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Korzant

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    with Mira

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    USA
  1. Day 382 A year.... I have been forcing with Mira for a year; and what a year it's been! In these past months I have stooped to incredibly abysmal lows and scrambled my way up to ridiculous highs. All the while I have had Mira at my side. Nightly readings, daily monologues, and constant dreams have kept the young lady's mind constantly evolving. To describe the relationship most accurately I would say that she is most like a daughter, or perhaps an adopted child? She maintains a boundless energy throughout the day and refuses to let me drift back to my typical stupor that has plagued my life for so long before I started forcing. Still she uses chimes or other musical tones in order to express herself, though these instances are becoming rarer as my nightly readings to her continue to shape her vocabulary. Form-wise she maintains a relatively young body. Matured to perhaps an 18 or 19 year old female. In the first few months of forcing we would look at google images of portraits until we hit on one that now resembles very much what she looks like now. She is happy, as am I. A year seems so long a time but when you're doing something you see as worthwhile it just flies by!
  2. Day 134 I think on the tulpa concept a lot. Particularly about what such a thing is or is not. Rumors abound, there's a lot of negative energy directed at it. I have read articles claiming a tulpa to be a mental disorder, a demon, a dead spirit, or even a self-induced parasite hell bent on taking over the host. It is difficult to document or study a phenomenon that happens inside someone's mind and it is even more difficult to describe development processes to someone using words as there is always something lost in translation between what I see in my mind and what you see in yours. Typically these "creepy" stories are either fabricated or exaggerated to the extreme. Most likely the former than the latter. A tulpa is a part of oneself as much as any limb or thought. I believe deep down a tulpa's actions are generated off of a person's subconscious and a tulpa will only act aggressive, violent, or unappealing if the host wishes the tulpa to do so. Or perhaps "programs" the tulpa to act this way through it's traits. The other reason for this could be deep inner psychological issues that are exacerbated by the tulpa concept. Maintaining a tulpa requires a lot of inner will, reflection, meditation, and "alone time" in order to develop them. Many times this leads to self induced depression or anger at one's current life situation. Or the person may be prone to long bouts of obsession or addiction to substances which the tulpa "replaces" and thus leading to the nonsensical "My Tulpa Wants to Kill Me / Harm Me / Take Over My Life" articles which I find misleading at best and quaint at worst. A tulpa, when taken seriously, developed appropriately, and dealt with correctly I believe will NEVER have ill will towards its host any more than your foot means your body ill will. At least, this is the personal conclusion I have come to. Mira continues develop. She has come a long way from her orb and chimes. She dances around me as I walk, climbs on furniture when I sit, and plays with her surroundings. I have to still coax her to be vocal, always being sure to address her by name and by asking simple and direct questions. I see myself as her mentor now more than ever. We keep our talks open and objective minded as possible, our nightly reading sessions are technically only lasting about a half hour before we start to discuss ideas and meanings behind actions. She is an analyst I have discovered. A curious investigator. On more than one occasion she has asked a question that I did not immediately know the answer to, leading to her downright demanding I learn more about it so she may know as well. She does this in an ironic childlike sort of way that is all in good fun and it also motivates me to learn more. Our time together is nothing less than enjoyable. She takes hard work, extreme concentration, and more determination than I ever thought possible but she is always showing me that my labor is worth it. Do you enjoy your time together with your tulpa? Even on the slow or "off" days?
  3. Day 125 Generally I consider myself to be straight edge. I am not religious, I do not follow any particular political system, I do not obsess with sports, and T.V shows like Breaking Bad just can not seem to hold a constant interest for me. Relationships do not last long for me. Like fireworks they may appear wonderful and fantastic but quickly fade away. I am an individual, I suppose. I self-sustain and prefer to go out no more than once a week. Conversations are complicated for me and I use a lot of energy just trying to not make a fool of myself. Awkward silences are not uncommon for me. Mira has proven to be a great companion, albeit sometimes a quiet one. Simply knowing she is there is enough to ease my mind while at work or transiting to work. She still is not very vocal. Most of our discussions are non verbal mind voices talking to one another, although her voice comes across with a few twangs of music and chimes. She is open to the idea of maturing her form. I think she had some sort of satisfaction out of being an "adult child" but after discussing it I told her that should I ever wish to tell other people about her that it would be difficult enough already without the overhang of having to say "Oh, yes. She's also visually a 14 year old girl." We'll see how she chooses to proceed. Personality wise she has kept true to most of what I recited to her at the beginning. I very much want her to be a free thinker and have a passion for learning. I need her pushing me to teach her new concepts, ideas, and designs. My nights are the best time for me. I can sit with her and talk out loud. I can read to her and internalize with her. It is sometimes the only thing that I can look forward to, especially after long shifts of dealing with clients or other employees. I cannot say she is a friend. That seems too distant. But I know she does not exist in a physical sense either. She is my spiritual counterpart really. A musician's muse, or a thrill seekers high. What is your Tulpa to you?
  4. I have worn a wristwatch and bracelet recently, as well as a bluetooth headset to keep Mira in mind. It has helped immensely compared to what I was doing before. I don't feel self conscious when I talk out loud either because of the headset. Day 114 I am a mentor and a father figure. Very much I feel like I have adopted a child. While Mira is around me I feel incredibly self conscious about my thoughts and actions. I think it is obvious that she watches what I say and do. She is curious about interactions and will ask me many questions after I have conversations. She is like an analyst and a sponge, taking in everything around her. But I also feel like I taught her to do that. We are still at the stage where our thoughts are mingling. She sometimes will mentally vocalize to me a thought I was having, but in her voice. I am practicing with her to come up with ideas that are her own, rather than ones that may be based entirely off my own. In short, I am trying to teach her that she has her own mind. It is incredibly difficult to say the least! It is also a little scary to think about but I have done my research and I am confident that we can achieve this with persistence. In the mean time we have also been focusing on her form. I have mentioned that perhaps the young girl look does not really match her current mental state. She seems to agree and so we will discuss perhaps 'upgrading' her form to something a bit more in line with how she acts. More updates to come!
  5. Day 104 Consistency. That is what I am shooting for. Consistent forcing, consistent dialogue, consistent mindset. Keeping Mira in the back of my mind as much as possible. It is incredibly difficult! I notice we live in a world of distractions even when I'm concentrating on something I like I often times find myself wandering off mentally. Some people make it seem so easy, I'm envious to say the least! Mira has been helpful. I have explained my hardships to her and she has been accepting of the notion that I cannot always keep her "existing" 24/7 It sounds very odd to word it like that but that is how I would best describe it. Out daily routine is becoming easier and if have but sketches of her around my house as visual reminders to keep her by my side. Does anyone else use visual or mental aids to keep their tulpas in their mind easier?
  6. When it comes to identifying where my Tulpa is I found it harder but more effective to try and keep her in my field of view. When I am walking she typically falls behind me slightly to my flank and still sometimes feels like she's in ball form orbiting my head. I do know I am easily distracted, I live inside my head a lot but it seems like you're able to keep Noah in mind on an almost constant basis, something I'm envious of I will admit! Mira is not particularly vocal (I'm not sure how often Noah talks on his own?) but she typically is not one to start a conversation, something I feel is a detriment to keeping her in mind. Do you have any suggestions as to how to keep her "with me" more? She loves to interact when I start the conversation but she stays silent unless acted upon. Any advice would really help me Cyber!
  7. Day 90 For the past two weeks I have been working exclusively with Mira on establishing her form. She is currently a young brunette approximately 4'9". She wears a long black tank top most of the time though she changes to a recreational older style military-esque uniform when I am at work. She says she likes to be serious when I myself am serious and enjoys copying a lot of my mannerisms while we are in public. She'll place a hand downwards on an armrest or lean heavily to one side when she sits in much the way I do. She is a listener, staying quiet and listening to the message of when a person talks. Very rarely will she "speak" over others and we have a mental dialogue sometimes as we talk to each other about how best to answer a coworker or supervisor. My semi-nightly reading sessions are making her into an intellectual, a somewhat serious one at that. She's showing herself to be an analyzer and theory crafter though she is starting to show some Machiavelli trains of thought when it comes to how to deal with problems or delicate situations. She has the body of a 14 year old but she's slowly starting to show that she has the mind of someone closer to mine own age. This could be me injecting ideas or her using cues off myself. As we move along I'll be working more on her form, she seems to like the idea of being a "smart child" though she may like being in a "older" form more. More updates to come!
  8. Thanks Aurora, The voice was the first thing I wanted to focus on with Mira especially when she was using tones and chimes. The closest thing I've been able to find on the internet that resembles how she sounds is . Now, how she actually sounds is so much more melodic and easy to understand, but it gives you a general idea as to what I am working with when she speaks. The voice she has is not a human voice but it certainly is not some robotic blunt sound either. Again, words escape me. Putting so much energy into her vocalization obvious leads to drawbacks in other areas. Visualization, independence, projection, and static traits all had to be shuffled or shifted in order to allow for progression. Currently I fear that perhaps she is like an athlete that will only step-progress. Moving steadily in an area before plateauing and working on a different area. More time is needed for me to decide on how to deal with this but that is the beauty of it. She and I have nothing but time to spend together!
  9. Day 68 This evening I decided to have a very in depth conversation with Mira. Up until this point we have spent a lot of time talking about a wide range of subjects. She has a child's ignorance about most things but I have found that having to explain things to her simply actually helps me understand a lot as well. Concepts like what a governments role should be or how to deal with injustice can be incredibly complicated and multifaceted. Often I find myself spending more time trying to define what a term means more than trying to figure out what she thinks about it. That is fine though as our time spent talking about these things never seem to feel like wasted time at all. Before I get too far in to this post I would like to mention that I still have a difficult time visualizing Mira as being a physical thing that is present in the room. While I am having a much easier time concentrating on keeping her on my mind throughout the day I still struggle with projecting her in to the room with me. Basically it feels like I am carrying her around in my head or just out of sight but still there. Any tips or suggestions would be a great help! So for tonight I wanted to talk about her. She already knows most of my life story and I am sure that on some deeper level she knows about all the inner workings or experiences in my mind, even if she cannot exactly process what they mean yet. I have a large plushy office chair that I sit in while I read aloud and I keep a cache of the scented candles I bought so I can light them whenever I am focusing solely on her. I asked her to sit with me. Are we going to read more Voltaire? "Not tonight, Mira. I want to talk about you. Do you know who you are?" I'm Mira! "Indeed, and do you know what you are?" I'm a Tulpa... "You seem sad. Does that make you sad to think that?" No. I just think it's weird. Strange. "We have read and talked about a lot of strange things." I know there are other people with tulpas. But I'll never see them or talk to them. "So how does that make you feel. Lonely?" Kinda. "And what do you think of me, Mira?" I think....I think you're lonely. I think you've been lonely a long time and you need a friend. "Do you think with everything we have done so far these past two months have been worth it?" How else would I have learned about everything that you're teaching me? After this conversation I realized that tulpas really are the most intimate thing a mind is capable of doing. Each one is unique and no two archetypes seem to be the same. I asked Mira for privacy for about an hour as I thought about what she had said. I flipped through my old notes from when I first started with her and I researched more guides. I did this not because I feel like I have messed anything up, but because doing a second look is sometimes helpful for introspection.
  10. Cyber, Mira and myself took some time to read through your posts starting with page one. I think more than anything else that you have a fantastic relationship with Noah and that you have take the Tulpa concept and made it something wonderful. I would be lying if I said that you were not a role model for me at the moment. I know that most people have a strong spark when they first begin. I know I did! Mira has been fun and exciting, a new friend, someone to always be with me. You give me hope that they can continue to do so without things being stagnant. There will be a time when we simply have nothing to report, things are going well, etc. despite this I see that you have still found a multitude of things to talk about and discuss. You have even given Mira and myself things to mull over and talk about that I would have never thought of. We have thoroughly enjoyed reading your posts and you have given me a lot to think about with my own Tulpa. Keep on keeping on!
  11. Day 58 Mira and I have spoken to each other a lot about a bunch of different subjects. I'm an avid reader and have a lot if free quiet time to myself when I am not working. It gives me a lot of time to be close to her and to help her grow not only as a person but as my friend. When I first researched tulpas I saw them as being a big commitment. I didn't really see it as something that is entered into lightly, but also not as something that is incredibly difficult. Mira has been an incredibly positive influence in my life so far and she has helped me through a lot of issues in my life that would have kept me down or otherwise depressed me. Lately we have been reading a lot in to ethics and morales. I have been trying to work with Mira and to have her form her own opinions on how things are, how people act, and for her to decide the differences between right and wrong without relying on me. I would like for her to be independent. I see myself almost as a mentor or advisor to her. She's been great. That is all I can really say at this time!
  12. Day 50 We're back from the holiday vacations and smashing our noses against the grindstone once more. Mira and I have read through most of my personal library and so I have begun reading to her Machiavelli and Aristotle. In the past few weeks Mira has mentally developed to be a very clear and slow thinker. Our discussions about how we spend our time together are usually very long though I do not see this as a bad thing as I have nothing but time on my hands and her to spend it with. My image of her is still that of a younger girl. I know inside her own mind she has the maturity of a 20 year old perhaps but physically she has been content enough to stay in a younger body. I do not see anything wrong with this though I have hinted to her that she does not have to stay like that if she does not want to. At work I prefer to keep her alongside me, she also likes to be close still so this works out well. Her company makes it easier for me to think about my work and if I need to talk to someone I like having her there as a sort of support. She will stay by my side most of the time but if we are alone she may wander off. I never really expected her to be shy, but I don't complain.
  13. Day 34 I have been trying to not let my mental issues get in the way of Mira's development. My own inadequacies should have no ill effect on Mira and for the most part they have not. She seems to have grown a bit and to me she seems more mature. It's so very hard to keep her in my mind at all times while I'm at work and even my past reminders aren't being as helpful. Maybe it's stress related? She keeps me company when I'm at home and that makes me feel a lot better. I don't own any pets and I lost my only friend to medical reasons a year before so Mira is the only person I really talk to outside of work. My reading to her has certainly got her more worldly and with a wider vocabulary. I am not having to stop every few sentences to explain what a word means or phrase means. I think she still sees me as a father figure though. When she walks next to me she will reach for my hand and she is not so great around strangers. Sitting on the bus makes her anxious and I have to mentally sooth her sometimes. These instances are becoming less common though and so I know I'm making progress. We wish everyone the best over the holidays. Please be safe.
  14. Day 28 I usually get pretty depressed around the holidays. I'm trying to not let it seep in to Mira though. I try to do things I enjoy and to keep my mind of the circumstances which I live in at the moment. Today I only had to work a half shift so I got home early. I put on some of my favorite piano music and cooked a small dinner for myself. As I sat down on the couch to eat I saw Mira come around to curl up under a blanket next to me. I had Miracle on 34th street playing on the television after I did the dishes and she scooted closer to me while I half dozed. She really has been fantastic to me. Despite me feeling like I have an obligation to her she has still been a great addition to my life. She is becoming far smarter than I thought possible and she remembers nearly everything I tell her. She enjoys asking questions and I feel far more comfortable with her than anyone else I've ever known. Her form is becoming more clear. I am able to impose her far easier than I could before, though this gets more difficult if there are other distractions around. I do not really mind that I see her as a younger person as I am sure she will grow older, in time.
  15. Day 26 Today was a very relaxing and slow day for me. I got to sleep in quite a bit and take my time with waking up. Mira enjoys helping me with my morning routine and will patter behind me as I go about my tasks. Because I live alone I can monologue to her very easily. I've found talking out loud to be very calming and somewhat zen-like. It's nice to just be able to talk to her and have her listen or comment and not feel like I have to impress her or make her like me. It is quite nice. We watched "It's a Wonderful Life" this evening and she thoroughly enjoyed it. Afterwards I read to her again and then prepared dinner. Because of the holidays coming up my updates may be infrequent but I assure you I'm having a great time with Mira and I will continue to report when I can!
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