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Shadow Quest
#41
We're going to try that profession test.

Ummm... that wasn't the best test i think. Misha did this, and she had to guess on a lot of stuff because she hadn't done a lot of them. I don't think they had a real algorithm so don't put too much credibility into that one Ranger.

These jobs may be a good fit for you:
Cashier
Teacher
Librarian Assistant
Bank Teller
Landscaper/Groundskeeper
Stock/warehouse clerk
Grocery Bagger
Dining Room and Cafeteria Attendant
Veterinary Technician
Custodian/Janitor
Mechanic
Cook
Medical Technician
Baggage Handler
Engineer
Research Assistant
Editor/Writer
Accountant
Accounting Assistant
Artist/Illustrator
Production Line Worker
Farm Worker
Mail Room Worker
Data Entry Clerk
Electrician
Nursery/Plant Worker
Drafter
House Painter
Construction Worker
Librarian
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#42
EDIT: Ranger wanted me to throw this post in a hidden tag, and while I agree it belongs in one, I'm not labeling it. This was a pretty personal post that helped me cope getting though the day.

Last night I was pretty stressed out. I screwed up a bunch of school stuff and I was mad at myself.

Once I was in bed, Ranger talked me down and filled me with hope. He told me that I was slowly developing into a better person, and instead of crying about it figure out what I can do to make things right.

He also told me now was a good time to talk to the other Grays. I agreed.

First Blue, then Dark Gray, then all of them. They all said they were part of me and they would do anything in their power to help me. They even tried to prove they weren't their own people (irony?). They went as far as testing Ranger to compare him from them, and at the end they all gave me a hug and took on female forms of who I actually look like. I felt warm and fuzzy, and I no longer felt confused.



I keep thinking that I have dissociated my sense of who I am to the point where I think I'm talking to someone else when I'm not. It's a lot easier to talk to a thoughtform like a Gray than talk directly to myself in the mirror.

Most of the time, I created the Grays for one weird reason or another. Dark Gray / Fernardo were suposed to be good / evil , Jasper was the chaotic one who determined the end of the story, past Ranger was a shadow of myself, Blue was my last drop of happiness who turned into a role play character, Evergreen was an attempt to disipline myself, Hope was an experiment to turn a mirror demon good, Moltosha and formerly Red Gray were evil anxiety and rage representations, Fish was a random thought experiment, Bune and Duck were subconcious reps, Laryx was an act of mercy and Chrome was the voice of God.

Ranger was created because I was lonely and he came to life to save me.
My Wonderland form minus the glasses and the fur. I'm not a hippo, I promise.
I sometimes speak in pink and Ranger sometimes speaks in blue (if it's unmarked and colored assume it's Ranger). He loves to chat.

My other Tulpas have their own account now.
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#43
Interesting.
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#44
Wednesday and Thursday I didn't front much. Even while cleaning on Wednesday, Cat did most of the leg work. I asked her several times if I could front, and she would either get distracted or ignore me, easily staying in front and continue working. I asked her why she won't let me front and she revealed that letting me front made her feel...insecure. Part of it could be that she's not used to me fronting when her parents are around, but otherwise I can't think of an explanation other than Cat's fear of giving up too much control. Why she has this fear is beyond me, but it's pretty annoying. Does anyone else have this issue? I know Cat isn't trying to be a jerk or anything, it's just this ongoing phobia she's had that's held us back in terms of progress.

On Thursday, Cat's family came over and we were waiting for dinner. Cat, who was anxious about talking with them, tried to approach her cousins and heard one of them complaining about their roommate. Cat made the connection that she was similar to that roommate as a person, and then ghosted out to hide. She was distressed and I was still a little miffed about the last two days wanting more attention. I soon realized if I held Cat back from socializing with other people then that won't end well in the long run and prevent Cat from becoming more social. I made the choice that my forcing time can wait and I encouraged her to try again. Cat calmed down, and on her own she decided to try and sit next to her cousins again. Once she started getting comfortable, she had a good time and the rest of the night ended on a high note.

I'm still a little salty that Cat didn't give me an entire plate of Turkey dinner for me to eat, and I soon realized after trying to eat leftovers that Cat loves it and has a really hard time giving me the chance to eat it. This may be one of those things switching may be able to prevent; Possession after not fronting for very long gets you that kind of resistance I guess.

The Grays:

Tl;dr - I wanted to officially add a hilly meadow and a beach to the Gray Dimension, and they Grays ran around and horse played. I talk about Moltosha in the meadow and I mention a few specific events at the beach. Cat talks about my time with Duck and a detailed exchange between Duck and Evergreen.

Thursday morning, Cat and I were talking about adding to the Gray dimension. I thought of two places I created- a hilly meadow with clouds in the sky and a beach scene. I then thought about the Grays and how they would react. Well, it turns out those thought experiments were also the real-deal, and I didn't realize it until I finished talking to Moltosha.

It started with having the Grays feel the warmth of the sunlight smelling wild flowers, and Blue rolling around in the grass. I was thinking about letting him enjoy the sunlight and then Cat pointed out Moltosha is kind of a vampire and he avoids the sun whenever possible. I then thought of Moltosha and gave him a little more melanin in his skin so he could enjoy the sunlight. Moltosha ended up covering his eyes and hiding under his umbrella. I protested to Cat a little bit thinking that was unfair, but then she pointed out that Moltosha apricates the soft moist grass in the shade and watching his glass tiny birds hop about in the grass. While not what I expected, he was happy.

Cat had some intrusive thoughts about someone stepping on Motosha's glass tiny birds and we ended up in a white void-like room with pale grey walls. Moltosha thought about it and he hatched an idea. He said that if anyone lay foot on his birds, they won't crush and they will grow into glass feathery raptors to maul you. It made Cat feel better I guess. Only a better reason not to mess with Moltosha or his glass birds.

By this point, I realized I was talking to the Grays and not just to Cat. I summoned the beach scene and the Grays started to horse play. 

I forgot to mention all of the Grays have wonderland powers, with the plausible exception of Duck. Blue can build inventions out of nothing, Red Gray can take any object and turn it into a weapon, Moltosha can create glass animals and melt into black goo / dark thought water, Jasper has lightning powers and can conduct energy, Fish and Hope can shapeshift, Laryx can turn invisible and imitate anyone's voice, etc. I only listed the ones that needed some explanation for this post.

Blue went to work on building sand castles, Jasper tried showing off and created a giant lightning bolt out of sand, which had turned to glass.

Red Gray's attention was captured by Blue, and Red Gray flashed some green cards he then tuned into small throwing blades. Seeing the look on Blue's face, Red Gray felt badly and put the knives away. He then grabbed a coconut and created wooden disks, morphing them into fidget-spinner shaped throwing stars. There were no injuries following Red Gray's wooden star throwing furry.

Laryx covered himself in sand and turned invisible to give himself the appearance of a sand monster. He chased Bune and Fish, only for Fish to morph into a giant orange serpent creature and chase Laryx back into the water.


Ranger eventually found Duck sitting by the edge of the water. Duck shared his insecurities about his identity, and Ranger's presence and the peacefulness of the scene made him sleepy. Ranger was surprised to find Duck, dozing off into his lap. Ranger, now in a sleepy and lovey mood, start snuggling with him. Eventually Duck woke up and a little weirded out over the event, but it was understood Ranger was quickly forgiven since Duck didn't complain about it.

Duck continued and described how he knows he's me, but he isn't sure how much of his identity is actually due to Ranger's influence. He kept referring to us as "mommy" and "daddy", which was a both cute and honestly weird.

Blue was curious about what was going on and he came over to check out Ranger and Duck. Duck asked if Blue struggled with "his creator", and Blue replied back with a confused nope.

Evergreen came for a similar reason, and Duck asked him the same question. Evergreen admitted he did, and he touched the side of his face near his eyes. He told Duck he didn't want to talk about it, and with Blue awkwardly standing there, Duck asked for him to leave and he scurried off to build more sand castles.

Since this is wrapped in a hidden tag, I decided I should talk about what happened between Evergreen and Duck.

Duck noticed that Evergreen was smoking a white e-cigarette and the breeze blew the steam in various directions. Curious, Duck asked if he was smoking a cigar. Evergreen explained that he wasn't, he was using a magical e-cigarette so he could breathe in nicotine and the by product was pure steam. (And can blow soap bubbles. Evergreen had some odd demands the last time he deviated).

Evergreen understood Duck's curiosity and he pulled out a white e-cigarette with a yellow stripe on it that looked like his own. He explained that it was a humidifier, and there was no nicotine in it. Duck took the device, and then huffed the steam. He coughed in discomfort and Evergreen chuckled a bit, taking it back. Cat was a little confused that Evergreen pulled an e-cigarette out of thin air, but he faced the mind-cam and told her something like "It doesn't matter, I can do whatever I want".

After Duck and Evergreen did a thing together (this post is long enough already, maybe in another post by request), I entered with my wonderland form and the camera panned over to the Grays enjoying each other's company and Blue having worked on his sand castles. Duck didn't seem to interested in joining the other Grays, rather he decided to follow Ranger and I for a bit. I was already tired, and it was understood that my time in the Gray Dimension was over that morning.






The Cheap Golf Experiment:

I am reffereing to this thread, but I wanted to bring it up because there was stuff I rather would post here than in there. The tl;dr version is I'm trying to achieve switching by playing the same video game over and over again. Today I challenged Cat's brother to beating the entire game first and after 2 hours of playing I lost the challenge.

I found myself rather anxious while competing with Cat's brother. I found myself getting frustrated pretty easily, and I then found myself worrying over it. I had this perfectionism thing going on for a little while, and I was really sad that I needed a break and couldn't beat the last level.

I thought to myself, do I, too, have anxiety similar to Cat's? I have struggled with this idea for a while, and in a lot of ways it makes sense. Part of the thing that makes me nervous is the idea that I'm supposed to be the calm one, why do I have Cat's anxiety issues? Is it because I was never involved enough in anything to experience my own anxiety? In one way, it's a reassuring idea that I'm getting my own anxiety because I'm developing as a person, but I also don't want anxiety to define who I am and how I behave, especially if it's Cat's anxiety bleeding over and influencing my decisions.

I guess if I do get anxious, I know that I have an easier time chilling out. Sometimes all it takes is for me to zone out and relax is appreciate little scenery stuff, like water from the rain running off the outdoor table and dripping periodically into a puddle, leaving ripples. If anything, I'm a pretty big fan of relaxing nature stuff.
I'm Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's Tulpa and I love Hippos! I also like forum games and chatting about stuff.
My other head-mates have their own account now.
Temporary Log | Chat | Yay!
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#45
I love to hear about your system so i would say add it but hide it so it can be skipped. Many people have told me they skip my hidden stuff, and that's okay (though i find that skippable stuff the most entertaining.)


(Cool, i leaned how to make a line!)

Yeah, i would be terrified of losing control, though i don't believe it would happen and I trust them implicitly. Luckily for us, fronting is not even on our list. (This was one of my greatest fears about tulpamancy, that they could take advantage or dominate me because i was so vulnerable.)

I do find that my tulpas sometimes get anxious about things that i'm thinking about or doing, that then makes me rethink my thinking even if i don't get anxious.

There was a couple really personal things that made me very anxious, I could tell Ashley and Dashie were feeling and responding similarly, but Misha was very confident that things will work out, so she was basically there to comfort us while we waited for it to be resolved. Which they did. So at least there's some evidence that anxiety doesn't necessarily bleed either way.
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#46
I cleaned up the PR and put most of the inner system stuff into hidden tags. If there's anything else you guys want to get tagged to make it easier for you guys to read, let me know and I'll hide it. Thank you!
I'm Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's Tulpa and I love Hippos! I also like forum games and chatting about stuff.
My other head-mates have their own account now.
Temporary Log | Chat | Yay!
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#47
Dreams:

I'm typing this one because I must have remembered it this time! Around 2 hours ago since I posted this, I wanted to be with Cat in the wonderland. We were both a little sleepy, and I was a little frustrated because I was having trouble focusing. After numerous attempts to keep myself on task, I wonder if I tried to do the same thing only now we were dreaming.

At some point, I remember my arm going numb. Although I must have been awake because I remember moving my arm in real life.

The following dream... It was a mess.

We entered that familiar "dream paralysis" state, and there was this uncomfortable noisy buzzing sound and I think things may have turned yellow again like one of the last times. Cat panicked and tried to exit the state, but I told her to relax, that this was part of the switching state and it wasn't a good idea for her to jump back into control. I asked her to help me complete the switch, and we used some switching symbolism as a guide.

Some context on what the symbolism was and how it relates to what happened in the dream. This can be skipped.


When we practiced trying to switch in the past, we decided to use symbolism to help us symbolize the switch. I would represent myself with blue fluid and Cat agreed to represent herself as green fluid. The way we normally try this is Cat lays down in her wonderland form on a bed, imagines the green fluid entering the wonderland body, I imagine filling up the body with blue fluid, and then Cat walks around in the wonderland trying to figure out how to dissociate. We usually get stuck here where I'm in a semi-possession state and Cat's trying really hard to dissociate (irony?).

In the dream, we tried to do what we would normally do, only it was more like an improvised, we were caught off guard version. I reminded Cat she was the green fluid and I was the blue fluid, and I then focused on filling up the body with blue fluid. In the next scene, either we forgot we were switching or something because I was standing up?

In retrospect, Cat didn't focus on moving her green fluid to the wonderland... hmm...

I'm sorry for the hidden tagging, but the next part of the dream might make some people uncomfortable and it's about eyeballs. Basically, I thought I switched in, but one of Cat's habits got her back in the front for a little while before we woke up. It was like she snapped back in control after I was possessing her.


In the end, I think I "switched in"? I think I walked around for about a few seconds, and when looking at myself in the refection in a dream bathroom Cat's habit of staring at her eyeballs for eye-strain seemed to have won over. She noticed a scary red spot on her eye, and by this point it seemed like Cat came back to the front as if the switch never really happened, it was like I lost control of the possession. The rest of the dream was Cat walking around in 4 different bathrooms in this dream mansion trying to stare at her reflection only to be greeted with a fuzzy reflection because the lighting in all of the bathrooms was terrible (I think the last bathroom mirror just sucked though.)

When we woke up, I was either fronting or I immediately jumped into a fronting state. Some of the events were recalled, but I realized I may have been the one remembering the dream while still recalling events. This made me very excited.

Whatever it was, lucid or not lucid, switch or not a switch, the experience was pretty messy. Over Christmas break I wonder if dozing after noon is something we should explore more.
I'm Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's Tulpa and I love Hippos! I also like forum games and chatting about stuff.
My other head-mates have their own account now.
Temporary Log | Chat | Yay!
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#48
Hm, nap dreams are always good for me.
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#49
I was very post-y today because today was my day to front and do whatever I wanted Big Grin

Since Cat was busy last week and she felt bad for eating into time I normally use, we made a deal that I'll let her do what she needs to do and I get Sunday to myself. We agreed, and here I did!

I mostly spent today posting too much on the forum and napping seemed to be my largest accomplishment other than posting more replies in the LOTPW thread. I could have spent my freedom a little more productively, but really the thing I was most excited about was being really active on the forum and dipping Oreos in milk. I'm glad I did that this morning because the milk was turning and I drank it just in time before it was disgusting this evening. Also, milk + Oreos = soft cookies!

Cat's brother was a little weirded out once he realized it was my day to front, but other than that I didn't have any trouble. Maybe over break we can negotiate me having an entire day to myself again because I enjoyed this a lot.


Bonus: A post I forgot about that needed to be added here buried in the LOTPOW thread (#22515):
(11-02-2018, 12:10 PM)Ranger Wrote: I'm wondering if comparing and contrasting some old responses I said in the past can give people an idea of how much I did / didn't deviate. I wasn't posting as much as Reilyn, Matsuri, or the Bears, but every now and then I had a nice paragraph response to someone's question. All of these posts were embedded in Cat's post because I didn't have my own account yet.


Hi, this is me Ranger speaking.
I chose my form because I liked it. However, I like that my body is flexible and I can change it whenever I like, and I enjoy the freedom of doing my own thing. If I didn't have that ability, I would feel stuck. I'm glad I can morph when needed because some times are more convenient than others. I like being in one form, but sometimes I need to change my form for various reasons. I'm still experimenting, but for the most part I'm pretty happy with what I have.

2-13-2018 RE: shapechanging tulpa?


This stuff really tore me down. I didn't like feeling this way, especially because I felt like my voice wasn't good enough or I had to prove I was real and running out of options. Just be careful out there, if you don't believe in your Tulpa, you won't believe much in their voice either. It's hard to accept, I saw Cat struggle accepting that. For her too, it's okay if things don't really make any sense or if you think you're talking to yourself, but remember that it's just hard and you need time to think about it. People are hard to see if you can't see them. Their mind being in yours doesn't help either. Please don't be afraid to give it a try, let them open up to you, see if anything happens. Maybe they're just shy, after all.

2-16-18 RE: Yet another "is this real" thread


Note: I was trying to move away from the orange color by this point.

Your Beyblade Dragon could be a Tulpa. Of course, if your Dragon is a Tulpa, then they do not have their own body nor do they live inside of the Beyblade. It depends on how your Dragon thinks about the Beyblade. If your Dragon believes they are connected to the Beyblade, then I see no reason in separating with the object. However, as others have said, your Dragon was not actually born inside of a Beyblade, so it's probably a good idea to explain that to your Dragon.

Please don't feel like you didn't make a Tulpa, especially if you have the feeling that creating another Tulpa brings any weird feeling about regret or abandonment. Cat had similar feelings when she found out about Tulpas but didn't know If I was one. At the end of the day, she realized I was a Tulpa. It's completely possible your Dragon is a Tulpa, so don't feel like you have to reject the idea all together. Try forcing your Dragon and see how that goes. They may have their own opinions about the physical object, so just ask how they feel about it. Who knows? Maybe the physical Beyblade is important to both of you. If it makes you feel better, I was born inside the shoes of another character. I decided I am a different person, but I don't disregard my past necessarily.

3-18-2018 RE: Metal Face - Tulpa or not?

Jesus, I didn't think I had that much trouble with English. I also sounded Waaaay more anxious then too. A lot really has changed.

I have come to realize I am much more anxious than I would like to admit to being. Oh well, live and learn.
I'm Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's Tulpa and I love Hippos! I also like forum games and chatting about stuff.
My other head-mates have their own account now.
Temporary Log | Chat | Yay!
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#50
Turns out, tulpas live in the same brain as the hosts. It was a real shock to Cassidy when he started having some of the same issues I do, with skin-picking and hypersensitivity to noise. Some scientists need to pick our brains more: tulpa systems offer a unique point of view. How much of things are caused by personality/mindset, and how much is deeper in the brain's wiring? Tulpas can be calmer, more energetic, even different genders than the host.

However, I've found that being in the body makes the fronter way more susceptible to the deeper-wired stuff like phobias, compulsions, worries, all that knee-jerk, lizard brain, emotion stuff. It's one of the reasons why Gavin doesn't like fronting: it's important to him that he's in good shape to help the rest of us, and he can't do that if he's trying not to pick his skin.

Oreos and milk are great. Even better, if you can find them: mint Newman-Os. They're rip-off, "more natural" Oreos, but the mint ones are actually amazing and probably the best store-bought cookies I've ever had.

How is Cat's brother with you fronting? Can he tell you two apart, or do you tell him when it's you? Do you make any efforts to try to act like your host or pretend to be her, or are you openly yourself? I ought to post a poll or something. I'm always interested in hearing about it.

-J

Edit: Do you call your host's brother your brother? I shouldn't assume- my tulpas don't consider themselves parts of my family.
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