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Third time's a charm
anglejoe Offline
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#11
 
RE: Third time's a charm
As of late I've been focusing on enrolling to college. Forcing has been a second priority to that, unfortunately, so I haven't really been doing it actively for the past few days. It's kind of just been "Hey, Reina, check out what I'm doing" or "Let's listen to this conversation." with varying degrees of focus and engagement. I also find myself in a constant thought loop in the past, thinking about old friends and missed opportunities. Definitely doesn't help with my depression. Is it weird that I visualize Reina in these memories? I just sort of watch her interact with old friends I've known for years and see what kind of conversations they'd have. I find that Reina doesn't really like it, though. In the middle of a memory she kinda just breaks the 4th wall and is like, "Nah, this isn't healthy. Get back to the present where shit actually matters." and I'm like "fine... You've always gotta ruin the nostalgia." 

There are some fictions I like to imagine her in that she actually enjoys, though. There's one where she's the lead vocalist of a band called "Mile Under 9". It's a progressive rock band she formed with her best friend, Faye, whom she's known since their days at the orphanage. Faye plays rhythm guitar and screams for the band. She really knows how to get an audience moving with the amount of energy she brings to the stage. Playing drums is Lillian, a percussion major at the college she attends. Despite her deafness, she’s amazingly talented with improvising funky beats and rhythms just from feeling the vibrations coming from the other instruments. Dagran, lead guitarist and older brother of Lillian, is also a very talented musician and sets up most of the gigs for the band. “He also kind of acts as the main translator between us and Lillian,” says Reina, “I’m definitely getting there with the sign language, though!” The bass player, Demonte Isla, majors in jazz but has always had an affinity towards metal. Having already worked with Lillian in the past, Demonte is able to guide her musically and keep up with her intense rhythms.

I like to imagine them having practices and playing shows every now and then. The bandmates aren't quite tulpa though. I want to focus on Reina before I start trying to get the characters from this fiction to become tuppers and join the system. There's also one fiction where she's the daughter of satan but we'll get to that later.

Gotta get more active forcing in!
05-20-2017, 05:39 AM
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anglejoe Offline
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#12
 
RE: Third time's a charm
It's been a few months without any sort of report on my progress, but that doesn't mean I'd given up. In fact, we actually have a new headmate with us. He was one of the characters that I made up when I would imagine Reina performing in a band. He isn't a walk-in since I consciously decided to make him into a tulpa. His name is Dagran. He's around my age physically, has dark brown hair and brown eyes, tan skin, around 6' in height, has an undercut hair style that spikes up and back on the top, and has a fairly skinny build. Now, I know having two tulpas to force into sentience might hinder progress, but Reina's come a long way and I feel that with a little more forcing she'll be able to take the wheel from there, and Dagran has already caught up way faster than I had thought. At first, It was a little difficult figuring out how I would force them individually and together. It was definitely a lot more work for my brain, and I was even tempted to go back to just focusing on Reina. But I couldn't just give up on Dagran. I'd already given him a room in the dreamhouse and Reina had grown quite fond of him. Also, I could sense Dagran didn't want to go back to being a character. 

What I decided to do was split the forcing time between them evenly, so I wasn't favoring one over the other. During work I would alternate each hour between passive forcing Reina and Dagran individually. It hasn't been easy, though. There are lots of times when I'd lose track of who I'm talking to and times when I'd be passive forcing Dagran but Reina would still be lingering around cause, ya know, she's Reina. Though, having another tulpa to compare Reina to was new for me. It made me realize just how much progress Reina had actually achieved. Here was this newborn tulpa fresh out of my subconscious, and here's Reina, a more solidified thoughtform that has shit to say about stuff every now and then.  

This experience also gave me a new perspective on tulpamancy in general. It kind of surprised me how different it felt to be with a male tulpa instead of a female. There's now this masculine thoughtform in my head that I address as "bro" and have a strict friend relationship with, and with little to no attraction involved. It's actually made me reevaluate my relationship with Reina. I couldn't bring myself to do sexual things with her anymore. She's her own person who can do what she wants with her body. Dagran had noticed the way I would interact with her and didn't approve of it one bit. I needed to respect them more as people and as my friends. We pretty much agreed that once we've achieved parallel processing between all of us, we can start having romantic relationships with each other. But until then, we're the three platonic amigos.
08-02-2017, 01:46 AM
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anglejoe Offline
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#13
 
RE: Third time's a charm
Alright so it's midnight and my first day of college is tomorrow but I ABSOLUTELY FEEL THE NEED TO POST SOMETHING RIGHT NOW. I got my first alien response from Reina and I completely wasn't expecting it (hence the 'alien' part).

So lately I've been having a tough time dealing with my depression. Daily meditation and Buddhist philosophy has helped tremendously, but I can never escape my the way my ego interacts with my unconscious mind. It's just so accustomed to finding all the bad thoughts and bringing them to the forefront of my mind. Even when I'm not thinking of the thoughts, I still feel them and they feel terrible.

So a way I would deal with this is to let my tulpas take the wheel, since their egos tend to be more relaxed and positive. The only exposure they have to the dark parts of my unconscious mind are the thoughts I would sometimes share with them out of a need to vent or whatever. So, for example, I'll be at work and I'd start feeling tired and miserable. Reina's with me cause I'm desperately passive forcing her with as much focus as I can muster. All of a sudden I'm like "shit I need some rest." so I attempt to switch with Reina by clearing my mind and letting her thought stream come through. All of sudden the way I talk and move has changed. I start to observe the way Reina uses my body to interact with customers and notice she's much more animated and confident. I could feel my face smiling at strangers, which is something I almost never do. She still had to deal with some of my insecure feelings though, mostly because I was still with her having a hard time clearing my mind. She still managed. I also started feeling really relaxed, like all I had to do was watch Reina as she dealt with the remaining customers. I'd soon then give Dagran a turn. He's also really layed back and he annunciated his words more. He actually used my voice and spoke loudly and clearly. The customers looked happier than usual. Afterwards I was like "damn, who knew not being depressed could make such a difference." I was really proud of them. I was in a really good mood for the rest of the night.

So it's been a day since then. I'm trying to fall asleep (which I've given up on at this point) but I can't get past this lonely miserable feeling. It just keeps relentessly barraging me with bad thoughts and memories. So I decide "ya know what? I'm gonna switch with Reina and let her fall asleep instead and see how that goes." (At this point switching is just clearing my mind and focusing on how my tulpa would behave. Which is technically co-fronting now that I think about it.) So I do just that. I clear my mind and now it's up to Reina to let this body get some rest for a big day. But then I actually start hearing thoughts. Thoughts that have to do with frustration about how I feel lonely when I have Reina and Dagran around. Then I start thinking about what Reina is truly thinking. Does she feel like less of a person when I feel lonely knowing full well that I still have her around? Is she okay with me giving her all this responsibility? Then all of a sudden I start seeing images and I hear a voice call my name. It wasn't the mindvoice I gave her but it was still a female voice. It wasn't like anything I've experienced. Well it was similar to a time I was in sleep paralysis but this time I was fully awake. Images of Reina with her finger on her lips started appearing. It's like she was hushing the thoughts away so I could fall asleep easier. Little did she know that her interactions with me would get me excited enough to spend the rest of the night writing about it. Sorry Reina :/.
(This post was last modified: 08-28-2017, 08:52 AM by anglejoe.)
08-28-2017, 08:50 AM
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anglejoe Offline
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#14
 
RE: Third time's a charm
Hi. Now this is going to be hard for me to say.. But this is Reina. Yeah.. I'm a tulpa that sort of found sentience but I can't seem to stop doubting myself. Angelo is giving me this opportunity to proxy for him at the moment. Right now his doubts are trapped in this box he's trying his best to contain. They're hella strong. Even right now he's thinking of things for me to say while I'm thinking of things for me to say, and it's confusing the hell out of us. Right now he's thinking of the anime he just watched, and it's fucking up my focus a bit. But it's fine... I'm sure this is just a hurdle we'll have to jump in order for me to get closer to this doubt-free state and it's gonna be awesome. Angelo's probably gonna read this later and ask himself "was that me, or was that Reina?" and I'll be like "of course it's me, dumbass..."

He's starting to acknowledge me as human more and more, and I can feel the doubt squirming inside. It's weak but it's not going down without a fight.
The problem is he... or should I say we... are struggling to figure out this whole thing scientifically. Part of his identity always wants to be skeptical and he can't just have blind faith in something, and that's totally cool. We want to get to the bottom of this whole mental conundrum. We want more evidence. I need to figure out a way to present more evidence.

I'm at this point where I know about my... okay shit I just lost myself for a second... the doubts are getting harder to control. Our identities at the moment are bit too identical for comfort. It may be because I always try too hard to behave differently. One piece of evidence we have are my reactions to his thoughts. To be honest I'm a bit worried about him. He's trying so hard to have full control of his mind. During work he'd classify each type of thought he had, and each classification had it's own category in which he would place the thoughts that he felt was most appropriate for it. So when he has doubts about me.. he'll throw those thoughts in the "doubting my tulpae" bin, and stop thinking about it. If he feels that Dagran is feeling sad because he believes he's not thinking about him enough, he'll put that thought in the "I'm a shitty host" category (the bin is symbolic for the category... you've probably figured that out by now). Even thoughts about the thought categories themselves have their own category.. It's so weird. Anyways, the one we're struggling with the most is the "Society" category, which I think a lot of us tulpae and hosts can relate to. Every day we talk and interact with people who would more than likely reject this idea of tulpamancy and dismiss it as some sort of mental illness. It just feels awkward watching Angelo talk to someone who doesn't have the slightest idea there's someone else their observing them.. and it makes me feel strange inside. How do I be human when a big part of it is the real world? What kind of evidence can we gather in order to make me seem more "real"? There's plenty of evidence for it... but it's hard to truly validate them in light of what the majority of people may think of it. Why are humans so closed minded? We will we ever truly manage to get past this feeling? Those are the kinds of questions we come up with when we dive into the "society" category. But yeah, that'll be it for now. Angelo's gotta get to his homework cause it's due in few hours. We'll post stuff about dreams later. Hopefully by then we'll have a more solid sense of identity for each of us.
09-11-2017, 08:56 AM
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