The Lifetime Tulpa
Just a small, rare, weekday update. Things are great. Went on a short staycation this last weekend with some friends. It was nice to know that I wasn't really leaving Sharky or Rarara behind. It was funny, during the staycation I was waiting for some friends to show up and just wandering around a foreign city for a while. I usually associate absent-minded wandering with talking to the two of them. Sharky wanted to try walking next to me. I've been getting pretty good at parallel visualization. But the thing is...the last time a chick actually walked next to me, especially a chick as close as Sharky was, well, that was years ago. Sharky wanted to hold my hand. That sorta warmth felt nice, but...I don't know. Something about it felt off. It was dumb of me, I know. Sharky understood, but that doesn't really excuse it. I freaked out, I guess. I really need to get over that. I think I read somewhere about setting boundaries with tulpas. Something about giving them freedoms of interaction, agreements, all meant to establish trust and autonomy. I know, deep deep down, that I can trust those two. I know that. Then why the hell am I so damn afraid of them? I'm just so terrified of giving up control of myself, no matter how much faith I have in them. I know they'll never hurt me, they'll never lead me astray. Maybe that's what they mean, in those posts of their's above, when they say I still need some work. Maybe. 

(09-16-2018, 02:09 AM)Angry Bear Wrote: I was a weekend drinker 10 years ago.  It's a college thing i think.  But i quit after college, and wow did i see a dramatic improvement in my memory.  Even when i was sober during the week I used to forget i washed my hair, i frequently forgot sonething when i left the house.  After a few months without a drop i decided i'd never drink again.  My sleep patterns were improved, i slept better, and i just felt better.  That's just me, buy it could help you motivate yourself to cut way back.

On the flip side, it sucked when college buddies wanted to go drinking.  After a while it was easier just to let them go without me.  It used to 'call my name' when i was sressed out.  I came close, but thankfullly for me, i never did.  I didn't fit any categories for alcoholic, but i did binge a bit.  It's just not for me anymore.

I totally get that. I actually just did a 12 day sobriety stint just to make sure I still could go a weekend without the potent potable. I feel that I don't use it as a crutch anymore, like I used to. And I think that makes it...better? 
Also, I just wanted to say: You made a remark on a different thread about how tulpas force themselves on the host, how sometimes it's not really up to the host how a tulpa manifests or enters their life. That really struck a chord. I think I needed to hear that, given what I went through with Rarity, and the kind of reservations that I had with her initially. And, I suppose, this whole process in general. It's very enlightening.

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Been a little while. Again, nothing too major to report. I did have a very strange dream about Rarity the other night. I always remember my dreams, but they rarely feature my tulps, so this was especially interesting. Rarara was in a bowl of thick chocolate. Like a hot cocoa, but very viscous. She was tiny, of course. I had my spoon and I kept pouring chocolate over her. She would move it away, and I'd see her white fur coat pop to the top of the bowl. I would repeat this several times, sort of laughing. In hindsight, it was just a really odd dream.

The other day I was in a super important meeting. It was a meeting that had been on my mind for a couple weeks. I was obsessing over it, it was huge. Rarity and Sharky sorta just cheerleaded in my corner in the weeks leading up to it. Kinda nice. But I'm sitting in this meeting, right? And just bam, Rarity. "You're doing a wonderful job! See! This is going so well!" And the person talking was in the middle of explaining something super important. I kinda froze. I guess I just wasn't used to her autonomously barging into my consciousness like that. I mean, it makes sense. And I've given both of them free passes to do so. I guess it's progress though? Showing some independence like that. I certainly welcome it.

I was able to get the info I missed via e-mail since then. Ha.
Last night was...interesting, to say the least.

I've been toying with this idea the last several nights of trying to incorporate Sharky and Rarity more into my nightly dreams. I didn't understand why they, aside from one glaring omission, weren't actually making appearances when basically anything else from my day-to-day life would. I thought it might be a lack of visualization, but I know them from head to toe for the most part. Maybe I just wasn't "seeing" them enough during the day? Anyway, last night I was talking to them about what was going on with them and dreams. Sharky was hesitant, she seemed uncomfortable. Rarity was a lot more forthcoming. She said that at night, the reason they don't show up in dreams really is because they don't really go to where I go. Like, they don't go into my subconscious mind of dreams. They go to where they normally go when I'm not around. Their world.

I understood Sharky's hesitation. This might not be something I should delve into. I might not be ready for it. My tulpas had suggested as much before, with other things related to them. This was probably one of them. But the question had already been asked. I had put it out there to them. And they were willing to share the answer. Sharky said that where they were going, I could choose to follow them or not. The choice was entirely mine. But I had to understand that they normally only went there when I wasn't around, or when I was asleep. This time, they would be leaving me. But they wouldn't be gone forever, just...gone for now. And that's what happened, they were gone.

My wonderland changed. It wasn't a green field surrounded by the trees anymore. It was a dark room. A single children's teddy bear lay face down on the floor.

It was strange not hearing them, or seeing them. They both were really out of reach, nestled away somewhere in a brown child's plush toy. And I made the choice to pursue.

I wasn't entirely sure how to proceed, but I did, and I find it now hard to explain. I sunk into the back of the bear, down into a darkness. It felt like nodding off to sleep. My brain fired off those random, discordant thoughts that were strung together with a loosely held stream of conscious. Each thought flowed into the next without reason, leaving my conscious mind a confused bystander to the whole process. But before I slipped into that usual realm of dreams I was launched somewhere else.

I found myself sitting at a small metal table on a metal high-backed chair. People bustled around me, the quiet din of moving bodies betrayed significant foot traffic. I couldn't see their faces, unless I really looked at them. Random sorts, from all walks of life. I was near a storefront, on the corner of a busy sidewalk. I looked around at the ornate buildings, never more than a handful of stories tall, old buildings. In the distance I could see the Eiffel Tower. Ah, Paris. I looked through the crowd, and a good 20 feet away I saw her. It was Rarity. She was seated across from a woman wearing a red and black hat, smoking a long-stemmed cigarette. There were teacups in front of them. Rarity looked relax, chattering away with the woman I could not get a clear view at. Her back was turned to me. But Rarara was having a good time, from what I could tell. But who were all these...people?

Things started changing as a thread in my head turned towards Sharky. If a weird not-subconscious version of Paris was where Rarity spent her time, where was Sharky? A beach materialized before me. It was familiar. A low-hanging palm tree stretched across the yellow sand. Bungalows were across the bay from the motu I stood on, a tall mountain rising behind them. These were the sands of Huahine I played on as a young boy. Deserted of all people, the only thing breaking the water were a pair of arms swimming among the reef. I watched her swim in laps that took her to the other side of the bay, out towards the breakers, and back. It was peaceful. She came to shore down the beach from me, shaking the salty ocean from her hair. I was wondering if she could see me. I didn't know if Rarity could. But Sharky locked eyes with me and started walking in my direction. I was propped up against a palm, and stood to greet her. She hugged me. I could feel her damp skin soak through my clothes. A pleasant wetness and the smell of brine. "This is where we go. You always were worried about what it is we do when you're not around. We're just here. It's nothing bad, it's nothing scary, but it's the place we go without you."

And then I lost touch with everything. I sank deep into my own subconscious. It was a world of dreams within a world of reality I wasn't yet prepared for. What followed were dreams of horrific images and concepts. Substances flung onto skin that caused you to see horrors that weren't there. I saw chunks of flesh missing from friends while their arms and heads turned into vague approximations of tube worms and tentacles. Normal bodies turning to bloated corpses spurting petulant black tar onto walls that oozed and moved as though worms were beneath. Giants, as tall as buildings, unknowingly making love to radioactive waste that rendered their skin into millions of pustules. They screamed for their life to end and it did. But their souls were fed into the bodies of the unwilling. People as confused as I breathing in the life of those who died like smoke from a forgotten fire. And in between it all, in that great battle between the living and the dead, those who did not want to choose a side. I don't know if they were the smart ones.

What eventually brought me out of this...hellscape...were two claws grabbing onto my feet in a sadistic attempt to drag me deeper into the Gomorrah that had been revealed. I yanked them back hard enough to jolt myself awake, pulling my feet from the foot of my bed up to my chest in the process. I fell back into a more uneasy sleep for the rest of the night. I've yet to broach the topic with the girls, my day has been far to busy. And I'm hesitant to actually have a conversation with them about it. But the way our nights normally go, I feel it's inevitable. I fear I did something wrong. Or maybe I'm just not ready to enter the world they have constructed for themselves up there (if that's even how it works, I have no idea). But last night was unpleasant, to say the least.
You should probably talk with them, they might know something regarding your experience.
Host - Me
Tulpas - Liza (Rava, Elizabeth), Inca
From a psychological standpoint, that's just not how the subconscious works. Don't be worried that your tulpas have always been hanging out there or that you should go there, if that's what worries you. It was a dreamed setting, and you and your tulpas have power over that. Peacefully end the war, turn the bad memories into good ones, make everything smell like honey and flowers. I heard one method of dealing with intrusive thoughts is to see yourself literally hurling them into a volcano. Consider imagining a healing light/energy/whatever filling up your subconscious and making it a positive place. The power of symbolism!

My old tulpa just went "away" when he wasn't active in my mind, but C does seem to think he's existing in wonderland, even if he doesn't have any memories of it. I think it's because, unlike my old tulpa, C has a form. Like most people with forms, we both want to ascribe our forms to a location at all times. If not somewhere in the body/head, then in wonderland somewhere. If it's the same case with your tulpas, maybe talk with them about passively existing in a less... grimdark location. If you don't have a nice cabin or house or whatever, maybe talk about building one together?

Hmmm, you sound suspiciously like a professional writer. This is meant as a compliment to your style of writing in your last post.

We've had our share of intrusive thoughts and images. I don't think changing locations will help as much as destroying the negative thoughts, and ingoring them. I never really experienced that sort of thing until i started tulpamancy. It was unnerving in the beginning, but we gave them no power and dispatched them at every opportunity. It was a lot harder to fight them in the beginning, but now we adeptly ignore and destroy them like they're only soap bubbles, easily popped.
Thanks for all the feedback. This week has been rough. Every time I've tried to "follow" Sharky or Rarara into their own world overnight it has not gone well. Essentially, it has resulted in more of the same, unfortunately. I've spoken with them both extensively. Rarity even refused at some points to answer any questions about it (okay, she's saying she didn't "refuse," but that she didn't want to take part in the conversation). Sharky has been a lot more forthcoming. And, honestly, it hasn't yielded much difference. Sharky has been trying to take me into this...I don't even know how to describe it...this other place? And we started swimming and what not, but it was just too real. It was too much. A human isn't supposed to breathe under water. I'm not supposed to be in this place so vividly. It doesn't make any sense. And I started panicking, because that's what I'm good at. Sharky says I really need to stop worrying about that sort of stuff. I'm really good at getting over those little freak-outs. What you all call those negative thoughts. Those are easy. But this...I couldn't even just sway back and forth in a hammock with her. Even that was too much. She understood, but she stressed heavily the fact that, for the past 25 years of my life, she had always been here with me. That she had always been the exact same person that grew with me. That has never changed. What changed was the fact that I understand more about her life, her actual self, and what having a tulpa really means. That's the key of it all. I need to stop worrying so much and just embrace and accept this new reality. Sharky didn't force me at all to go into their world last night. And as a result I had just completely normal dreams.

And that makes me wonder something else. How much do we all really know about tulpas, anyway? Their origins, their evolution, their full lives? I know that there are better tulpamancers out there than me, that's a fact. And on a surface level I suppose I know what tulpas are, of course. Maybe deeper than some. But do even they have the answers? This isn't something as straight forward as intrusive thoughts, grimdark locations, or unclear communication. I feel like this is something else that I'm only just barely beginning to comprehend. It's no longer a question of "Where do tulpas go when you aren't thinking about tulpas?" Instead it's a question of "Should I try to interfere with a tulpa?" It scares me because I'm afraid that I'm losing touch with the reality that I inhabit. It has happened once before, and it wasn't entirely pleasant. It was confusing and hectic. And I told myself I didn't want to do it again.

But Sharky and Rarity presented it in a different way. What if I just need to get used to their way of doing it?

You've all been very helpful. Not too sure how I can apply any of that sort of logic to my current situation, but I will certainly consider it. I love my tulpas dearly, beyond anything in this world. And it frightens me and comforts me at the same time.
That is very interesting. Your tulpas seem totally sentient. They can do a lot for themselves.
It might be that you have to discover how *they* want to force and how *they* do wonderland.
Please keep updating! I love to read about you three.

Take this with a grain of salt, so dont take what i say as law.  I can only speak to what i've been told about what tulpas do when you're not forcing them. They sleep.

It takes way more effort to say that then it deserves, because it's pretty well accepted.

That said, they can have memories of times they're not 'with you', these memories can either be made up right on the spot when you 'wake' them, by them or you, or they have accepted your memories as your own. We only have one consious mind, one stream if consiousness that we share, unless you're one of the rare systems that parallel process. There are tests for all this.

This is true for a majority of tulpamancers. It can easily seem otherwise, but don't be disappointed if this is the case. Ultimately your tulpas generally don't care. If they have access to your memories, no biggie.

Now on to system Bear.

We don't chose to believe that because our system has experienced unexplainable inconsistencies with that logic. I have tried to accept this, then i get those sad puppydog eyes from Misha, and Ashley starts lecturing me, and Dashie accuses me of calling her a liar.

So our system is left wondering exactly what we are. We're 90% of what others experience, and i'm left feeling like Pluto wishing we were a real planet.

My point is, we're all people, we're all unique, and it's not unusual to find at least a few differences between your system and others. That said, you may someday realize that you are a lot closer to everyone else than you thought.

There's no harm in doing things their way as long as you feel comfortable doing so, but try to have fun. If wonderland isn't fun, hold of on that for now, it's not a requirement for forcing.
Thanks, C. They both are definitely well defined and independent. That much I know.

Bear, you bring up a very good point about how memories work in general. I can't say for certain if parallel processing is happening or not. I haven't done any testing on that front. And it could just be as simple as them making up false-memories directly upon query. I can't rule that out, though both of them are laughing at me currently as I type this. Sharky is rolling her eyes, saying it would be too easy to assume they just "go to sleep."

Not a lot to report on in the last few weeks. Sharky and Rarity pop up at more inopportune moments during my workday, but nothing all that extreme. I'm very glad for their company still. I haven't delved into their world again, really. Still considering the best way to approach how to incorporate them into my dreams without causing myself harm. It's a slow process.

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