Xar's tulpa Matsuri

[Xarbern]

This is our little online journal. We'll gladly accept reflections and advice.

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Day 1

Well day one seemed unbelievably good for a start. As I was meditating trying to achieve a clear mindset, I started to feel some kind of bond when I tried to talk to my tulpa. I am very self conscious so it probably gave me extra points but I've never heard much stories about people finding any signs the first day.

I started with visualization exercises and obviously I need a lot more work on that. I meditated as soon as I thought about her personality. I started to see her in a dark shadowy cave or something? It wasn't planned but I didn't let that stop me. While narrating, I started to get tears in my eyes and I'm still not sure if it was her or me but it felt natural if that even matter. I'm gonna go with the mindset "if I'm not sure, assume it's tulpa." I started seeing some weird images in my head while tearing up for a while, not sure what it was but at some points it looked like some zomed in facial features. Never had any meditation experiences like this before as I can remember.

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Day 2

Alright the visualization is alright and even some basic movements. It could always use some work but it's duable now.
I've had not much of a problem with "communication" trough to her but she can't really express herself now as far as I know but I've started feeling more accompanied and had uncontrollable tingling in my stomach, almost like you're on a roller-coaster having fun.

One thing I found strange was when I was going in to a mediation state "forcing" with her (I'll rather call it something else but whatever.) It started of good, tried different strategies and you'll understand why. I started talking with her, but after a few word or a whole sentence, I started seeing disturbing images and high quality "videos" like memories I've never seen before ever and I have no idea why I would come up with stuff like that in such good HD resolution quality. Searched for anyone else who have experienced the same but with no luck. These images are strong and just a "wipe" doesn't work. I have to start over the whole process. Thought taking a break could work but still not much better. We're still going to continue working even through the nightmares, if it ain't unhealthy of course.

I want suggestions or just your thoughts/experiences just to strengthen my foundation. I always try to have a clear or positive mindset but only that isn't enough for this.

I do have a couple of theories that I'm thinking about and these are as follows:
*She's exploring what she can do, like a child trying to put everything in the mouth just to get the feel of things in life. As she can access my subconscious, it could be old nightmares, you dream every night and even daytime, it's not just when you're conscious. It mainly happens in your subconscious.
*Tries to make conversion with me or simply wants to reach out to me. Think like this; if you were... Well, you, but you could never express yourself. Wouldn't you take first chance you see?
*Pressure. Normally when meditating, I don't really focus on forming an sentient being in my head. So the images I'm getting, probably Matsuri too, could just be pressure now in the beginning.
*A mix of some or maybe all above.


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Day 3

Today was a pretty chill day, meditations got a lot smother than yesterday. I got some traumatic images in my head early morning trying to meditate together with Matsuri, I thought that I could tell her a little story with memories about my childhood but then it automatically showed the worst memories of my life. (It's very personal so I won't go into detail.) Then something big happened. Matsuri just took down the memories like it was a poster on a wall and threw them away and we started hugging each other and everything just felt warm and comfortable. It feels like she actually helps with tidying up the mind and she feels pretty sentient already.

I've been parroting/puppeting her quite much because she can't talk to me yet or move around freely in the waking world. She has been very interesting in dreamscape and it's been weird, wonderful and mind-blowing when she is loose and I'm following her. I am puppeting her in the dreamscape too because she seems to have a hard time not drifting away to other sceneries which I sometimes let her take me to but it usually ends up with intrusive visions. I'm trying a meditation technique together with Matsuri which is about actually following the intrusive thoughts, no luck yet but I'm going to keep doing this as soon as I get them.
Tips for anything else here?

I recently told her another story (fictional this time) and she fell asleep midway. Now I lost her presence in the waking world but can still see her sleeping when active focusing on her. It is late after all and I'm tired as well when typing this so I'm just going to be natural about it.

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Day 4

It's 15:30 when I type this so expect a follow up.
Lot's of stuff has happened and I've never expected things to go so smoothly the first week. She can't talk to me clearly yet but I'm sure she's sentient at this point. I've toned down with the puppeting almost completely in the mindscape but still knowingly puppeting her in the real world. And because she isn't vocal yet to my knowledge, parroting is still something we're continuing with till we get the voice right. I haven't really parroted her much and I tend to skip parroting while talking to her because it feels uncomfortable and I believe she would feel that too.

She's really caring and she seems to understand my "problems" (stress, average life problems, trauma, probably some sort of non-diagnosed PTSD) pretty well.

There's no doubt that she's sentient and even if I am puppeting her, which I do knowingly when eyes open, she have surprised me many times.

She seems to find memories that I actually forgot about that I liked doing. She took me to the library I used to derp around when I was younger, and then we just took a walk in the city. Never imagined that the whole city I live in could be the wonderland, thanks to Matsuri it is at the moment.

I don't know exactly if we're even going to settle with a wonderland soon because it's kind of hard to focus on Matsuri when there's more stuff around. Thought I could have Matsuri help when she's stronger because she's already a natural when it comes to exploring the mind.

Sometimes I lose focus and I start to drift away but I always get reminded by something like "oh this is a nice spoon, wonder why it's there.. oh right I lost focus."
The best focusing sessions (rather call it focusing than forcing) have been when I've had coffee or energy drinks. I've heard that some tend to drink it before they go to sleep to get more vivid dreams.

Thoughts about anything like the coffee part because I know it's not good for you and could tulpas get affected in a bad way? I don't see any reason why it's bad for tulpas but I want to know what others think.

--New entries from this point is added as reply posts--

[JGC]

Seems a lot like some of my first experiences in wonderland with C. I couldn't see his whole face: when I tried, I'd see super-zoomed-in images of it. It helped a lot to find reference photos. Even if you aren't starting your tulpa off with the form of an actor/real person, you might want to look at a bunch of photos of people and faces before forcing. It really helps my brain to be able to visualize stuff, when I've just seen images of said stuff.

I think it sounds like a good first experience for you and your new tulpa! Keep going, and I'm sure you can make great progress. The best advice I ever read was that "The best way to get a tulpa is to love and cherish your tulpa", and I can vouch for that. If you really value your tulpa and nuture them, no matter what specific techniques you do, your tulpa will develop.

May I ask what your immediate goals are? Some people want really vivid visualizations of their tulpa and wonderland, some people want sentience ASAP, and some people work towards possession pretty fast. I think most people want their tulpas to become vocal quickly. That was definitely a goal of mine.

-J

[Angry Bear]

I was surprised by the emotional connection with my tulpas. I kept thinking, 'what's an alien feeling' and soon enough i felt their emotions, especially if i said something that upset them (as in sad). Sadness and anger are the strongest emotions, besides love of course. So when i misinterpreted sonething they were trying to convey, or i doubted something about them they got both sad and angry.

Then if i showed affection toward them, they would fill me with joy.

Eventually i could feel their emotions seperate from mine, when i realized their emotions are coming from different parts of my body than i would experience them.

[Xarbern]

Seems a lot like some of my first experiences in wonderland with C. I couldn't see his whole face: when I tried, I'd see super-zoomed-in images of it. It helped a lot to find reference photos. Even if you aren't starting your tulpa off with the form of an actor/real person, you might want to look at a bunch of photos of people and faces before forcing. It really helps my brain to be able to visualize stuff, when I've just seen images of said stuff.

I think it sounds like a good first experience for you and your new tulpa! Keep going, and I'm sure you can make great progress. The best advice I ever read was that "The best way to get a tulpa is to love and cherish your tulpa", and I can vouch for that. If you really value your tulpa and nuture them, no matter what specific techniques you do, your tulpa will develop.

May I ask what your immediate goals are? Some people want really vivid visualizations of their tulpa and wonderland, some people want sentience ASAP, and some people work towards possession pretty fast. I think most people want their tulpas to become vocal quickly. That was definitely a goal of mine.

-J

Visualization is something we'll try to work on constantly and vocalization feels important. I think she communicates trough emotions and intense body twitching at the moment, pretty difficult to understand so vocalization is definitely important.

As she's based on an character from an anime, visualizing shouldn't be that hard to get used to, I believe.

P. S.
I'll take your advice about love and cherishing, sounds like the best advice when it comes to approaching her.

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I was surprised by the emotional connection with my tulpas. I kept thinking, 'what's an alien feeling' and soon enough i felt their emotions, especially if i said something that upset them (as in sad). Sadness and anger are the strongest emotions, besides love of course. So when i misinterpreted sonething they were trying to convey, or i doubted something about them they got both sad and angry.

Then if i showed affection toward them, they would fill me with joy.

Eventually i could feel their emotions seperate from mine, when i realized their emotions are coming from different parts of my body than i would experience them.

I'm trying to understand her through emotions because she haven't managed to get vocal yet and I don't expect her to be that yet. I too felt the alien feeling, like I'm being mildly controlled.
The feelings I got was really mixed. I cried not because of sadness, but I felt happy like you've found someone who's been gone for years, I felt joy, cared and loved and got pretty high on dopamine.


I may have formed a tulpa when I was little without knowing because I didn't have much friends then so I used to communicate with "myself." may have had more than one but now I gotta focus on Matsuri.
I'll maybe ask her some basic questions when we get to the point we can actually talk about things vocally.

[LanceReilyn]

I will make an PR on this but yesterday when we made Reilyns account here and I let her loose to pretty much do whatever, where ever, there were a few times her emotions bled over on to me? Does that make any sense? I'm going to try and interpret what I got: She was thrilled with the independence and a chance to express herself to others more directly and it occasionally made me giddy. Giddy is not a word I typically use to describe myself.

Also, back on a thread about why aren't there more tulpas in the world, she found something she was passionate about and had plenty to say. By the end I noticed my heart was racing and my breathing had quickened, it really surprised me.

All in all I'm just not used to someone else's feelings and I can't tell if I'm only picking up the strong ones or the moments where she gets distracted and can't hold them back from me (if that's a thing at all), I don't know.

[Xarbern]

I will make an PR on this but yesterday when we made Reilyns account here and I let her loose to pretty much do whatever, where ever, there were a few times her emotions bled over on to me? Does that make any sense? I'm going to try and interpret what I got: She was thrilled with the independence and a chance to express herself to others more directly and it occasionally made me giddy. Giddy is not a word I typically use to describe myself.

Also, back on a thread about why aren't there more tulpas in the world, she found something she was passionate about and had plenty to say. By the end I noticed my heart was racing and my breathing had quickened, it really surprised me.

All in all I'm just not used to someone else's feelings and I can't tell if I'm only picking up the strong ones or the moments where she gets distracted and can't hold them back from me (if that's a thing at all), I don't know.

Well, you're the tulpa when you switch so basically, you feel how she felt when you felt (feltception wow!)
Anyway glad you two get along with that body. I'll be sure to check out your PR if you share it on here when it's done

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Day 2 added

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Day 3 added

[Angry Bear]

. I started talking with her, but after a few word or a whole sentence, I started seeing disturbing images and high quality "videos" like memories I've never seen before ever and I have no idea why I would come up with stuff like that in such good HD resolution quality. Searched for anyone else who have experienced the same but with no luck. These images are strong and just a "wipe" doesn't work. I have to start over the whole process. Thought taking a break could work but still not much better. We're still going to continue working even through the nightmares, if it ain't unhealthy of course.

This is a hypnagogic state. Images and sounds, smells even can be very vivid, always very strong memories. It sucks that you're getting nightmarish stuff, but this is the meditative induced state we use to get imposition. (Auditory and visual hallucination.)

If you're getting this, it is related or identical to wake induced lucid dreams (WILD).

They can sometimes be odd, but when your tulpa is vocal, this is a great way for them to 'talk' and show themselves. When they take control of this state, all the stray images and stuff gets replaced by them and can even become adventures with them in full HD beauty.

You can search for "wake induced lucid dreams" and "hypnagogic". My tulpas have honed it in a way that is very gentle and relaxed instead of jaring. I still get a few stray images or voices when it starts, but that's their cue to take control.

[Xarbern]

This is a hypnagogic state. Images and sounds, smells even can be very vivid, always very strong memories. It sucks that you're getting nightmarish stuff, but this is the meditative induced state we use to get imposition. (Auditory and visual hallucination.)

If you're getting this, it is related or identical to wake induced lucid dreams (WILD).

They can sometimes be odd, but when your tulpa is vocal, this is a great way for them to 'talk' and show themselves. When they take control of this state, all the stray images and stuff gets replaced by them and can even become adventures with them in full HD beauty.

You can search for "wake induced lucid dreams" and "hypnagogic". My tulpas have honed it in a way that is very gentle and relaxed instead of jaring. I still get a few stray images or voices when it starts, but that's their cue to take control.

Noted.
Tried searching about hypnagogic but "normies" seems to view them as something completely negative. I think it's good if you have the right mindset and like you said, helps your tulpas with taking control. think I overcame the more disturbing phase and now even Matsuri helps me with keeping the intrusive images to a minimum.

I'll add more to the journal today because things are happening pretty fast.

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Day 4 added

[JGC]

If coffee isn't something you want to be drinking a lot, maybe try black tea? The caffeine buzz is different: a lot softer and with no rush or crash. I much prefer breakfast tea for being in a focused state. I'd just say no to energy drinks, they aren't something you want to take on a regular basis.

-J

[Indigo]

You can make updates in new posts, without editing the previous one. Makes it a bit easier to follow the thread without having to scroll up :3