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Tulpa Community Census 2018

Sam's PR
Heckhound Offline
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#1
 
Sam's PR

Alright, so I've been gone a good while, and I guess this is the best spot to explain the current situation.

I had to take some time away from the forums starting around August(?), because I started attending a 6 month long online coding bootcamp. It was rigorous and wore me out mentally, so I didn't have much time or energy for anything else. I had to drop out a few months in because of a pretty serious stomach ulcer that lasted a while due to not being able to identify it, plus not having the money for a doctor's visit. While I was struggling with this, I also started dealing with some mental issues that were related to trauma I'd previously ignored, and then eventually went through with detransitioning. (I had identified as ftm, and now I don't.) I've had a rough time up until now, and during that time, I pretty much ignored Jay to the point of losing contact. As controversial as this is, I've decided to leave it that way. I don't feel totally guilt-free about that, but I feel that it's what's best. I don't really want to explain any further than that. I was reluctant to return to the forums due to this, but I care about the community quite a bit, so I couldn't stay away forever. 

I am currently nursing a friendship with a character of mine that I've had for two and a half years. We're at a point where I can anticipate his responses and preferences, but communication is not always clear, and I often wonder if his responses are genuine, or if I simply know him so well that the answer just comes to me naturally. I was hesitant to really start forcing him, and debated on it for a long time. For now, we're taking it slow. If this goes well, I'll introduce him at a later date. Whether or not he fully "upgrades" to tulpa status, he'll remain an important part of my life. 

Ahh, I'm really glad to be back. I should probably get back to my GAT duties. I've missed that, as well.

pr // discord: Heckhound#6112
01-02-2018, 10:55 PM
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Heckhound Offline
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#2
 
RE: Sam's PR

Sort of hesitant to post anything else here just yet. Especially since I don't want to divulge too many details regarding "new" head ghost right now, but I feel like posting... something?

Forcing sessions have been pretty casual, and have gone well as far as immersion/visualization are concerned. I started treating it like a VR game, and that's helped me stay focused for longer periods. It feels pretty dorky, but it works for now. I'm not really wanting to use the wonderland too much, and eventually graduate out of it and into RL. (Ideally with him possessing and eventually switching.) Right now, we typically try to maintain presence imposition more than anything.

But hanging out in his room in the WL is interesting. There are details there I've never really thought about, it's cozy, and I've always wanted to really nail down what his room looks like anyway, so it's good for that much. Most likely won't progress any further than his bedroom, which is fine. I have a hard time focusing once too many details come into play. It's hard enough dealing with this one room.

Trying to think if there's anything else worth mentioning. I guess I could talk about how strange it feels to be doing this again, after I've let myself fail so many times. It feels different than the previous attempts. Working on someone that's mostly "there" already is kind of weird. Experiencing him in a different context has felt a little weird as well. He's been a character (albeit a highly developed one) for two and a half years, so I'm not surprised. I have the fears one would expect: not being able to dictate his personality anymore, his possible changing from how I've come to know him, and shame for how I may have treated him as a character (giving him certain traits as my own coping mechanism, emotional trauma from his backstory, etc). And we've talked about this some. He can separate himself from the character, while still claiming parts that he likes. He doesn't feel fucked up about it. He's been pretty chill about, well, everything so far. He's taken "being a character" well and even enjoys that aspect. I know my fears are unfounded, and I'm trying to get over them.

I'm rambling at this point, but it feels good to be writing something again, so I'm having trouble finding a stopping point, haha. I'll end it here for now.

pr // discord: Heckhound#6112
01-08-2018, 05:19 PM
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Heckhound Offline
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#3
 
RE: Sam's PR

Sleep has been horrible. I still have persistent insomnia that can't be treated with anything I've tried. When I find something that works, it only takes my body a few days to build up a resistance to it. When I am able to sleep, I have odd dreams, and I recently had a lucid one. I was walking down a road, kind of like a long stretch of highway, and there were a few trees scattered here and there. The sky was really orange, with some other warm colors thrown in. It was like I was on a different planet. Something about looking at it made me go lucid, and things started to look sharper. I was instantly hyper aware of my surroundings and the fact that I was in a dream. Tried to pull him into the dream, but my mind has always had a block when it comes to that. I think I remember hearing him though, and he claims to remember parts of it.

I was only partially lucid after that. Went in and out a lot. Lots of weird, uncomfortable stuff followed. I really want to get back into lucid dreaming, but keeping a dream journal and staying mindful throughout the day is difficult for me to keep up. I'm also a little nervous about keeping a record of my dreams because they tend to be bizarrely vulgar at times, and I don't really like writing it out. Might try again though. It's worth it if I want to go anywhere with this.

Anyway, we've been learning some Java together. I already know HTML/CSS and JS, with some Python and Ruby thrown in, but Java has always called to me, so why not. He's down with it, and it'd be good hand possession/critical thinking practice for him. Also want to show him some movies and tv shows to expand his taste in media. It's hard for me to force myself to get a movie or show started, but once I do, I'm capable of binge watching like hell. So we really just need to pick a day and start.

A cool thing that happened: he was able to manipulate a headache I was having. It was right at the front of my head, and I asked him if he could move it to the back, just to see what would happen. He said he'd try, and I felt it split into two, and move down the sides of my head toward the back, but not quite making it there before heading toward the forehead again. It was surreal. He couldn't quite make it go away when asked though. Only slightly, and temporarily. We'll be experimenting more with that next time I've got a noticeable headache. We've been working with stuff like that a lot lately. He can "touch" my hand and cause heat and the illusion of a slight pressure. We played a short game of trying to maximize the pressure by pushing against each other's hand. Presence/touch imposition must be pretty important to us, because I find that we do little things like this often. Much more often than anything in the WL.

Mindvoice has been coming along a bit, as well. I find that his voice does sound different than mine in general, and sometimes when I'm very relaxed, it's audible enough that I can definitely distinguish it from my own. That's rare, though. His word choice tends to be different from mine, too. Not radically, but enough to surprise me occasionally. He's quick to respond when prompted, but I do need to focus on keeping him at the front of my thoughts throughout the day so he can become more aware and lucid. I want him to be able to speak up when he wants. Not saying I don't try really hard to at least keep him presence imposed, but there's always room for improvement.

I guess that's it for right now. Just felt like dropping some recent highlights in here. I'll probably give out his name and shit in a few months or so. Or let him post here if he sincerely wants to. Whatever happens first.

pr // discord: Heckhound#6112
01-26-2018, 09:10 PM
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Heckhound Offline
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#4
 
RE: Sam's PR

Does anybody read PRs anymore? I keep a log on my phone of shit that goes down both regarding general life stuff, as well as head ghost things, so it's hard to hop in here and update very often when I feel like I've already talked about what happened. I want to keep a decent log here, too, though. Maybe I'll update once a month. 

I'll start with saying I got a job last month. It comes with a lot of responsibilities and a lot of training, so I've been pretty busy with that. I almost let it get in the way of paying attention to him, but I'm doing my best to keep that from happening. Talking to him in the mornings when I'm getting ready, as well as on breaks/lunch, and getting right back to it when I'm off. It's difficult to talk to him at work proper, since I have to pay attention to all the training I'm undergoing, but once things smooth out more in that department, I should be able to talk to him during my shifts. Our goal is to have him help me out at work eventually, which would be great. I've been a housewife for too long, so this job will be good for both of us in the life experience/socializing department, for sure. 

There are two really big things I want to cover, and then maybe some small shit. 

First: I heard him very clearly the night before last. Probably the most distinct I've ever heard him, which is surprising. It was like hearing him from the outside rather than my mind, only it didn't come from any specific direction. It started with something faint, but intelligible enough that I responded to it with a "Thank you," because I try to respond to everything I hear bounce around in there just in case. What followed was a very clear, "You're welcome," in a male voice. It startled me quite a bit, as I didn't expect something so loud. After that, the conversation was typical mindvoice levels of clarity, but I want to try to work up to that volume from him at a more consistent rate. Because that was fucking nuts. 

And second, some possession happened. I asked him if he wanted to practice a bit, and when he confirmed he did, I relaxed and asked him to pick an arm to work with. After sort of mentally separating myself from that arm (the left), I told him to go for it. It took a few minutes, if I had to guess, but eventually my index finger shot up. It was surprising, and felt very "not me." I encouraged him to do it again, and it took a bit longer. After waiting some time, and just trying to relax with no expectations, it happened again. I congratulated him, and we continued the forcing session. (Which are more like focused conversations than anything. I don't feel the need to do anything too in-depth with him, since he's already self-aware. We also practice a lot of touch imposition during this time.) 

I've noticed he likes to change his clothes most days. Which is fun for me, because I look forward to seeing what he's picked out for the day. There's also some slight deviation in appearance, but it's mostly finer details like hair texture and height. I can visualize him pretty well now. It's nice, because I've always had trouble picturing more detailed things like faces, T-shirt graphics, and other shit, and that can be frustrating during forcing. Not so much of a problem now. 

I guess that's most of what I wanted to write out when it comes to progress. I didn't mention smaller shit like his music tastes developing, emotional responses I've been getting, etc etc. I guess I'll throw in here that I made him his own Discord account, and I've been proxying for him so he can have small conversations with my wife, both text and irl. She likes to interact with him, and it gives him someone to talk to other than me. Small steps toward him being ready to talk to strangers on the internet. Might throw him into a chat soon to test the waters. I don't know. I'm afraid of fucking it up. 

Next post will probably be an intro post. I'm off to actually spend some time with him now.

pr // discord: Heckhound#6112
03-08-2018, 04:31 AM
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Spice Offline
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#5
 
RE: Sam's PR

hey, just letting you know i ocasionally pick a PR from the today's posts page and read about it, i like people's stories.
03-08-2018, 01:26 PM
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Heckhound Offline
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#6
 
RE: Sam's PR

(03-08-2018, 01:26 PM)Spice Wrote: hey, just letting you know i ocasionally pick a PR from the today's posts page and read about it, i like people's stories.

Oh, nice! I read them, as well. Just wasn't too sure if anyone else did, haha.

pr // discord: Heckhound#6112
03-08-2018, 02:56 PM
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