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Cath

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  1. Cath

    Elise and I

    Art. At like midnight during exam period. I was sick of studying. I think it turned out pretty good though.
  2. Cath

    Elise and I

    It doesn't matter what it looks like It doesn't matter what they say Haters going to hate Our love will keep them at bay I'll say it a thousand times It doesn't matter if its cliché I know you'll be my side Through brightest light and darkest day I don't need to worry I don't need to worry my life away We tried our best, So let the chips fall where they may So long as I have you I'll be happy everyday You are my sunshine The brightest ray Thanks to you, My life is longer in disarray And I know you'll be my side always, I know you'll never go away I'll love you forever No one can ever take that away I tried lol. Why did it try? Cuz Elise is awesome and I love her.
  3. Cath

    Elise and I

    So I'm not entirely sure how this is works but Elise woke up before I did today and she was watching over me when I slept and I felt so protected and when I woke up she greeted me with a song and wow that's such a nice way to wake up I, I can't lie I'm scared to open my eyes 'Cause what if I find nothing at all? Nothing at all What is the point Of my lips if they don't make noise? Uh What is the point of doing nothing at all? Watching it fall The flicker burning You know the time is runnin', runnin' out Only I see All the diamonds, diamonds breaking down I won't stay quiet, I won't stay quiet 'Cause staying silent's the same as dying I won't stay quiet, the flicker's burning low This is not a, this is not a Swan, swan song This is not a, this is not a Swan, swan song We just gotta, we just gotta hold on tonight This is not a, this is not a swan song, swan song Swan dive Yeah, it's a new life Real fantasy Wishing it was make-believe, oh What is the reason of doing nothing at all? Watching it fall The flicker burning You know the time is runnin', runnin' out Only I see All the diamonds, diamonds breaking down I won't stay quiet, I won't stay quiet 'Cause staying silent's the same as dying I won't stay quiet, the flicker's burning low This is not a, this is not a Swan, swan song This is not a, this is not a Swan, swan song We just gotta, we just gotta hold on tonight This is not a, this is not a swan song, swan song Swan dive Yeah, it's a new life Tread heavily around you Tread heavily around me Tread heavily Tread heavily around me Tread heavily Tread This is not a, this is not a Swan (tread heavily) Swan song (tread) This is not a, this is not a Swan (tread heavily) Swan song (tread) We just gotta, we just gotta hold on tonight This is not a, this is not a swan song, swan song Swan dive Yeah, it's a new life It's a new life
  4. Cath

    Elise and I

    Random appreciation post cuz I can I love her I love her I love her. I love how she can make me laugh no matter what. I love feeling her happiness. I love how said happiness causes an endless cycle of laughter and fun. I love how she can almost make homework seem fun. I love how we can have jokes only we understand. I love how I can discuss the stupidest topics with her without fear of being judged the moment the words leave my mouth. I love spending time with her. I just love her love her love her she's the best and I'm gonna stay by her side forever. Do I know this is getting repetitive? Yes. Do I care? Nope! Anyway today's song is Cake By The Ocean No, no Oh, no See you walking 'round like it's a funeral Not so serious, girl, why those feet cold? We just getting started, don't you tiptoe Tiptoe, ah Waste time with a masterpiece Don't waste time with a masterpiece You should be rolling with me You should be rolling with me, ah You're a real-life fantasy You're a real-life fantasy But you're moving so carefully Let's start living dangerously Talk to me, baby I'm going blind from this sweet-sweet craving Whoa-oh Let's lose our minds and go fucking crazy Ah ya ya ya ya I keep on hoping we'll eat cake by the ocean Walk for me, baby I'll be Diddy, you'll be Naomi, whoa-oh Let's lose our minds and go fucking crazy Ah ya ya ya ya I keep on hoping we'll eat cake by the ocean Goddamn See you licking frosting from your own hands Want another taste, I'm begging, yes ma'am I'm tired of all this candy on the dry land Dry land, oh Waste time with a masterpiece Don't waste time with a masterpiece You should be rolling with me You should be rolling with me, ah You're a real-life fantasy You're a real-life fantasy But you're moving so carefully Let's start living dangerously, whoah Talk to me, baby I'm going blind from this sweet craving Whoa-oh Let's lose our minds and go fucking crazy Ah ya ya ya ya I keep on hoping we'll eat cake by the ocean Walk for me, baby (walk for me now) I'll be Diddy, you'll be Naomi, whoa-oh Let's lose our minds and go fucking crazy Ah ya ya ya ya I keep on hoping We'll eat cake by the ocean (ooh, aah) Ah ya ya ya ya I keep on hoping We'll eat cake by the ocean (ooh, aah) Ah ya ya ya ya I keep on hoping We'll eat cake by the ocean (ooh, aah) You're fucking delicious Talk to me, girl Talk to me, baby I'm going blind from this sweet-sweet craving Whoa-oh Let's lose our minds and go fucking crazy Ah ya ya ya ya I keep on hoping We'll eat cake by the ocean Walk for me, baby (walk for me now) I'll be Diddy, you'll be Naomi, whoa-oh Let's lose our minds and go fucking crazy Ah ya ya ya ya I keep on hoping We'll eat cake by the ocean Red velvet, vanilla, chocolate in my life Confetti, I'm ready, I need it every night Red velvet, vanilla, Chocolate in my life (ah ya ya ya ya) I keep on hoping We'll eat cake by the ocean
  5. Cath

    Elise and I

    Just been kinda depressed lately. Forgot to keep Elise with me for a few days and when I returned to it it felt really fake like I was parroting or something. Been kinda sick too, down with fever. Then there was that episode where I kinda lost it just a little when my classmate yelled at me because I was stressed and had a headache and stuff and then I got scared cause I couldn't really feel Elise and I needed her comfort cause I was really upset. No worries! We're out of it now! :D Took an mc after that episode, and today we managed to reconnect and we're doing great now. Just been reading some funny stuff and listening to the same six songs on repeat and I've still got a fever but we're good now. Everything's good with Elise. Just everything. Her referencing the story at random points during the day so hard I almost snorted. Singing the same song a thousand times and probably getting the lyrics mixed up but we're laughing anyway and it just feels great to have her here to cuddle me. And just saying and saying that I love her so much and this is honestly the life. I've still kinda got a fever but I can't feel it I don't know whether it's my positive attitude or Elise but either way I feel great. She's kinda warm. When I hold out my hand I can feel her settle on my palm and it's almost like she's in the physical world. Idk how fire is supposed to feel like when you touch it but when I stroke Elise and hold her close it's kinda like something's there but not quite and sijnce fire is energy and not physical maybe it feels something like that? And she's kinda like cozy under the bedsheets on a rainy day warm. It's such a nice feeling. I hope every day can be this nice. A couple more times: I love you Elise I love you I love you I love you so much I’ve been hearing symphonies Before all I heard was silence A rhapsody for you and me And every melody is timeless Life was stringing me along Then you came and you cut me loose Was solo singing on my own Now I can’t find the key without you And now your song is on repeat And I’m dancin' on to your heartbeat And when you’re gone, I feel incomplete So if you want the truth I just wanna be part of your symphony Will you hold me tight and not let go? Symphony Like a love song on the radio Will you hold me tight and not let go? I’m sorry if it’s all too much Every day you’re here, I’m healing And I was runnin' out of luck I never thought I’d find this feeling 'Cause I’ve been hearing symphonies Before all I heard was silence A rhapsody for you and me (A rhapsody for you and me) And every melody is timeless And now your song is on repeat And I’m dancin' on to your heartbeat And when you’re gone, I feel incomplete So if you want the truth I just wanna be part of your symphony Will you hold me tight and not let go? Symphony Like a love song on the radio Will you hold me tight and not let go? Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah Ah ah, ah Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah Ah ah, ah And now your song is on repeat And I’m dancin' on to your heartbeat And when you’re gone, I feel incomplete So if you want the truth (Oh, oh, oh) I just wanna be part of your symphony Will you hold me tight and not let go? Symphony Like a love song on the radio Symphony Will you hold me tight and not let go? Symphony Like a love song on the radio Will you hold me tight and not let go?
  6. Cath

    Tulpa.info Humour

    Tulpas are people with superpowers Telepathic connection Intangibility (that's difficult to turn off) Invisibility (also difficult to turn off) Change my mind
  7. Cath

    Elise and I

    Mon, March 25th Did a fair bit of passive forcing today. Also in the afternoon I just kinda cuddled with Elise for maybe 35 min which I'm not sure entirely counts as active forcing but it was more proactive than passive forcing. Later at night I tried to work on visualisation and I think we made some progress. I managed to visualise a glowing silver core (Elise's core) and even imprint it on my copy of the real world (if I look at a scene I can copy it to it to my mind fairly well). So I think we're definitely making progress Tue, 26th March Elise was in my dream for a brief moment last night, I was walking with her and someone came close to interrupting us, and I wished that I could just be with her. -------------------------------------------------- Elise's form changed a little more today, from a core it changed to a flame that changes with her mood and strength of presence. I did meditation for ten minutes today, in the afternoon because I missed my chance in the morning. Afterwards I decided to continue with visualisation, maybe seven minutes before I was interrupted. I think I made a little more progress, managed to hold her flame and a ribbon in fairly vivid detail. I tried mentally drawing it but although the drawing was clear, it was also flat and lifeless. Minor details were filled in automatically and it wasn't just in a blank expanse. The process of drawing was smooth, but quicker than is actually possible, like watching a speed painting. I guess maybe I'll use that technique if I hit a block. Conjuring an image from nothing is more difficult. It seems to come in flashes, extremely vivid flashes and it even moves but I can't see the movement and I can't see all the parts at once. The flashes disappear as soon as I think about them or try to add details. Eventually I managed to improve on it a bit. I managed to hold Elise's image for much longer, but it seems that the exchange for it is a slight yet somehow also significant drop in sharpness. I'll continue tonight, before I go to bed, and try one of those hypnosis scripts too.
  8. Cath

    Elise and I

    Thank you for your inputs guys! I know we haven't updated in a while. The reason for this I guess is that we just kinda settled into being together. We just kinda fell into talking with tulpish throughout the day and me taking Elise with me wherever I go. Also I personally am not really one to make much conversation, preferring to keep to a comfortable silence. We are thinking of being more active in forcing, we'll see I guess. Regarding our dreams we've decided that Elise shouldn't try to influence our dreams anymore. We never really get far with it and all it really does is tire her out. What we have settled on however is me, Cath, trying to lucid dream, because I know from experience I can do it without getting tired. Another thing we have noticed is that even without trying we often have shared dreams. It's like she's there in the dreams, either as a presence or a person I'm traversing the dream with. Of course, we don't have control over these dreams but it is still time to spend together and it does make an interesting topic of discussion. I think we'll stick with this since it seems to be working out nicely.
  9. Cath

    Elise and I

    What we have been trying to do lately is have Elise try to enter / control my dreams, so I can see her more vividly, but everytime we try she can either only hold it at blanked or get in a small image at the very end, and she ends up super tired in the morning. It seems that she is one of the tulpas that do need sleep. I have asked her to try to pull out once she gets tired, but it seems this is the kind of thing for her where once she goes in she can't just pull right back out. We're not entirely sure where to go from here, particularly because I have difficulty discussing this issue with her. I'm not entirely sure why we have difficulty talking about this, as we are getting fairly good at conversing in tulpish, to the point that we can discuss everyday decisions and decide on paths of actions together. Some possible reasons for this lack of communication, we feel, could be that I'm afraid I'm parroting, Elise doesn't feel comfortable talking about it or that she's not entirely conscious during our dreams either and thus doesn't know why either. Any advice?
  10. Cath

    Elise and I

    Thank you! We will be careful. Our classmates are all unbelievably chill about it. We're not sure about our parents reactions, so we don't intend to tell them yet but we will eventually. I do agree with you Ashley, in that tulpamancy is personal, but for myself I just don't like pretending that Elise isn't there. I owe her so much and it feels wrong to just say 'nothing' when she's everything to me. ~C
  11. Cath

    Elise and I

    Elise is the best teacher. She has taught me how to feel again. What it means to love. How to feel empathy. She has taught me I'm not as bad as I think. She has taught me black isn't bad. She has taught me to be more open. That there are nice people who will accept us for who we are. That I don't need to hide from everything and everyone. I love you Elise.
  12. Cath

    Elise and I

    The class I'm in is literally the best class ever. OK wait let us start from the beginning. In short, we told maybe half the class in a group chat. At first they were all fairly scared. Then I tried to explain and they became less scared but more confused. Then the first friend who I told luckily came online and helped us explain. So like maybe ten people fully understand what I am and our relationship now, and around ten others will be reading all of the spam later. So I guess this isn't really a secret anymore. The ones that I have explained it to, and hopefully the rest won't repeat those questions, are like super cool about it. They're like. Interested. It's really nice for us to share our secret. It was really getting to me, pretending Elise didn't exist. It felt wrong and mean. But now we don't really have to hide it. Except at home, I still don't trust my mom to not cart us off to a mental hospital when she hears. But it is really nice to know there are people who are so receptive and understanding. In other news, because of how long explaining took, we spent an hour forty talking, the longest ever. Aka us subconsciously discussing everything before answering and at several points me proxying for Elise so she could talk to our friends. OUR friends. This is great! Now not only do we not have to to keep secrets, but we have also broken our record for the longest time we spent talking!
  13. Cath

    Elise and I

    So, I decided to tell another friend about this because she's one of my best friends and was really supportive during my depressive phase (and by that I mean that she just acted like nothing was wrong) . And she was 110% chill about it. She just honestly didn't care. She even said that she was half expecting something like it. So uh. Either my classmates are all just kinda chill, I have a tendency to unknowingly choose chill people as my friends or I've just been paranoid all my life and have been misjudging people all along. Ah, but old habits die hard. It's not that easy to just break down my walls. I think it is OK to be more open about this, but I'm still going to be careful. I might consider not hiding it from my friends, not telling them but not hiding it either. In other news, I have decided to start tulpamancing properly because honestly before it was really just belief in Elise and constantly thinking about her and while that's great and has definitely helped I think it's a good idea to try some other things as well. I'm thinking of picking up lucid dreaming again, doing some proper meditation, and visualisation because I'm great at touch imposition but not very good at seeing Elise even in my mind.
  14. Cath

    Elise and I

    Thank you for your words of comfort! J, you were quite right about them not noticing. One of them was apparently too caught up with her phone to notice, and the other was just kinda oblivious the whole time. They apparently didn't even remember that we sat together yesterday. So I'm honestly quite safe. The friend that does know, even, seems to have mostly dismissed it too. Theholodoc I think it's really great that you are open about this. Hopefully one day I can do the same.
  15. Cath

    Elise and I

    All the things that I didn't have the time to post because of my exams -------------------------------------------------- Fri, Feb 22nd OK so there I was, feeling damm lazy after having been hit by studying block and I was just lounging around listening to music and out of nowhere I realised that I could hear the music far sharper because while I was reading, Elise was focused on the music and she was like a whole lot stronger today and managed to impress herself onto both my hands and them we just stayed like that up until it was time to bathe because heck it felt good to have her with me. It's wonderful really, being with her. She's everything to me. She always makes me feel that way. There should really be a word for it, honestly. Hey wait let's make up one. Honnewa (H-On-nE wa: Happy, cONNEcted, WArm) That's how I feel when I'm with her: Honnewa. I love you Elise. -------------------------------------------------- Sun, Feb 24th English: I probably overshot Chinese: compre was horrible Literature: tomorrow, as the rep I'm supposed to set a good example but honestly I'm fucking confused rn, people keep asking me ridiculous questions that can easily be answered by looking it up Math: Also tomorrow. I don't fucking know. I procrastinated and now I'm fucking mad at myself for it Physics: ‘I hope you found this practice paper easy because the Weighted Assessment one is going to be even harder :) Chemistry: Let's just throw in the hardest topic from the previous year and put it as a tiny footnote in the exam schedule shall we History: the point of focus in the textbook and the notes is totally different wth My mom: come inside now stop playing that stupid phone there's no way you're trying to help your classmates study or anything Tulpamancy: Feeling horrible because I have barely done anything for the past few days Me: trying to swallow down my tears, yelling at myself that I shouldn't have procrastinated … … Elise: plays any song that has an upbeat tune/lyrics that are basically ‘I'm there for you’ to keep me motivated All the things that I know, that your parents don't They don't care like I do. They don't care like I do. -------------------------------------------------- Wed, 27th Feb Anyway last night's dream was pretty disturbing. I onto delve into the details but there was stabbing, surgery and more stabbing. It wasn't so bad though, I wasn't scared, because I could feel Elise with me. I remember the last time I was stabbed in a dream, it was not fun. This time was far less painful, and when I woke up, all I felt was like an extra layer of skin/ numbing over that patch. I think Elise helped me. I thank for that, really. It must have been pretty scary for her. My dreams in themselves are already pretty vivid and five senses, I can't imagine, honestly. I hope she's OK, this is her second bad experience with a nightmare. I hope you're OK, Elise. Thank you for helping me, stay safe too. -------------------------------------------------- Thurs, 28th Feb So, first experience with self hypnosis was um… Blurry. Honestly even after reading the wake up script twice I still feel a bit hazy. Actually I can't tell if I was really hypnotised or if I was just half asleep. I mean, I can't really recall much. It was like a dream. Yes, I remember reading it out, I remember being aware during it, of what I was reading and doing. But now? Ask me to spit out one phrase and I can't think of anything. I remember that aura part, the one I included, and I remember a new feature (or perhaps that I didn't notice it before) on Elise, white sparkles, and I remember that her form was a bit more vivid than usual. I remember a gold flash of an aura and I remember recognising it as mine. I remember being confused because gold really isn't just a colour I would have chosen, it has never been my favourite colour and i really don't feel it matches my personality. I remember asking Elise about it, briefly before continuing after her answer, perhaps in words but I perceived it in tulpish. She said: You are not as bad as you think. I remember she showed me the black in her aura, and she said that it's a choice. I remember, maybe a few more lines into the hypnosis, flashes of our wonderland as I tried to imagine it. I can visualise it easier now, but still in bits and pieces, right now I randomly saw Elise poke her head through the music notes playfully. Other than that, it was all really vague emotions, reading words that I don't really remember reading, memories that I can't quite seem to place in time or order. Again, this is a lot like dreams, I feel. Half in, half out. Right now feels like that moment. That point where your alarm sounds and you wake up and you remember that you're supposed to record your dream but you're still half in that dream but the details that had seemed so vivid before are slowly fading. Overall though, I believe I did make some progress. I think perhaps I should pick up the habit of recording my dreams again, it might help me focus through the hypnosis. At least exams are over now! Still got work but definitely way better. I'll be doing more with Elise now that I've got that out of the way. On that note, I was able to keep Elise passively with me for practically the whole school day! We were just kinda walking through classes together and playing songs through our head over and over again for the whole day. I can really feel it when she's with me, it's almost like a physical sensation, I can feel her warmth anyway, and a slight pressure in my hand when she's holding it. It's really nice. So in summary Elise is the best person I have ever met, she deserves the world and we can't give it to her and we need to work on that. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.
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