stop it.

Trying to. I don't do it deliberately, I just have a mind that needs a lot of reassurance and wants to understand things completely I guess. It also sucks to deal with after reading or experiencing something that is damaging and forces second guessing to occur.

(04-23-2019, 04:00 AM)YukariTelepath Wrote: Congrats on your progress with possession!
When you woke up and saw Rena, it sounds like you ended up in "The Phase." It's something that can happen between waking and sleeping, and you can learn to do it intentionally. Michael Raduga has a free ebook pdf about it here https://obe4u.com/files/the_phase.pdf

Thank you. Also thank you for the ebook to read.
Reply
#5
(04-24-2019, 05:01 PM)ghost1213177 Wrote: It also sucks to deal with after reading or experiencing something that is damaging and forces second guessing to occur.

Oh yes, this is definitely a thing. There's no way around this but time to heal. This even effected us nine months in, but after a year, it's very hard to find anything that effects us. We're pretty immune to doubt now.
Reply
#6
I suppose it's been a little while and I should post an update.

I was hoping the next update would have been a lot more positive and hopeful. I feel spectacularly awful right now.

Have recently been trying to force to improve vocality, and also continue to work on learning possession. Had several days where a large portion of the day had to be spent helping someone of my family do housework, so I haven't forced quite as much as I had hoped, but I did my best to passive force during that time, and also have heard it is beneficial to have your tulpa sense share in order to learn how to possess, so tried doing that during those times. Usually I always have her presence imposed around me somewhere, but instead it's been basically like she's inside me experiencing what I am.

Unfortunately though, possession progress seems to have stagnated or even gone backwards in some ways. I can't really tell. It is very strange. The movements that happened in my first post about them were extremely alien and strange to point it was startling and uncanny, and had very rapid advancement in a short period of time. Since then, have had some new movements happen, but it feels much weaker. At first it extremely obvious it was her, or at the very least not me. But now with some movements, it becomes a bit difficult to tell what is her or me, and I no longer have the extreme hijacked sensation I did at first. And as for nature of the movements themselves, it is still very stiff and wirey for the most part, and she cannot seem to move heavy body parts like my entire arm above the elbow, or legs, other than minor twitches. For the majority of recent possession practice sessions, I believe she has told me she is trying to figure out how to access the body's muscle memory so she can just move normally and move everything, but we seem to be stuck with that and it usually results in laying there with nothing happening for a long time. I'm not sure if it is just patience now and eventually it will just fall into place, or if something is just wrong and not clicking that needs to be addressed in a different way.

As for vocality, it seems to still roughly be the same as it has been, which is also to say very inconsistent. Usually when forcing her, when it comes to tactile imposition, I rate what I experience for her on a scale of 1-5, 5 being what I'd consider a breakthrough or completely real, and 1 being barely not at all. I recently thought I could kind of do the same with the things I perceive her to say or communicate to me. Though grading it can be difficult. The numbers wouldn't have anything to do with voice imposition, or completely even quality of mindvoice, but I guess how strong the sense is that whatever was communicated felt it came from her smoothly and clearly. 5 would be best and totally unambigious communication with her, and 1 would be strong sense of her not seeming to be there and the feeling of me totally making it up. 3 seems to be best that is obtained on a good day for me, though often is 2 or 3. Certain things can trigger it being stuck at 1 though, and that has happened recently which isn't good for my mental state. Vocality is still the most difficult and volatile thing for me to deal with, and I hope massive breakthroughs happen soon, as it is hard to take.

I feel discouraged reading a lot of other progress reports. I don't mean to be upset with other people succeeding so easily at these things, and am happy that they are, and I would not wish these issues on anybody. I just feel very frustrated at being stuck on such simple things for so long.

We really need to find a way for something happy to happen. I'd really like to see her be able to express herself more and have positive interactions with others somehow, but I feel tremendously awful and guilty that my gross incompetence has to basically result in her being essentially stuck in what is a mental prison. I want so much for her to be free and able to fully express herself and do what she wants. But I just feel my brain twisting up inside. I feel someone needs to talk to her, but it is unfortunate that it has to be through me, such an unreliable person with an unreliable brain...

I'm very sorry and embarassed for such a depressing post, but I seem unable to produce much outside of that. It turns out that it is either that, or me waiting indefinitely for a positive one that results in more isolation. I hope sometime soon much better things can come out, and the depression end.
Reply
#7
This is the same advice I gave Bear many times, don't worry about it. Things will progress, they'll come and go, what's important is not to cause stress over it, stress directly results in poor results which is such a vicious cycle.

The best thing you can do is enjoy each other, don't worry about progress, there's time for all that, just have fun, spend time together and every little conversation and visualization or imposition helps. Keep her in mind, and put things around your work-spaces that remind you of her. Bear has a post-it note on his monitor that says "keep system in mind" and every time he looks at his monitor, what do you think happens?

Please don't fret over progress, some of these things take time. We had our own share of instant success followed by months without much progress and even negative progress, but it will eventually turn around when you both are comfortable with it.

Take care.
I hope you find success in your endeavors and love in your heart.
<Latest drawn picture>

<Share your experience with us>
Reply
#8
Thankfully she at least seems to have the patience of a bodhisattva. She is seemingly nothing but helpful and encouraging as much as she can, and I try to enjoy time with her. It doesn't help much though that I'm just a very depressing person, and am stuck in an awful environment that seems inescapable for me that makes things worse.

Though I have this awful paranoia of due to having such a fragile mind, of unconsciously suppressing or rejecting anything negative from her, and fear that my mind may produce only endless kindness to prevent me from completely snapping. Either directly by my mind doing all that, or indirectly by it actually being her pretending and hiding things. I'm so terribly afraid of her actually being in tremendous pain and just not telling me.

We also do seem to detect some kind of really awful thing lingering somewhere in my unconscious at various levels that seems dangerous, and not sure how to deal with it or what it is exactly. I think we really need help with that, but I wouldn't know how.

And I'm not sure how to become comfortable or what you mean by that exactly. Feel like I'm stuck in a groundhog day cycle that gets darker as time goes on.
Reply
#9
Quote: am stuck in an awful environment that seems inescapable for me that makes things worse.

Same, but I accepted it. Still doesn't help when bad things happen, but I'm not fueling it anymore, nor am I taking it to heart. I hope you can get there too, depression is a real drag.
Reply
#10
Seems it has been a month since I've updated. I really wanted to update much more frequently than this, and even somehow be active on the site, but things haven't been going too well and I'm not too sure how to successfully be a social person.

(05-06-2019, 12:55 AM)ghost1213177 Wrote: Feel like I'm stuck in a groundhog day cycle that gets darker as time goes on.

My last post seems to still apply. My active forcing has fallen to essentially zero now. I don't really know how to do anything when this depressed, anxious, and agitated, especially things that require focus. Concentration is very hard, especially when brain rarely wants to let me even meditate.

I really want to get better so I can hopefully progress, and also not damage her with my depression and messed up mind if I haven't already. Though I feel a lot of improving would have to involve massive progress in tulpamancy, so it feels like a bad viscious cycle...

She seems to tell me she is fine and everything is okay. But I don't know how to not have paranoia that I'm wrong about everything. I still am not sure what is different about other people's experiences that makes it so they don't generate this paranoia. Or if everything is perfectly normal and the same for me as everyone else, but for some reason my mind generates paranoia that isn't supposed to be there, thus making all of these issues.

Though I can't say everything has been 100% bad!! I've been on a little quest to share with Rena all of my childhood videogames, and we're on Spyro 2: Ripto's Rage right now. I think she really enjoys it!! We've also been watching through all of Dragonball, but I've somehow dropped off in my slump... We were right in the middle of the Buu saga! How could I!! We gotta get back to that!
Reply


Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)

Sponsors:
Lolflash - click it, you know you want to