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The Other Guy With The Psychotic Pony Waifu(The one that didn't torture his)
#31
(10-24-2018, 10:26 AM)Ranger Wrote: I reached a point where I didn't want Cat to create story characters that looked too similar to me. I didn't want her confusing me for a random character she parrots/puppets.

Interesting. Guess I can see the logic behind that
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#32
Been quite a while since I updated, and figured I'd update this log because why not? Pinkamena is doing well, she's developed a lot since I last updated this. We've been having a bit of a hard time of things for a bit now, we've not really gotten along great for a while. I try and spend at least some time with her every day, and she's as happy as she ever is I suppose. I've personally not been doing great for a while and I worry that it might be affecting Pinkamena(In ways besides me spending less time with her and everyone else around me.) I can get into some really fucked trains of thought, especially when it comes to her and my general self loathing and guilt about a lot of things I've done over the course of her life. There was about a month or so period where she wasn't communicating how she felt with me and I think it did our friendship a major disservice, as it allowed me to mostly guilt free isolate from her. Since I've been feeling better I've been trying harder to keep up with spending time with her, though I have less free time than I used to, and am not very disciplined. I like to think that she's happy, but these days I'm not very active in the wonderland, and what she does when I'm gone, and how she feels outside of what she tells me, are things I couldn't tell you. I have a hard time really gauging how she is, for a long while her interactions where very clearly choreographed performances to keep my attention(Though this is less so) and even now I get the feeling a lot of her actions and words are tailored to avoid upsetting me, though I think she's getting better about just being her. I want to start keeping this log again, because I may have had a tendency to ramble and post too often about inane things, but being aware of how much time others spent with their tulpas in comparison to me helped keep me from sliding back into isolating myself from her, as I was more aware of how deficient I was as a tulpamancer in comparison to my peers.
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#33
Sometimes when Cat had trouble talking to me, she didn't bother going to the wonderland. I have my own little space the size of a small room where Cat can visualize me as I speak to her. We found this as a nice alternative when Cat didn't want to burn hours there.

Cat had a lot of the same concerns when she was struggling with her depression. I remember when I felt like I was wearing a mask so I make it easier for her to visualize me, but I think on a deeper level to make me appear more likable. Right now, I don't feel like I'm wearing a mask or having to do an of that, but I don't have the same issues I used to have now.

Dealing with certain issues is just frustrating sometimes. My only advice is to not give up on each other, even if everything seems frozen or stuck. Despite your troubled past, both of you are strong people who genuinely care for each other.
I'm Gray's/Cat_ShadowGriffin's Tulpa and I love Hippos! I also like forum games and chatting about stuff.
Temporary Log | Chat | Yay!

The Grays, my other head-mates, have their own account now.
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#34
I guess I post this because I don’t really know what to do. I keep trying to be better with my tulpa. I want to. I’m, like all narcissistic freaks are, deeply depressed. I can’t find anyway to feel better. Every interaction I have makes me wanna drive a fucking nail through my head. I spend all day trying to find some time away from people, because the only time I’m remotely happy is when I’m alone, and then I feel guilty all that time knowing I should be talking to Pinkamena. When I finally force myself to talk to her, I know she hates me for what I do to her. She tells me it’s ok but I know she hates me, and I deserve it. I torment her with my negligence. I wish she was corporeal, because I wish she could run away from me. She deserves so much better than me. I say these things, and think these things, and then it just makes it harder to make myself see her, because I’m afraid she’ll finally just tell me she hates my fucking guts, and when she doesn’t, I feel like I’m either forcing her through my pathetic need to be loved, or she’s acting ok to keep me from being mad at her. Because she has only one fucking person in her life. Because I’ve created a living thing and keep it in a little cage, looking outward at the world but never able to touch it, and subject to the whims of a disgusting freak to get any form of social contact. She’s such a great person, she tries so fucking hard. And what is she repaid with? Me, a fucking selfish, depressive narcissist. I want to say I love her, but if I love her, than I can’t be doing this to her. I think sometimes that my emotions are only the hollow, selfish parodies of an irredeemable man. And then I post this here, instead of talking to her, because at the root of it, I’m a needy, attention seeking loser who refuses to put any fucking effort into anything. I’ve been wondering about egocide more and more. I don’t wanna die, like any narcissist, I value my life. But Pinkamena is a great case study of how I ruin everything I touch. I take pure, beautiful things, and I destroy them. I destroy them and find a way to make it about me, about how I feel. I’m a black hole. If I let Pinkamena have the corpse, and went away somewhere, maybe some mental hell where I can finally get what I deserve, than she lives, and my family doesn’t have to lose a member. Because like the waste of flesh I am, I have people who love and care about me. They shouldn’t, if they just looked at their lives, they’d understand I’m a leech, and they need to throw me aside like the refuse I am. I have people that love me, and I do the same thing to them I do to Pinkamena, I neglect them, I treat them like garbage, and then I come back to them when I need someone to make me feel like I’m worth something. I know I’ll never do it though. Because I’m a coward. Because I don’t deserve to be free from my guilt for a moment. Because I’m afraid. So I’ll just keep rotting everything I touch, keep neglecting the only good thing that’s ever come of one of my actions, keep attention whoring on this site, and rescind this later, like I do every real thing I say. I don’t think I deserve a tulpa, and I wish I’d never made her, because I know now all I’ve done, and all I’ll ever do, is harm her. I love her, or at least I want to, I’m privileged to know her, but she is the opposite for having been made by me. I want to do better, but I don’t think I ever will. Because every time I get better about seeing her, I just get consumed in my constant downward spiral, and she has to wait again for me to get over myself for five fucking minutes and talk to her. I don’t know why I’m posting this, but I guess since I’ve used this as more or less a public journal before, why fucking not. The only thing that ever helps curb my behavior is being shamed anyway, and I like to think the two fucking people who will look at this pathetic simpering will be rightfully disgusted with me.
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#35
And that's what a depression spiral looks like. Man, you gotta pull out of it, let her help you or get some counseling, because those self-destructive thoughts are just going to torture you.
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#36
Ember: I listened to my wife for years tell me that I was wasting my time by being with her. Your words are uncannily familiar. I told her it was my decision to stay with her, my time to spend how I saw fit. She told me she could never be better, that she would always be depressed, anxious, suicidal, and useless, that she would shackled forever with the guilt of mistake she had ever made and every pain she had ever caused anyone.

She was wrong. It was the most difficult, protracted, and discouraging task I ever undertook, but I put her on the path to recovery, saving her very life multiple times. She has conquered her depression, anxiety, and self-loathing. She's living victoriously.

I'm glad to hear you have people that love you, on the inside and on the outside. My wife had to go a long time without that before I met her, but now she's surrounded by people who love her.

Vesper: A close relationship with a therapist would be of much greater use to you than anything people on the internet can say, but allow me a moment to speak on Pinkamena's behalf. When Pinkamena tells you how she feels, believe her. If you love her at all, respect her enough to believe what she tells you. Do you think she could maintain a lie long-term across a telepathic connection? I couldn't maintain one for an instant.
Ember - Host   |   Vesper - Soulbond (since ~12 May 2017)   |   Iris - Soulbond (since ~5 December 2015)
[Our Progress Report]     [How We Switch]

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit
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#37
I guess I’m just gonna update this because my last post was as dramatic as it was uninformative and irrelevant to the how my tulpa is doing. Pinkamena has been doing alright I guess, certainly been doing a hell of a lot better than me. Haven’t had much of a parroting problem in a very long time, though sometimes when I’m in extreme moods she acts very different and most certainly not fully of her volition. I don’t really active force much anymore, unless I need to have a conversation with her where I need to be completely focused on her without any distractions. Mostly she just follows me around IRL when I see her. She’s made a lot of progress in her vocality, she used to never speak up unless I was actively trying to reach her. I’ve never been quite sure if it was that she couldn’t or just that she didn’t want to for whatever reason, but she never said either way, so I’ve not asked. She’s gotten to a point where she feels comfortable speaking up whenever, though she doesn’t often. I am trying to spend more time with her, but I’ve been a busier person these days, had more things to do and less time to screw around, which means less time to spend with her. She seems happier than she was, not sure if it’s because I’m making more of an effort more consistently or she’s just given up. Pinkamena has been definitely gaining a lot of autonomy in the last couple of months, changing things in the wonderland and making a servitor, though I haven’t seen him around in a while. Over all, she’s doing well enough, I think frankly the fact I’ve been doing poorly for the last 6 or 7 months has been good for her because she’s developed a lot of skills that give her more autonomy around here that she simply wasn’t developing before. I guess when your host is an unreliable, irrational fool 90 percent of the time, you have to start figuring things out for yourself.
I also figure I ought to address the last post, since it was certainly out of line. I’ve been having a lot of emotional and drug problems for couple of months now. Around when I wrote that I was using a prescription drug heavily and acted out on several things that were weighing on me, and my tulpa was one of them. It was a highly inappropriate and narcissistic display, and I apologize. It wasn’t right of me to use a space devoted to discussing tulpas to rant and rave. I’ve thought about some of the things people said, and I agree I frankly probably need some counseling, but as of now it’s simply not an option though I’ve considered it. My family has a history of mental illness, and specifically it’s been a spector throughout my mother’s life, having destroyed the lives of her mother, her sister, and her niece, along with my father. I doubt it’s surprising after my last post that I’m a selfish person, and I’ve caused a lot of unhappiness in my mother’s life, and I refuse to burden her with another lunatic. I do think I have some kind of imbalance or something, I didn’t think that before all this, but one of the things that’s shadowed me throughout tulpamancy is that I myself am not as stable as I liked to think. I’m trying to be better to Pinkamena, because she really is one of the things that’s keeping the crudely stapled together mess I call a psyche together. I’ll do my best to refrain from any more of my attention seeking bullshit, I’m considering changing the password or something and hiding it in somewhere I wouldn’t think of typically since I rarely use the site, and it would stop me from logging on when I’m under the influence or having one of my little episodes. I’m thinking I might give Pinkamena an account if she wants on this, though I’ve also considered seeing if she wanted to sign up for other sites, so that she can chat with people besides me. I figure she and I will talk about it seriously when I’m spending enough time with her normally that I can think of adding on sitting down with her and helping her manage an account(She and I don’t do possession or switching, so I can’t just hand the corpse over to her and let her do her thing.)
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#38
It's nice to hear from you. Bah the PR is as a good place to rant as any. I'm glad you're doing better anyway, even recognizing these things is better.
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#39
You are not alone, who think that his tulpa is deserve better, man)

I'm not guru in this, but I think, that every tulpa want to see his/her host happy. She didn't need another, because She had you. And She will help you if it will be possible and if you will let her.

Try to be better, try to find strength to go, it will be the most wonderful gift for her.

P.S. Sorry, can you divide the post on paragraphs? It will be more readable, than when it is in a heap
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