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Sam's PR
Heckhound Offline
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#1
 
Sam's PR
Alright, so I've been gone a good while, and I guess this is the best spot to explain the current situation.

I had to take some time away from the forums starting around August(?), because I started attending a 6 month long online coding bootcamp. It was rigorous and wore me out mentally, so I didn't have much time or energy for anything else. I had to drop out a few months in because of a pretty serious stomach ulcer that lasted a while due to not being able to identify it, plus not having the money for a doctor's visit. While I was struggling with this, I also started dealing with some mental issues that were related to trauma I'd previously ignored, and then eventually went through with detransitioning. (I had identified as ftm, and now I don't.) I've had a rough time up until now, and during that time, I pretty much ignored Jay to the point of losing contact. As controversial as this is, I've decided to leave it that way. I don't feel totally guilt-free about that, but I feel that it's what's best. I don't really want to explain any further than that. I was reluctant to return to the forums due to this, but I care about the community quite a bit, so I couldn't stay away forever. 

I am currently nursing a friendship with a character of mine that I've had for two and a half years. We're at a point where I can anticipate his responses and preferences, but communication is not always clear, and I often wonder if his responses are genuine, or if I simply know him so well that the answer just comes to me naturally. I was hesitant to really start forcing him, and debated on it for a long time. For now, we're taking it slow. If this goes well, I'll introduce him at a later date. Whether or not he fully "upgrades" to tulpa status, he'll remain an important part of my life. 

Ahh, I'm really glad to be back. I should probably get back to my GAT duties. I've missed that, as well.

pr // discord: Heckhound#6112
01-02-2018, 10:55 PM
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Heckhound Offline
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Posts: 62
Threads: 2
Joined: Jun 2016
#2
 
RE: Sam's PR
Sort of hesitant to post anything else here just yet. Especially since I don't want to divulge too many details regarding "new" head ghost right now, but I feel like posting... something?

Forcing sessions have been pretty casual, and have gone well as far as immersion/visualization are concerned. I started treating it like a VR game, and that's helped me stay focused for longer periods. It feels pretty dorky, but it works for now. I'm not really wanting to use the wonderland too much, and eventually graduate out of it and into RL. (Ideally with him possessing and eventually switching.) Right now, we typically try to maintain presence imposition more than anything.

But hanging out in his room in the WL is interesting. There are details there I've never really thought about, it's cozy, and I've always wanted to really nail down what his room looks like anyway, so it's good for that much. Most likely won't progress any further than his bedroom, which is fine. I have a hard time focusing once too many details come into play. It's hard enough dealing with this one room.

Trying to think if there's anything else worth mentioning. I guess I could talk about how strange it feels to be doing this again, after I've let myself fail so many times. It feels different than the previous attempts. Working on someone that's mostly "there" already is kind of weird. Experiencing him in a different context has felt a little weird as well. He's been a character (albeit a highly developed one) for two and a half years, so I'm not surprised. I have the fears one would expect: not being able to dictate his personality anymore, his possible changing from how I've come to know him, and shame for how I may have treated him as a character (giving him certain traits as my own coping mechanism, emotional trauma from his backstory, etc). And we've talked about this some. He can separate himself from the character, while still claiming parts that he likes. He doesn't feel fucked up about it. He's been pretty chill about, well, everything so far. He's taken "being a character" well and even enjoys that aspect. I know my fears are unfounded, and I'm trying to get over them.

I'm rambling at this point, but it feels good to be writing something again, so I'm having trouble finding a stopping point, haha. I'll end it here for now.

pr // discord: Heckhound#6112
01-08-2018, 05:19 PM
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