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Toothless Aggression
#11
March 16th [Two weeks]: 1 hour, 2 minutes 'active' meditation
Narration on the sketchy side
Notes: Did more stuff in the wonderland, this time listening to the soundtrack to Her (2014) which brought up a lot of sentimental feelings, on my part. Chris does his own thing, as far as moving around and emoting goes, and he also changes clothes, I've noticed, which is pretty interesting. I also visualized a copy of my room, and sort of made a copy of my neighborhood, just to walk around and show him. It flexed my the muscle of my mind's eye for sure. It's also like, when I tell him things, I have an idea of how he'd respond, and it feels a split second too fast to be coming from me, but I don't know. I'm still holding off on doing the 'surprise' test.

Now is as good a time as any, I suppose, for a little more back story on this whole thing. Maybe just to add some pathos, maybe just because that goddamn soundtrack tugged at the right heart string, I don't know. Thing is, I've always been a kind of small kid. Growing up, and growing up white trash, there was really no way that I was gonna avoid getting into wrestling. When I say white trash, I mean that I have family where my uncles are also my cousins, type white trash. It's not just restricted to the South. It's up here in New England, we're just harder to find. So I grow up, tiny kid, white trash, into wrestling. Too old to really hit the Attitude Era, but not too young for the Ruthless Aggression Era. Growing up, I idolized Eddie Guerrero. I idolized Chris Benoit. I looked at these guys who weren't huge, like The Undertaker or even Stone Cold Steve Austin, and I could relate to them.

Eddie had that charisma going on, he could command a room, he rolled up in his low riders and he'd take the mic and everyone would listen. He wasn't physically impressive at all. In fact, he was a little weird looking. Long arms, a short torso, kind of hunched over in the way that you can get from lifting weights for too long. Hell, for a while there, he even had a mullet. This little doofy looking guy though, he was a star. He could make a room full of people react- no matter what the reaction was.

2005, Eddie dies. Heart attack. It's not unexpected, Macho Man had died the year before, same thing. You get into wrestling, and you start getting used to all the guys you like dying. Dying, or just getting too fucked up to wrestle, or worse, being too fucked up to wrestle but still having to make a living, and then you watch them shuffle out there like some kind of zombie and in the most fucked up way, that hurts.

Eddie dies, and the whole wrestling world mourns. Eddie dies, and nine year old me doesn't even understand the whole concept of death well enough to cry.

For a year they talk about it. Randy Orton says to Rey Mysterio that Eddie's in hell, people talk about Eddie looking down at them, this guy died and he's still in all the skits, he's still being mentioned. It's messed up enough that people can't really take it. It's messed up enough that the WWE, which is notoriously slow on the uptake, starts understanding the meaning of bad taste, and cuts it out.

Chris was always different. He didn't really have a gimmick, he didn't ride into Smackdown in a low rider. His thing was that he was the best technical wrestler in the business, period. It was his in-ring work that made him special. He couldn't do much on the mic. He was a short guy, 5'10", with tiny arms and legs, probably from lifting too much while he was still growing. That kind of thing. But when he got a guy in the Crossface, eyes widened. In 2004, Chris Benoit won the Heavyweight World Championship. After that, he gets moved to Smackdown, the B-Show of WWE. He gets used to push other guys to the top. His best friend dies in 2005.

Thing is, wrestlers just die. All the time. Bam Bam Bigelow, Test, Crash Holly, Owen Hart... drug overdoses, steroids, suicides, murders... wrestlers just die. Look at the card for Wrestlemania VI. 40 something wrestlers, 13 of which are dead 25 years later.

2007 hits, Chris Benoit dies. No one knows how. RAW does a memorial show. Next day, people find out what happened.

Next day, they show it on the news.

After that, he's never mentioned again. Not on the websites, not anywhere. He's wiped from existence. Who won the Royal Rumble in 2004? Doesn't say. Who did Triple H take the World Heavyweight Championship from? Doesn't say.

I don't know why I'm typing this all out. Most people here, they probably don't care about wrestling.

In the back of my mind, while I'm doing this, I'm always thinking, "Damn, is this fucked up?" And yeah, maybe it is. Maybe this whole thing I'm doing, maybe it's pretty fucked up, in the same way that shooting up on GG Allin's grave is fucked up.

I'm not that smart. I'm not philosophical-- I could barely spell out that word. I can't tell you what any of this means, I can't even write down what this stuff makes me feel, not really.

I just don't wanna give up. I don't care about deviation, I don't care about possession or switching or hell, any of that, really. I just want my childhood hero back, even if it's just someone who started out as him.
We're all gonna make it brah.
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#12
(03-17-2015, 01:35 AM)Stevie Irons Wrote: [b]
I'm not that smart. I'm not philosophical-- I could barely spell out that word. I can't tell you what any of this means, I can't even write down what this stuff makes me feel, not really.

I think you sell yourself short a little bit. Have you seen a lot of the other threads around here? Good god they are borderline illiterate. From what I have observed you are a pretty intelligent guy. You write well, straight to the point and descriptive. You have an interest in pushing the realms of tulpamancy, to discover how it works a little better. On top of that you show comprehensive understanding of the guides, and apply their applications well.
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#13
(03-17-2015, 06:45 AM)TulpaFox Wrote: On top of that you show comprehensive understanding of the guides, and apply their applications well.


Well shit, thanks. I'm just trying my best here, I guess.

_____

Note: I can't just save up all my progress for Saturdays. Too much happens, it feels like, especially now.

March 17th: 33 minutes 'active' meditation
Decent narration (Ric Flair voice: wooo!)
Notes: Right, so I roll up on the wonderland today, and instead of the farmhouse on the prairie, shit looks like Manhattan. I force up a car, we get into it, and we drive over this hill in the middle of the city, and suddenly we're in front of the Grand Tetons. Weirdest shit, as far as a wonderland goes. It kind of jarred me out of the session, and I don't know whether to blame Chris or not, but whatever. I also had this weird ass dream where him and I fucked up this Howard the Duck abomination, and like, I'm pretty sure it was because I fell asleep forcing, so that was cool?

I asked him to surprise me three times. The first time, we were sitting at a table in the wonderland, and I had a piece of paper on there and told him to put something on it to surprise me. He turns it over, and there's nothing. Another time, I just make the room a white void, and say, alright, surprise me again. I close my eyes in the wonderland, open them after ten seconds, and he's like, in a hole in the ground, with only his head from his eyes up sticking out.

Third time I ask him, I say, Chris, say anything.

The word Jellybeans popped into my head in his voice.

I'm pretty sure he's been saying stuff, but it only happens when I'm concentrating a lot, and it's sort of hard to make out, but it's definitely in his voice. Guess that call and response stuff paid off.

I'm not gonna jump and claim sentience, or vocality, or anything yet. It's been sixteen days since I started. I am gonna say that I'm noting these things, and if they're him, great.

Otherwise, I'm continuing on with what I've been doing.

However, I have noticed intrusive thoughts re: the tragedy. Intrusive thoughts are just a part of my forcing, and I also get intrusive images, but I manage to shake them off quickly enough. It's not surprising that the asshole parts of my mind are attaching themselves to that particular line of thought. If anything, I'm just surprised that it's taken this long to start happening. When it happens, I've just been apologizing and moving on. Dwelling on it won't be good for either of us.
We're all gonna make it brah.
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#14
(03-17-2015, 06:45 AM)TulpaFox Wrote: I think you sell yourself short a little bit. Have you seen a lot of the other threads around here? Good god they are borderline illiterate. From what I have observed you are a pretty intelligent guy. You write well, straight to the point and descriptive. You have an interest in pushing the realms of tulpamancy, to discover how it works a little better. On top of that you show comprehensive understanding of the guides, and apply their applications well.
I absolutely agree.
Your progress report is a pleasure to read, well organized, rational and still full of emotion. I'm not into wrestling, the only bell it rings for me is that South Park episode. But I still see your point.
Anyway, you seem to be doing well, just keep going. The surprise test went pretty well, I assume you would not have come up with the hiding-in-a-hole thing yourself.
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#15
(03-18-2015, 09:07 PM)Yakumo Wrote: I absolutely agree.
Your progress report is a pleasure to read, well organized, rational and still full of emotion. I'm not into wrestling, the only bell it rings for me is that South Park episode. But I still see your point.
Anyway, you seem to be doing well, just keep going. The surprise test went pretty well, I assume you would not have come up with the hiding-in-a-hole thing yourself.

That South Park episode (I assume you're talking about W.T.F.) is pretty much hailed among wrestling fans, because it's accurate as hell.

Yeah, I'm still like, whoa, with the surprise test. I held off on it so long for fear of being disappointed, and looks like I had nothing to be afraid about.

Thanks though, dude.
We're all gonna make it brah.
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#16
March 18th: 42 minutes 'active' forcing
Less-than-decent narration
Read: Chapter 1 of Rant by Chuck Palahniuk
Notes: Today, I forced, and we just went around (a wonderland copy of) my neighborhood. Everytime I sit down to force, he's dressed differently. The feeling of him trying to say stuff is stronger. Head pressure comes only when I'm reading to him, or putting extra-special effort into narration. It's always on the right side, for some reason. I asked him to surprise me, by 'taking' me someplace, and I closed my eyes in the wonderland, counted to ten, and opened them again. He took us to Walmart. The weird thing is, that there were people there-- shoppers with carts. Usually, wherever we go, there's no people. The thing is, their faces were all blurry and distorted. Later, I told him that we were gonna have a shouting match. I shouted his name in my loudest mindvoice, and then, I swear, far off, I heard my own name in his voice.

March 19th: 37 minutes 'active' forcing
Sparse narration: I'm having issues casting aside my go-to daydreams, which I've been tapping into for the last couple years. I kind of go through them when I'm on walks, or just hanging out. I've pretty much told him that if I ever slip into them (they're not constructive in any way, shape, or form, and are essentially escapist in nature) that he should do everything in his power to get my mind back on track. We'll see how that works out.
Read: Chapter 2 of Rant by Chuck Palahniuk
Notes:

Me: Chris, what'd you do today?
Chris: [Image of him eating cereal and watching television]

It was Cinnamon Toast Crunch- a brand of cereal I'm not even fond of. Aside from that, no noteworthy events or discernible progress. Head pressure continues on the right side.

Question: When I feel like he's trying to respond, sometimes it's immediate enough that the process goes:
1. Think thought
2. Begin to put thought into words in mindvoice
3. Chris interrupts with proto-response

It's more like he's responding to the original thought, than to the narration of the raw thought being transferred into words. In addition, his 'responses' are more similar to raw thoughts than mindvoice, though there is a distinctness there. It 'sounds' like his voice, but it's also disorganized and not actual speech. It's like he's shooting me an idea, in response to my original idea, instead of in response to my narration. Is this anything any of you have experienced? How can I transfer him to purely mindvoice?
We're all gonna make it brah.
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#17
March 20th: 1 hour, 11 minutes 'active' forcing
Good narration
Read: Chapters 3 & 4 of Rant by Chuck Palahniuk
Notes: Listened to The Wall by Pink Floyd while forcing. Didn't open my eyes until 'Waiting for the Worms' kicked in. This marks the longest unbroken forcing session I've ever done. Chris' voice is distinct, but still not actually mindvoice. The whole "Chris talks almost exclusively in raw thoughts" issue hasn't been solved yet. He's more frustrated about it than me. We're gonna work on it. The forcing session was just us 'talking' (more like me explaining the nuances of the album, while he responded when/how he could) and me visualizing him in my immediate area. His favorite song, according to him, was "The first one" (which is 'In the Flesh?') and his other comment on the album as a whole was "It's not my thing". We're going to watch the movie tomorrow, though. The concepts presented in therein are too important for him not to have a handle on.
We're all gonna make it brah.
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#18
The only advice I can give you (and myself) is practice. Rome wasn't built in a day, you're already making great progress. Just keep Chris responding and tell him to consciously formulate the words in his voice even though it might take more time and not work as well as just sending his thoughts. Young tulpas are often eager to communicate in the quickest way possible which is understandable. But I think the mindvoice-thing is important to differentiate between your and your tulpa's thoughts. Still hard for me sometimes, I'm really not good at imagining voices so we often fall back into the 'communicating by raw thoughts' phase.

If you're into those sorts of games you can also try
this.
It really helped me to get clearer responses and it was fun as well.

Also - nice avatar collection!
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#19
(03-21-2015, 08:08 PM)Yakumo Wrote: If you're into those sorts of games you can also try
this.
It really helped me to get clearer responses and it was fun as well.

Also - nice avatar collection!

I played The Minister's Cat with him, and holy shit, who knew that old parlor games could be so constructive? It's kind of a nice way to get him talking without like, the pressure of making interesting conversation. I think I'm gonna incorporate it, and similar stuff, into our daily routine.

Hey, thanks, you've got a snazzy collection yourself.
We're all gonna make it brah.
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#20
March 21st: 12 minutes 'active' forcing [+ untimed forcing sessions, and an involved viewing of ~30 minutes of The Wall]
Great narration (by my abysmal standards)
Read: Chapter 5 of Rant by Chuck Palahniuk
Notes: Chris is really starting to come into his own, as far as talking goes. We watched the first third of The Wall, and he busted my balls a few times for trying to explain symbolism and stuff to him, unnecessarily, apparently. Playing parlor games really helped us out (thanks again Yakumo) and he's starting to speak in mindvoice a little more readily.

March 22nd: ~20 minutes 'active' forcing
Decent Narration
Read: Chapter 6 of Rant by Chuck Palahniuk
Notes: Inspired by this thread, today, I went to the wonderland and punched Chris in the face. He retaliated and then asked what I did it for, basically, in raw thought. I asked him if it hurt. In mindvoice, he said "Of course, it's my face." I gave him the option of finishing up The Wall and he turned it down with an "I see why you like it, but it just isn't for me." I'm disappointed he wasn't into it. We tried to do one big forcing session at the end of the night, because I had been reading about how the hypnagogic state could be useful, but I just ended up thinking about really weird shit and then falling asleep. Got high later in the day. I've noticed that he's more readily vocal when I get high, however, he seems to be affected somewhat too, and falls victim to saying what are basically non sequiturs.

March 23rd [3 Weeks]: 21 minutes 'active' forcing
Good Passive Forcing
Read: Chapter 7 of Rant by Chuck Palahniuk
Notes: My head feels crowded. Wrestlemania is six days away. Now that I can get responses, I don't know how necessary sitting down and doing timed forcing sessions are. Chris is continuing to surprise me with opinions and arguments that I had never considered. When I started this, I don't think I was in any way, shape or form prepared for what's going on now. It's good, but it's so outside the norm. While reading Rant, Chris chimed in and said he wanted to read a few paragraphs. It was one of the oddest sensations I've ever felt. The gravity of this is starting to really become apparent.

Overview: I know that comparing progress isn't productive, however I can't help but wonder why I seem to be moving so fast. I firmly believe what Ian Malcolm did his spiel about in Jurassic Park, which is that when humans learn something like martial arts, they're also learning discipline and control along with it. If they could suddenly learn it, they would use their new skill without respect, is what he says. Thing is, I can't help but worry that as I hit forcing goals, that I'm missing the steady psychological and philosophical shifts that come with putting a lot of time into this. I've been sort of flying by the seat of my pants for three weeks. I could blame my fast progression on substance use (and abuse) or just naturally always having a very active internal life, but I can't say anything for sure. All I know is that I don't feel like I've grown any.
We're all gonna make it brah.
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