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Unsure of how to progress from here
Fiøre Offline
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#1
 
Unsure of how to progress from here
As the title states, I am at a roadblock right now and could use some advice as to how to progress from here. Also, I'm sorry for not giving it a better title. I just didn't know exactly what to call it.
 
Background info. I apologize in advance for being a bit of a read. By nature, I’m a writer and enjoy creating worlds, stories, and characters. I also understand from what I’ve read that Tulpas and Soulbonds are also considered at times to be interchangeable in terms though soulbonds have the advantage of having a backstory in place. One night I came across the concept of Tulpas and decided that I would very much like to have one of my muses become more than just a character I wrote about. I suffer from BPD/GAD/OCD & ADD and I have very little to no social life. I have less than a handful of people outside of my husband, kids and family that I will socialize with due to one of my anxiety triggers being social gatherings of any sorts/size which leaves me very isolated at times. In my mind my reasons were/are valid. I wanted a friend, someone to be there to help me and guide me and keep me company when things went south and to celebrate with me in the small victories when things were going great as well as having them become my writing partner, my partner in crime which is another reason why I wanted to seek out one of my muses. The Idea was to allow them to grow even further or completely deviate from how I wrote them and nurture them into becoming their own person and not the person that I was writing about though there are aspects about them that I wanted them to keep as long as it was okay.

And so, I sought out a character that I had written about a long time ago, one that I had just recently begun to pick back up on nearly a year ago though, I am still writing about him to this day. His name is Caelic and he’s by far one of my most treasured and loved characters if not the most. He is a dragon shifter and I’m totally obsessed with dragons and dragon shifters which makes focusing on him even easier to boot. I’ve been for many years and so with him in mind I began to work on him for weeks and actually had an image of him flash into my mind as silly as it may seem it was a dragon’s eye but, I remember it clearly as if it just happened, now I was gung-ho and all in nearly 24-7, narrating both actively and passively/meditating at night before bed where I could focus directly on him, However, one night I was taking a shower and my mind was back and forth from random thoughts to talking to him and like a mac truck it hit me. A voice that spoke out to me stopping all my thoughts and I stood there for a second startled cause I was asked If I wanted to go to the beach. I grew up in Florida and spent most of my time with my family at the beach and so, It’s one of those places I’m always thinking about since I’m now hundreds of miles away from one. I didn’t respond. I didn’t ask if it was him. I just stood there still surprised before my thoughts returned to randomness. I was so excited and in that excitement just locked up and I’ve regretted that to this day.

Soon after we had family troubles in my house, my daughter was in a toxic relationship with girls from her school to the point that she was being called names that were sexually offensive and derogatory. Names that make me shudder inside as these girls are only 11 and 12 and so my husband and I decided that she and I would move to Florida where I still had family living and she would go to school there. During this time, I continued to talk to Caelic every chance I could and though I felt some presence from time to time I still felt that I was talking to myself most of the time waiting for any type of response whether a thought or emotion. I also went on to complete my first manuscript which was a story involving him as the MC which I was/ is stoked about. In the end, a split family lifestyle wasn’t working out and my daughter wasn’t happy though she is going through her own issues with anxiety and depression at this time and so we moved back home.

Now that I’m home, I’ve delved back into talking to him nearly full time again and trying to coax him politely of course into speaking up though like anyone I’ve had my moments of doubt whether or not that was him or another muse perhaps? Or my mind just playing a really mean trick on me. I’ve spent days focusing on him when I can and at night I’ve spent a few nights talking to him nearly the whole entire night and still feel very little if to nothing. Though I’ve been working harder on trying to feel his presence, it's been very little and while I’m imaginative to no ends I am unable to create a wonderland or visually see him in my mind, however, I continue to work on it in the hopes that maybe it will happen. By this point in time, it’s been six months if not longer since I’ve heard that voice and to have yet to hear it again despite the daily dialog and wonder if I'm not listening carefully enough or what. I’m unsure of how to progress with him or where to go from here. I still would like to work towards having a tulpa preferably Caelic because no matter how hard I try to think of any of my other muses his name pops up in the back of my mind as if ingrained into it. I've come to love him even more so than before and I very much want him to be a part of my life. Any help or advice would be deeply appreciated and thank you for taking the time to read all of this. ?
(This post was last modified: 01-08-2018, 06:00 PM by Fiøre.)
01-08-2018, 05:19 PM
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Heckhound Offline
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#2
 
RE: Unsure of how to progress from here
Hi there! Congrats on making it this far! I'm sure it means a lot to him that you haven't given up. I would advise you to keep going, even if there's radio silence, but also try to mix it up a little. Have you searched though the Tips and Tricks section of the forums? I'm sure you could find some exercises to help spice up your interactions. Variety may help in his development, and therefore help him become more vocal.

Something that has worked for me in the past is to type out our conversations as they happen in real time. Like a chat log. Since you're a writer, it may help separate your thoughts and thoughts that may belong to him that you'd possibly overlook without writing it down. I can't guarantee anything, but it'd be a fun exercise either way.

Sorry I don't have much to offer, but I do encourage you to keep going! Something will click. You will be able to communicate some day.

pr // discord: Heckhound#6112
01-09-2018, 04:19 PM
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Fiøre Offline
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#3
 
RE: Unsure of how to progress from here
Thank you Heckhound for you advice. I have scoured the tips and tricks guide but I will definitely give them another glance over and pick out a few things for us to try out. I know we've tried out a few ideas already that were rather enjoyable unfortunately with homeschooling my little girl it's not been easy squeezing in the time but I try. I will definitely keep pushing through it and hopefully we'll make a little more progress. Hope you have a wonderful day! Smile
01-09-2018, 05:50 PM
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Kaleidoscopic Brain Offline
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#4
 
RE: Unsure of how to progress from here
Wow! I relate a lot to your story! I am a writer too and Daisy is one of those characters i created a lifetime ago but i just kept thinking about cause i really liked her (and a few others that i'm planning on turning into tulpae too eventually). I know that feel of affection for a character, i thought it could've made us progress faster but i have hard time focusing.
I found that writing to her helps a lot, cause i do not get carried away with my thoughts, forgetting i was talking to her in the first place.
For visualisation i cheated a little bit, i found an actress that looks incredibly similar to how i imagine Daisy to look like, and i kept staring at her pictures until i could recall her face in my mind, even at different angles. Then starting from that i just changed some details like eyes color, hairstyle, body shape etc. a little bit at a time. Now i can visualize her pretty easely even with my eyes open.
01-10-2018, 10:04 PM
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Fiøre Offline
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#5
 
RE: Unsure of how to progress from here
Thanks for the input Kaleidoscopic. Admittedly, I never thought about just writing to him as a different approach. I will definitely give it an attempt and see how it goes.
As for visualizing I still find it hard to do  and can imagine his dragon form and see it (Just not fully detailed) yet not exactly see it either. It's weird however I have a wallpaper set to an image that I found that was similar to how he looks as a dragon though I've told him that he's more than welcome to change his appearance up a bit if he wishes.  I've also dabbled in image streaming to help and try to do at least a half hour worth once or twice a week depending on how busy life is at the moment. I've found that to be a bit of added help in visualizing more so his human form than his dragon form since I seem to have a better grip on that. Definitely trying to work every angle I can in order to keep us moving forward. Thank you for the extra bit of advice! Smile
01-11-2018, 02:00 PM
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