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Trying to understand stuff
Implosium Offline
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#1
 
Trying to understand stuff

Hi everyone! New member here :P (even though I've been checking out this site in incognito for over a year and a half -_-" note that I'm in incognito right now, though  Angry  )

     What I am about to say might trigger your reaction as a tulpa lover / hater. I do not mean any harm, nor do I mean to be disrespectful / contradict your thoughts in any way! This is just me trying to be objective, so anything that I've written that you think is against any perspective on tulpas is your own subjective view on what I've written.

     Also, fyi, I have been diagnosed as a having really light aspies.

     I was trying to get myself around to working on my 30-page essay (something that's called a TPE in France) while not once clicking on that open tab that linked to it for well passed a day (I'll get to that later) when I suddenly went into incognito mode to search "something is stopping me from working". Now, that's absolutely normal, you'd tell me. Right, yes it is :3 But then I searched "how to develop a double personallity" (don't ask me why, I almost never know what I'm doing most of the time, or at least cannot transform the reason for it into comprehensible speech (just look at this post, it looks like complete gibberish, and that's me actually managing to try and explain what I'm talking about)). Scrolling through the pages given by google, a word suddenly pops into my brain, "tulpa". Now, you have to understand that this word was inserted into my brain thanks to my wonderful ex, who was the first and only person to initialize and talk to me about tulpamancy. 

*Flashback paragraph*
     Before that event, I had already been searching on tons of site "how to control your dream"  and "how to have a lucid dream", as well as fantasizing about being able to create and control everything I wanted. This originates from (have no idea where it comes from) the fact that I wish to be more powerful, not in a physical way, but in intellect, as well as having the ability to use magic (you guessed it, that 100% comes from games and books, in which I have always been a firm believer of). Indeed, although I have always been at the top of my class in maths, physics and engineering class (and by always, I mean ALWAYS (except for when my best friend and my most admired girl come onto the scene, then I'm only 3rd at most things)) (mind you, I suck at biology, having a 3/20 in the exam on reproduction back when I was an 8th grade student), deep down, I have always had this contradicting but firm thought that always makes me believe that I can be as omnipotent as a god. Furthermore, I didn't, and still do not, believe that I am going to die one die, at least, part of me believes that I won't, and cannot. (I've got many theories I hypothesize on that explain how that could be accomplished). At least, I believe that I will find a way to keep living before I die. (plus, I keep believing that I will have the appearance of someone that's between 10 and 26 and that doesn't have a damaged / disfigured / ugly body and face, while my gender wouldn't matter (I'll get to that later).)  

     Now, where was I?  Huh Oh, right, my ex (who was my gf at the time) taught me about tulpamancy. At the time, the "I believe in possible stuff" part of me was skeptical about it, while the "I want to become better" part of me had already thought of it as the gate to becoming extremely smart and figuring stuff out / creating new stuff / play more video games / be admired and loved by people / solving my "what is going on (or something like that)" self-invented self-found disorder. I mean, if my tulpa can access my subconscious, doesn't that mean that it can give the answers for my french, English, German and Portuguese language exams, as well as help me solve math exams twice as fast, and with half the errors? I could also have two perspectives on what people mean from what they say, stopping me from always f***ing up every nearly every conversation I have with a girl, or a friend, or just about anyone (even people two times younger than me), and end my reputation as a weirdo, a hentai-lover, an idiot who doesn't understand hidden meanings most of time, an extremely proud, selfish, insensible, indifferent, egocentric, avaricious, egotistical and smartass bastard student, a free and easy all-around scapegoat, a comfortable punching bag and someone you can easily break bonds with without him reacting in any way whatsoever. Back to learning about tulpas...

     My "I want to become better" part of me taking the lead, I thought it was a great idea, and spent a restless (not without consequences) night searching all around the web about tulpas, starting forums before closing them when they got too long, watched some 'CreepyPasta' vids (didn't believe an ounce of what they said, but, as usual after watching anything slightly scary, passing the rest of the night thinking I could see shady scary shadows moving in the dark, or feel pressure augmenting behind me, as though there were someone present behind my back, being EXTREMELY scared of looking at any mirror, and, when I do, being scared of seeing things, and literally KNOWING that something that shouldn't appear is gonna appear somewhere on the other side of the mirror the next moment, and after that, the moment after that, until I can't take it anymore and rush back to my pc, my mind telling me that if I had waited a second longer, I could have seen something that I haven't, but that I wanted to see (happens every single time I want to see something)) (my mind is way to imaginative, and I believe everything I imagine, meaning I could be scared by anything I create on the spot). So yeah, damn those 'CreepyPasta' vids, had to stare idly at my screen while not doing anything for 2 hours before moving on on the tulpa subject.  Sad (also shortened the time I had left to watch some hentai mangas)

     I continued on trying to understand how to make a tulpa, determined I could do it. That determination lasted for the time I was reading the guide on how to do it. Well.... it lasted at least for the time I was reading the first 5 paragraphs of that guide. It was then immediately replaced with the ever-so-common "I won't be able to do this" / "I'm not good enough to do this" / "I don't have the requirements to do this" attitude. By then, I was just idly scrolling through the guide, although most of the information still managed to stick itself in my brain. Since I was still in that extremely pessimistic attitude and thus thought I wouldn't be able to do it alone, I started watching Tulpa-Creating Hypnotic vids on youtube, even after reading a thread that expressively said not to, saying it could mostly only bring harm to yourself and your tulpa. (yes, I am dumb, and yes, I am lazy) Thus, I bid goodbye to my laptop for another day of school.

     I kept on (kinda) actively searching on the subject of tulpas for the next week or so, determined to make one for myself. However, as always when I tried to create something where I wasn't personally guided, step by f***ing step through the methods of doing what I want to do, by someone who has experienced / knows how to do first-hand what he's making me do, I failed, and miserably, at that. I couldn't get any response, even after a month, or months of trying (notice that by then I wasn't really trying as hard). And thus it didn't help me at all.. instead, I started to internally depress about everything, and within weeks, I had lost that gf because I never went and saw here, and was acting like a stranger every time I eventually spoke to her, never kissing here, not even once, even though we had done way more confidential things just a few weeks earlier. It's not that she didn't want to do anything, no, she wanted to do everything, but, I just... I don't know, that's what happened! I don't know, I have no f***ing clue what happened to me at the time, and what's been happening to me ever since, and I am NOT blaming anything related to tulpas for it (except I'm maybe blaming CreepyPasta a bit --" srsly, just who makes those vids?). As I was saying, I cannot put into words what happened during that time, without everyone misunderstanding what I mean. So let's just skip forward. 

    As you may remember, I've mentioned that always been at the top of my class for maths and physics. well, that actually ... hasn't always been true, like, at all! Indeed, I strangely started becoming top of my class a month or so after I learned about tulpas and (tried) practicing tulpamancing. At first, I didn't think much of it, but being someone who loves to try and resolve / deduce things, I finally ended up suspecting that there was a link between the two. Happy at the thought that a tulpa might thus exist inside of me, hidden, I tried contacting it, but to no avail (still the case). However, it's also at this same moment that I started to have what I believe to be (not sure) something similar or close to depression. I started to think of myself as worthless, that no-one wanted me except my family loved or even liked me(specially my parents, that I thus slowly started ignoring and getting easily and way faster angry against), that I was of no worth. These thoughts would (and still) come in during night-time, like now for example, while during day-time, I think of myself as super-smart and attention-worthy, and believe that most people like me, and that people that don't are just total doushbags and idiots. 

I'll have to continue my text another day cuz' otherwise I might not be able to start and finish the collection of personal poems inspired from a poet I have to make for tuesday (it's 4:50 AM here, should go now). Don't mind posting any of your thoughts in the meantime, would love some feedback, don't get enough from other places, and get too much from places I don't want feedback from :3
(This post was last modified: 02-24-2018, 01:49 AM by Implosium.)
02-24-2018, 01:11 AM
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Spice Offline
bodybodysystem
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#2
 
RE: Trying to understand stuff

sorry to be blunt but what exactly is your question?
02-24-2018, 04:30 AM
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vtk Offline
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#3
 
RE: Trying to understand stuff

I think the question will come when they have time to ramble some more.

Interestingly, I can relate to at least half of the strange things they've said so far.

Maggie David (she or they, birthday June 4)
02-24-2018, 11:13 AM
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I'mBadAtNames Offline
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#4
 
RE: Trying to understand stuff

(02-24-2018, 11:13 AM)vtk Wrote: I think the question will come when they have time to ramble some more.

Interestingly, I can relate to at least half of the strange things they've said so far.

This is true for me as well. Very, very strange indeed.

Also, the question is not clearly shown in the OP, as others have noted.
02-24-2018, 01:11 PM
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Luminesce Offline
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#5
 
RE: Trying to understand stuff

(02-24-2018, 01:11 AM)Implosium Wrote: I'll have to continue my text another day cuz' otherwise I might not be able to start and finish the collection of personal poems inspired from a poet I have to make for tuesday (it's 4:50 AM here, should go now). Don't mind posting any of your thoughts in the meantime, would love some feedback, don't get enough from other places, and get too much from places I don't want feedback from :3

You should probably just make a progress report if that's the type of stuff you want to post. If it's all entirely personal accounts, that's really more a PR thing, Q&A is more for actual questions so that others can learn from them later, perhaps if they had the same question as the thread posed. Progress Reports are more for personal stuff, but you can still ask questions there.

Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.
Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.
My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us stuff.
02-24-2018, 04:04 PM
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Implosium Offline
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#6
 
RE: Trying to understand stuff

Hey there everyone! Big Grin Thx for the feedback, and (curious/happy?) to see that other people feel the same way I do, to some extent Smile

For those that are wondering why this post is in the Q&A post, it's because, as some of you have guessed, I haven't been able to write up till the question for now. "Then why don't you just ask your question?" well, that's because, if I just directly write the question, it'll 100% be misinterpreted, and even I have no idea on how to correctly write my question in one go, other than explaining in detail what's going on, and all of the different problems I want to approach. Hope you understand what I'm getting at! Wink
02-24-2018, 09:39 PM
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I'mBadAtNames Offline
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#7
 
RE: Trying to understand stuff

I suggest writing the question and letting us try to interpret and answer it first. If the answers were not what you wanted, you can try to correct our interpretation of your question later.

I wanted to try and pick apart potential questions from the original post, but since there are so many potential questions in there, it will take time - time I do not currently have. I'll come back to this though.
02-24-2018, 11:35 PM
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Implosium Offline
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#8
 
RE: Trying to understand stuff

(02-24-2018, 11:35 PM)I\mBadAtNames Wrote: I suggest writing the question and letting us try to interpret and answer it first. If the answers were not what you wanted, you can try to correct our interpretation of your question later.

I wanted to try and pick apart potential questions from the original post, but since there are so many potential questions in there, it will take time - time I do not currently have. I'll come back to this though.

I'd like to do so, but as I have said, I do not really know how to formulate my question (I almost never do actually Big Grin). And that is why I'm writing this long post. Sorry for the inconvenience  Wink

and for the note, the *question* I want to ask is, as you have probably understood, not a single question, but actually is an array of questions.
(This post was last modified: 02-24-2018, 11:51 PM by Implosium.)
02-24-2018, 11:50 PM
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Tirisilex Offline
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#9
 
RE: Trying to understand stuff

I'm a bit alarmed by the fact you are looking for power. Godlike power at that. Many people who sought for power never found happiness.

Don't believe the things I say just because I tell you.. Test these things and prove them to yourselves so that you know them to be true. ~The Buddha
02-25-2018, 02:48 AM
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Spice Offline
bodybodysystem
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#10
 
RE: Trying to understand stuff

perhaps you should have drafted this, since new threads get tweeted (i think)
anyway, looking forward to the update, i hope we can help you out
02-25-2018, 12:40 PM
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