Hello There, Guest! Register

Tulpa Community Census 2018

Turquoise Log
Turquoise Offline
Member
Registered

Posts: 22
Threads: 1
Joined: Mar 2013
#21
 
RE: Turquoise Log

Thanks, you two. I kinda already decided to force as much as possible but I guess I needed some confirmation c:

Also I think I get more pressures (which is my only proof of their sentience/them being awake so far) when not paying attention to them? Then I'm like, "Oh hey. I'm happy you're out there. Trying to communicate or something." And when actively forcing I barely feel anything at all. I prefer not to give it much thought at this point though.
12-10-2017, 05:13 PM
Find Reply

Sponsors:
Lolflash - click it, you know you want to

Turquoise Offline
Member
Registered

Posts: 22
Threads: 1
Joined: Mar 2013
#22
 
RE: Turquoise Log

Gonna try to collect my thoughts.

  1. Try to trust my guy more.
  2. If the question is "is it me or him" then it's probably him.
  3. I gotta believe (in myself as well)
I've already explored the idea of possibly using my "intrusive-thought-mindvoices" as a beneficial thing for us. However while ranting yesterday I heard the word "(I) agree" (in my first language). Used the correct verb gender even. I think there was another word and some nods. Nah, there definitely were some. See, mindset and everything. I'm thinking of trying to use the "slowly replace random thoughts with tupper responses" plan. I already kinda told him before to try using that '"audio channel" to talk but I'll try focusing more on it.

When to ignore the voices:
  • when the gender is wrong (assuming my tulpa hasn't deviated)
  • when the voices start a conversation with each other
  • when it's clearly a super negative thing
Maybe I'll manage to fool myself into vocality or something, idk. This is what I came up with atm.

Also we played osu! and I felt the tingles on most songs. I really haven't played in a while though soitcouldbejustmefeelingnostalgic.
Also#2 I'm still sick and coughing while forcing doesn't feel cool at all
12-12-2017, 05:00 PM
Find Reply
Turquoise Offline
Member
Registered

Posts: 22
Threads: 1
Joined: Mar 2013
#23
 
RE: Turquoise Log

Obligatory report. A lot of thoughts, not too many actual things that happened.



General:
Reported some ear ringing this week. Random pressures here and there as usual.

Language:
By narrating in English and receiving (possible) responses in my 1st language I end up dismissing those since I expect the response to be in English as well. Tried to switch to my 1st language when narrating this week, I still slip into English but I correct myself when I notice that.

Too Much Hypnagogia:
While forcing yesterday, didn't hear much intrusive thoughts actually. I used white noise during the first half of the session and random music during the second. I'm kinda against using my phone while forcing though because I have to break concentration/open my eyes to change tracks. Which is why I think it's possible that things went like, trance-like state breaks >> not much hypnagogia as a result. Not really sure though.

Still Sick:
So in American English you call toilets bathrooms. However in my apartment the room with the toilet in it and the room with the bathtub in it are separate rooms. That was just to clarify that I specifically spent my last forcing session in the room with the bathtub in it. It's kinda humid and warm enough so that my coughing didn't get out of control there. Still coughed a bunch when I went to sleep though.

Future Plans:
As much as I don't want to, I'm going to attempt meditation, dammit. And keep forcing and stuff. I'm running out of ideas.
Oh, and I tried a few times to narrate little fanfictions to my tulpa, based on the game their current form is from. It's kinda hard to make up things and concentrate on the whole forcing thing though. I've considered actually typing the fanfiction thing in a text editor but idk how effective that would be. The fact that it's pretty time-consuming is very certain however.

Assume Affection:
Since I don't know how my tulpa really feels about me I decided to assume that they're having a blast hanging out anyway. They can tell me how wrong I was and how my favorite let's players are total idiots when they're vocal.
I thought it would be hard (what with my self-hate and all) but it's actually possible. Mostly when I'm going to sleep and don't have to talk I can concentrate on them and assume they're feeling peaceful. Our forcing session moods are usually pretty neutral since I don't have the energy to imagine emotions as well as 5 other things.


Q of the day: emotional responses! The lack of them, that is. I might've felt one while trying to do the thing I described in the previous paragraph. Aside from that, nothing. Since I experience anhedonia ("decreased ability to feel pleasure" as well as positive emotions, in my case) I assume it's possible my tulpa just doesn't know how to experience positive emotions due to not having a "point of reference" from the host and therefore can't use emotions as a way to communicate. Still makes me feel like there's something wrong with me or something, hehe. So the question is:
Are there known instances of hosts not receiving emotional responses and still getting their tulpas to vocal stages?
12-18-2017, 09:16 AM
Find Reply
Turquoise Offline
Member
Registered

Posts: 22
Threads: 1
Joined: Mar 2013
#24
 
RE: Turquoise Log

(the answer to my question was yes by the way)

-------------

Today's report is a bit personal and if you decide to comment on it I would like you to be civil about it.

The night before my previous report something that I didn't even notice at the time happened - I stopped feeling him. The pressures stopped, all that jazz. I thought he came back for a bit but still, plenty of times last week I went "I don't think he's here". The feeling of presence was insanely difficult to replicate.

My initial reaction was: "He's off to do his own thing and will come back stronger than ever" but time passed and nothing really happened. I feel like it's necessary to mention that last week was also the week I cried a whole lot. Feels like more than this entire year. I'm crying right now! I rarely let myself get this sappy and am quite ashamed of my reactions. One of my theories is that I hurt him somehow, by not shielding him from my emotions. I figured that if I can't hide anything from him anyway then what's the point, right? Still, I'm not sure if that line of thinking is correct. Who knows. Not me, that's for sure.

Assuming he enjoys spending time together is still difficult as well. I went ages thinking nobody will ever like me (in a friend way even, in case you're only assuming something romantic here) and if tulpas are real people then why should they be any different? I almost never see hosts talk about this and it's kinda surprising, honestly. Am I one of the few who thinks making your tulpa stay with you in the same room is some form of torture? (I'm exaggerating obviously but I do feel quite a bit of guilt when it comes to that).

I, myself, believe in the reality of this situation and that's why talking about it pains me. Today I read something about the attitude some hosts have towards their tulpas. As in, not treating them as people, saying "I" when it should be "we". Not using their name when talking about them. I want to explain my reasons behind the name thing. 
Here I am, someone who doesn't feel responses(at the moment) being all like "(tulpa name here) and I talked a lot today then watched my fave show it was fun Smile". And then there's this random internet guy who goes "lel you messed up u don't even get responses you filthy (insert slur here) enjoy ur imaginary waifu :^)". So the result is, I feel bad and lose hope and stuff. I guess it feels more personal when saying the name? I don't want to come off like a roleplayer/delusional waifuist so badly I end up holding back all the personal and emotional stuff. Here's a post where I let some of that out. Take it.

-------------

To hell with emotional stuff though!
My plan of action at the moment is belief change.
https://community.tulpa.info/thread-tulp...nd-beliefs
https://community.tulpa.info/thread-chan...nd-a-study

I have also dug up a guide in my first language on the topic which expanded on some things and gave me a bit more of an insight.
So yeah. Keep doing force-y things, do those other things, mayhaps we'll manage to get a New Year's miracle to work or something.

Sorry for whining~
12-25-2017, 02:51 PM
Find Reply
Turquoise Offline
Member
Registered

Posts: 22
Threads: 1
Joined: Mar 2013
#25
 
RE: Turquoise Log

I wanted my next post to be full of progress and hope but that is not the case. That being said, I seem to be more motivated to do stuff when I write things down here so let's do this.


Stuff that happened past month:
  • One clear phrase heard (mindvoice). Just one. I still think most of my other mind chatter isn't my tulpa and still idk how to deal with it i guess.
  • Form change. I dunno how I even know about that since I can't see things in the wonderland still. It's a design made by me now :| I accidentally visualized him as that form before but at the time I thought it was an intrusive thought. I still dunno for sure, of course.
  • Some ear ringing. Some head pressures. Not very often and not very strong.
  • Some touch imposition stuff?? It's weird and since i can't confirm it's the tupper idk maybe i'm just dying lol
  • Just a theory but I think some instances of me getting emotional were actually him. No way I would get teary-eyed at a news story of some guy saving a kid.

I'm still at the point where I feel like I've done everything that I could and our connection is still very very weak (considering that I had stronger one at some point, especially with the feeling of presence). The belief thing didn't seem to work, or is working very slowly. I still feel guilty about making him exist.
Shit sucks and I'm sad basically (that's every post here, isn't it). 
I'll keep going though. Maybe I'll become the ultimate slowpoke with years of no progress lol
01-27-2018, 06:50 PM
Find Reply
Heckhound Offline
Member
Registered

Posts: 92
Threads: 2
Joined: Jun 2016
#26
 
RE: Turquoise Log

Hey, I don't know if you want people commenting here, but I saw we have some similar problems and wanted to offer a small suggestion.

I have a lot of mind chatter and hypnagogia stuff going on to, so I feel you there. I know you have a feeling the random voices are not the tup, but have you tried unabashedly treating them like they are? Not counting the ones that fall under the categories you've listed, of course. (Negative ones, ones that speak to each other, etc.) I started stressing less about it when I began doing that. And if it's not him, oh well. You still gave him attention in some way, right? Keep it up, and you'll probably be able to tell what is him versus what isn't eventually. I think it's a decent way to break the silence you've been experiencing. Feel free to ignore me though!

Also, with the touch imposition stuff, have you tried seeing if he can communicate with you that way? We do a lot of that stuff, ourselves. It could be that you two are naturally better at doing that than things like mindvoice right off the bat. Who knows.

Definitely keep going. I'm rooting for you two.

pr // discord: Heckhound#6112
01-27-2018, 08:32 PM
Find Reply
dragon cake Offline
Member
Registered

Posts: 84
Threads: 1
Joined: Jan 2018
#27
 
RE: Turquoise Log

As to what Heckhound said, I've heard some people say that their tulpas had trouble choosing correct words and such when initially trying to vocalize, so some things they said could have appeared to be random mind chatter. Maybe when you hear what you think is mind chatter, say a few encouraging words to them, let them know you believe that they are capable. At worst, if it's not actually them, you'll have given them random encouragement, which can't hurt. They may be frustrated too.

Probably a random comparison, but it reminds me of when I had a pet conure (parrot). At night when his cage was covered with a sheet so he could sleep, I'd sometimes walk by the cage and hear him 'practicing' saying words or phrases when he thought no one was listening. It always seemed to make him very happy if I stopped and encouraged him.

Maybe a poor example, but I hope the idea helps.
(This post was last modified: 01-29-2018, 01:50 AM by dragon cake.)
01-29-2018, 01:46 AM
Find Reply
Turquoise Offline
Member
Registered

Posts: 22
Threads: 1
Joined: Mar 2013
#28
 
RE: Turquoise Log

I don't mind comments at all! That's kinda the reason I started a log in the first place, for tips and encouragement and such. So, thank you both.

(01-27-2018, 08:32 PM)Heckhound Wrote: I have a lot of mind chatter and hypnagogia stuff going on to, so I feel you there. I know you have a feeling the random voices are not the tup, but have you tried unabashedly treating them like they are?

I do that now and then but when I realize the voices start saying nonsense I kinda go "oh, I guess that wasn't you". Maybe I should treat that as a "learning process mistakes" or something.

(01-27-2018, 08:32 PM)Heckhound Wrote: Also, with the touch imposition stuff, have you tried seeing if he can communicate with you that way?

Hmm. How do I explain it. I can only feel it in specific body parts only so that's why I'm kinda unsure about the whole thing. It sorta feels like a really weak version of when a limb falls asleep, except it's in smaller spots. It's new to me and I'm not sure it's him so I haven't tried communicating with it I guess. I should give it more thought.

(01-29-2018, 01:46 AM)dragon cake Wrote: As to what Heckhound said, I've heard some people say that their tulpas had trouble choosing correct words and such when initially trying to vocalize, so some things they said could have appeared to be random mind chatter. Maybe when you hear what you think is mind chatter, say a few encouraging words to them, let them know you believe that they are capable. At worst, if it's not actually them, you'll have given them random encouragement, which can't hurt. They  may be frustrated too.

Oh, I'm sure he's frustrated, haha. For some reason I have this idea that he can speak in full sentences and stuff but just can't reach me. I try to be positive for him but I haven't figured out how to do it all the time yet
Also that's a very cute example. I love birds so bring on the parrot analogies!
01-29-2018, 09:06 AM
Find Reply
Turquoise Offline
Member
Registered

Posts: 22
Threads: 1
Joined: Mar 2013
#29
 
RE: Turquoise Log

Okay, in regards to previous posts: I don't think the touch stuff can be controlled (yet, at least) and my brain's been too crappy to even produce hypnagogia recently. idk.

Thing unrelated to tulpas (mostly): I kinda really want to take antidepressants again. The thing about it I'd have to go to get a prescription again and admit that my condition hasn't progressed at all and she'd probably make me tell her my life story again which i don't want to do and i have like a million more concerns about this. 
Idk why I'm writing this since it's just that. Go or don't go. 
I think my main thing is that I feel heckin pathetic explaining why I need meds. 

Okay, so. Tulpas.
At some point while active forcing I was laying down with a t-shirt over my eyes/forehead and ended up feeling pressure (similar to one's forehead being lightly pressed on with a hand) which I thought was because of the cloth on my face but it continued through the entire evening. I immediately assumed tulpa stuff and asked a bunch of questions, sometimes getting or not getting a pressure in reply. The next day the pressure shrunk to just a spot almost in the middle of the forehead a little over the right eyebrow. I thought it's that forehead vein. You know the one. Or a third eye opening. Or me dying. It did feel like blood pulsing but I counted seconds between the pulses at different times of the day and they were different. Sometimes it stopped, sometimes it pulsed just once. That entire time I was trying to reach out to the tulpa. Yesterday, the pulsing was much weaker. Today, I haven't felt it at all. 
I'm glad I waited to write about it cause it did end up being one of those things that just happen once and then never happen again (probably).

I decided to puppet/parrot this week. Cause my forcing sessions have become absolutely lifeless and I can't figure out anything to talk about. And parroting is kinda fun to me, once I get past the awkwardness of the first few phrases. I do feel bad controlling a sentient being, considering that at this point I have no idea what his personality is supposed to be like. I decided to make his personality match his current form for now.
Feels kinda bad talking about it but the community seems to have slightly different views on parroting these days. And I am doing it as a last resort kind of thing. Yep.
02-06-2018, 08:58 AM
Find Reply
Turquoise Offline
Member
Registered

Posts: 22
Threads: 1
Joined: Mar 2013
#30
 
RE: Turquoise Log

Very little thing happened but it's important to me so I'm writing it down!

You see, I draw stuff now and then. I've drawn my tulpa a bunch of times and never really got any reaction so in general I draw him very rarely. The whole puppeting/parroting thing got to my head I guess so I did a few outfit drawings with him. One of those outfits was based on an old doodle of a character he's based on which stuck in my mind as a "kinda silly but I still like it" kinda thing.
So I'm scribbling this t-shirt right and I get real intense ear ringing so I'm like "(tulpaname), why are you so active all of a sudden? :o". Then it stops for a sec, then I get another one.

Idk if he liked it or not (probably not, right..) but I'm just excited that he reacted to a drawing of his form, which he never did before (I already mentioned a bunch of times that I don't get emotional responses) and I guess I really wanted him to confirm he's aware of what he looks like in my mind or something. So yeah. That's neat. I doubt I'll be using those outfits with visualization anyway...
And yeah, I guess he still does that thing where he's active when I don't expect him to be. Good ol' (tulpaname).

In general: been parroting, redesigned wonderland, started keeping a hand-written log of wonderland adventures. The forehead thing that I mentioned before is actually still happening but very weakly.
That is all for now!
02-14-2018, 07:50 PM
Find Reply


Forum Jump:


Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)

Sponsors:
Lolflash - click it, you know you want to


Contact Us | Tulpa.Info | Return to Top | Return to Content | Mobile Version | RSS Syndication