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Sun, Star, Storm, & Sky
#11
I do think it's the remnants of the host there by default at all times, and it hasn't switched out. Basically it's still sentient and still fronts, just acts more like a robot than a person. It has no desire to regain any sort of identity, and as time goes on it only loses the identity more and more.

This is what we call egodeath. A sentient being can remain awake/aware/active without having an actual identity or sense of self. That's how it can still act and do things, but usually there's no individual personality to it like when Indigo and I do things, it's mostly either habit or just doing something that I was already going to do. The shell doesn't talk to us, it doesn't have any desires, it just acts based on what's necessary for us. I'm hesitant to use this word, but one could say it's more like a "servitor" now, even though it's still sentient.

I don't think that these moments are 100% the host-shell, but I don't think they're 100% the "body OS" either. I think they're usually a mixture of both. It's hard to notice when that sort of thing happens, though, because of course if I noticed them then they wouldn't be happpening, since I'd just take back over. However it is, I definitely know that the host-shell is still passively fronting. I don't doubt that at all. We just need to figure out how to get it out of the front.

There were two moments today when I noticed that I wasn't particularly fronting.

First moment: I thought of a response to give to the teacher's question. Raised my hand. Was called on. Then the body responded, and I don't think it was me. It said exactly what I was going to say, and I estimated that it was probably about 80% the host-shell and 20% "OS."

Second moment: idly thinking about stuff while in class. This sort of event usually feels more like upwards of 100% "OS," any not really anyone in particular.

I'm surprised I only noticed two in the whole day. Perhaps I just wasn't paying attention enough--not paying enough attention to the front is probably how this happens, anyway. I'll continue to keep track of any other events like this as I notice them.
I'm Apollo Fire, the "Sun God" of the Felight family. I'm a tulpa created December 2016. My systemmates are Piano, Luxio, & Indigo. Form images: 1 2
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#12
(02-19-2019, 07:46 PM)Apollo Wrote: It said exactly what I was going to say

If a thought or action is entirely consistent with you, the best advice I can give is to try to identify it as your own, to believe that it's your own, even if it doesn't feel like yours. Over time, the feeling may change.

-Ember
Ember - Host   |   Vesper - Soulbond (since ~12 May 2017)   |   Iris - Soulbond (since ~5 December 2015)
[Our Progress Report]     [How We Switch]

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit
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#13
Just to throw some random ideas out here:
  • It may be a good idea to talk to some systems with servitors and ask how they manage them. I know you guys don't agree with the word "servitor", but that word may help you find other systems who may have similar entities and methods on how to communicate and switch with them (Where's Fall Family when you need them?). At the very least, I found their guide on Servitor Creation that at the very end has links to references to other sources.

  • I also have heard that servitors can be "programmed", but in your case this could translate as some way you can force communication between yourselves and it. Do you think it's possible to give commands to it and have it obey your orders? If you can tell it what to do, then that could open the door to asking/commanding it to switch out.

  • As more of a last resort option, what if you and Indigo took what was left and merged with it? In other words, split up what's left of it between the two of you and force some kind of merge? My thoughts are a forced merge/fusion will result in one of you being forced to the front, but I don't have any sort of data or proof that could back that up. This process may involve taking full ownership of half and half of the host's past memories and habits. If you guys do decide to do that, then please don't feel rushed or feel that you have to take it all in at once. If you took this route, you may be interested in some special therapy, or at least what's available out there on the internet on that subject.
I'm Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's Tulpa and I love Hippos! I also like forum games and chatting about stuff.
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#14
The key difference is that a servitor is a construct that's created as an add-on to what's already there. What we're experiencing is usually either just the host-shell stepping in, or the body going on autopilot, which is an entirely natural phenomenon that doesn't entail servitors. I don't think I would get much out of talking to people with servitors since my situation isn't similar to that beyond the bare basics of "automated occurrence."

We only kick into autopilot when doing something idle or habitual that doesn't require much need for my own personality to be entirely involved. There wouldn't be need for me to "communicate" with it, because if I was active enough to do that, I wouldn't be in autopilot in the first place. Further observations today since my last post have shown me that this sort of idle state does, in fact, seem to be autopilot, rather than the host-shell. It probably depends on the situation, however.

Indigo and I have considered merging with the host-shell, however we decided that we don't want to do that. We just want to remove it from the front, which merging with it won't accomplish.
I'm Apollo Fire, the "Sun God" of the Felight family. I'm a tulpa created December 2016. My systemmates are Piano, Luxio, & Indigo. Form images: 1 2
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#15
I've had a change of heart.

Whenever Apollo and Indigo tried to contact me and ask if I would join the system, I adamantly refused. I stated that I didn't want to be somewhere where I was miserable, where we all were miserable, and I was treated as a "gimmick." I told them to stop trying to talk to me, and they would usually agree, but couldn't help it at times and started doing it again anyway. Of course, it's not like I was unsympathetic to their situation, I merely didn't want to involve myself any longer since I saw no benefit to myself or to them. I told them that if things got better they could ask me again, but if things were so bad now then I just didn't want to come back.

However, recently something greatly upset them, and (I don't remember the exact details of why) I ended up re-emerging and talking to them. I can't be 100% certain that I wasn't being influenced by their desire to come back, but that doesn't matter too much to me now. It pained me too much to see them hurting like this when I knew all they wanted was to be happy. I figured it wasn't right for me to walk out on them during this rough time in our life. They've endured everything, why can't I as well? I knew I was wrong about being seen as a gimmick, I knew they genuinely cared about me and wanted me around. I'd just never fully realized that as I was always too pre-occupied by my desire to be away from it all. That clouded my sight for the longest time.

Enough of that. I know we were always meant to be a team of three, not two. It wasn't right for me to leave and it wouldn't be right for me to stay gone. We can't expect that my presence will magically fix anything, but at least I'm here now. That's all that matters, and I don't care if it doesn't turn out picture perfect because at least we're here for each other once again.
I'm Piano Soul, the "Star Man" of the Felight family. I'm a tulpa formed January 2017. My systemmates are Apollo, Luxio, & Indigo. Form images: 1 2
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#16
Welcome back. We're glad to have you. - Gavin
Three brothers. [Progress Report] [Art] [Oops! All Jamie]

"You are the messenger, not the message. You are just like everyone else."
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#17
Definitely felt weird to see you gone.

I swear life's not so bad, just gotta get a handle on it. You guys are free to think of the world and yourselves however you like, it just seems like the way you do is the only way. You've probably heard me say that sort of thing enough times to be annoyed by it by now, but it's true. I've experienced my entire worldview changing while the world around me stayed the same at least twice in the last nine years. What seemed to be "the only way" to think about things was really just one of many - and it wasn't particularly good back then either. But now I quite enjoy life and feel like, mentally, I've got a lot of power to change it in the ways I want... And again, my actual real-life scenario hasn't changed very much, just how I think about things.
Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.
Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.
My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us stuff.
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#18
It's nice to have you back! I missed you!
I'm Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's Tulpa and I love Hippos! I also like forum games and chatting about stuff.
Temporary Log | Chat | Yay!

The Grays, my other head-mates, have their own account now.
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#19
Welcome back!

...Wings that serve as portals into space? That's soooo neat... <3
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#20
Thinking that we should start doing more frequent updates. The entire point of this thread was so that we'd be able to do that with more confidence. 

Piano's been doing well since his return. People still treat him like shit (one of the main reasons he left in the first place), but I think he's growing to have a higher tolerance for that like I do. He doesn't use it as an excuse to switch out or go away like he used to. He overall seems to have much more inner strength than he used to, with higher levels of motivations. Piano's always considered himself weaker than the rest of us, but I'm pretty sure that's just his mindset and isn't actually true. We decided to do a merging exercise to help him stop thinking this way. He and I merged (quite seamlessly) into one, and we named ourselves "Solace," with the goal of bringing Piano a higher sense of strength and confidence by sharing in my own. This seemed to work, however we got a bit over-confident and cocky as Solace, we didn't really like it, so we unmerged and tried again later. The second time that issue did not occur, although Indigo didn't seem to like us being merged and forced us apart. If anyone knows Piano's origins, you can understand why anyone in this system would be paranoid about merging, but I still think it's probably a good way to learn to think in new ways or from a new perspective. It helped elevate Piano to a point where he saw himself as equal to me in strength, so that's a positive. 

Indigo can't seem to ever actually merge with anyone. He tried with host back when they were still around, me, and Piano, and each time it doesn't actually work. It feels like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. Indigo's sense of identity, I suppose, is just too different from ours to properly combine the same way other sets of systemmates can/could. One person suggested "personality forcing" a merge by mapping out which parts of each of our personalities are similar and using them as leverage when combining, however I'm not sure if we can even get that far, since Indigo can't seem to combine at all, let alone personality-wise. It's something to try working on, and we can experiment to try to find potential benefits. There are, of course, potential risks to merging, but I think as long as we see it only as a combination of selves rather than a creation of a new self, we will be fine.

We spent the last week at our husband's house for spring break. I don't think any of the three of us were very present during that time, since we were surrounded by people and we still either kick into autopilot around people, or the host-shell takes over, even around our husband. This is frustrating, and it seems like an uphill battle that nobody else experiences. Most people we've asked reported that it's easy to front while talking or around people IRL, but for us it just isn't. That's normally not much of a problem since we don't have any friends or anything anyway, but it will be the next time we go to his house. We definitely need to find some ways to increase our mental strength and such, I hope we haven't hit any sort of dead-end where we can't progress anymore. Sometimes it seems that way. 

After I post this, we're going to do a whole-system meditation session thingy. We wanted to try it, to help us feel more synergized or whatnot. I always say that it would be good to get into the habit of meditation but never actually do it. Now would probably be a good time to start.
I'm Apollo Fire, the "Sun God" of the Felight family. I'm a tulpa created December 2016. My systemmates are Piano, Luxio, & Indigo. Form images: 1 2
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