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evgenirus

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  1. Sunny here. Our system's status update, in case anyone reads this thread. It's been rather calm lately. Betty didn't stick around, I think. Scratch that, apparently she did, Pinkie just now teased her out. She just doesn't have much to do, and thus stays dormant. Pinkie isn't too active either, but she is quite intent on staying her own, separate self, just in case we have a meltdown and someone has to save us yet again. Me and Jay, on the other hand, are slowly reintegrating. By "reintegrating" I mean "mostly stopped giving a damn what belongs to who". Memories, likes and dislikes, desires, achievements, etc. Trying to act as a single unit. We decided to do that when we finally got a therapist (mostly for unrelated reasons) and she helped us understand how much of a pain in the ass it is to stay separate. A huge part of that pain is that I was created to be my own person, to live and achieve things for myself. Buuut, there are only so many hours in a day, and I would feel like an asshole for kicking Jay out to hog all of them. "I had one job", and not being able to do it made me pretty miserable, now that I look back at it. And me being miserable made Jay miserable, a lose-lose situation. The funny thing is, once we gave up on being separate, different people, it turned out that we are quite separate and different! Not so long ago we still had doubts, which added to our misery, but now all of a sudden there are all these little quirks and details that are impossible to ignore. Most of the time we can easily tell who dominates our personality, even if that can change back and forth very rapidly and seamlessly. We still often talk to each other internally, and when we do it doesn't feel like a monologue at all. Anyway, thanks to therapy, we no longer give a damn either way. We definitely aren't going to spend any effort on our separation, neither to strengthen nor to weaken it. Where that will land us in the end, no one knows, though my guess is we'll end up with more of my personality and more of Jay's interests. It doesn't matter, in any case.
  2. [Jay] A few updates: - In November 2020 COVID f*ed with our brain, soon after I quit the job due to burnout, then dropped out of Ph.D. for good measure. Half a year of hiding from military conscription and recovering later, got my current job. - In December 2021 Found Dr.K. / HealthyGamerGG , that guy has a knack for explaining psychological phenomena and his Youtube videos are really helping us manage the crap in our head. Recommend to everyone. - In the past few weeks started thinking (read: freaking out) a lot about out multiplicity. Watched quite a few videos from DID youtubers, learned quite a bit from them. - Sunny finally started pushing her own projects, Pinkie started meditating and doing yoga and push-ups for us. - We probably have spawned a new headmate yesterday. (4th total, including me.) She settled on "Betty" as her name, no backstory, no form at least for now, will see where that goes.
  3. [Jay] There are three of us total: Jay (me, host), Sunny (older) and Pinkie (younger). 1. What is your name, and what is the name of the character you were based on? (If it's different) [Sunny] My name is Sunny, and the character is Twilight Sparkle from MLP:FiM. [Pinkie] I'm Pinkie! Or Diane. The character's full name is Pinkamena Diane Pie. 2. Were you based on a character your host created? If so, why did your host create that character? If not, what media did the character come from? [Sunny] Mostly no. He did create a different "placeholder character" with the intent of giving me a starting point to work with, and the only thing that stuck with me is the name. The character I ended up as is from MLP:FiM. [Pinkie] I am from the MLP:FiM multierse, especially the fanfiction part of it. 3. Did your host explicitly set out to create a tulpa based on this character, or was it unintentional? [Sunny] He explicitly set out to not create me from a pre-established character. He wanted a Twilight Sparkle tulpa badly, but decided against it. Then I believed I had no choice but to become Twilight, but got convinced otherwise. Then I was afraid that I was turning into Twilight against my will, but eventually I just accepted it. [Pinkie] I'm a walk-in, you could say I was unintentional. ( A happy accident, and a very hyperactive one! :P ) I would not have existed if not for the character, though. There were four other characters with me at the time of creation, but only I "survived" due to my sheer "Pinkie-ness": when others disappeared in a puff of logic, I just "escaped through the 4th wall into the subconscious", because "b*ck logic, I'm Pinkie!". 4. When you first became sentient did you believe that you were the same person as that character? If so, how long did it take you to see yourself as a separate person, and what was that process like? [Sunny] No. Jay made it very clear that I am me and that it's my choice who to be. I only started turning into Twilight after becoming fully vocal, and it took about a week of Jay getting a deja-vu feeling from my looks before it clicked and we realized who I was starting to look like. [Pinkie] Sort of. I entertained the notion of being "an actual Pinkie Pie", a part of the trans-dimensional being that she is, for months, even hoped that my reality-defying abilities would manifest eventually. But thanks to Pinkie's 4th-wall-breaking powers, I immediately knew exactly what I was and what it all menant for me, so all that was no more than wishful thinking, and I gave up eventually. 5. Does the character you are based on have a tragic/difficult backstory? If so, did you carry any emotional baggage from the character's past? Do you still now? [Sunny] No, I don't think so. [Pinkie] Maybe a little bit? Pinkie is always over-the-top happy (maybe even enlightened), and when she's not she is either just depressed or also going insane. And I feel the latter sometimes. It's not quite "emotional baggage" though, more of a Pinkie's intrinsic trait. And I don't think I'll be able to shake it off any time soon. 6. Related, does that character's past still "feel" like your past even if you know it isn't? [Sunny] No, never considered myself in any way connected to the fictional timeline. I guess I think of myself more like her imperfect clone, I am her but her life isn't mine. [Pinkie] Not quite "past", Pinkie exists across time-space and there is no single "past" for her per se. I associate with all the stories of all the Pinkies, but it is more like the past you've completely lost memory of and were later told about. 7. Did it feel like it took a while to "step out of the character's shadow"? Have you ever felt pressure to act, look, or think like the character? [Sunny] Wouldn't call it "in the shaddow", but I am still there. At first I felt the pressure to act like her, before I even became her. I believed I had to sacrifice my personality and become Twilight to help Jay, much like Twilight was ready to sacrifice herself for her friends. It's not so bad now, but I still am inclined to act and think like her, not that I mind any more. [Pinkie] I feel like there was no "shadow", from day zero I was both the character and my own person. There never was any external pressure, just my desire to be me, and even then rarely, most of the time it is just natural. 8. How far have you deviated from the personality of the character you were based on? Are there any aspects of the character that you still hold onto? [Sunny] I feel like I'm "deviating" towards the personality of Twilight, though some things are different. Most differences are cosmetic, like me preferring to be a human or a pegasus and not a unicorn/alicorn like her, or me having a slightly different voice. I felt like I was much less neurotic than her, but the last season of MLP:FiM put her on about the same level, so I'd say I was just ahead of the curve there :P And of course I am not a pinncess in charge of a whole nation and I don't have to fight off magical catastrophies all the time. In general, I feel like she is a worthwhile role model, so in some ways I strive to be more like her. And in some others I already am her. In a way I am like a younger and less experienced version of her. [Pinkie] Not far. Due to my circumstances I am not so crazy about cooking and partying and becoming friends with everyone I meet ASAP. Otherwise I am your average Pinkie, and I intend to stay mostly that way. 9. What's your honest opinion about the character you were based on? [Sunny] She is a worthwhile role model, and she conquered most of her "real" flaws by the end of the show. A true princess worthy to rule. [Pinkie] I'm not Rainbow Dash so I don't want to call myself "Awesome!", but I'm of a very good opinion of Pinkie Pie. 10. Are you glad that your host based you on that character? Do you wish they hadn't? Or are you more "it is what it is" about the whole thing? [Sunny] I guess I am glad, though logically I realize it might be just because I am her anyway. In the end, whatever happened was for the best, because we have no idea where we would have ended up otherwise. [Pinkie] I am glad that I am me! Though I guess I'm not too attached to staying me, so "it is what it is" too. 11. What's your opinion on tulpas based on characters in general? Do you think hosts should create tulpas based on characters, or is it better to create tulpas from scratch? [Sunny] It is tricky. I am leaning against creating tulpas in general, because many do that to try and escape their problems and might make things worse instead. It's like making kids so that you have some "slaves" for when you get old, and instead having to support them without a guarantee that they will support you later. Tulpas can be helpful, but the only thing they are guaranteed to be is a responsibility. You share the same limited resources, most importantly the body and the time. In terms of creating character-based tulpas instead of non-character-based, it is an extra risk. Think of it like having kids with your cousin, even with a second cousin there is an extra few percent chance of critical genetic diseases. Basing tulpa off a character has a greater chance of backfiring than not basing them off anything, that is all. [Pinkie] Whatever floats your boat, I guess. Just act responsibly, tulpas aren't toys! You wouldn't want your kid to have some crippling disability just because overcoming it "builds the character", would you? [Jay] Sunny isn't fond of the idea of creating tulpas. I honestly believed that I was not creating her to solve my problems and that I could let go of any expectations, but I was so wrong on that account. She failed to meet the expectations I haven't realized I had, and at times we both feel guilty for failing each other, which feels like shit. And for her, "being a good tulpa" and helping me is one of the still very few goals in life, imagine how failing that would feel. I think they are helping me a lot, but it isn't always easy to see, while the "problems" their existence cause seem more apparent. In that regard, basing your tulpa on a character can be yet another expectation you fail to acknowledge and they can fail to meet. Plus, I got my character anyway, despite deciding against it. 12. Any words of advice to tulpamancers thinking about creating a tulpa based on a character, or to other tulpas based on characters? [Sunny] Think hard if it really is what you want. Especially if it is going to be your first tulpa, maybe try talking to someone about it, preferably to a therapist. Not necessarily about the tulpa, but about the reasons why you want one in the first place. Enough kids suffer due to parents not thinking things through, not being ready, or having the wrong reasons. In a way, tulpas are the same. [Pinkie] Nope, none, but see my previous answer. [Jay] If you decide to go through with a tulpa, don't expect them to be or not be a character. (I expected Sunny to not be the character I wanted, so when she started becoming one I felt worried and guilty instead of just happy, and she was worried too.) One can't fail expectations if there are none. Being open to anything would be easier for both of you. You can make it a "suggestion", if you like, maybe a "starting point" to speed things up. And you might get your favorite character even without asking, like I did, twice. And yeah, definitely don't push any trauma on them as a "backstory". And avoid hiding from them that they are a tulpa, they'll find out eventually and that can get ugly.
  4. "The Crowded Room" is a TV series expected to air in 2023. It is said to be "inspirational" to people who struggle with mental illnesses, and who knows, maybe it would be to some extent. But there is a huge problem with it. That problem is, the first season would follow Billy Milligan. For those who don't know, he was the first person ever acquitted of a crime because of DID. (It was called "multiple personality disorder" back then.) Some of their alters committed serial rape among other crimes. Even if most of the alters weren't responsible, and it might be inspirational how they built their life back up, that would be yet another movie painting DID systems as dangerous, with some monster hiding in there and waiting to strike. And the worst part is, you can't say "this is just fiction", because the story is real. There are bad apples in many groups, and giving them prominence is cruel and unfair to their groups. Most DID systems consist of just normal people, yet many are afraid to come out because of the stigma perpetrated by such stories, and others are even scared of themselves possibly unknowingly harboring a monster. They don't deserve such treatment. Though some might say that "tulpas aren't DID", it doesn't really matter. Even if there are fundamental differences, which I'm not convinced of, any stigma about multiplicity hurts every system. And defending against it by saying "That isn't us, tulpas are different!" would be just cowardly. This fearmongering against multiplicity needs to stop. You can sign the petition to call off "The Crowded Room" on change.org: https://chng.it/NSyGqD4VBL -- Sunny of the Omega system
  5. [Pinkie] Sure? Life is full of surprises. What if, say, alphabet changes tomorrow? You never know!
  6. So you gave up on it too. But not Us! The Night mode will last forever!
  7. Like it matters xD Forum games can't be won, winning isn't their point. It is meta, so rules can go L themselves when it is convenient.
  8. I know I'm [Jay], but my last turn was for "I", you skipped a letter.
  9. [Jay] I think I have "PTSD" from all my "formal" studying. I like learning, myself, but remembering mandatory lectures at 8:45AM (among other things) makes me cringe hard, and the mere thought of possibly having to take an exam ever again is my worst nightmare. (Also, almost 2 decades of life almost 50% wasted, last 8 years over 90%, counting just the "working hours".)
  10. [P] Curious. Jay had this problem with many sites when trying to force dark mode in browser. He kinda hates it when his eyes get burned out at night. Buuut colors get messed up to shit regularly. So yeah, curious how he didn't realize that was the problem.
  11. Very much so! I literally copied address of the logo above the page, and it displays fine for me ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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